Tag Archives: trumpocalypse

Today’s Word is… WHITE

8/5/17 (Day 270)- In Philly for a few days (which makes me 3/3 for showing up to cities and seeing a damn Trump tower) and of course when in Rome you do the whole touristy thing.  Philadelphia is not much unlike Boston in that they really play up the Colonial days.  Perhaps even more so, because it’s freedom this, freedom that, I mean slavery was legal here but on the low tho we rode for the cause.  I’m surprised they haven’t renamed the city Freedomdelphia.   Then reality sets in.  You  look at the actual Declaration of Independence and remember that you wasn’t “all men”, the Constitution applies to you, until it doesn’t.  Freedomdelphians come from all over the country to see documents and symbols that aren’t for you.  Humbling.  This is America through white gaze, a scrappy little country that could and ultimately did.  While to me, it’s more like the fuckboy who got his act together slightly enough for the next one but still has plenty of the same old bad habits.  You try to explain that America still ain’t change but they  lalalalalala can’t hear you over all of this freedom, why you so bitter?  

8/8/17 (Day 273)- So on today’s episode of The Apprentice, Toupee Fiasco just threatened North Korea.   Like, we need an adult yo.  It’s not that I have any doubt they if it came down to it, America can give North Korea the fade but at what cost? Lives? Nukes? Reelection? 

8/12/17 (Day 277)- So remember how last week I said Freedomdelphia was how doe eyed white people see America? Charlottesville is the other side of that.  White people who claim they too are oppressed; because by capitalism. Oh never mind they are marching to save a Confederate statue.  With Tiki torches. And Nazi salutes. And anti semetic chants. It’s the opposite end of the spectrum,  Freedomdelphians are so privileged they view every increment of progress as resolved, Tiki Torchers are so privileged they view every increment of progress as oppression.  The irony is we aren’t even close to equality, we at eo still building the q.  How are we already at Klan rallies, we couldn’t get to equa first?  Why are these new Nazis so pressed? Outside of losing your job for saying the #inward or wearing blackface, the world is your fucking oyster.

8/13/17 (Day 278)- Cantaloupe Caillou has called out Obama, Hillary, war heroes, mayor of London, CNN, Morning Joe, Colin Kaepernick, Washington Post, the NY Times, Hamilton: The Musical, Mac Miller, The Terminator, North Korea, Venezuela, Jeff Sessions, James Comey, Nordstrom, Django Unchained,  NBC, China, Mexico, Judges, Congress…. But when it’s white supremacists literally marching in his name suddenly he’s vague.  Where’s the sound and fury?  It makes me think about all the times Obama would give a platitude and people would get frustrated because he wouldn’t say how he really felt because he was the black President but not the BLACK President.  Now I see Toupee Fiasco unwilling to condemn Nazis who ran down a protester.  Even as there’s a clear and obvious side to take, #their man’s takes  “many”.  White privilege displayed at the highest level of government. So again, why exactly are they mad? 

8/15/17 (Day 280)-  So a day after offering a condemnation of racists that was on par with Martin Payne’s first marriage proposal…he doubles back and again blames both sides.  The fuck is an “alt-left” there’s Nazis and people who say fuck Nazis. This isn’t a debate like drums or flats.  At least now, the bluff has been called.  Twitler has aligned himself with white supremacists, and any and every one who supports him supports that. Reagan had the courtesy to dog whistle, to give himself and his supporters an “I’m not racist, but…” shield to hide behind.  The Tangerine Tyrant and his Tiki Torch troupe are out and shameless about theirs, and now the safety pin wearers are forced to come out and pretend they were duped like they didn’t know this is what this always was.  Far as I’m concerned the red hat and the MAGA sign are swastikas now and society should treat it accordingly. 

8/17/17 (Day 282)- White people still showing their ass about these Confederate statues like we don’t still got slave owners on the money.  Doth protests too much. Suddenly it’s about preserving history, because not revering Confederate generals is the same as if they were taken against their will and had their lives erased.  Removing Confederate statues isn’t erasing history, we will never forget the fact that white people went to war against their own military because they couldn’t own other human beings anymore. That is a fact.  These statues were erected during Jim Crow not as a reverence for American history but a tribute to whiteness.  Trump is from New York telling a crowd in Arizona that he will protect their “culture”, y’all ain’t even go there.  Clearly this isn’t about Southern pride. Ain’t y’all “the party of Lincoln” (when it’s convenient to say)  anyway?, So is it Oochie Wally or is it One Mic. 

8/18/17 (Day 283)- SPOILER ALERT

(so you know how on House of Cards, Frank realizes that the power isn’t in the Presidency but it’s in the shadows with access to the Presidency.  That’s pretty much how I view this Steve Bannon firesignation. He ain’t really going anywhere he’s just hot right now.  Maybe he can go cure that Greyscale while he’s gone) 

8/20/17 (Day 285)- The President’s a hack, my student loans due is this World War 3 or Civil War 2…the former. This week. While racial tensions at home remain thicker than Serena, which has made us all forget that Sesame Tweet threatened North Korea 2 weeks ago and then China responded with a “bitch, try it”; Dolt45 comes out to announce he plans to send more troops to Afghanistan because… reasons. It’s pointless to bring up that spent the past 5 years calling for the withdrawal of troops but for the last 5 years he was just the dude from the Apprentice.  Apparently, he’s already live tweeted his entire presidency*.  He’s the Three Eyed Racist.  

8/22/17 (Day 287)-  According to an ABC/WaPo poll, 10% of Americans support the alt right (Nazi) movement.  That’s 16.4 million people, about 25% of Trump voters. (as far as I’m concerned 4 out of 4 of them are).  Then there’s the people with “no opinion” (Freedomdelphians) who if you’re not against you might as well be with, silence is violence B.  This is what happens when people feel emboldened by their Klansman-in-Chief. 

8/25/17 (Day 290)- Sheriff Joe Arpaio terrorized the Latino community.  Racial profiling, concentration camps, shackled a woman and forced her to give birth, refused to investigate sex crimes committed against immigrants, refused to feed or treat prisoners many of whom he rounded up for existing while brown.  In November, Hillary called out Trump for even supporting him. And today Orange Foolius pardoned him, because he “kept Arizona safe”.  Even after Charlottesville, the Hate Pumpkin isn’t even lowkey anymore.  Then again, why would one expect him to be, he said he was going to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out and now we here. 

8/27/17 (Day 292)- …and speaking of that damn wall, will that be cash, credit, or government shutdown? According to 2peé Shakur, Mexico will reimburse which is basically saying the check is in the mail. The cynic in me almost wants the wall as a testament to how divided and hateful this country truly is. Then you see Houston underwater and remember that Conman Twitty slashed the coast guards budget to try and pay for the wall.  You remember that behind every stupid tweet, blatant lie, poor decision, empty threat… Real lives are at stake.   When disaster strikes you need a real leader not the jackass who posts memes and tries to look at the sun.  

8/29/17 (Day 294)- The President and First Lady arrive in Texas, oh wait it’s just Pumpkin Spice Putin and his escort.   Now I’m not going to politicize a natural disaster who would do something so crass.  Trump supporters, of course. 

8/31/17 (Day 296)- Why are we still here? Honestly.  Approval ratings in the toilet, CEOs from tech, labor, entertainment, sports are all running for the hills, every week someone getting fired, Mueller is still working on his investigation, North Korea still wants the fade, can’t afford the wall, couldn’t repeal Obamacare, Muslim ban flopped, and now Nazis trying to party like it’s 1939.  Everyone knows he collided with Russia it’s about the worst kept secret since Cersei/Jamie’s incest affair.  Seriously, whatever this…Presidency as been, failed.  So, why are we still here?  If/when DonaLLLLLd falls, will anyone make a sound.  75% of his supporters only love him in private like an ugly girlfriend.  Or so we’re led to believe.  Condemning Trump in public does nothing for me, that happened all election cycle and ultimately it was 306-232.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… FIRED

7/6/17 (Day 240)- I love this country, I harshly judge this country… Thats kinda how the whole black in America thing works. I think about the times when I personally was ashamed to be an American, I can think of 3 off top; Katrina, Sandy Hook and this.  When I wasn’t just angry at my government but I actually felt the shame, I thought about how other nations probably viewed us.  Treating own citizens like refugees? Kids killed and not a single push on gun control? And then, there’s this orange duckfacing reality star who was chosen to run the whole country.   Looking at clips of Toupee Fiasco at the G20 summit, speaking to other nations about his beef with a cable news network, having to literally be babysat during his sit down with Putin because he can’t be trusted with, you know, words. It’s actually reached the point of shame.  This actually happened, he’s the 45th president of the United States, forever.  The embarrassing high school picture of American history.  Just as you look at those colored contacts and 5X tee shirts and wonder what the hell you were thinking, that’s how I will always remember 2016.  Even after history inevitably whitewashes this and blames Russia for everything. YOU did this, America. YOU did.  

7/11/17 (Day 245)- These are my confessions, I’ve never actually seen the Godfather I just get the pop culture references and fake my way through.  If Mango Mussolini can fake his way through the Presidency, surely I can fake my way through this analogy.  So in The Godfather, when Vito almost gets killed or something and then James Caan does get killed as acting mob boss, Vito picks his youngest son, Scarface to take over instead of Fredo who would’ve been next in line.  Because you can’t give Fredo too much power, he’d Fredo it up.  So when news broke that Donald Trump Jr, the Fredo of this family of Fredos met with a Russian lawyer to get dirt in Hillary Clinton complete with email chain, I thought wow, he really IS Fredo.  So what does Fredo do? He doubles down on the Fredoness by tweeting the emails out without any idea of if and how this can blow up in his face.  In Godfather II, Fredo tries to take out Al Pacino, fails and gets dealt with.  Because of course he did, he’s Fredo. Meanwhile, Twitter Fingers Sr has yet to chime in.  Because, it’s Fredo.  

7/15/17 (Day 249)- To commit an act of treason, one must aid a country we are at war with.  The United States and Russia are not at war, but relations between the two countries have been on “I just don’t like this bitch” forever.  So… its technically treason but not treason.  Diet Treason. Treason Lite.  Apparently, that’s close but no cigar because Congress is acting like none of this is happening and back to the business of replacing Obamacare with Get Rich of Try Dying. They’ve accepted Orange Foolius for what he is, a distraction so while people wonder colluding with a foreign government to alter the results of an election isn’t a crime, they continue to work in the shadows. You look up and realize Dolt45 hasn’t actually done anything of note since taking office but golf and tweet.  A cheeto dust smokescreen. 

7/21/17 (Day 255)- Considering it’s his catchphrase, Nacho Nazi isn’t good at firing people.  Instead he just hires your replacement and hopes your pride makes you quit.  I mean, it works for his wives.  The latest victim, Sean Spicer.  I can’t say I’d miss Spicey, but I’m sure Melissa McCarthy is broken up over this… This impression did more for her career than Mike and Molly ever did.  I’ll miss the countless countless lies, the memes, and maybe this means that Press Briefings will air like again because that whole cameraless thing was very troubling.   Enter Anthony Scaramucci, who is what I think Trump thinks he looks like.  Sure he’s from Goldman Sachs, supported Obama and calls himself the Mooch… Consistently doesn’t matter, that’s pretty par for the course. The issue isn’t that Persimmon Putin needs a better communication team, it’s the actual bullshit being communicated.  Like lying about the Inauguration crowd like we don’t have, cameras.  Lies to cover up a lie that was a lie about another lie.  Why not just hire Joe Budden?

7/24/17 (Day 258)- This is the bill that never dies, yes it goes on and on my guys, Senators tried to vote on it not knowing what it was, they’ll just keep supporting it forever just because this the bill that… They are really adament about ripping healthcare from poor people.  They even rushed John McCain out of cancer recovery just to make sure broke people won’t be able to in the future.  They are if nothing else, persistent. Meanwhile Sunkist Stalin, finally defends Fredo by mentioning Hillary’s “acid washed” emails. (Literally not a thing).  He really cares about those emails… Maybe that’s why he colluded with Russia to get them. 

7/25/17 (Day 259)- So Trumpcare 3.0 aka Wealthcare aka Get Rich or Try Dying is dead. I think. For now.  Sure it’ll be back tho. Like herpes. Shoutout to Usher.  The biggest plot twist was that the deciding FOH vote came from John McCain.  After someone may have said God need to call his ass home already. Allegedly.  Let’s not get carried away here, if you pull a gun on someone, decide not to fire you then don’t get to say you saved their life. Which is pretty much what happened there.  But good looks John, and you know beat cancer.  So yet another L for Donallllllld, I thought deals were his thing. *sips tea*

7/26/17 (Day 260)- Still nursing the L he caught yesterday, Darth Cheeto decided to tweet out a ban on transgendered people in the military.  Because fuck you, that’s why.  His lists the reason as being cost, but in reality he’d save the country more money by actually paying his taxes.  It’s simply discrimination for the sake of doing so.  This wasn’t some hard decision, there’s no remorse, he tweeted it with the same regard as I would tweet what I had for breakfast.  Let me know when the military officials themselves challenge this tho. *sips more tea* Bleh. It’s cold. 

7/31/17 (Day 265)- Moooooch, we hardly knew ye. I mean imagine missing the birth of your child and losing your wife for a job you “held” for 10 days.  You ain’t even get a badge yet, a .gov email address, can’t even update your LinkedIn page, ain’t even get fired on your day off because you haven’t even got PTO yet, I was an engineering major (12 days) longer than he was employed (bout 10).  Milk and plantain had longer shelf lives. Good laugh indeed. See you in a few Scaramuccis.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TRUCULENT 

Previously on the Trumpocalypse:

Chapter I: How Sway

Chapter II: No, really how?

Chapter III: So, this is happening huh

Chapter IV: So this is a joke right

Chapter V: For real stop playing

Chapter VI: So, it isn’t?

Chapter VII: Damn.

6/5/17 (Day 209)- As the world comes together to share condolences and support for the United Kingdom after a horrific attack, leaders from France, Germany, Canada…do what you expect, thoughts and prayers, reach out if you need our support in any way yada yada yada. Then, there’s our “leader”, Truculent Tangerine, who decides to say fuck it, mask off and call out the mayor Sadiq Khan of London on a quote out of context, then upon getting the full statement, accuses him of backtracking and the media for running with it because that makes far more sense than he simply misread the statement.  It’s also not lost on me that if London’s mayor was a white man named Tiddlyham Bumbershoot and not Muslim Sadiq Khan, he probably doesn’t say anything.  Surely, his supporters have to find antagonizing a Mayor after a terror attack low class right?  Nope.

6/8/17 (Day 212)- It’s kind of wild everyone stopped what they were doing to watch the Comey hearing as if it was the NBA Finals.  It was also kinda wild that in this one instance, we were rooting for the fed.  That’s where we are now, if Putin just came out and said he has Trump under his thumb we’d probably put him on the $10 bill.  (As an aside, where the hell are my Tubman 20s, are we still getting them, can Dolt 45 ruin that sorta thing because he seems like the type who would ruin that sort of thing).  Comey knew to keep notes because when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  If the Director of the FBI couldn’t tell when a man is lying to their face, perhaps a career change was in order.  He also figured knowing the President tried to bribe him was far more useful to him than telling someone the President tried to bribe him, because he’s still a fed B.  Surely, his supporters have to be taken aback that the President fired the FBI director for investigating him?  Nope.

6/15/17 (Day 219)- “We are all Steve Scalise today” – Paul Ryan

“I’m David Duke without the baggage” – Steve Scalise

Issa no for me dawg.   But you know, thoughts and prayers for everyone else tho. Stop the violence and all that.

6/16/17 (Day 220)- I’m always fascinated by what makes politicians decide to run for President and when, especially people who should know they have little to no chance to win.  Like did Mitt Romney actually think he was going to unseat a popular incumbent? Why did you even try, “Bobby” Jindal?  Trump can’t actually be serious, right?  That was my thought 2 years ago, when Mango Mussolini announced his decision to run.  He called Mexicans murderers and rapists and promised to build a giant wall on the border.  Everything about it was absurd.  He should’ve been laughed off the stage like it was Showtime at the Apollo. Yet here we are 2 years later, he’s presently on Twitter talking about Hillary’s emails like he didn’t already win the election 220 days ago.  Surely, his supporters gotta be over this Hillary thing by now?  Nope.

6/20/17 (Day 224)- Meanwhile at the lair, McConnell nem are trying to pass a healthcare bill, no one knows what’s in it, no one knows how much it will cost, and they want it done by the 4th of July because they got shit to do.  No committees, no debates, no reading the fine print.  Yeaaaaah…that doesn’t sound suspicious at all.  I almost envy how efficient the Republicans are sometimes.  They are the Golden State Warriors of greed.  Imagine if they actually worked for the people with that same vigor.  Even if they are thwarted in 2018 and 2020, I’m sure they’ll find their way back and will raise hell if they can’t.  Democrats…they have the moral high ground and not much else.

6/24/17 (Day 228)- If a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?  If up til now you were adamant that Russian hacks weren’t real, but now there’s an opportunity to pin them on Obama, does Trump tweet? Of course he does.  Because he doesn’t have to be consistent about anything other than being a white man.  Could Obama had hit Russia back harder? Been more vocal about it? Probably.  Instead, he trusted the people and the process that made him the President because that’s always been who is, for better or worse.  Perhaps, like 94% of black women and 82% of black men, he simply was unaffected at all by those hacks that seemed to sway soooo many otherwise non bigoted white people.  They were just so offended by those emails that they voted against their own best interests.   Yup, it’s all Russia’s fault.

6/29/17 (Day 233)- Just the President twitter beefing with the hosts of Morning Joe because he tried to blackmail them with a National Enquirer story in exchange of more favorable coverage.   He then attacked Mika Brzezinski’s looks because he’s a 71 year old frat boy.  NOW, people seem to be outraged because these types of shenanigans are beneath the office of the President.  You know what else was beneath the office of the President? The guy from the Apprentice with no political experience.  The only thing Persimmon Putin has been consistent on, is being trash.  Why act surprised now?

7/2/17 (Day 236)- Today in American History

  • 1776- Congress votes on Independence
  • 1881- President Garfield is shot
  • 1921- President Harding declares end of war with Germany
  • 1964- President Lyndon B Johnson signs Civil Rights Act
  • 2017- President Twitler tweets a gif of him being up CNN

Happy Birthday America.

-Stan-

 

 

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Today’s Word is… COVFEFE

Previously on the Trumpocalypse:

Episode I: The Phantom Election

Episode II: Whitelash of the Clones

Episode III: The Inauguration of the Sith

Episode IV: A New Dope

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Episode VI: Return of the Obamas

 


5/5/17 (Day 178)- So I’ve always felt that Cinco de Mayo was trash.  Doubly so in Trump’s America where the very white people who voted for a wall because Mexicans are rapists and murderers turn around wear sombreros and mustaches and drinks tons of tequila and Corona to “honor” Mexicans.  It’s like if there were Juneteenth parties and white people wore fake afros, ate fried chicken and drank Hennessey and malt liquor.  There would be outrage, because we don’t play that shit and they know better (at least publicly). Somehow, for Mexicans it’s just fair game.

5/8/17 (Day 181)- Sally Yates testified before Congress confirming what we already knew, Trump was warned not to Flynn was compromised by Russia, he made him National Security Advisor anyway, proceeded to fire her and only reason he even fired Flynn eventually was because the Washington Post wrote about it.  Mango Mussolini’s response: Yeah, well, why doesn’t someone ask HER how the Washington Post found out.  We live in a world where the President can knowingly hire a traitor but a quarterback who kneeled during the national anthem is still presently unemployed. Merica.

5/11/17 (Day 184)- I remember one night I was catching the late train home and some guy was on the train, casually smoking a cigarette and reading his phone.  There was such a lack of fucks given that it actually took a moment for it to register that wait… you can’t do that.  That was pretty much my same reaction waking up to the news that FBI Director Comey was fired.  I ain’t pass the bar, but I know a little bit enough that YOU CAN’T FIRE THE PERSON WHO IS INVESTIGATING YOU.  It is literally obstruction of justice.  It is literally what turned Congress against Nixon in 1973.  It is…probably not going to do anything in 2017 because THESE Republicans are cowards.  Also, while Nixon too was a #whitelash candidate, even his supporters saw what he was up to and wrote their congressmen to get him out the paint. In 2017, Trump supporters… I mean what would it take for them to actually go against their beloved Trumpkin Spice?  So instead, the FBI Director has become a politicized job, because when the President is a criminal these are the things that happen.  Imagine an FBI that picks and chooses their cases based on political leanings…well, I mean more overtly.

5/13/17 (Day 186)- While Trump continues to be a recalcitrant man baby , behind the scenes Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III continues to try and bring the 80s back.  Seeking the harshest drug sentences possible for even low level nonviolent offenses.  Clearly, I feel a way about Trump but I will contend that Jeff Sessions is the worst thing about all of this.  Nacho Nazi is an imbecile, Sessions is pure calculated evil.  (Editors Note 5/30/17- Rich Homie Quan is now facing 30 years for weed, what do you think is going to happen to those who aren’t even rich or homies?)

5/16/17 (Day 189)- I’ve had an epiphany of sorts.  MSNBC ratings surging, Stephen Colbert winning the battle of late night, even I can attest that this Trumpacolypse series gets much more traffic than other posts (yes, that means you…it’s okay I know my blog isn’t for everybody, it’s nothing personal see you next month)  my most popular tweets are about Orange Foolius.  Outrage is what gets the people going…but at what cost?  During the Obama era, Fox News became THE name in cable news, the GOPBlackChick and Cornel Wests’ of the world ate good in the “I’m black and I don’t like Obama” lane.  They was so mad for 8 years and just allowed themselves to be lied to and trolled for 8 years as people cashed in on their racism. Now in a way, the switch flipped.  Except, I don’t hate Trump because I’m racist, I hate him because he is.  The constant coverage does feel exploitative but then at the same time, you can’t bury your head in the sand because he might bury the rest of you from behind.  How can you not be constantly outraged at outrageousness.  Bill O’Reilly was doing performance art; Keith Olbermann might actually lose his mind.  Should we turn away for our own sanity…or is that what he wants.

5/18/17 (Day 191)- I remember watching Quantico for a handful of weeks and my takeaways were wow this show is bad and feds can’t be all there in the head.  So of course, reaction to news that former director Comey had contemporaneous notes on every interaction with Sunkist Stalin was, of course he does.  Twitler alleges he has tapes. So it becomes, who do you want to believe, a decorated former FBI Director or the guy from the Apprentice.  In March, I would’ve been really excited thinking this will be the smoking gun that ends this nightmare, but now I’ll believe it when I see it.

5/24/17 (Day 197)- An internet debate on whether it’s worse to be the “whose” or the “mans” in a “whose mans is this” situation came up recently.  I correctly stated it was the whose.   While the “mans” is the buzzkill, it is squarely on the whose who brought him in the first place.  I never felt more vindicated than over the past week watching Darth Cheeto proceed to make an whole ass out of himself overseas.  From getting curved by his own wife, getting curved by the new French president, side eyed by the Pope, trying to extort NATO, shoving another member to be in front of the crowd, and then his usual shambolic presence…who’s mans is that? Ours, America.  (I mean, that’s moreso #yall mans but I too was embarrassed about all of it).  I just hope the rest of the world knows we going through some things…issa phase…and um, we was hacked. (Literally).

5/25/17 (Day 198)- Meanwhile, on the mainland.  Edward Littlehands just declared war on poor people.  Cuts to health care, disability, food stamps, student loans, work study, fuel assistance, unemployment benefits..but at least you get the wall. Well a fence extension. Maybe. All to keep those Mexicans out.  But how fun was Drinko de Mayo a few weeks ago?  Funny how that goes.  Oh and  Jared Kushner wanted secret back channel communications with the Kremlin.  The treason. The treason that we here.

5/30/17 (Day 203)- White women wyling (alliteration ftw) was my reaction when I saw the Kathy Griffin photo; it was too far.  Beyond that I couldn’t muster up too much energy for the lady from Newsradio Friends Just Shoot Me Mad About You Suddenly Susan (all them 90s white shows looked alike).  However, the conservatives getting indignant about it is so ridiculous.  People lynched Obama dolls, you’ve called him a terrorist for a decade so lets not get too cute with the moral high ground.  Petty Van Halen couldn’t resist the urge to get indignant himself claiming his child saw it but his child can also see him mocking a disabled reporter and heard his father say grab them by the pussy.  They’ve proceeded to get her out the paint and she went full white women victimhood and I just hate everything about all of this.

5/31/17 (Day 204)- Covfefe.  That is all.

-St…

6/1/17 (Day 205)- Couldn’t even leave on a covfefe.  The Dorito-in-Chief withdrew from the Paris agreements because he thinks it pays moneys to Paris.  He also declared himself the President of Pittsburgh in spite losing the city heavily.  Alas, we knows who’s mans it is…Pittsburgh, he has claimed you.  Y’all can give him an office in City Hall, a custom Steelers jersey and leave the rest of the country to be ran by an adult.  I know its a big sacrifice but the world will thank you, Pittsburgh.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… APPRENTICE 

Previously on the Trumpocalypse:

Wait, wtf you mean he won?

The Cheeto-Elect

The NAHguration

Don’t Trust Race Bannon!

“Issa Con”

4/1/17 (Day 145)- Last year on April Fool’s Day I posted a picture in a wedding band with no context.  When it escalated to the point that my pastor grandfather was congratulating me, it was like okay, party’s over.  I wake up today and Donald Trump, the duck facing billionaire from the Apprentice, is the President of the United States and it feels like a joke that’s gone too far.  Like, we can’t seriously have him meeting with other world leaders, he can’t actually be our commander-in-chief, this didn’t ACTUALLY happen right?  I guess I’m waiting for this Russian hammer to fall so he gets put away and we go back to normalcy.  President Trump still feels like an oxymoron to me.  My President is Frank Underwood.

4/3/17 (Day 147)- One of the few things, I’ve enjoyed throughout this is watching the internet fall in love with Maxine Waters.  As other Dems have made their peace with the idea that America elected a con man, she seems to be the only one who is like “Nah, this shit isn’t normal”.  Toupee Fiasco rose to power on,”there’s no time to be politically correct” so it’s only fitting his detractors don’t just bow down out of respect for the office and call him out on his BS.  (glances over at “revolutionary” Bernie Sanders and his hive).  At 78, it’s much too late for an Auntie Maxine 2020 shirt but she has been a silver lining throughout all of this.  Favorite Maxine since Shaw.   (She’s a Living Single character, white readers….basically it was our version of Friends…that happened to air first…funny how that happens, huh?)


4/6/17 (Day 150)- So we just bombed Syria for bombing Syrians to send a message to not bomb Syrians, and for having bombs in Syria in the first place.  The very thing Orange Foolius warned President Obama not to do. (Apparently, before deciding to take up Presidency as a hobby all he did was tweet out hot takes like a political Skip Bayless which no one paid attention to because why would we care what the guy from The Apprentice thought about anything this important is what we said to ourselves in 2013…yet here we are *sigh*).

4/7/17 (Day 151) PLOT TWIST: Syria knew it was coming and got anything valuable out of the way.  Because Russia tipped them off.  Meanwhile, our state department found out the same time we did.  By the way, Nacho Nazi ordered this strike from his vacation home while hosting the President of China and discussing North Korea.  Again, we can’t have the guy from the Apprentice doing important things? This is precisely what I was talking about.  Lettuce prey.

4/8/17 (Day 152)- Neil Gorsuch confirmed.  Sometimes I wonder why Democrats don’t act more like Republicans, money hungry, masochist, corrupt as they may be…they get shit done.  They deboed President Obama’s constitutional right to name a Supreme Court Justice, just because they could.  The fact that the Supreme fucking Court has become political is disheartening and scary.  Someone check on Ruth Bader Ginsberg, get her some fruit or something.

4/11/17 (Day 155)- I’m at the gym, headphones in I glance up at the TV and I see the headline “Presidential Mis-Spokesman”.  I thought oh its the Daily Show; nope CBS Evening News with Scott Pelley.  Even the unbiased network news mocks this administration. Again, it all feels like a joke that has carried on too long.  Also…shouldn’t Spicer be better at his job.  Fox News has built an empire on lies and hyperbole. Meanwhile, Mango Mussolini managed (alliteration ftw) to find the one dude who is as unfit for his job as he is.  
4/13/17 (Day 157)- So, remember how I was saying we don’t need to have the guy from the Apprentice doing important things?  Twitter-Fingers-in-Chief just dropped a MOAB, a bomb so obnoxiously large I’m shocked it didn’t have “Trump” on it, on Afghanistan.  In true Trump fashion, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing.   Meanwhile, he didn’t even remember he bombed Syria last week, however he remembers the chocolate cake he had for dessert that night.  I just…..where is Mike Pence?
4/15/17 (Day 159)- Perhaps, an unpopular opinion….I don’t give a fuck about 2pée Shakur’s tax returns.  Especially when he’s bombed 2 countries in 2 weeks while threatening another.  It’s like the Chicago protest, or the women’s march…do it when it matters.  What will you do if he never releases his tax returns…not elect him? Because I mean, he didn’t and well, we saw what happened.  Not much unlike Drake after the ghostwriter rumors; he dared you to care and you didn’t.  So take your ass home. Hug your family.  (Because North Korea ain’t playing) Happy Easter.

4/19/17 (Day 163)- I didn’t expect Tom Brady to make the trip to the White House; he may have “He’s my friend” money, but Giselle got “go sit your ass down somewhere” money. Big bank take little bank.  It made me wonder if I would actually turn down an invitation to the White House.  I would be half curious what he would have to say to me, but half afraid of what I would say to him.  The way he just effortlessly lies to people’s faces it would drive me up the wall.  Maybe I’d just go for the experience and pretend I was there in 2016.

4/21/17 (Day 165)- It’s futile to compare President Obama and Sunkist Stalin at this point; they not in the same league don’t shoot at the same basket.  However as Trump nears the 100 day mark, the failure is epic.  William Henry Harrison might’ve gotten more done in his first 100 days and he was dead for 69 of them.  100 days in of Obama, we had the Lilly Ledbetter act for equal pay, the stimulus package, 19 executive orders.  100 days of Tweety Bird, he’s done nothing of what he’s promised.  Because of course he didn’t.  Objectively speaking, the 100 day mark IS not a great measuring tool, FDR set an unrealistic bar in very desperate times.  However, Trump has simply tried and failed spectacularly no wall, no ban, no tax reform, no infrastructure only thing he has done was pick a Supreme Court justice he had no business picking in the first place.
4/24/17 (Day 168)- He’s baaaaack.  After taking months to live his best life like an ex girlfriend would, President Obama has returned to the US almost on cue as we near 100 days of ineptitude under the great Trumpkin.  It’s almost like that scene in Lion King when Simba returns to Pride Rock and it’s all desolate.  Simba at least got to fight for his spot back, Obama just about to hit us with the

and keep it moving.  Honestly, as he should…I wouldn’t even come back. 

 
4/28/17 (Day 178)- LIKE. CLOCKWORK. Obama has been back in the public eye for a few days and suddenly people are losing their minds over a reported $400K speaking fee for a Wall Street firm.  Nevermind the actual President is currently rolling back regulations (that Obama put in place) that make it possible for these firms to blow $400K on a pep talk in the first place. Nevermind it costs $400K to protect the first lady because she just doesn’t feel like living with her husband.  Nope, let’s hold private citizen Obama to a higher standard than President Business.  It’s like no one learned from caring so much about emails they ignored Russian collusion.  Have we learned nothing?  Apparently so.  

4/29/17 (Day 179)- We’ve reached the official 100th Day.  And it turns out…he didn’t do anything he promised. Apparently, he didn’t realize it would be this difficult.  It’s like that show Pros vs Joes, when they would put self proclaimed great athletes against retired professional athletes and it went over about as well as you expected.  That’s Trump, he talked all that talk on Twitter and now he’s in the chair way out of his element, because he’s not a politician. He’s the guy from the Apprentice.  God help us all.
-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… CON

Previously on the Trumpocalypse:

Wait, wtf you mean he won?

The Cheeto-Elect

The NAHguration

Don’t Trust Race Bannon!

3/6/17 (Day 118)- It’s the remix to the ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen, Twitler just dropped another Muslim Ban, a slightly altered edition.  He basically scratched off Iraq and turned it right back in.  I expect it to be struck down again because, again illegal as fuck to do so.  Meanwhile, the media is casually running with the Obama wiretap story because apparently no one has taken social studies or at least watched Season 5 of The Wire to know it’s again, illegal as fuck to use a wiretap on a private citizen without a federal judge’s approval.  Yes, even for Presidents.  Thankfully so, for the President we have now.  Because if I were to bet on which President would be the one to abuse such a power, it would be Orange Foolius in a landslide.

3/7/17 (Day 119)- One of my biggest pet peeves is the fake woke inward on Facebook who believes generational economic disparity could be solved if black people just stopped buying Jordans.  I have textbooks that cost more than sneakers and if we keeping it a buck the sneakers are probably worth it because the book was worth 50% less the second I walked out of the store.  That impulse to blame the poor for bad priorities rather than acknowledge the flaws in the system is just beyond stupid.  It felt like only *WE* was hit with that faulty logic like white kids don’t buy shoes too.  So today I couldn’t help but be tickled by the fact that the game flipped up finally.  As Republicans scramble to defend their inexcusably bad health care bill, they have nowhere to turn but on their own constituents.  Now it’s not about the higher co-pays and deductibles, but rather how low income Americans prioritize their spending.  The irony is delicious.  Instead of fixing the problem, it’s easier to spin how people aren’t as poor as they think.  Except, no matter how much one saves, one long hospital visit can wipe out their savings and then some.  So then what?

3/13/17 (Day 125)- Sunkist Stalin thinks they’re cameras in the microwave.  I’m perfectly OK making fun of him while recognizing I grew up with aunties who turned off the TV during thunderstorms.

Stay Woke

3/15/17 (Day 127)- Just waking up and the President is beefing with Snoop Dogg. No big deal.  This feels like a wacky dream sequence on a TV show, hell it WAS a wacky dream sequence on a TV show.


3/16/17 (Day 128)- When you watch enough basketball, it’s easy to spot a heat check.  It’s when a player if feeling himself so much that he’ll take shots further and quicker just to see how “on” he is.  I feel like the Nacho Nazi is in a heat check. He’s just pulling up from 40 just to see if it goes in.  2 Muslim 2 Ban was blocked, as expected. His budget is so awful I doubt it passes, his healthcare bill will take away 24,000,000 subscribers and even his signature wall seems dead in the water.  His entire campaign, a heat check it went from a boast to party frontrunner, to nominee and now he’s President and all he wanted was a few tax breaks for him and his cronies.  It’s as if he himself underestimated the power of white mediocrity.

3/19/17 (Day 132)- Mere days after proposing cuts to heating assistance, meals on wheels, affordable housing, combating homelessness, a law was passed allowing states to require drug testing for unemployment benefits.  When it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t got shit else to do…drink, apparently.  The war on poor people wages on, and as long as Dwight P Poe think they are sticking it to Shaniqua they won’t notice these attacks are on them as well.

3/20/17 (Day 133)- At a campaign rally even though he’s already president, Toupee Fiasco boasts to his uneducated fans about how the NFL is afraid to sign Colin Kaepernick because they don’t want to feel the wrath of his tweets.  *reads that sentence again because this can’t be life*.  Young Cheez-it has made a habit of referencing companies by name online causing small spikes or dips in their stock, you would think a President would recognize this and stop doing so but he continues to push the button because he’s a giant orange man baby.  Kaepernick, who is 29 years old, could find himself out of a career because he dared stand up for something he believed in. Meanwhile, Senate hearings begin today about whether the President colluded with Russia.  Oh, the irony.

3/24/17 (Day 137)- “Obamacare is the law of the land” – Speaker Ryan
Just gives you chills like saying “Mufasa”.  The AHCA aka Trumpcare aka Get Rich or Try Dying aka Lightskinned Aunt Viv Care aka Great Value Care failed spectacularly today.  Even with a GOP majority.  Isn’t closing deals supposed to be his thing?  Mango Musselini’s response, “meh.”  I remember when Obama first mentioned healthcare, I remember “YOU LIE”, I remember all the town halls, I remember Mitt Romney running for President promising to repeal it like he didn’t sign it into law in Massachusetts in the first place, I remember the Supreme Court rulings.  Trump tried to force a bill without even getting the cost of it, gave a 24 hour ultimatum and now that it’s failed it’s as if it never happened.  All in vain to quickly snatch the legacy of the first black President out of the history books. The people who voted for him, they voted against Obamacare without realizing it went against their self interest. If the AHCA wasn’t so disastrous for women I would’ve wished it had passed just so they could learn the hard way.

Foreshadowing…

3/27/17 (Day 140)-36% approval rating, Muslim Ban failed twice, healthcare failed, and there’s still the wholetreason thing looming.  This is “unpresidented” failure.  Except his rates at Mar a Lago and his hotels have gone up, the secret service has to pay him to protect him and his name is a registered trademark in China. Is he a comically inept President or just a really shrewd con man?  I honestly believe it’s both.

3/30/17 (Day 143)- Then a hero comes along, with the strength to carr-, oh it’s just Mike Flynn.  Who has resurfaced with an offer of testimony in exchange for immunity.  The same “Lock her up” Mike Flynn.  Mr “if you’re given immunity it means you committed a crime” Mike Flynn. General “oh you meant THAT Russia” Mike Flynn.  Could he finally end the Trumpocalypse once and for all?

3/31/17 (Day 144)- Immunity denied.  Welp.  See y’all next month. Until then, stay knucked. Bucked. Ready to fight.

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Today’s Word is… TOUPEE

[Editors Note: So by popular demand, I decided to keep the Trumpocalypse train rolling.  First Monday of the month, every month, until I go insane or he gets impeached.  Then regularly scheduled programming every week.  K. Thanks. Bye.]

The Trumpocalypse: Part IPart II

2/5/17 (Day 89)- Sports has long been the escape for many, including myself.  So Super Bowl Sunday, I just want to drink beer, eat way too many wings and watch my favorite team play.  In what can only be strange irony, it was my Patriots against the Atlanta Falcons.  Toupee Fiasco citing his friendships with the coach, QB and owner adopted the Patriots as his own (even though he don’t even go here) and I find myself being on the wrong side of this two Americas bowl.  It was like being the one person who cared about justice after the OJ verdict, or preferring turkey bacon, sugar grits and thinking Thriller was Michael’s best album.  As much as we argue against being a monolith, no one likes being against the tribe.  But there I was rooting for the official team of #MAGA.  Then more I sat with it, I came to the realization I wasn’t about to let the Supercallousmisogynisticracistnazipotus run me off my team, he, Brady, Belichick will all be gone within the next 4 years anyway.  And Georgia is a red state.

2/9/17 (Day 93)- Federal courts have ruled against Persimmon Putin’s Muslim ban.  It’s certainly a victory for the moment.  TwitterFingers-in-Chief not much unlike a cartoon supervillain exclaims vengeance will be his, he’ll see them in court.  Yes, he told JUDGES he’ll see them in court.  65 million people voted for this man, B.

2/12/17 (Day 96)- So I’m in Chicago, some business and some R&R, as my luck would have it my hotel would be right across the street from a Trump Tower.  I remember every day walking out and seeing this obnoxiously large building, shaking my head and going on about my day.  But today was different.  There was a crowd outside the tower.  I check my phone for any news…Cantaloupe Caillou has been actually pretty silent, still licking his wounds from the L he caught from the courts.  This was a scheduled protest, largely white, they are just going to moon the tower because Trump can kiss their ass.  It’s a lively crowd, but I see this just some white people shit I carry on with my day.  But it highlighted what my issue has been with Dwight P Poe lately…They think this shit is funny still.  While late night hosts thank the lucky stars for the material (sup Colbert), this is still real life.  Trump threatened to send the national guard to Chicago, and I’m certain he wasn’t referring to the River North where we were.  Mooning a building isn’t doing anything and they know it. Yet there they was, “fighting” the power.

2/15/17 (Day 99)- It appears the news have now come around on the Trump clearly conspired with Russia thing.  The Russian connection has been a conflict for me, because yes fanning this flame will probably help get Edward Littlehands out of here but it also gives a pass to the white supremacy that got him elected in the first place.  The news can pretend #DemEmails are the reason Trump won, but I know better.  Meanwhile VP Mike Pence is demanding answers and keeping his nose clean so when the storm clouds come they’ll let him stay.  Race Bannon can’t be trusted.

2/20/17 (Day 104)- This President’s Day, because I’m a strong, independent citizen who don’t need no President,  I would like to take this time to recognize an actual great leader of our nation,  Happy Birthday Rihanna.

2/23/17 (Day 107)- The newly minted Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions whose name just SOUNDS like slavery, is wasting no time living up to his name by rolling back President Obama’s private prison regulations.   This means more drug prosecutions, longer sentences, set your clocks back to 1983.  This isn’t even politically motivated, both Democrats and Republicans both want to cut the prison population, and Sessions just incentivized as many heads in beds as possible.  Obama vowed to make fighting mass incarceration his post Presidential legacy and this was a direct attack.  Is this going to bring him back?

2/28/17 (Day 112)- Cuuuupid….doesn’t liiiiie. (White readers y’all can google what I did there later).  So HBCU Presidents from all over the country went to meet with Mango Mousellini, because if there’s a chance to get some bread they going to take it, they grinders.  I got why they went, although I can’t help but look at them sideways because it’s like, have you seen him?  Historically speaking, HBCUs have always fared better under Republican presidents because they are all about keeping *us* away from *them*.  Trump signed an executive order, moving their objectives from the desk of the Betsy DeVos, who for reasons unknown to anyone decided to connect HBCUs to her “school choice” agenda,  onto his own, with no actual promise of funding.  Basically, they got played B.  They were better off scheduling their football team to get beat by 70 by Alabama, at least that’s a guaranteed check.
3/1/17 (Day 113)- So I watched the Joint Session address last night, or as I would call it #HateofTheUnion, and I was a little taken aback how comfortable he looked.  I simply forgot what these speeches are, board meetings.  Trump was in his element, he can spew off his alternative facts to large waves of applause.  People appear to be largely impressed, but that’s white mediocrity for you.  All he needed was an actual fitting suit and a teleprompter and suddenly people were ready to lay down their arms and accept the Great Pumpkin as their Commander-in-Chief. (Looking at you, Van Jones).  It goes to show, they don’t disagree with his policies, they just wish he’d stop being embarrassing.

To answer, 3 days.

3/4/17 (Day 114)- So remember how last week I mentioned how Jeff Sessions, the guy who was officially declared too racist to be a federal judge 30 years ago but managed to become the Attorney General and within days rolled back regulations to make private prisons great again?  Yeah…never mind all of that, HE TALKED TO RUSSIA AND LIED ABOUT IT *gasp*.  Once again, white people worried bout the wrong thing but if this is what it takes to get him out of here, so be it.  Meanwhile, Toupee Fiasco is throwing smoke bombs on Twitter, claiming Obama had his phones tapped and Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t quitting the Apprentice he’s being fired.  Race Bannon still chilling waiting for all this to fall so he can swoop in like a work husband.  Don’t trust Race Bannon.

-Stan-

 

 

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