Tag Archives: texting

Today’s Word is… CALLS


So I’m not a phone person; I’m a writer…I need cogitation, rumination in this dancery.  Tequila was the exception, she would call anyway, I would answer and suddenly it’s like 2 am and I’m counting how many hours of sleep I will have if I go to sleep at that instant and would I have time to grab coffee I will desperately need.  We could talk about everything and nothing at the same time, like how many times the WB tried to make fetch happen with Holly Robinson Peete, the Panama papers, how petty Prince is being in heaven or how neo soul songs be so smooth you don’t realize how much of a fuckboy they’re being.  I enjoyed our calls, it became my new normal.  After it was over I thought maybe she finally had broke my long cold war with the phone call…she didn’t.  Even from people I like, I can’t hide my lack of enthusiasm for this call.  After I say what needs to be said its like, I need to throw this napkin away, lemme call you right back.  (Don’t expect a call back).  Then there’s someone like my father, who wants everything he needs to know in that one call, efficiently.  Then he runs out of gas, it becomes “so…..you’re still a manager at that place, huh?”  

If only there was a way to say something when you have something to say and just not when you don’t…oh yeah, like a text message. But instead of being too much like right, we hold on to this romantic notion of the phone call.   We think back to the days of R&B song voicemails, 3 way calling, and eagerly anticipating calls from people you already seen today. Meh. Perchance it’s introversion, millennialism, or whatever but don’t call me, B. 

1. It’s intrusive –  The first time my office phone rang I was legit startled, like why is this paper weight making noise. I cringe when my cell screen lights up with an incoming call as I wait for it to go away because EVERYONE knows when it goes to voicemail after a ring and a half you’ve been rejected (why isn’t there an app for this, let freedom ring).  At least text first, you don’t know what I’m up to or who I’m with for that matter.

2. What you want – I assume most out the blue calls are pocket dials, at which point I will text to confirm.  Unlike a text where your actual thought is there to be read and interpreted…I don’t know why you called, and unless there’s a voicemail or an elucidating text I’m gonna assume it’s nothing which brings…

3. Public phone calls – I’m tickled by other people having private ass conversations out in public, myself I hate it.  I refuse to be the one having the wildly inappropriate convo…like the other day this girl was leaving the gentleman’s home, apparently he didn’t make a move, she wondered to her friend does he like women or maybe he has a disease. (if this conversation was any indication I can see why he passed, but I’m sleep).  I couldn’t not hear this conversation, and so I was 

a) waiting to see if someone on the train was going to cuss her out

b) astounded how comfortable she was having this conversation in public…like that was a group text topic if there ever was one

Lost are the days of private conversations in the kitchen, fiddling with the cord, speaking of…

4. Cell service is trash – I can barely hear you, or you can’t hear me…I would get a landline but then Comcast gives your number to telemarketers  (stay woke).  Doesn’t matter if you’re Android or iPhone, Verizon or T mobile..it’s all shaky. It’s 2016 and technology has gotten worse in this regard…or maybe they realize no one wants to talk on the phone.  

5. I said what I said –   I don’t like calling customer service, I will read that ass in a DM tho.  I’ve made it a practice to email my boss when I’m calling out because she loves to make a quick call out a business call full of updates and all the adulting shit I’ve already made a decision not to do today.  It’s simply more convenient to have what I need to say, right there in black and white and undebateable. “I’m not feeling well, I won’t make it in ok thanks bye.” So much easier than picking up the phone trying to sound like Jeezy and sell this cold. 

Most people who are strongly pro phone call are anti text because of the implied dismissal that comes with it.  Convenient means effortless, effortless means uninvested, and uninvested means a 10 year situationship. Crack, crevice, deviance.  Being called versus texted has become a line in the sand; I need your undivided attention, for reasons.    Why not up the ante, is a facetime more intimate than a phone call now? Are we not allowed to multitask anymore?  Or is this all just…silly.  Communication is communication, whether it’s read or heard and frankly, most of what you have to say can be said in about 300 characters.  If not, we can discuss over lunch instead.  


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Today’s Word is… STRANGER

[Editors Note: Repost, cuz writers block and I was halfway done with a post and thought, hey didn’t I do this already? Anyway, this felt fitting since we’re in this end of the summer lull where people suddenly start reappearing in our inboxes, hearts weary from a long summer of dating and have come to realize that hey, maybe you aren’t the worst they can do. Say no to comebacks, except Jordan, because Space Jam. Rendez-vous le jeudi!]


So, I got a text from this girl I used to see that she chose this cutie pie with whom she wanna be. She apologized if the message got me down then she CCed every man she see-seed around town. I wasn’t down, just a little confused we wasn’t together, or dating to say the least, we went out maybe once or twice, text when I was bored, had roles reversed I don’t think I would’ve shown the same courtesy. Guess she thought more of me than I her, it happens. It made me wonder if that’s how it should go down usually, when you are off the market do you go tell it on the mountain or let it be. The times I did tell someone that “I know we not together but I need to tell you we not together”, it was people who I knew would want to know this (i.e. I seen you naked or I really don’t want to talk to you anymore). There’s been times when I really would’ve appreciated a heads up and times like this when I really didn’t need to know you was gone. What’s more awkward than breaking up with someone who never considered dating you is when you do so and then you try to go back to said person who never actually considered dating you. Which is exactly what happened with the aforementioned woman who’s trying to make a comeback. Nah.

It’s just a natural occurrence in life, especially for single people there will be the ones who just disappear/reappear like Copperfield. I’m good for it myself, whether you’re committed or not, there’s favoritism, I might talk to someone all day every day while someone else might get stuck in the meh zone. Out of sight, out of mind. Why someone might disappear, it can be for whatever, you’ve run out of things to talk about, they found someone new, their phone got cut off, you took too long to put out (kidding, partially.) The comeback is always funny. It’s one thing if you run into an old flame at the store and we re-exchange info but when you just seen her Jamaican vacation photos on Facebook and suddenly you scrolling through the contacts trying to find a way to re-break the ice you let freeze solid months ago, another story entirely. Spoiler Alert, if you wondering why suchandsuch just reappeared, peep the sultriness of your last uploaded photo or avatar. (Sidebar: If you’re over 21, I’ma need you to not still be getting your phone shut off every other month and to have a consistent email that isn’t ballababyphatass@hotmail.com). Why ol girl reappeared, maybe it was my Facebook photo, maybe she’s trying to get back to her old life before dude, who knows? But so starts the awkward reappearing stranger convo (sadly this is exactly how it happened)

I wonder what he’s been up to…

“Hey stranger”

I’m pretty sure I’ve spoken on my hatred of this phrase. Translation: “I’m acknowledging we haven’t talked in a while but I’m not acknowledging it”

“How you been”

No one ever cares how you been that whole thing you wasn’t speaking otherwise, well they would’ve spoke. Translation: “you still single?”

That’s good

Regardless what you said they don’t care. Translation: “Now ask me a question so I can tell you I’m single or I’ll be in town”

I miss you

Again, bullshit. Translation: “Do you actually miss me”

But you never hit me up

Prepping the role reversal…. Translation: “Eat the cake, Anna Mae…”

I see how it is

Wait, YOU hit ME up why am I explaining myself Translation: “Gotcha bitch”

We should hang out sometimes

Availability and interest confirmed, on to phase 2 Translation: “Ask ME out so then it becomes your responsibility to plan”

Ok, sounds fun see you then

What? I don’t have shit else to do. Translation: “Game. Blouses.”

Don’t talk to strangers kids.


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Today’s Word is… TEXTING

[Editors Note: Its the repost baby….ain’t like y’all read every post before anyway, okay maybe one of you did, but the rest enjoy like its new]


You know the story: Boy meets girl. Boy charms girl. Girl gives Boy her number. Boy walks home happy, lighting up the sidewalks like in the Billie Jean video.  MJ Gone, our nickel dead.  While he’s celebrating his new acquisition, he forgets that last boss battle, he charmed her enough for a number, but now that he’s found love what is he gonna do, with it.  Heavy D gone too, damn.  He must again charm her enough to get to know her better or in up in something far less than the friend zone, “the meh zone”.  The Meh zone is where boring texters go, when conversations never go much beyond:

“Hey you”
“Nm, u”
“Ok cool”


A nice text game is essential in a new age of dating.  Gone are the days of sitting in the kitchen on the house phone talking about eachothers day, trying to keep your late night r&b radio voice going.  They’re busy, you’re busy, texts are convenient (even though some people act as if we’re still on landlines and will be all types of mad if you don’t answer their texts the second you get them, or everytime you hit them up they only going to talk about the times you didn’t, like seriously, if you wanted an instant response or some way to know I’m busy why not, you know, call…okay mini rant over).  Whether its on the phone or texting, the point is to have something to say, the awkward silences followed by “my mother needs to use the phone” is now just the “ok.”

I’ve been meh zoned, I’ve meh zoned.  Some people I just drift into the abyss, others I made a valiant comeback.  Of course, I’m an aspring writer who spends his spare time writing 600 word posts about whatever pops into my mind so making spontaneous conversation is a piece of cake.  It’s more an issue of if I actually care to.  Which brings me to step #1 of getting out the meh zone

1. Assess why you care- If i really dont wanna get to know you better, its hard to fake the funk.
2. Be random, be memorable- Hey beautiful works, random song lines works better
3. Death to LOL- i always hated lol, even in aol chatroom days.  Most texts are assumed to be in jest you dont have to attach lol to everything
4. Use your surroundings- Talk about a coworker, people watch, something on tv, rarely are you in solitary confinement and texting theres always something to talk about
5. I know you’re bored- We all text when we’re bored, its assumed, you dont need to say such.

The meh zone is an inconvenience but it’s fairly easy to recover.  No different from being on the phone, or actually out on a date, we all just want to be entertained and engaged, and when we’re not we’ll find something or someone else. As you know, I’m iffy on texting period but I do appreciate a free flowing back and forth conversation, it shouldn’t be a chore.  Oh and umm don’t text and drive….the more you know n sh t. 



Filed under Dating, Randomness

Today’s Word is… PHONE


I’ve been on this earth for 25 years, quarter century, a crack dealers jail sentence.  I’m a tweener between 90s baby and millennial and usually bounce sides.  For example, I think Jordan is the greatest player ever but can admit Kobe/LeBron do some things better.  I went my entire high school education without a cell phone, but been on some form of social media since 17.  I said all that to say this, where I’m really split between 90s baby and millennial is that I hate talking on the muhfuggin phone.  I was that teen on the phone all night talking about nothing but our first world problems and adult feelings we aint know nothing about, but these days I’m over it.  Let’s go to lunch, video chat, hell write me a letter, but why do some women seem so insistent on talking on the phone?  By some its usually women older than I am or have some Steve Harveyism that a man who doesn’t call got a wife or doesn’t like you.

Perhaps its the introvert in me that cringes every time my phone rings. A ringtone is never not intrusive, whether I’m at work, actually using my phone, or just sitting alone in four cornered room staring at candles.  Other people’s phones annoy me, especially in public when I hear the sh t and apparently they can’t.  The convenience of a cell phone is its downfall, at least back in the day, I left and the phone stayed there, something about always having access to me, not a big fan.


There’s exceptions to the rule like if one of us has a question that needs an immediate answer, I’m mad and need to yell at you, you have a great story or one of us is driving, or you’re just that incredibly awesome we can talk for hours and its effortless.  Two people. Two people can probably make that claim.  Otherwise, its a chore and what makes it more of a chore is trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.  Bluntly put, our daily lives are not that interesting.  Even in an era of social media/blogging, even this blog I put it out there, people read or don’t, talking on the phone you’re forcing them to listen, care, respond.  Texts you can respond at your own convenience, in person theres almost always something else going on (TV, food, activities, people watching). 

Maybe I’m being too hard on phone calls, people bore via text and real life.  I think we communicate too much sometimes, that 2 hour phone conversation would’ve been better had we just got up.  If all I did today was talk to you, what’s there to talk about tonight?  Admittedly romance is lost when I’m just words on a screen, but so is hearing your voice and not seeing your face.  Phone calls are just as impersonal, even if you’re getting more attention than a text its still only part of them.  A text is a snack, a call is an appetizer, face to face is the meal, you don’t want to feel up on either but if you’re that hungry why not go for the snack until the meal comes?  That makes sense right? 


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Today’s Word is… COURTING

Storytime boys and girls:

It was summer of 2007, I was riding around and getting it with my boy, he had to stop at the store I stayed in the car messaging away on my sidekick.  It was almost seconds later the door opened, and enters a leg, not a denimed one with Air Force ones but rather thick, auburn one; uncovered except up the thigh where her striped dress started.   She sits in the drivers seat and adjusts her dress, she peers over at me and screams.  I’m startled and I drop my phone.   “Who are you?” we both say in unison.  “This is my car” she interjects, “No this is -” I’m interrupted by a horn, it was from her actual car, same make and model parked right behind us.  She’s flustered by this awkward situation, buries her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry”, another honk from her passenger in the other car, she again fixes her dress and leaves, stopping to apologize to my boy who was walking back to the driver’s door.  “I see you Mac” my boy exclaimed.  “You bag that?” catching another glimpse of her in his mirror.  “I don’t even know what just happened”.

It’s a few weeks later, its a group of us at the mall, “yo ain’t that the girl from the store”, there she was, dressed much more conservatively, jeans and shirt, sitting at a table in the food court alone.  They pressured me to go talk to her.  “Aren’t you that carjacker?” she smiled, we talked for a bit and as I walked back I realized we didn’t even exchange numbers.  Strike 2. What I did know was she worked somewhere in the mall.   Every time I came back to the mall, I was on the lookout for her until eventually I found out where she worked. She was a cashier at the Old Navy, now just to be there when she was. Retelling the story it sounds creepy but then it made perfect sense, I don’t know what it was but I had to have her.  

She was working the register, and I think I grabbed anything and got in line.  She was hip to my game (or lack thereof).  “Hi carjacker” “Hi Stalker”. Ouch.  I asked if perhaps we can run into each other on purpose. She agreed. I finally got the girl.

Fast forward two months, I’m in a relationship with a completely different girl. There was no awkward meetings, no stalking, no persistence. I basically just got her AIM off her MySpace page, started casual convo, we hung out, enjoyed each others company next thing you know we were dating. Me and carjacker went out twice, I couldn’t get a read on her. I think there was interest, but she wasn’t exactly swooned like ol girl was. Basically I went with what was easier. Looking back, it’s pretty much set a bad precedent for my dating life, I, like plenty my age, have simply gotten lazy in art that is courting.

Writing this post made me curious about Carjacker, I found her on facebook, she messaged me her number already. It’s crazy considering the things I went through to get it just 6 years ago. The game done changed. But is it for the better or worse? Is new age courting laziness or convenient? Is there even room for the old school methods.
In an era where people are less creeped out from a random friend request than a simple approach; calling a girl and asking her out on a date is so outdated (see what I did there), I’ve spoken on texts, dates and even defining relationships before, yet I’m also guilty of texting too much, chilling in lieu of dates and even settling for unofficial exclusivity. In my defense, some women find courting silly or tacky, or they are so unaccustomed to it they don’t know how to feel. I’ve been called too nice, not aggressive enough. I’m treating her dinner and she was already down to give dessert #dontbejudgingtho. Other women who wanted me to come a little harder, depending how I felt about her I obliged or left it be.

Whether its a text or phone call, $200 date or hanging out at the house. I really think at the end of the day courting is courting. I’m expressing interest in you in hopes you will reciprocate. Sweet messages might make one swoon and another side eye. Different strokes and whatnot. All I know is if she’s someone I truly want; I’m coming with everything I got,



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Today’s Word is… MASCULINITY

Now, in my experience when an ex needed to talk, it was a pregnancy scare, needing closure, or wanting my permission to date my boy.  So I started counting back months, crossed my fingers and called.

So it turned out her friends cat had a litter of kittens and needed to unload some, ummm cool story.  They’ve tried but there’s still 3-4 left and are reaching out to anyone with space….

uh oh I see where this is going…

“can you take 2 until we find owners?”

“My apartment doesn’t allow pets”

“Doesn’t the guy downstairs have a dog”

“Thats a dog and he’s not even allowed to have it”

“Doesn’t the one across the hall have a cat”

“My apartment is too small for two cats”

“Just take one, until we find another owner or you can find one..pleeeeeease we don’t know who else to ask”

Not him…just as evil tho

And with that enters Brady (if I’m going to have a furball, it’s going to at least be named after the greatest QB of my time), a I think it’s like 12 weeks old now I’m not a cat person, Maine coon kitten sent from the depths of hell.  I’ve had him for a month of so, almost found a home a few times but one changed their mind, another didn’t want to pay a rehoming fee, and the other wanted me to bring it 2 hours away (I don’t deliver, #digiorno).  I think it was all an evil ploy by “She”, try to throw off my game, single men with cats are usually perceived as gay, secretly married or serial killers.  Also she knows firsthand how much  I value my stuff and has sent Brady to destroy it from the inside Trojan Horse style.  But at least he doesn’t use my brush, talk during Pardon the Interruption and say he’s not hungry but then proceeds to pick off my plate and out the pan for 10 minutes, so for now he’s an upgrade as a roommate.  I was telling my friend about this unfortunate turn of events and she laughed and said honestly a cat fits my personality, in the sense I’m lazy, low maintenance and only want attention when I’m bored.  Another friend shared a similar sentiment also throwing in responsible and caring.  My boy basically went way left saying that it was my way of holding on the her, which isn’t true I would’ve done it for anyone.  Another said f*** that leave the door open and let fate drive.  I laughed, admittedly considered it but for now I’m still a single man with a cat.  This can potentially alter the dynamics of my dating life.


I needed to test on objective parties.  I broke the news to a boo (leaving the part where i did it as a favor to my ex of course), she wanted to say something but didn’t so I used the serial killer line and she agreed wholeheartedly.  Another had a “to each his own I guess” reaction.  An e-boo thought it was sweet I was helping out a friend (exactly, only took 7 people to get it) and that she liked that I was secure with myself.  Then another girl cosigned the low maintenance part, she don’t know me like that, who she think she is?  Anyway, men with cats do get a bad rep and as a temporary member I guess I have to defend.  I don’t need to walk around with a rottweiler like I’m Nino Brown to overcompensate, or use a dog as a wingman if I see a cute girl (actually that is the only reason a dog would come in  handy).

Side eye me if I start carrying a picture in my wallet, join a pet forum (although I do google a lot of stuff, like why it keeps going to town on its tail, or when they start shedding fur because hopefully he’s gone by then), start dressing it or actually own more than one (one cat is low maintenance, two cats is just creepy).  Cat or not I’m far from the cliche man anyways; sure I love beer, sports, boobs, have facial hair and hate everything that Nicholas Sparks ever wrote, but also I blog, I read books, watch what I eat, listen to R&B, and I like turkey bacon.  I am who I am.  I’m not a cat owner tho.


Filed under Randomness, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… COMMUNICATION

I love social media.  It’s directly catered to someone like me: moderately attractive, quirky one liners, constantly looking at cleavage not trying to get noticed. However I’m really particular about what I say on there, I have to provide some incentive to get to know me.  I’m the same with text messaging, I have to provide some incentive to hang out with me. Nothing against either; they’re fun, convenient but *passes mic to Justin Timberlake* “Ayo I’m tired of using technology, I need you right here in front of  me”. To be honest, communication has become a lost art.  It’s not just technology, but people are so caught up reading statuses and tweets they forget that behind the computer or smartphone there’s an actual person they could be talking to.



For this reason, I don’t like texting very much.  Sometimes we get caught up with words on a screen and I want you to remember that behind all these nice words and emojis, there’s a man.  A man you can hang with, converse with, sleep with.  Also I’m distracted easily, we can be engaged in great conversation but then I get a notification that someone just dropped a 7 letter word on my ass. tee tee why el.  On another note if im fully engaged in text conversation, i’m going to text other people at the same time. I’m sure you’re probably doing the same thing as well.  That’s the other reason I dislike texting, if I’m talking to you I want to feel as though I have your attention.  Perhaps I do; but I can’t know for sure and I’m left to assume, and you know what they say about one who assumes, when you assume, you’re on a social network.

Stay Schemin…


My Facebook, like my Ayo Technology reference, is very dated.  I have the same profile I had in 2006 my Freshman year, back when Facebook was cool and my grandparents weren’t the first people to like my photos.  There’s very little to go on there, a couple of pictures with exes, the timeline feature thankfully only shows snippets and my statuses are few and far between.  In fact, “Miss” noted how drama free my Facebook was, she was disappointed.

My Twitter provides a little more insight.  However, its mostly musings.  I’m not one to say “oh its just Twitter”, because musings or not, they are still my words; I stand by them, I guarantee them, like Frank Lucas stands behind “Blue Magic”.  When I do get personal it’s usually in a subliminal form, perhaps the pettiest yet hilarious way to talk about someone.  However, many make the mistake of judging me from what I say on Twitter but essentially they’re getting cliff notes, to know me you’re going to have to read the book.

This blog has so far gotten personal, and so far its already backfired.  Yes it’s only been 24 hours and “Safe” is biting in my behind.  “Ms” stumbled upon the blog, actually I was just shamelessly promoting it on another site.  Now she’s wants nothing to do with me, perplexing because there’s nothing I wrote that I hadn’t brought to her attention prior.  Nonetheless I’m over it, well not actually but pride will not let me chase this woman again.  It’s exhausting.  Hopefully, when dust settles we can have a healthy conversation but probably won’t happen.  Well That’s communication now, text rants, snooping, and lack of active listening.



Filed under Relationships