I’m not the most religious person as much as I’m spiritual. I say prayers of gratitude, prayers for forgiveness, prayers for others, but seldom prayers for myself. Philippeans 2.3 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been homeless,
Maybe I don’t feel worthy? All the perils of the world, does He really need to bother with my life. Perhaps its not that I don’t feel worthy as much as I always feel I got this. That He would never give me anything I can’t handle. I would always joke God has a spam folder, filled with nonsensical prayers like passing a test, sports victories, R Kelly’s Gospel album and anything Eddie Long has to say. I would think I’m inbox worthy, I just want health and satisfaction, that’s slight work.
Maybe I don’t like feeling small– Prayer is humbling. Theres a cognitive dissonance in knowing that there is a power much greater than my own action and to my first point, feeling like “I got this”. There’s also the fact its easier to pray for others because its easier to see themselves as needing it than looking in the mirror and accepting that you yourself need that same compassion.
Maybe I don’t want to be disappointed– a little over 5 years ago, I left my mother and prayed that she would recover. She would pass the next morning and days later I would sit in a church and listen to how she’s somewhere far better than here. Why pray for good health when this world is only temporary anyway (like literally 100 years tops, climate change is a myth tho)
In spite of this I don’t feel its selfish to pray for self. We all need love, compassion, peace. I had a discussion with a friend and she made the point that Spirituality starts with self – if you yourself cannot humble yourself to God, you cannot really help others in the truest sense. Having compassion for yourself allows you to extend compassion to others. I’m blessed to be in a better position than others but that doesn’t exempt me from needing guidance and serenity that I hope for others. So, maybe I should work on that.