So I don’t do a lot of “binge watching”. Usually I can watch an episode or two of a show and then I need to find something new to watch or do. Every now and again a show does in fact hook me, and this past weekend it was Master of None. It stars Aziz Ansari as Dev, a 30 year old Indian actor navigating his personal & professional life in New York City. It’s a show of microaggressions, religion, parents who dont “get” millennials, and primarily how dating is trash. The show is basically what Stan of Few Words as a TV series would be. Starring Kofi Seriboe as me, cuz fuck you it’s my show. One episode that stood out in particular was the 4th episode of season 2, First Date. Now I’ve talked about first dates before, and I’ve talked about my online dating struggles, but that episode made me think about all my online first dates and the different types of women you meet online. Now, I’m not going to pretend what women go through in online dating is comparable to what I went through because I don’t log on and get bombarded with pussy pictures and solicitations. (Well I did get an unsolicited video one time, I may have watched it til completion while also wondering how did we get here, nobody’s supposed to be here). I’ve never gone on dates and had to check in with a friend so they know I’m safe or been cussed out because I wasn’t interested (Well, there was one girl who ran up on me in a 7/11 because she thought I blocked her number). Anyway, I feel like there’s 10 types of women you meet online whilst searching:
1. The Marshawn Lynch– She’s there so she doesn’t get fined. She’s gotten out of a relationship, her man has already moved on and now her friends are imploring her to get some new eggplant because she’s making them look bad, as an unit. She reluctantly makes a profile, but she really isn’t interested in dating. In fact, she wishes you would be so awful that it would give credence to her decision to not date.
2. The Brandy- She wanna be down. She’s likes sports, video games, comics, beers, rap, casual sex and pizza. She’s a good time, great chemistry then you get home and realize that didn’t even feel like a date, it felt like 2 friends hanging out. You forgot to tell her she looked great, but she wore a messy bun and a Spider-Man shirt.
3. The Precedential- She’s the one who overanalyzes everything, she’s read all the dating books and articles and now everything means something from the color shirt you wore to whether you looked at the food or drinks first. If you text her at 7:55 on Monday and 8:23 on Thursday clearly she wasn’t on your mind first you’re getting distant; is there something wrong? You answered a yes or no question with one word, clearly there’s someone else. If you rescheduling dates now, how can she rely on you as a partner?
4. The Instagrammer- You’re about 64% sure that she only accepted the date for the photo op. She posted a date night outfit, took pictures of the food and drinks, never of you because she has an image to uphold. She posts a goodnight picture about how she had the greatest time, meanwhile the actual date was awkward silences and bathroom breaks.
5. The United Airline- She overbooks. She needs to know by Tuesday if you’re on for Saturday afternoon because she has plans that evening. She’s transparent about her schedule while failing to see how much of a turn off it can be.
6. The Confessional- This might be the one I hate the most, the girl who waits until the date to reveal all the shit she lied about on her profile and over text. I’ve had dates lie about children, boyfriends, age, smoking, jobs…but you already ordered and you was starving.
7. The Culminator- The clock started from first message, by time it’s the first date she has already decided to be with you and she’ll learn the rest on the job.
8. The Companion- You liked her, she liked you back. You message back and forth. You ask her out, she accepts. You go on a date and have a great time….but she isn’t looking for anything more than a friend. You’re not even her type, you just seemed cool. This would be fine except you didn’t meet at work, YOU. MET. ON. A. DATING. SITE. Who swipes right on people they aren’t interested in? That’s literally not how this works. Probably goes to bars just to chill and drink water, ol loitering ass.
9. The Priority- She’s been single for a while and has adjusted her life accordingly. She has her career, her family, her church, her netflix, her book clubs, her alumni groups, her sorority, her pets, her podcast, her blog, her freelance gig, her perennial self care vacations, and her long distance open relationship…then you come along and it’s apparent she has so much going on that she doesn’t even have time to date.
10. Susan- They could have their own list honestly. There’s “I don’t see color” Susan, “mmmm chocolate” Susan, “woke, but hates black women” Susan, “I didn’t date black guys until I didn’t lose this college weight” Susan, “I’m mixed” Susan, “Get Out was just a movie” Susan.
*sigh* Dating is trash, yo. I mean sure there’s silver linings, the Brandy is a good time when you hang out; with managed expectations, so is the Companion. Perhaps, the Priority or the Marshawn will come around. If you want a relationship (or sex) the Culminator is right there. Maybe you can take a page out of the instagrammer’s book and just fake it all. Apparently, there’s the 11th woman. The one who is looking for a relationship, actually available to be in one and isn’t overly neurotic about it. We can just call her, the Tinderella.