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Today’s Word is… NEXT

There’s few places like the barbershop.  It’s the daytime gentleman’s club, the man cave, the original #blacktwitter.  Over the years, I’ve heard it all in the barbershop from when I was a kid to now.  Of course back then I was just laughing when they did just to fit in, now I’m a grown man who not only knows exactly what they talking about, but equipped with a few tales of my own to tell. So during my last visit, the topic broached…well I surely can’t say it here.  I will say the shop was evenly split between pro and against.  Team Pro debated valiantly and close their argument with the age old defense:

“What you won’t do, the next one will”

This mantra I typically see hurled towards women, that you must always have your head on a swivel because they outchea plotting on you, is something I’ve only half agreed with. While I agree that in a relationship you should always continue to evolve and never assume their satisfaction, the next one will logic is flawed.  One should be driven to please their partner not just who else might could.  S/Os don’t play defense. 

Bringing it back to the barbershop, the discussion switched to the man, the myth, the legend; the “next man”.  The next man, side dude, dirty mack, mister-ess etc, is an interesting character.  He serves different purposes to the relationship. Obviously to her, he’s the complementary piece, what she’s not getting from her she will get from him.  Attention, affection, affirmation. However, the next man is always a role player at best.  No matter how many voids he fills, and even though studies suggest women who are unfaithful typically develop some true feelings for the other man, he’s just the complement, rarely a real threat to the incumbent. Been there.

As for the man, his job to make him extremely uncomfortable.  Men are ego driven, if she was to leave for any reason, the last thing a man wants is another man.  There’s nothing more humbling than losing your queen to a personified Trey Songz record.  With that, it was the next man who got men to wear thighs like Bane masks, the next man who threw back throwbacks (sorry Hov), the next man who got you banging out that extra set at the gym, the next man made you want to learn how to cook. The next man continues to set the bar higher and higher and forces you to adjust to the new market.  He’s a necessary evil, as without him enters comfort, a gift and a curse.  There has to be a healthy fear that if you’re not handling business, you’ll become expendable. 

Here comes the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. The “next man” represents what she’s not getting from her man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s another man she’s getting it from. The “next man” can be freedom, a clean slate, being able to trust again. That is what makes the next man the ultimate temptation, and while she must resist, the man mustn’t make it too easy.  The other grass will always look greener when you’re not watering yours. The next man is always lurking in the shadows waiting for that 3rd missed call, waiting for you to not notice that new haitstyle, waiting for you to say “nah, I :don’t do that”.  

So how legitimate of a threat is the next man? As legitimate as you let him be.  There’s a reason Mark Sanchez and Kyle Orton kept hearing Tim Tebow’s footsteps while the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys chilling out miaxing relaxing all cool.  If I know I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be, there’s no need to be out here overcompensating like some of my fellow barbershop patrons.  I respect the respect the game, that should be it, what the next man eat….


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Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… EXCLUSIVE

Its so funny running into you…

So I run into a girl I used to talk to, we catch up for a second.  I almost forgot how much I was feeling her at some point, but for whatever reason whether it was my aversion to titles or the fact she never spoke up; we never were technically more than friends, although we were clearly involved.

“Seeing anyone?”

“nothing serious”

“Yeah, I know all too well”

She smiles and literally bites her tongue, she had more to say but she knew she already won this round.  That was one of the things I liked about her, she was a witty and sarcastic as me.  However, like me she would use it to hide real feelings and sell it really well; perhaps that’s how we ended up here.  We exchange numbers, although I’m not sure what my next move is yet, I miss her company but she wasn’t exactly the one that got away.  I hit her up that night, pick her brain.  We catch up on a lot and ultimately we come to the elephant in the room: what happened between us?

What it ultimately boiled to she wanted a relationship, I didn’t, she let me cook.  I kinda knew that already.  Why we stopped talking in general, was she felt some type of way when I actually turned around a got in a relationship (Madame).  “The better woman won :).” Still with the sarcasm.  Funny she said that as Madame was far from it.  To be honest, I never saw it as choosing one over the other.  Madame was somewhat of a whirlwind romance, I met her one day we were a couple the next.  I think had we just dated a while we would’ve never been official.  Me and “Ms.Wit” dated so long I never saw reason to be official.  So what is the ideal timeframe to actually take things from dating to exclusivity?

In my experience, its usually sooner.  Even though Madame was a flop, at the time I felt there was something there I wasn’t getting from my casual dates.  “She” we were actually friends for a while (she had a man when we met), but the second she was available to date (keyword available, not just single) I was on it.  Now I think about it most of my girlfriends we were together within the first month or two.  The times I waited, it never materialized, I already showed I ain’t sh*t got a gist of what type of relationship it would be. From there comes “friend zone”, completely cut off or forever waiting like Tim Tebow.  I trust my instincts if after months we aren’t an item there’s usually a reason why.  With Ms.Wit, there was no concrete reason perhaps because I was already getting free milk (I was like 19-20 after all).  I still was dealing with “Her”, and I was enjoying being single.  Guess you can call that poor timing.  There might’ve been something else I’m not remembering.  I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.

when is my turn?

All in all, the transition from dating to exclusivity should be a smooth one.  You should both want it, shouldn’t be an ultimatum or a “sure why not” #pewnpewn #shotsfired.  It should be a direct dialogue of expectations and feelings, not a game of chicken.  It can also mean sacrifice whether its withholding pink matter or simply walking away from it all.  Ms.Wit knew things weren’t headed where they ought, knew when to fold em, got to respect it.  Dating casually for years, ain’t nobody got time for that.




Filed under Dating, Love, Relationships, Simply Stan