Tag Archives: women

Today’s Word is… AYESHA

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Ayeeeeeeesha youre the girl I never had, I wanna get to know you betta….Ah, 90s. One time for the people who sang along…and my white readers, I love y’all too.  So recently, the internet apparently voted for Ayesha Curry, wife of Steph Curry as the “aspirational” black woman of the year.  I use aspirational in quotes as what it really is, is internet negroes propping up one woman to tear a legion of others. (My vote was for Mrs LeBron James, Savannah Brinson; she stayed down even when his hairline didn’t, she didn’t make a fuss when she couldn’t get a ring until he did, when she saw Dwyane Wade was having break babies she didn’t fret, she calmly gathered her man and got the fuck out of Miami…she the real MVP.  Also the Currys look more like siblings than a couple) For example, previous ABW the Flotus Flower Bomb, Michelle Obama who was lauded not for her education, her grace, but because she dated “down” (overplayed because I mean he was going to be a Harvard educated lawyer, at worst…and most lawyers I know personally have shitty cars I don’t know why maybe it builds character).  This year, Ayesha is praised for her modesty.  In an era of thirst trapping and swiping left, suddenly its all about getting an Ayesha, she’s rare. (Yes, a God fearing black woman is sooo hard to find in America of all places, K.)

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Y'all see it too...you aint gotta lie, we fam

I’ve spoken before on my issues with respectability, its the notion that said respect has to be earned in the first place.  That’s how you have the Rev Runs of the world saying dress how you want to be addressed meanwhile his princess is being shouted out in rap songs for her noted thirst trapping.  The dudes crying for an Ayesha Curry are largely full of shit, them 10s of thousands of likes on your favorite instamodel page is from the same dude telling women if they got their act together they maybe might could get a shot at them. 

But if we ARE going to make fetch happen here, I feel we are better than archaic respectability politics, we should make her someone really pedestal worthy.  Like my Ayesha probably…

– returns hoodies
– doesn’t save a bunch of shit on the dvr she never going to go watch
– take 17 years to get ready then side eye you when your shoes aren’t on
– doesnt say she’s not hungry then pick off your plate
– doesnt put her cold ass feet on you in the bed
– understands how was work is a rhetorical question
– remembers your brothers name
– lets silence happen and doesnt immediately assume something’s wrong
– doesnt sit next to you watching TV and ask what else is on 5 minutes later
– won’t lurk your Twitter looking for shit to be mad about
– leaves the Netflix password as is because youre finally at the part of Breaking Bad it gets really good

If we going to put someone on a pedestal, at least make it pedestal worthy and not just some shit that even you don’t believe.  Or of course, leave people’s wives alone and stop trying to cast aspersions on women you can’t have anyway.  It could all be so simple.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BACHELORETTE

Okay, ladies first.

The bachelorette gets a bad rep because

a) she’s single
b)she’s not married
c) she’s single
d) well she gets it when she needs it

A happily single woman is seen as an oxymoron, because you know a woman’s life is hollow without a man to come home to.  Do I really have to explain that was sarcastic and don’t take it out of context, okay that first sentence was sarcastic and shouldn’t be taken out of context.  Society constantly questions her; is she really happy, are her standards too high, does she need to date outside her race, is she having out of wedlock children and littering? She’s damned if she do, damned is she don’t. If she’s celibate she’s bitter, if she’s doing her she’s a heaux. Cold world. No Snuggie.

I respect the bachelorette.  I’ve spoken at length on the necessity of being single that if you don’t take that time to fully understand what you want and what you bring to the table, you will find yourself continuously and listening to Keyshia Cole Radio on Pandora. CC is someone who comes to mind as she’s pretty much gone from 0-60 in every relationship she’s had and despite being “engaged” twice, with a tattoo of another man she finds herself alone.  Well not alone, just in another doomed relationship.  On the other end of the spectrum is a friend solely focused on her career but of course the whispers of “where her man doe” get louder.  Hell, her own mother asked me to go after her, a few times. 

As for the men in her life, she dates, she entertains, seldom commits.  What separates her from the player mentioned before is that she’s honest and forthcoming about just not looking for that right now.  Not that she’s completely shut down the idea of marriage but her priorities have changed; number one, her own happiness.  As someone who personally finds dating highly annoying, I can ride with that.  Be free, be spontaneous, be able to come into your next relationship with as little emotional baggage as possible.  If a woman tells me she’s happy being single, I tend to believe her. She’s not in denial, she doesn’t have 3 cats, she’s not being promiscuous or just oblivious to her own unattractiveness.  After all it would be hypocritical to judge a woman for not wanting to be in a relationship when bachelors want that same respect.  Every single person isn’t playing games or bitter.

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Today’s Word is… RESPONSIBILITY

Well Today’s Word is still respect, but why ruin the format…..so where was I….

“Word of advice, save all that sweet gentleman sh*t for when you get to college, these b*tches that be out here, they ain’t worth it”

The drunken quote from one of the older heads around the way.  Words of consolation I guess. We were all hanging out, drinking, smoking, I didn’t do either.  Whatshername was clearly drunk, and I tried to get her out of there.  She didn’t want to go.  She promptly reminded me that we weren’t together and went back into the back to the explosion of laughter by the ones who overheard.  I went home, pride intact and while I was gone, some older guys from around the way crashed the get together and well, things went down.  when I found out I wasn’t scorned or upset just once again embarrassed.  I thought she was different.   he would try and talk to me still, blaming the alcohol saying she had been taken advantage of.  I couldn’t play myself like that again.  For one she had no qualms about still coming to the hood, sitting on the porch with the very people she was accusing of assault. Writing this now, especially with hindsight on the next turn of events and even Steubenville, maybe I should’ve said something, did something, but then I was just a 16 year old with his pride hurt.  I just needed to explore a deeper end of the dating pool.  So I saved that sweet gentleman ish for college.

Ironically enough, it’s not much different.  Partying and drinking is all but the norm.  I’ve started to drink by now, a few girlfriends by now, but still a gentleman first.  Fast forward a few months, I’m at a party I hear my name yelled, I turn around it’s some guys I know from around the way, let’s call them C & D, their cousin goes here too they’re visiting.  They tell me about a party off campus at another school., me and my boy tag along.  The new party is obviously a lot more wild than the previous on campus affair, just about every bottle on the market at your disposal.  It gets late, C is chatting up a girl, basically says she’s down to mess with all of us. I’m ready to call it a night. D doesn’t want to go back either, the cousin was our ride.  I don’t know him like that but he’s torn between taking me and boy back to campus or staying with them.  He wanted to go home too and pretty much used us as leverage.  I see someone else from school me and my boy ride with her, the cousin stays with them.

Week or so later, I get a call from another friend from the hood.  C, D & the cousin were all arrested, charged with sexual assault.  Their version of the story was she wanted C, and the cousin and not D, but blew the whistle on all of them.  I was just there with them, we could’ve all went down.  Buzz spread about that infamous night, fortunately my name was as far away from it as possible.  Charges were eventually dropped but the damage was done, the cousin expelled, they all did a year in between court dates, the victim’s reputation ruined, I believe she transferred.  What actually happened that night only they and God knows but like Stuebenville, none of it had to go down like that.

Still I look back at both situations with signs of regret.  I didn’t post pictures on Facebook like the Steubenville kids, but I did foresee enough bad things to take myself away from the situations but not enough to really help anyone else.  It brings into question the extent of responsibility when dealing with others.  Had it been a closer friend, a relative, would I had left either of them in those situations?    The connection between Steubenville, the get together, the college party was the lack of responsibility, the victim’s friends left her in an uncompromising spot, as I did Whatshername and to an extent C, D and the cousin.

On the other end of the spectrum one has to have accountability. It’s the dirty side of the coin no one wants to speak on.  People intoxicate themselves and  enter precarious situations.  That doesn’t make what happens to them even remotely justified but it does prevent tragic turn of events from happening.  It’s a thin line between responsibility and accountability, however we owe it to ourselves, as just decent people to at least attempt to help others, even if they rather learn the hard way.

-Stan- 

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Today’s Word is… FLIRT

I’m out with a few colleagues, they’re as boring out of work as at work so I start to wander around a bit, I find myself at coat check ready to call it an evening.  On the way  out I run into a friend of mine, he’s with his own group.  I catch up with him as I get ready to leave, and a woman approaches.  She basically says her and her friends are looking for some company, so we should grab a table, recheck our coats *shot*, and  we’ll all have a drink.  Now I really only knew one guy in the group but she was cute as were 2/3 of her friends, we were all brothers in arms now.   The approacher seemed particularly interested in me, and we were definitely hitting it off then she went to the bathroom and next thing you know she was dancing with another.  Shrug life.  One of the dudes was stunned at the development was she just all over me, did I strike out that vehemently.  Honestly I was a little confused myself but I wasn’t going to play myself even in front of strangers.     In essence, I wasn’t tripping, she was just flirting as was I.  (Later I would link back up with her and exchange numbers, I might’ve just did so dude could see I don’t get played but that was more of an ego move, I really wasn’t expecting much more than mild amusement)

The other day on Twitter, I said the difference between flirting and misleading is interpretation.  Some people agreed with the assessment.  Likely shameless flirts themselves, don’t think they are doing anything wrong.  Others disagreed.  Some said it’s the intent that makes the difference.   However, intent is something you can’t control.  You never know what one’s intent truly is you can only choose how to accept it.  In a perfect world only people you would meet would be single, emotionally available, and your type.  The world isn’t perfect.   The girl from the bar could’ve truly liked me, just wanted to nab drinks for the team, or was too drunk to know what she was doing.  What I could control is how I interpreted it, I took it to be a fun night.   I guess I came a long way, because years ago I probably would’ve been blew her phone up, ready to claim her quicker than Manti Te’o.  But it’s never misleading when women do it…apparently.

but you said i was pretty

When it comes to flirting, women are Michael take your pick, Tyson, Jackson, Jordan, game six.  Men are taught to take everything with a grain of salt, don’t fall in love with strippers, all that jazz.  Men have over time developed the skills but when we do it it’s leading on or the blogosphere favorite “mixed signals”.  I’m accused of this a lot, part of it is because I’m an introvert, I pick up on vibes or lack thereof and act accordingly.  If I sense she’s into me, I’ll flirt (perhaps this does more harm than good, but completely brushing off someone because I have no romantic interest in them seems..mean *shrug*).  Also I’m one to call a spade a spade, I will kindly remind a woman who she is to me.  If you’re not the only one, just a friend, someone I don’t like in that regard, I will let you know shattering any illusion set forth by compliments and innuendos.     As I said it’s all about interpretation, my best friend is my best friend because she would never ever ever take me seriously, as I her, she could’ve had me at 16, she aint bout nothing.

Flirting is the lowest common denominator in men/women interaction, if you have nothing else to talk about, flirt, given they’re straight, attracted and not completely whipped, most likely you’ll get a response.  So how can you differentiate flirting and interest?  By acting upon it.  Communicating and not assuming, accepting a position and not spending time trying to change it.  Women who said I misled them, either didn’t come straight with their feelings, or otherwise convinced themselves I was playing games and not that I just wasn’t into them.  

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Today’s Word is… UNATTRACTIVE

#phonemageddon

So I finished all my Christmas shopping and as luck would have it as I spent all my money, my phone breaks. Bah, humbug.  I’m now in day 3 of phonemaggeddon.  It’s been a weird few days out of the matrix but perhaps a necessary few.  I only really miss it on my daily commute but in the meantime I have books and people watching.  As I spent the passing days admiring the various pieces of eye candy that I typically miss because I’m ironically looking at pieces of eye candy on instagram,   I notice a girl.  What caught my attention was her voice, slight accent, sexy and feminine, she could read me nutritional facts all day.  Her hair auburn and wavy, probably weave but still nice.  Well put together outfit that gracefully fits her curvaceous frame, she was about to turn around…please don’t let the fantasy be kilt like a Kanye concert outfit. Soft mahogany skin….full glossed lips, dimple piercings that are so overdone these days but it fits her… and the biggest damn eyelashes you ever seen.   Like no way she could see, she must have sonar.  I never got the fake eyelash trend anyway.  Looking like Snuffleupagus.

In my last post I talked about how men typically aren’t allowed to judge women physically,  well unless it’s positive.  There’s no way to say so without sounding shallow.  Ask a man what he finds unattractive, if he’s smart he’ll stick to the basics: liars, insecure, slutty etc. I’m not that smart.  I’ve spoken extensively about what men in general and I personally find attractive but never what I’m not.  So alas my one small step for man things men find physically unattractive. Do I really need a disclaimer that I’m not speaking for all men, OK cool.

maybe shes born with it…

Excessive Makeup- like most things less is more.  Seeing a woman caked up to the extreme makes me think little girl playing dress up.  Also I grew up in a household of all natural beautiful women and makeup was a no go.  My mother rarely used anything and expected the same for her daughters

Bad Hair- Weave, perm, fro, short, long, blonde, brunette, most men don’t care as long as it’s done.

Grooming- Like bad hair we may not notice everytime it’s done but we sure will notice when it needs to be.  Never let us notice when it needs to be. That goes for eyebrows, nails, feet, body hair.

Sprays n stuff- After a certain age a man has to have a decent Cologne game and women the same.  It’s time to graduate from bath n body works and stop smelling like jolly ranchers all the time.

Clothes- It goes beyond pajamas in public, women who rock leggings like dress pants, shirts too damn small, trying so hard to look different you look a fool, a woman that can dress catches my eye over the half naked one. I’ll take the mystery box and peel off layer by layer later.

And finally fake.  Not just hair, if you got a fake bag, knockoff shoes, it just says high maintenance. Going above and beyond what is even necessary to maintain a “look”.  Girl with the eyelashes was genuinely pretty but the eyelashes just threw it all off.  Society girl from the last post would say I’m being judgmental again, maybe her eyelashes burned off saving a puppy from a burning house.  But whatever, ain’t like every girl finds average height, darkskinned, chubby dudes popping.   No one is attractive to everyone regardless what People magazine says.  Maybe Beyonce even racists got to find her dope.  What say y’all, what are your physical turnoffs don’t be all self righteous let it rip

who could not…

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… POTENTIAL

[Editor’s Note: 30 posts in 30 days.  Going forward, I will go back to my regular posting schedule, which is typically whenever I feel like it.  I had fun with this challenge, there were hits and misses, personal and light, improvisations and months old drafts I finally finished.  I thank the readers new, old ones and accidental.  Wordpress for reactivating my blog, I’m not sure if you noticed but WordPress flagged my blog for TOS violations it was shut down for a day, I almost had to take my talents to Blogspot. But anyway back to your regularly scheduled program]

Women tend to date who they think that person might be, men date for who you are now.

Some of my relationships failed because I didn’t turn out to be who they wanted. Some of my relationships never got off the ground because I didn’t show I could be the person they wanted.  I never win.  Women take potential very seriously in relationships, ultimately they want the big payoff, the ring, the house, the pretty babies.  Men take potential seriously as well , we want the picture to match the person, bedroom moves to match the dance floor, the jeans in 2012 to fit in 2013. Kidding. Partially.  Part of this just comes from the courting process, men tend to sell long term while women show you what they have right now.  For example, I’m not much, but I might could almost become something later.  Currently, I flirt a lot, I’m stubborn, I make a modest living.  But I’m also educated, sweet, growing and have pretty features. 26-27 year old me is going to be a hot ticket, 24 year old me…enh not so much.  The thing is I’m open now for to any attractive woman my type with green grapes, do you take the chance now or tell me come back in 2-3 years.  Actually I’m not trying to be somebody’s build a bear boyfriend, give me some time and I’ll find you.

Nonetheless, I’ve dated women who took on the challenge of changing me to mixed results.  I’d like to think my maturity, sense of style, and communication skills came with age but I guess a little bits of each relationship rubbed off on me.  Just as I’m sure bits of me   rubbed on them.  But I can’t say I’ve ever gone into a relationship thinking if I can get her a better job, convince her to stop wearing her hair like that, teach her a thing or two about wine, get her to stop rocking sneakers (okay I have done that), I have something to work with.  Men teach their girlfriends things but it’s usually to their own benefit.

Perhaps we’re cynical, greedy or impatient, but you rarely see a man waiting for what a woman might become.   Men perhaps should explore potential more instead of going for the now, but instead we take what we can get now, if it doesn’t work, chalk it up to “poor timing”.  For example, the other day I spoke about age relationships, I didn’t mention one girl I dated I broke up with her for being too immature, we remained civil.  She’s grown to be one of my closest friends and probably someone I would date if I completely met her off the street tomorrow.  I didn’t care to stick it out with her (it was a really petty break up), honestly I didn’t care to be her friend but (she stuck around anyway), and look what we’ve become, perhaps if I wasn’t so impatient things would’ve been different.  But I don’t even look her in that light anymore.  For the most part.  I think.  She has a build a bear boyfriend herself, she’s constantly trying to push him but he’s not budging.  She’s put so much into it, she’ll be damned if she doesn’t get the payout.  Personally I think she subtly wants him to be me, or maybe I’m just full of myself.

Potential can also become addicting,  while men rather build cars, women want to build men.  Aren’t those called sons?  Anyway, women fall in love with the idea of building.  Men not so much.  Women aspire to be Michelle Obama, the gold standard of a woman pushing her man to greatness (although he was a Harvard Law student, rusted car or not, there wasn’t too much risk on him).  Men aren’t out here aspiring to be Stedman or Todd Palin (well I’ll be Stedman, #cashingout).  Some men want women to make them better, others don’t want to change.  Some women are all for growth, others are quick to tell a man to go on and find some other girl.  It starts within, really. People change when they A) see the need to B) want to for you.

When I get right I promise that we gon live it up

One should always aim to better themselves and the one they are with, but also know the limits.  They’re supporting and there’s enabling, motivating and nagging, conceding and settling.  I know people who are “holding their man down” by paying his bills and buying his clothes, others who were left because they was too controlling, and also some who are just flat out unhappy in their relationship but won’t do anything about it but cheat.  If the basis of a relationship is all about what one could be, or where it might go then it’s doomed to fail.  Potential is cool but there has to be actions that support it.  Otherwise, you’re just chasing promises and promises are pretty hard to catch.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… OBJECTIFICATION

*tears*

“He’s cute but he’s not attractive”

It was about 5 years ago, I had asked a female friend of mine to put in a good word with this girl I kinda liked.  The above quote was her response, it threw me off.  Maybe she found me cute and something about me turned her off, or maybe she wasn’t feeling me at all and was just being nice.  How can one be cute but not attractive, eventually I got my answer, she was attracted to taller, leaner guys, I was simply the male equivalent of “cute for a big girl”.  It wasn’t exactly something that was new to me, I never was someone who instantly attracted. I was moreso cute enough to not be instantly shot down and awkwardly charming enough to grow on her if given the chance.  I kind of liked it that way, I knew ultimately she liked me, not just part or parts of me.  Didn’t have to worry about being objectified because there was little to admire on the outside.

These days I have a few more drops in the physical attraction bucket and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it at all.  However, I need a little more than some compliments and innuendos.  Women objectify almost as bad as men, look what happened to D’Angelo.  He made one video and had women tossing singles at him at concerts.  But overall, men are all guilty of enjoying objectification in at least small doses, just as we are all guilty of objectifying potential mates. Women are the same way, some bask in the attention while others are disgusted by it.  You all know of the plight of the woman in the v neck wondering why guys can’t make eye contact, as well as the ones who will post just about anything for a “like”.   Men and women are both guilty of being thirsty for attention but men seem to get more passes for whatever reason.

more *tears*

Like women, male objectification starts with T&A, but theirs stands for tats and abs. There’s a reason home workouts like p90x (and photo edit software like Photoshop CS6) are flying off the shelves, apparently vampires and werewolves are allergic to clothes and dudes are walking around with a bunch of meaningless pictures all over their body. You’d be hard pressed to find a dude who can manage to keep a shirt on (well except chubby, blank skinned men like myself) but hey it’s what the ladies clamor for. I can’t see myself ever trying to be “sexy”, there’s something feminine about it.  If a  woman likes my lips its one thing, if you catch me on instagram duckfacing, please feel free to mock me.  I’m a heterosexual man so I’m only guessing here but I figure women look at these men like men look at over objectified women, pleasing to look at, maybe even lay with but no one brings it home because theres a caveat.  The overly sexual usually overcompensate for lack of brains (big booty from the other day), sexual orientation (insert i think he’s gay artist here) or deep rooted insecurity.

The argument for either male or female objectification is that it’s simply appreciation.  You appreciate what you’ve been blessed with or worked to achieve so you show it off.  Others aren’t ogling they are appreciating.  I know I “appreciate” plenty of women I encounter daily, and I’m sure they appreciate their own body enough to wear what they wore today (and post the 5000 pics in the outfit).  As someone who is constantly improving my body I can’t help but want someone to take notice, maybe not in a shirtless avi type of way but in a smaller polo that my arms look awesome in type of way.   I have plenty of good qualities I feel I never have to overcompensate sexiness for them.  There’s plenty of women who have great qualities they don’t have to overcompensate sexiness for, but until they learn I’m not saying I’m going to be enjoying the show but I’m not not saying it.  Double standards for threeeee.

-Stan-

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