Previously on the Trumpocalypse:
“Wait, wtf you mean he won?”
“Don’t Trust Race Bannon!”
4/1/17 (Day 145)- Last year on April Fool’s Day I posted a picture in a wedding band with no context. When it escalated to the point that my pastor grandfather was congratulating me, it was like okay, party’s over. I wake up today and Donald Trump, the duck facing billionaire from the Apprentice, is the President of the United States and it feels like a joke that’s gone too far. Like, we can’t seriously have him meeting with other world leaders, he can’t actually be our commander-in-chief, this didn’t ACTUALLY happen right? I guess I’m waiting for this Russian hammer to fall so he gets put away and we go back to normalcy. President Trump still feels like an oxymoron to me. My President is Frank Underwood.
4/3/17 (Day 147)- One of the few things, I’ve enjoyed throughout this is watching the internet fall in love with Maxine Waters. As other Dems have made their peace with the idea that America elected a con man, she seems to be the only one who is like “Nah, this shit isn’t normal”. Toupee Fiasco rose to power on,”there’s no time to be politically correct” so it’s only fitting his detractors don’t just bow down out of respect for the office and call him out on his BS. (glances over at “revolutionary” Bernie Sanders and his hive). At 78, it’s much too late for an Auntie Maxine 2020 shirt but she has been a silver lining throughout all of this. Favorite Maxine since Shaw. (She’s a Living Single character, white readers….basically it was our version of Friends…that happened to air first…funny how that happens, huh?)
4/6/17 (Day 150)- So we just bombed Syria for bombing Syrians to send a message to not bomb Syrians, and for having bombs in Syria in the first place. The very thing Orange Foolius warned President Obama not to do. (Apparently, before deciding to take up Presidency as a hobby all he did was tweet out hot takes like a political Skip Bayless which no one paid attention to because why would we care what the guy from The Apprentice thought about anything this important is what we said to ourselves in 2013…yet here we are *sigh*).
4/7/17 (Day 151) PLOT TWIST: Syria knew it was coming and got anything valuable out of the way. Because Russia tipped them off. Meanwhile, our state department found out the same time we did. By the way, Nacho Nazi ordered this strike from his vacation home while hosting the President of China and discussing North Korea. Again, we can’t have the guy from the Apprentice doing important things? This is precisely what I was talking about. Lettuce prey.
4/8/17 (Day 152)- Neil Gorsuch confirmed. Sometimes I wonder why Democrats don’t act more like Republicans, money hungry, masochist, corrupt as they may be…they get shit done. They deboed President Obama’s constitutional right to name a Supreme Court Justice, just because they could. The fact that the Supreme fucking Court has become political is disheartening and scary. Someone check on Ruth Bader Ginsberg, get her some fruit or something.
4/11/17 (Day 155)- I’m at the gym, headphones in I glance up at the TV and I see the headline “Presidential Mis-Spokesman”. I thought oh its the Daily Show; nope CBS Evening News with Scott Pelley. Even the unbiased network news mocks this administration. Again, it all feels like a joke that has carried on too long. Also…shouldn’t Spicer be better at his job. Fox News has built an empire on lies and hyperbole. Meanwhile, Mango Mussolini managed (alliteration ftw) to find the one dude who is as unfit for his job as he is.
4/13/17 (Day 157)- So, remember how I was saying we don’t need to have the guy from the Apprentice doing important things? Twitter-Fingers-in-Chief just dropped a MOAB, a bomb so obnoxiously large I’m shocked it didn’t have “Trump” on it, on Afghanistan. In true Trump fashion, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing. Meanwhile, he didn’t even remember he bombed Syria last week, however he remembers the chocolate cake he had for dessert that night. I just…..where is Mike Pence?
4/15/17 (Day 159)- Perhaps, an unpopular opinion….I don’t give a fuck about 2pée Shakur’s tax returns. Especially when he’s bombed 2 countries in 2 weeks while threatening another. It’s like the Chicago protest, or the women’s march…do it when it matters. What will you do if he never releases his tax returns…not elect him? Because I mean, he didn’t and well, we saw what happened. Not much unlike Drake after the ghostwriter rumors; he dared you to care and you didn’t. So take your ass home. Hug your family. (Because North Korea ain’t playing) Happy Easter.
4/19/17 (Day 163)- I didn’t expect Tom Brady to make the trip to the White House; he may have “He’s my friend” money, but Giselle got “go sit your ass down somewhere” money. Big bank take little bank. It made me wonder if I would actually turn down an invitation to the White House. I would be half curious what he would have to say to me, but half afraid of what I would say to him. The way he just effortlessly lies to people’s faces it would drive me up the wall. Maybe I’d just go for the experience and pretend I was there in 2016.
4/21/17 (Day 165)- It’s futile to compare President Obama and Sunkist Stalin at this point; they not in the same league don’t shoot at the same basket. However as Trump nears the 100 day mark, the failure is epic. William Henry Harrison might’ve gotten more done in his first 100 days and he was dead for 69 of them. 100 days in of Obama, we had the Lilly Ledbetter act for equal pay, the stimulus package, 19 executive orders. 100 days of Tweety Bird, he’s done nothing of what he’s promised. Because of course he didn’t. Objectively speaking, the 100 day mark IS not a great measuring tool, FDR set an unrealistic bar in very desperate times. However, Trump has simply tried and failed spectacularly no wall, no ban, no tax reform, no infrastructure only thing he has done was pick a Supreme Court justice he had no business picking in the first place.
4/24/17 (Day 168)- He’s baaaaack. After taking months to live his best life like an ex girlfriend would, President Obama has returned to the US almost on cue as we near 100 days of ineptitude under the great Trumpkin. It’s almost like that scene in Lion King when Simba returns to Pride Rock and it’s all desolate. Simba at least got to fight for his spot back, Obama just about to hit us with the
and keep it moving. Honestly, as he should…I wouldn’t even come back.
4/28/17 (Day 178)- LIKE. CLOCKWORK. Obama has been back in the public eye for a few days and suddenly people are losing their minds over a reported $400K speaking fee for a Wall Street firm. Nevermind the actual President is currently rolling back regulations (that Obama put in place) that make it possible for these firms to blow $400K on a pep talk in the first place. Nevermind it costs $400K to protect the first lady because she just doesn’t feel like living with her husband. Nope, let’s hold private citizen Obama to a higher standard than President Business. It’s like no one learned from caring so much about emails they ignored Russian collusion. Have we learned nothing? Apparently so.
4/29/17 (Day 179)- We’ve reached the official 100th Day. And it turns out…he didn’t do anything he promised. Apparently, he didn’t realize it would be this difficult. It’s like that show Pros vs Joes, when they would put self proclaimed great athletes against retired professional athletes and it went over about as well as you expected. That’s Trump, he talked all that talk on Twitter and now he’s in the chair way out of his element, because he’s not a politician. He’s the guy from the Apprentice. God help us all.