Tag Archives: single

Today’s Word is… SELFOFSTEAM

There’s no bigger ego stroke than someone falling in love with you.  For that someone that you was once just a stranger, a casual acquaintance, a classmate and now you’re everything.  We all have varying values on sex, some can’t sleep with someone they don’t love while others will swipe right get their itch scratched and maybe reminisce about it on a random cold evening.  In either regard, having someone fall for you is the true conquest.  Hell, just having someone is still viewed as the ultimate validation.  While it’s more commonly used to shame women, in reality it’s moreso men who truly get their #selfofsteam and confidence from their romantic relationships.  We’re the pursuers after all, a woman is as single as her options while a man is as single as his efforts.  Men aren’t above getting their Chante Moore on, especially with a bad one.
What about the man without that validation?  No one wants to be the old head at the club or the 40 year old bachelor on tinder who has never been in love before and now your date’s friends are wondering what’s wrong with you. (Basically, gotta have experience, but can’t have baggage. Dating is stupid.)  Toxic as it may be, we still equate manhood with our appeal to women, and if you don’t have no sauce you’re lost (Gucci Mane, 2013). 

 So naturally, there was a time where that was where I got all my confidence from.  Didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me; she thinks I’m funny, she thinks I’m fly, she loves me.  Then one day, she didn’t.  It left a void in my self worth.  Was I not those things anymore?  But reflection and growth took too long so, I just found another woman who did.  I could start over, charm, court, woo…be everything she was looking for and in return I would get validation.  I found someone, so clearly it’s not me it’s her.  Then when that flamed out, oh look there’s another.  I could keep going hunting and hunting, never really learning from my flame outs because they’ll always another woman who’s waiting for someone like me.  Except, I wasn’t even someone like me anymore.

The relationships themselves were burning out quicker each time.  The cure had become the disease, now I was tripping over every fall out with women, even the ones I wasn’t even sure I liked.  I just liked being Prince Charming. Meanwhile, she couldn’t even tell me what my favorite color was.  I couldn’t tell you what I liked most about them. My dating life had gotten aimless, I just got into relationships because that was the right thing to do and it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted.  I had become lost in the sauce, just as Gucci warned.

It was a year ago today actually, I found myself listening to Views, rolling my eyes at Aubrey’s arrogrant attempts at affliction (alliteration ftw) and coming to the realization of….wait, that’s me.  Was my ego out of control, or was it always just low self esteem? I went with the former, because why would I cop to low self esteem?  The issue was I was just picking the wrong ones…purposely. Yeah, that was it.  Now I had Tequila, someone who I knew I wanted from the moment I saw her.  Failed spectacularly.   She said I couldn’t love her because I didn’t love myself.  I pffffffft’d.  I moved on and she’s…well. (there was gonna be a parting shot here but I’ma rise above).  

I’m my best me when I have someone, when I’m happy…as most men are.  The love and support of a good woman is the ultimate glo up.  How else are you going to learn to use real garlic instead of garlic salt, invest in quality bedoing and stop hanging up posters with scotch tape. Some are happier with a plethora of women sweating them whilst remaining single and then you know, sup Carmelo.  Seldom is it just a nut, it’s affairs, situationships, strings attached maybe it’s all just a result of low self esteem and unable to be content with I got mine and I’m good.  Contrary to popular belief we aren’t just dogs with no impulse control, we are self aware adults who just long to be validated. Over and over again.   Or something.  Shrug life.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CASUAL

So let’s talk about sex (barely.)  I’m not necessarily a big fan of casual hookups; an arrangement that is intended for convenience is actually full of rules and regulations because lord forbid someone catches feelings.  Everyone has their own method to keep them feels away, no kissing, don’t call before a certain time, no spending the night, no cuddling, no eye contact…for all this effort to feel detached why not just leave money on the nightstand. (Oh yeah, laws and shit). I’m the worst kinda casual hookup, I like affection, going out, and what’s otherwise deemed “relationship shit” while also maintaining the consistency that is not wanting your ass. Essentially,  I’m a Gemini. I recently learned that people have clear distinctions between a jump off, fuckbuddy, and friends with benefits while I never really saw the point in creating an upper single class.  To me it’s still rejection; “I only like you enough to sleep with”.  It’s the inconvenient truth behind casual hookups. *whispers*  You are either sleeping with someone who isn’t what you want or you aren’t what they want. 

*Funk Flex bombs*

For whatever reason or several, it just ain’t on that relationship trajectory and so you’re just enjoying the Netflix and chill. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, just call it what it is.  Some people can keep that arrangement happily for years, most can’t. (Debate your cat). Way back when, my coping mechanism was denial.  I reveled in it for a while, psssh unattached sex? Bet.  Like that time I met this girl at this frat party…

…and it turned out they were a couple. Anyway, even the come thru dude is eventually going to wonder why y’all can’t at least grab dinner sometime, or feel a type of way about the way you said you could NEVER date someone like them.  Its not necessarily “catching feelings” as much as it’s just “damn, that’s how you see me?”

It’s common practice for the less invested party to deflect, like in that TheNeighborsSoiree and Drake Come and See Me song; the girl is like, can you not just call me drunk late at night to come thru, act like you have some couth. They proceeded to make her valid concern into a catchy hook like yo she tripping. It was a truth I had to face with someone, that it wasn’t poor timing or the past…it was just never going to be her.  She didn’t “catch feelings” for me, she recognized her place in my life and dipped out.  I wish her well.  I would’ve done the same roles reversed (or at least waited until I met someone cuz who really tryna be quitting jobs without another lined up…but God is still working on me).  

So what did we learn here?  Casual sex is great!!! (Provided don’t catch feelings, manage expectations, and have little to no desire to pursue an exclusive relationship) …or at the very least just lie to yourself.  It’s human nature to get attached to people you’re smashing as well as the resentment that comes when you are attachment to someone who isn’t yours.  Yet it’s hipper to pretend we don’t care about these things.  (Yes, millenial girl with the septum piercing I know YOU’RE the exception you love to hook up with guys and you never feel a thing, you’re awesome).  It could be so much simpler if we would all just stay single, stick to our standards, and not entertain or smash anyone we aren’t serious about….

I hate it here.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNCHOSE

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The first time I came home from work to an empty apartment, realizing I was the one who didn’t take chicken out to thaw; because no one else lives here anymore

SO, this is life now?

The first time I stumbled into said empty apartment from drunken shenanigans, fell out on my bed fully dressed, spread out and was like…

So, THIS is life now?

The first time I had to buy condoms declined plans because I wasn’t trying to go alone

So, this IS life now?

The first time I got the thanks but no thanks text not long after a few dates I thought went fairly well…

So, this is LIFE now?

(Quick aside: She even spelled my name wrong in said curve text, no respeck on my name…It wasn’t even like I was that into her but it was the like the first time I got curved in like a good 6 years, I hope she falls down steps. On principle.  Just kidding. Mostly.)

Chilling at a family function, seeing my immediate family all with their respective spouses/baes and there I was with a phone and a drink realizing that EYE was the single one.

So, this is life NOW

See, I’m just a bachelor *Ginuwine voice*.  By happenstance. I’m not grinding, working on me, taking myself off the market because someone auntie told me that love comes when I least expect it so technically I’m not looking yet I am still looking with one eye (No Fetty). I’m single because I am, and I don’t need any of the excuses single people use to say to the(ir blogs)mselves that they are good with being single.  

I’m also not tripping off being single; besides no one wants to hear the siren of the young, iight looking and unchose.  Hell, even I hate it. Even so I typically get the same platitudes of “psssh you’re young”, “one day”, or “this could be us but you playing”.  They would be correct but I’m not trying to hear that either. 

Single has its highs and lows and it seems in this day and age, you gotta pick a side and roll with it.  Whether its the person who is always miserable about being unchose or the one who swears pizza, porn and Netflix is all they need in life…they are equally annoying. They both would fare better  somewhere in the middle, where you’re not throwing yourself at anything yet still leaving the house looking like you remotely care. I like to think I’m in that middle largely with some days I’m feeling more column A or B, that’s just how life works. 

So, this life is now… I can have 3 dates in a week or barely leave the house. I can leave town to turn up for a couple days just cause.  I can see a cute baby on the train and it fuck up my day.  I can redeem some of these birthday dinner offers.  I can finally see what is so special about Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  I can see if a LDR is worth the hassle.  I can look in her eyes and see all the possibilities. I can hear her favorite song and wonder if she’s well.  I can join an online dating site for longer than 3 hours.  I can check my lease and see if I can get a puppy. I can chat up the girl at happy hour or I can lurk her timeline for subtweets.  I can just live my life, essentially. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CONVENIENT

So it’s been a long time, shouldn’t left you.  I been busy with work,  life, moonlighting over at Verysmartbrothas…and writer’s block is a bitch. With halitosis.  So anyway,  can I rant for a minute… Of course I can, this my house. 

Remember how when you were a kid and you would be amped about a Happy Meal toy you saw in the commercial,  so amped you would want some damn McDonald’s.  You were even prepared for the “you got McDonald’s money” line, cause you had McDonald’s money,  that’s how hype you were for that toy, you dancing in the car,  ready for all 850 calories of horsemeat, synthetic cheese,  and fries that are only good if you eat them within 6 minutes of getting them,  but it’s all worth it because you want that toy.  Then you get your food,  you open the bag and…..its a doll.   They are out of boy toys.   You’re crushed, and in spite of feeding you McDonald’s your parent cares so they hit up another McDonald’s and again,  it’s just not that toy.   Mom is in a good mood so she tries two more McDonald’s.   She has spent $20 of which you could’ve just went to a toy Store and got a better quality toy. But now it’s principalities  Smokey, you want that damn happy meal toy.   Essentially, that’s my dating life in a nutshell,  I want one thing… But it’s the other thing.  

It’s the age old story,  iight looking bachelor just wanna run thru everything until the right one comes along.   I’m not even interested in the wrong anymore,  I can’t turn my brain off enough to enjoy the ride while it lasts because I know in the back of my mind this road leads nowhere.   It’s frustrating really,  I have a surplus of what I don’t want.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t want it even though it’s convenient.

Long distance relationships,  flings with exes, relationships that are well past their expiration date, friends with benefits, to me those are conveniences. They scratch an itch but have no hope of long term sustainability. I can say now that there isn’t a single woman I’m entertaining that actually has a chance with me.  That sounds cruel and pretty damn arrogant, but it’s a harsh reality.   I’m probably not moving unless it’s for work,  I wouldn’t want the obligation of having someone move for me.   I don’t think there’s one who got away,  my relationships ended for good reason.  Yet it’s the convenient relationship is alluring for however long you can suspend disbelief.  It feels good to have a bae to talk to every day, feels good to be wanted, feels good to have a +1 in bedroom shenanigans.  You tell yourself that the right one is en route and in the meantime, well,  you gotta get these shots off,  but what happens if you missed your cue because you’re distracted by this frail shit?  Perhaps a Saturday is better spent out alone than home with whomever.   

Also,  it’s manipulative. I’m not interested,  I’m bored, and while I’m doing myself a disservice, I’m doing them one as well.   Sure,  I can communicate that this is going nowhere and they shouldn’t wait on me but then dating sucks and they end up waiting on me.  (For real,  just pushing the hell out the door that says pull,  like, it never fails, tell someone you’re not looking for a relationship they say me too then proceed to be in a relationship with you without asking, don’t do that; it’s rude).  In this plot twist, they too are just in this for convenience, they know it isn’t going anywhere but they are able to turn their brain off and enjoy the ride.    

I’m making it a point to be better at passing up what’s convenient, if I want what I say I want my actions should reflect it.   Might need to make some roster cuts and learn how to be single,  like single single.  Or this post will be all for naught and I end up with a summer fling.  I’m only human. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BAELESS

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Basically.

So I’m single. Like single single.  No dates, no boos, no baes, no nah means, no ol girl, no new cast and characters, no prospects, no hey strangers.  For probably the first time in years, I spent Valentine’s weekend alone; sipping Honey Jack (rare because I typically don’t drink at home), playing PS4 and watching All Star Weekend.  Don’t cry for me Argentina, its been a refreshing couple months, working on me before I dare venture back out in the treacherous conditions that is dating in the twentyteens.  As much as I’ve spoken to hating dating, the motions of “what kinda girls you like?” “My ex did this that and the third” “you only text me 2 word answers, is something wrong” BLEH.  But I’m a serial monogamist, a romantic, a courter, I’m not fit for this life of not knowing the next time I can get a shot off.  There’s probably some deep rooted issue that I hate being alone but I didnt see it on WebMD.  So what do you do when you hate being single and hate dating (You meet a girl, who is attractive but you’re not all that into, she thinks you’re the most amazing guy ever and you date for 8 weeks, but then you want to be a nice guy so 8 becomes 16. Then she says she loves you so you can’t leave, you carry on playing Prince Charming until she slips up and now you have a reason to leave and its her “fault”, she tries to win you back to no avail but you still smash from time to time because you’re a terrible person.  You’re much less contemptible now but for past transgressions  karma came through and crushed the buildings now you’re spending Valentines with flavored whiskey and Brady. #LifeComesAtYouFast). It’s like the struggle of going to work and looking for work.  Left between peeling yourself out of bed and going to work, and getting up skimming job boards and going on interviews, well, time for work. 

As I prepare to hopefully leave singledom alone for the last time (well in this day and age I can deduce I’m probably 2 relationships away from the woman I’ll end up marrying.). There’s some lessons I’ve learned for the 9-9 and the 2015 that I must remember…

Its okay to be picky- The thing is when you’re single, every one suddenly got some homegirl, bad built cousin or coworker they think would be perfect for you.  If you decline at any point, you’re picky or you just want to be a playa some more.  I’m young, employed and still have a hairline I rebuke thee scraps.

Assume you’re not the only one- Something you learn when you have nobody is that that’s actually rare; there’s always someone waiting in the wings, shooting their shot.  Save yourself the headache. 

Stay off Facebook; it’s just a bunch of engagements & pregnancies- 9 of my friends proposed over the past month. Nine. And all the stories were like back to back on my news feed, fuck you Zuckerburg, go have a kid that will become a Superhero/CEO after you die when he’s 8 because comic books said that’s what always happens. 

Your ex still ain’t shit- You’re single, they’re single, you have pleasant conversations about the good times and where you went wrong.  You think hmm, who knows me better than this person, why not give it a new round. Resist this urge.  They still ain’t shit.

No one respects your free time-
yo what you getting into tonight”
“just chilling with _____”
“something something whipped, iight yo”

“yo what you getting into tonight”
“Nothing just at the crib”
“Get dressed we about to go see whats up with these chicks like 90 minutes away one of them look like Rihanna she a lil chubbier”
“Im good I’m just chilling”
“Stop being a bitch just come out, we on our way to your crib”

Patience isn’t a virtue- One thing I learned that a lot of “friends” I had when I was seeing someone were really just waiting their turn like Drake and Nicki.  Its odd.

Dating websites just aren’t for me- One night out of curiosity I made an account on I think it was OKCupid, i don’t remember.  I answer the questions, write an amazing profile and before I upload a picture, I skim through my matches…….. Ex, my boys BM, girl I hooked up with in college, a plethora of white women who I don’t think liked me, another ex, some obvious catfish, a cousin, another girl i used to mess with….the dating pool is too shallow.

The World hasn’t ended- I enjoyed my weekend alone, I haven’t got to point where I’m just being pitied yet, I can say and do what I want without hurting someone’s feelings.  At this point, I’m just chilling with an eye out in case I left someone but not looking for just, anyone. If that makes sense.

SFW is much more interesting when I have stories to share- So, you know, stay tuned and what not.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNICORN

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I’m one of those guys who are attracted to quirks.  Of course, I’m attracted to physical features as much as the next guy, but I’m far more likely to talk to the woman with the bomb perfume on than the one with v neck.  I’ll talk to the woman reading a book before a woman on her smartphone.  If I’m at the bar, I’ll probably talk to girl with an exotic drink than the one with cranberry and vodka.    There’s no rhyme or reason to one being superior to the other but different catches my attention.  (#wellactually all these women approached would have things I can use as an icebreaker, but that’s not the point I’m making).  Different is interesting.  Different gets noticed.  Or maybe I just bore easily….shrug life.

So anyway, I got a reader email, and it was the usual, I’m attractive, I’m employed, I’m respectful, but I’m unchose.  Now the curious case of single sucessful black woman is well documented.  Usually from the extremes, the women point the finger at men, the men point the finger right back at them.  Personally, I don’t believe in “hookup culture” no matter how many homely looking, introverted women write about it on Thought Catalog (that felt mean, I’m sorry) or that every dude suffers from some Peter Pan syndrome.  I also don’t believe that women are too independent, too churchy, or too angry.   Really, I think the reason so many great catches are single is because, well there’s so many great catches.  As the reader went on to describe herself, she sounded like 12 other people I know, so the real question was

What separates YOU from the 1000s of other beautiful, successful women in your area? 

Plenty of pretty women cook, are open and vocal about their sexuality, like sports, play video games, don’t mind men who let themselves go, allegedly low maintenance, are hopeless romantics, don’t get jealous, don’t like to club, etc the types of things that supposedly make them “unicorns” are fairly commonplace now, to the point you probably can say men are spoiled by it.  So how does one stand out in a sea of eligible bachelorettes?  Going back to my original point….just be different.  Embrace what makes you weird.  Never know who finds it adorable. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… OH

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Its a couple years back, I’m at like a Macy’s with my boy, he’s going off about some chick he’s dating.  I make some joke about how latinas be keeping box cutter blades in their cleavage

“I thought it was the mouth”

We turn around, it’s two women, one white and one of Hispanic descent. 

“Where do you keep yours”

“Keep making jokes you’ll find out”

This isn’t the story about how I got sliced up in a department store rather how I met…I think I named her CC in an earlier post. (this is #210 i forget things).  So yada yada yada, I’m dating/talking to CC now…

…or so I thought.

We texted frequently, went out on dates, slept with each other, but one day I look on Facebook and she’s hugged up with another man.

Oh.

Well that’s interesting.  Of course, I inquire about this guy and how he hasn’t come up in our conversations, she explains he’s someone she talks to, like me, but he ain’t her man either so keep calm and come thru later.  That night I’m on my way home from her crib (don’t judge me, judge your auntie) a bit confused about what I been doing the past few months?  You mean I was single this whole time?  Throw on that Mark Morrison, its the Return of the Mack.

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Well not really, ain’t nobody want my ass.  But I did start seeing other people outside of CC; took a page out of her book, I’m single until clearly stated otherwise.  One day I was out with I think it was “Ms Wit”, I get a text from “Her”, she heard through the grapevine I was at the mall with some chick #streetsiswatching.  I tell her that her intel is correct, last I checked I was single so she needn’t fret.

Oh.

Oh; that realization that in spite of all the sweet nothings and assumed loyalty, they are not yours until you explicitly state so.  The realization sets at different times, some more often than others, in my examples it was stated rather bluntly but more commonly, it comes when they are claimed by someone else while you was asleep at the wheel.  Its the dark side of tolerationships, situationships, frielationships and any other term for gray area dating.  Relationships aren’t defined by feelings, they are by expectations. I could care about you, even love you but you’re not mine and I’m not yours until we talk that talk. 

The gray area is convenient, in an era of increased technology and ways to communicate you don’t realize how many hours you’re investing in someone who isn’t and possibly never will be yours.   I’ve got hit with a few “Ohs”. Entertaining myself cordial exes and boos and when something real comes along they have no need to play pretend with me anymore.   I can charge that to the game; if I liked it then I should’ve put a ring on it (c) B.G. Carter-Knowles, and I didn’t.  Maybe I didn’t want her as much as my ego is trying to convince me I do now…

Oh.

Plenty of times me and CC could’ve had a talk about what it was we were doing, neither of us was concerned.  Me and “Her” knew we reached our climax but we were equally petty so we kept sabotaging each other.  I look back on all the pseudo relationships I had and when I think about why they never took that next step, turns out I just didn’t want to.  I’ll get jealous, maybe a little hurt, but then the cognizance sets in that if I knew better, I’d do better, and I did nothing.

Oh.

-Stan-

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