Tag Archives: trust

Today’s Word is… TRUST

[Editors Note: Happy Stanniversary yall,  crazy this is start of the 4th year,  probably the last one,  you know how shows go on for far too long and ruins everything (looks at HIMYM, Prison Break, Dexter, Family Guy…) I don’t want to get to that point (I don’t think I’m there yet,  maybe I am one of my 6 readers let me know it’s time to hang it up) anyway I’m going to be a little more frequent,  a little lighter and finish strong,  anyway here’s a post that has nothing to do with any of this,  Enjoy]

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Trust is a funny thing.  It’s in our nature to trust, we want to trust but it’s far easier said than done.  More than we want to trust, we want to be trusted; as much as one can understand, there’s always a level of offense taken if you were to tell them that you don’t trust them.  Nothing sets the mood quite like “so when’s the last time you got tested?”, nothing says I’m secure like checking their social media.  The misconception with trust is that one must have a reason NOT to trust not the other way around.  There’s been times women told me they don’t necessarily trust me and my first reaction is not “I understand” but rather “why the fuh not?”.  More often than not her reasons are typically about what some ex did, and I will respond as either a) I’m not them b) how you gonna let that affect your present?  Ego supercedes logic in those cases.  It’s somewhat hypocritical; as that could never work on me because, well, I just don’t trust that easily.  I’m not jaded, insecure, or paranoid, I don’t think, I think I’m just reluctant to trust.   And that’s okay.  

Trust issues are shown in a negative light most often.   It’s something you must get over, it’s holding you back,  it’s unhealthy…but so is blindly walking into any and every situation.   It’s a frustration I have with this whole dating game; it’s too objective based and less about just getting to know and understand someone else.   It’s why you bring your representative to the first few dates,  play chicken with your emotions and keep every possible option open for as long as you can.   So when I tell someone that I don’t trust them, can I really be blamed?  And it’s not like I expect the opposite,  if someone showed up on a date looking like Saturday morning and went way too deep with the TMI,  I’d probably go to the restroom and never return. (Kidding,  maybe, except that one time….actually I think I said something came up,  paid and dipped.  We arrived separately anyway.)  I guess what I’m saying is, for me to trust someone I need to feel like I have genuine grasp on who they are, what they’re about and if they can meet my expectations for them.  There’s level to this shit (RIP Meek Mill), and levels of trust comes with their own expectations.

I can trust a chain restaurant to make me a well done burger,  but I’m probably not going to try their lobster.   There’s women I can date and share a few funny stories with,  but probably not giving the keys and security codes.  I trusted “She” to be a girlfriend and confidante but as I contemplated getting #thatring,  I realized that maybe I didn’t trust her as much as I thought I did.  Conditional trust sounds kinda bad aloud but it’s something we all do,  it’s just how we’re wired.   All or nothing trust sounds good but most aren’t about that life.  That’s not to say I don’t trust anybody; I just place limits on everybody ergo I can trust everybody.  Does that make sense?  It does,  trust me. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… WORKWIFE

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“Do I know you”

I turned around at the query. 

It was a woman I work with, not directly but we’re in the same building. 

“Um, yeah we work together.” (I mean I thought I was pretty well known there -3 for the ego). 

Anyway we chat for a bit on the train, she goes her way I go mine.  Now she knows who I be, we see eachother more often and talk regularly.  I’ve told you about CoWorker before, she’s the homie.  We’ve had our back and forths (partially convinced no woman can like me longer than 4 months at a time) but overall we’ve developed a pleasant friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure, there’s a rumor or two floating, double takes when we accidentally matched or you saw one without the other, but we ain’t listen to what people say; they ain’t know about her and me. And so we put it out our minds cause it’s jealousy, they don’t know about this here.

She was just a workwife, contrary to popular belief. This arrangement wasn’t necessarily new to me, all through college I had at least one woman to serve as incentive to go there on time (also study buddies are cheaper than buying textbooks #protip). Workwives help the time go faster, moral support, they understand the struggle because they in it with you, especially helpful when you don’t give much fux about your job. A Vault.com survey says about 60% of professionals in my field have copped to having some sort of work spouse (the other 40% Ima need to see gChat/Outlook receipts). It makes sense, even the most anti social person cant show up somewhere nearly every day for 8 hours a day and not make a single interpersonal relationship.

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When boundaries arent set...

I’m a firm believer that men and women can be platonic friends, maturity breeds discretion; every woman who smiles at you does not need to get that work. Of course, I can beat that drum all I like, I still have to sell that to a Mrs. (Yeah yeah I hear you woman who doesn’t get jealous, is sooo cool with her man having friends, you’re an amazing unicorn). For the non unicorns its a matter of being open and setting boundaries and sticking to them. You never want to “find out” anything about someone you’re seeing that isn’t from the source. I’ve always been iffy on this notion of “emotional cheating”, there’s a difference between telling her something I should be telling my actual s/o and my s/o just wanting to be Walmart and be the go to for any and everything. I don’t even like to discuss work outside of work, sometimes I don’t want to explain an inside joke to an outsider, sometimes an objective opinion is necessary. I think that makes sense, but you know logic and love is oil and water sometimes.

Boundaries should be straight forward, don’t do couple-y shit. There’s a difference between grabbing lunch and going on a date, IMing at work and texting all night, telling a story about a date gone wrong and venting to workwife about your real one. Just like I don’t take work home, I don’t bring home to work. She’ll always be “fine” whether that is or isn’t true. Don’t start none won’t be none.

With those parameters in place, workwives are a welcome escape from the work grind. As a work husband, I try to be the same, and keep savagery to minimum. Of course thats just how I am. (Now who’s playing unicorn?). Somewhat of a double standard, but workhusbands are not to be trusted. Why? I’ll tell you why…….next post.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HUMBLED

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A little while back, my girlfriend and I had been fighting for the past hour, I don’t know how it started but I was attempting to end it by vacating the premises.  I hop in the shower, turn the radio on as she continues her diatribe and calling me every name but a child of God.  I lose myself in my thoughts…

I can’t do this anymore

Why am I leaving this is my house

I bet she going through my phone looking for ammo

Wait was that glass breaking…

I get out the shower, unlock the door and see remnants of what was my full length mirror (I loved that mirror yo) she is still stomping and yelling, no remorse, no respect.  I’d never put my hands on a woman but it was perhaps one of the rare times I even felt close to it.  I just glared into her red, swelling, tear filled eyes, and…i didn’t see the woman I fell in love with.  I didn’t see the woman I wanted to build a life with, was I tripping this whole time, maybe, but what I did know was like the mirror this relationship was irreparable. 

My anger dissolved into disappointment. 
In myself. 

Breakups are humbling, they happen for one of two reasons; you were not enough to keep her happy, or you chose the wrong one.  My breakups were usually more amicable than this one but the humbling is all the same.  You go back and try and look for the red flags you missed, you use revisionist history to make them appear to never have been sh t, you carry that disappointment to the next courtship so concerned that this one is no different, lather rinse repeat. (I’m told eventually you find the right one but you know, whatever.)  You’ve been humbled by love; something as logistically simple as finding one person who makes you happy and keeping them happy, and you suck at it.  You pick the wrong one or the wrong one picks you and you don’t know better til you know better.  But, why don’t I know better?

In hindsight it always makes sense, “of course she was a heaux you smashed the first night” (not saying that all women who do… U know what I’m getting off track) The girl who never left home wasn’t ready to build a life with you, you don’t say?  She never stopped talking about her ex and it turns out she still wants him, whoa didn’t see that coming.  They all made sense at the time, well I at least convinced myself that they did.  Then they don’t and I’m tending to my wounds telling myself I’ll be smarter next time. 

There was a point here, I think…ah yes, what do you do when you don’t trust your own judgement anymore?  Buy a bunch of dating books, email your favorite blogger for advice (well I’m still here because I care, and so does Tupac).  You do nothing, you identify common threads, adjust your filters and keep searching.  As for my common threads (big butts and a smile?) I’m still adjusting and I think I maybe could might know exactly who what I want.  I’m tired of being wrong.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INTIMACY

*Blows dust off keyboard*

You ever just wonder what your ultimate legacy to someone is now? You break up, fall out and now you’re forever a memory, a part of their narrative, a part of their story. In 25 years I’ve met my fair share of women, now am I just a sweet guy it didn’t work out with or a narcissistic asshole. Am I even remembered at all? The things I shared with them, are they still locked away or am I now the butt of insider jokes with their homegirls. Perhaps I just over think about things. I’ve had my struggles with intimacy, feeling emotional closeness and connection with another person. Being vulnerable, open, unbridled…it didn’t come easy for me, as it doesn’t for most men. We’re taught from an early age to be competitive, that feelings are a sign of weakness and to avoid vulnerability and dependency at all costs. Women are much more intimate, well open to the possibility but when things get too real they too will shut all the way down, I just learned that the hard way. Anyway doe, why is intimacy so hard to achieve from either side, if you can’t trust them shouldn’t you be able to trust your own instincts? If you can’t trust those…then well, why not?

Well for one thing in this new era of #wecare, people are way too public about everything. This is the age of screenshotting messages, posting personal photos and if you had a bad breakup, a well executed rant has viral potential. Even as I clear my phones of contacts, messages, pictures today, it would never cross my mind to “leak” things sent to me in confidence regardless of how hurt I felt or how many subliminal messages they post. It’s hard to build intimacy when most people will betray you for a 15 minutes of internet fame. Then of course, there’s the bad history. You’ve tried to open up to someone to no avail or they simply wouldn’t open up to you and you’ve accepted it as the way it goes. You then settle on physical intimacy which is much easier to achieve. You kiss, hug, penetrate like you actually give a damn about them but then immediately after release you want to shove them off you and ask what they about to get into…not that I would…ever…do…let’s move on.

As I said I’ve had my struggles with intimacy, moreso because I found myself being the rock, but when it came down to my own needs she wasn’t there. When a man starts to look elsewhere for intimacy, well, you end up Gabrielle Unioned. I can say most men want someone they can be intimate with, which is why that old college girlfriend, or “best friend” never goes anywhere even if it’s not physical. They just want someone they can be honest with, who’s present, who they can trust, who respects their opinion, and appreciates them. In a perfect world, that person is their wife or girlfriend, in reality it’s their homegirl or they mama until someone else is ready to take that torch.

We all require intimacy in order to thrive. When we make the effort to give attention to intimacy, it’s not only our relationships that benefit but our lives in general. And as a result, so do the lives of all of the others with whom we engage. It’s a ripple effect, shut out people shut out people, intimate people are intimate to others. I’d like to think that most people I’ve encountered are more confident and trusting because I’ve always tried to be there for them. Or maybe I wasn’t, and now they can never trust anyone cuz of me, in that case, uh ooooooooh it aint my fault *Mystikal voice* (is he still out btw?)

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CATFISH

 

I hate the channel formerly known as Music Television.  I loathe ‘Teen Mom”, the cast of Jersey Shore makes my head hurt and they have run childhood favorites like “Saved by the Bell” and “Martin” into the ground.   However, my guilty TV pleasure as of late is MTV’s Catfish.  For those who don’t know what it is about, it’s about a guy who fell in love online she turned out to be someone else now he goes around exposing otne romances to show that there’s plenty of people as dumb and naive as he was  documenting the stories of  people in passionate online relationships  as they meet their would-be soulmates in person for the first time.  What results is hilarity and embarrassment all finished off with an attempt to make sense of it all but it goes over as well as a Jerry Springer Final Thought.  It’s the dramatic irony that draws me in as I and most of my twitter followers already seem to know the truth, but we watch the star “Nev” uncover in 10 minutes what the oblivious daters could’ve done years ago.  Part of me feels it’s scripted because it’s so painfully obvious.  People can’t possibly be like this, can they?

I think besides the fact that it’s 2013 and you can videochat on your freaking cell phone, I can never be catfished because I bore too easily.  Some people on the show been in relationships for years, no meetings, no calls, just texts.  I just couldn’t deal.  I’ve said before open to a long distance relationship (okay honestly, that whole post was written with one person in mind) but I really don’t think I’m up to it.  I flirt online but aside from my e-crush (who is amazing but I’m still realistic) and maybe another one, I don’t look at it as much more than entertainment.   Even when I tried, the reality sets in. I’m craving something I can’t have.  I forget what was the fight that ultimately made me and “Ms.” call it quits, but I do know all my fight for us died when she boarded that plane.  It’s amazing how these people on Catfish are in love with projections, they have a willpower stronger than mines.

Then there’s the lie.  I’ve been a catfish before, never to the extreme of fake pictures (finding another man attractive enough to want to be him, even to meet women is suspect).  There was the time when I wasn’t sure of myself, I lied about things that didn’t matter.  It ultimately cost me someone I was really falling for, and though she felt the same it was the shattered credibility that assure we could never be together.  All the catfishes thought eventually the person could forgive and love them for them and so far they were all wrong.  I really thought she would forgive me.  I was baffled she didn’t, so much I got rude and immature about it.  Looking back at it now I can’t blame her, I can’t blame the people on the show.  Some say they come off as vain because they are primarily average looking people expecting models but it’s more the principality.  There’s also the embarrassment of being with someone who blatantly lied to you, it’s one thing if you’re Kobe Bryant, another if you’re an unemployed 30 something who pretended to be a stripper.

Its almost sad that catfishing is so common.  It’s an unfortunate market of supply and demand; people so self conscious to lie, people so desperate to believe them.  There’s just way too many alternatives for me to end up with a girlfriend across the country who can’t even sext only has facebook pictures to share or to end up with  liar who happened to be sweet while she was lying.
“Not I” said the little black boy.

-Stan-

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Today’s Word is… PAST

So I’ve been previewing  the new Lupe Fiasco album. It’s a pretty good album, the one that should’ve came out in 2009 but I digress… A track that stood out early was “Battle Scars”, a powerful track about all the damage left by failed relationships. It was the first track on the album I had to bring back, it struck a chord.  Like anyone else I have my share of battle scars, “Her” really did a number on me.  “She” reopened old wounds, “Madame” might have left a scratch somewhere.  But taking the time to let myself heal, I feel stronger than ever. As a great meerkat said

“You gotta put your past behind ya” -Timon

With the past well behind me, I still look back and reflect.  I look back at these scars (some are actually real, crazy a** females) and while some wounds still healing, I took them all like a man.

Take your scars like a man…

One nagging injury I have after relationships, is doubt.  I’m very particular about who I date casually and who I take things to the next level with so when I pick someone and completely whiff it befuddles me. I hate being wrong.   Every relationship I’ve been in since has been more serious that the last (well “Ms.” kinda killed the streak but calling it a relationship is stretch itself) so in that regard, I’m learning to trust my instincts more, I’m getting better at this dating thing, the key is really knowing when to cut it off early, we tend to settle for less than what we want as time passes #MESSAGE.

Another is trust, I tend to shut people out (or so I’m told) but while I disagree, I’ve learned to filter myself just a bit.  Especially in a social media age I’m very cautious with how much of myself I put out there.  I remember I got into a twitter back and forth (yes I know…smh) with “Her” and we both went IN on each other exposing secrets in the process.  I felt angry, betrayed, it took me a while to eventually open up to “She” when we dated and even then she got the abridged versions, which she also ran her mouth about.  “Maybe it’s just women can’t hold water like men” says the guy with the public intimate blog.

There’s also good scars, like accountability, honesty, and communication which I needed to get.  Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, I needed plenty of maturing but it’s hard to tell someone who’s having success their doing it wrong, it’s why Tim Tebow can’t throw and most dudes act up and see no incentive to change #MESSAGEII.

All of my scars, good and bad, made me who I am.  I could let them dominate my life, assume all woman are the same, settle for less, do just enough to get some, and leave it at that. In fact I know plenty of men and women who let their past scars turn them off from love altogether.  Love is brutal, but there is no retreat, no surrender, This is Sparta n sh*t.

-Stan-

 

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