Tag Archives: stability

Today’s Word is… STABILITY

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I fell in love with my best friend.  The transition was seamless (well except the whole I was with someone else, who wasn’t really the one, kinda cold,  a little too pragmatic you know real romantic comedy-esque).  So that first ex reached out cuz #heystrangerseason and we went out to catch up (cuz bored) . She’s doing alright for herself as I always expected. She does the whole are you still with ol girl thing, I tell her no, I ask how’s her life these days she’s like oh I been seeing someone for a few YEARS. Years B.  Ironically enough he’s kinda cold, a little too pragmatic and so she wonders about what if she was just able to soften up a little would we had worked.  (We wouldn’t) I don’t even know if I am that romantic sap anymore anyway.   I have no regrets, I would go back and make that decision every time.  It was interesting to see myself through her eyes because I see myself through her now.   I am a little colder, a bit more of a pragmatist; however it suits me more in my mid 20s than it did her in college… It wasn’t until I wrote this out that I remembered she was like 5 years older than me.  Just ruined my whole premise. I think I can still make this work.  Let’s just backtrack a bit… (oh and she picked up the check… Cuz years, B)

I fell in love with my best friend.  The transition was seamless, we went from friends to my nephew drawing her in the family pictures, apparently he knew before I did.  They say all you need is love and all that and for a while I was right there with it, but ultimately what did us in was I valued stability more than I realized.  Wanting stability gets a bad rep, have nots like to standard shame and flip the narrative from wanting someone who has their shit together to I ain’t saying she a gold digger.  Love conquers all sounds good but even Martin and Gina didn’t flourish until Martin got his shit together.   There’s only so much cuddling and forehead kisses can do when an otherwise unhappy life awaits us outside of the bedroom.  Giving your all to better the one you love only to look back and realize they’re the same person they’ve always been and all that work was over compensating for the fact that you knew better.  When I say I need someone stable, I don’t even mean just financially but rather…. Is you happy?  

We’re guilted into this idea that love is adversity, it’s a grind, weather the storm to see the sun on the other side.  Get in on this potential, I might maybe could work out.  Be that 6th, 9th and 17th view on his YouTube video, he overdosed in a brothel go get your man Khloe, sure she can’t keep a job, quits everything she tries and spent thousands of your dollars on Lord knows what… P.O.P hold it down.  Thats not to say, abandon these people; just you have some things on your plate, handle your business…I’ll be over here in the friend zone.  (Until that blows up because we’re so entitled that how dare someone care about you and not want to be with you). 

Love is an investment, and like any investment it can pay off or blow up in your face.  I’m sure I could Google a story about a couple that slept in a car together and now they’re millionaires, good for them, but for every one of them there’s about plenty more wondering I can’t believe I slept in a car for this muhfugga.  I’m not that brave anymore, I don’t need perfect but I do want…stable, together, we can contribute to make each other’s lives better.  Of course, this could all be null and void because with my luck I’ll probably fall for a grad student who still reeling from a bad breakup because God be trolling like that. 

-Stan-

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Filed under Dating, Love, Relationships

Today’s Word is… MARRIAGE

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, okay, it was really the midwestern United States, there was a girl, smart, beautiful, with the right amount of sass.  A honor roll student, this girl was coveted by many prestigious institutions across the country but decided to attend a local school to be closer to her ailing mother and older brothers, as the youngest child and only daughter she felt obligated to.  Her mother would pass on, and still devastated, she took the opportunity to leave the rural town in her rear view, she joined the army.  It was there she met a charming young fellow from the big city also looking for a fresh start. They dated, fell in love and were soon married.  She, 21, him 23.  They would have 5 kids (including a certain blogger) and live happily for a while after.

Fast forward 30 years, I’m out having dinner and drinks with some people and one says, “no one should be married before 30”, a majority of the table echoed that sentiment.  The person was speaking from experience, he’s 28, recently divorced from his college sweetheart.  He was speaking from perspective more than bitterness, although I can’t say I agree.  Maybe getting married while Sallie Mae is already calling you like “gimme the loot gimme the loot”, or even when you haven’t even really enjoyed being a bachelor/ette (because being single at 18 and single at 25; two completely different things), but 30?  That’s 5 years for me, if I wanted to get married before a Playstation 5 and iPhone X drops am I really setting myself up for failure?

I guess I suffer from premature maturation, because I want to get married, hell I did 2-3 years ago.  I was out with other professionals all in their late 20s/early 30s, most resigned to the fact that love is great, but marriage is about stability. They looked at things from logic and practicality, and I get where they’re coming from but I don’t get where they’re coming from.  Love don’t pay bills, love doesn’t provide for a household, love isn’t even great sex (another I disagree with but I think I need a fresh 600 words for that one), I’m very logical but I’m also a romantic, why can’t I have both?  Will too much adversity kill love?  Has marriage really been reduced to a glorified collaboration?  Yet 74% of the country still thinks gay marriage is the slap in the face.

I think about “She”, perhaps the one who was closest to getting the ring and everything that turned me off.  Irresponsible, dramatic, disrespectful, what’s love got to do with that?  I love you but I can’t conceive a child with someone who chills and smokes all day, I love you but how we gonna sign a mortgage when you maxing out credit cards on shoes, do I already have that tunnel vision?  Or maybe that balance is just necessary.  I’m a romantic realist, there’s love but then there’s the aftermath.  Fairy tales always have prince and princesses, its easy to be happily ever after when them bills already handled.  What happens when you Dwayne Wayne a wedding then you get sued for the cost of the whole thing?  Aladdin still gonna be down when Jasmine put on 50 lbs?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.

But seriously what’s more important love or stability?  I still say love, I asked others in different age ranges, most didnt answer the damn question and said both, a surprising consensus went stability.  “Dessiner”(who insisted she got a cool nickname) was team love and also like me says its simply hard to separate emotion and reality.  All them love songs about I want nothing but you, but they are millionaires already, few are about that life.  Maybe Lauryn Hill she popped a Marley and gave it all away.  Perhaps I’m still young and naive but I believe in love (also in myself that even if we aren’t loaded we won’t be like unbelievably broke).  But who knows, apparently I got 5 mo years to figure this all out.

-Stan-

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Filed under Love, Money, Simply Stan