Tag Archives: selfish

Today’s Word is… PRAY


I’m not the most religious person as much as I’m spiritual.  I say prayers of gratitude, prayers for forgiveness, prayers for others, but seldom prayers for myself. Philippeans 2.3 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been depressed, yet and still I just don’t pray for myself.  And to be perfrctly honest, I don’t like to.

Maybe I don’t feel worthy? All the perils of the world, does He really need to bother with my life.  Perhaps its not that  I don’t feel worthy as much as I always feel I got this.  That He would never give me anything I can’t handle.  I would always joke God has a spam folder, filled with nonsensical prayers like passing a test, sports victories, R Kelly’s Gospel album and anything Eddie Long has to say.  I would think I’m inbox worthy, I just want health and satisfaction, that’s slight work.

Maybe I don’t like feeling smallPrayer is humbling.  Theres a cognitive dissonance in knowing that there is a power much greater than my own action and to my first point, feeling like “I got this”.  There’s also the fact its easier to pray for others because its easier to see themselves as needing it than looking in the mirror and accepting that you yourself need that same compassion. 

Maybe I don’t want to be disappointeda little over 5 years ago, I left my mother and prayed that she would recover.  She would pass the next morning and days later I would sit in a church and listen to how she’s somewhere far better than here.  Why pray for good health when this world is only temporary anyway (like literally 100 years tops, climate change is a myth tho)

In spite of this I don’t feel its selfish to pray for self.  We all need love, compassion, peace.  I had a discussion with a friend and she made the point that Spirituality starts with self – if you yourself cannot humble yourself to God, you cannot really help others in the truest sense. Having compassion for yourself allows you to extend compassion to others.  I’m blessed to be in a better position than others but that doesn’t exempt me from needing guidance and serenity that I hope for others.  So, maybe I should work on that.




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Today’s Word is… CHEATING

I was the other man before. A few times actually.  I basked in it, you mean all I have to do is flirt you up in your free time and have sex, I’m in (no pun intended).  I even had a brief moment where I only lusted after taken women. I felt above the boyfriend, I was her better option. I felt above her, she could never fully have me, so she was better off keeping her man and taking what I offered.  Some of their boyfriends sounded like good dudes, others not so much.  The women some were just spiteful, others really thought eventually I would be won over.  I cared neither way.  I was just young, naive, and starting to feel myself but above all selfish.

I cheated before. Once.  It was a molotov cocktail of being upset with my girlfriend, being drunk and having the love of my life at my doorstep at 2am.   In that one night of passion that almost changed both of our lives forever, I felt horrible.  I felt beneath my girlfriend, I spent months getting her to trust me only to prove even myself wrong in one night.  I felt beneath her, she offered forbidden fruit and I took it with ease.  I closed one book midway to pick up another I read before.  Plenty of things swirled my mind that ride home, how do I tell her, it wasn’t my best performance that night, really Pandora you going to play The-Dream “She Needs My Love“, but what took over was eventually the “why”.  I focused on that and used it to justify my behavior, and later the lying.  I wasn’t willing to accept the consequences of my actions, again, selfish.

Overall, that’s all cheating is.  I could list 10 reasons why men or women cheat (maybe later) but in reality it’s a selfish act no matter how you slice it.   As the word implies, you’re not playing fair,  be single or be committed to one person, the only two things on the menu.  (yeah I know there’s open relationships and things of that nature but I’m sticking to the basics here) They say men cheat because they can, women because they want, but in either gender the real issue is greed.  Women I was seeing were in relationships but for whatever reason weren’t being fulfilled, but rather than scrap it all and start fresh tried to accommodate as much as they could.  Her man didn’t appreciate her the way I did led her to believe, but he offered something I didn’t, a relationship. (I don’t date unfaithful women, #theirony).  So why not get the relationship she wants, but the perks I provide.  Greed.  In my cheating act, I knew despite of what happened that night, me and her weren’t headed anywhere, been there failed that. So why risk what I had already for something sure to lose, it’d be like betting on the New York Jets (shots shots…shots shot shots…shots).  Greed.

Just because.

It can all be so simple.  Be single and do what you do, can’t cheat if you’re playing with no rules.  However, that’s a risk few are willing to make, it’s like people are afraid of being single. They always need someone stashed away juuuuust in case.  However, that usually backfires, if you’re in a relationship for the wrong reason just a sprinkle of temptation will break you.    Aside from that one weak moment, I’ve never cheated because it’s easier to not be in a relationship than be in one you’re not sure of the girlfriend and temptation is flying at you fast and furiously.   I’ll take the risk of being alone than having to go home feeling the way I did that night.  I’m not built to cheat, I’m a shameless flirt but even then I will press the brakes (abruptly or so I’m told) if things go too far.  Karma would have me being cheated on (I don’t think I have, if I had to pick one it would be “Madame”) or I will walk in on my wife on day and have to go Mr. Biggs/R. Kelly on em (I pray I don’t).   I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to be betrayed like that.  Maybe that’s something I’ll explore tomorrow…how it feels to be cheated on.  Stay tuned.



Filed under Dating, Love, Relationships

Today’s Word is… SELFISH

*Editors Note: Since November is National Blog Posting Month i will attempt to right 30 posts in 30 days…as you know most of my posts are lengthier and i let it marinate for a day or two to let all my readers check it out so be sure to check daily as i will be posting fast and furiously this month…NaBloPoMo? challenge accepted*

I was the kid that hated sharing toys, I’m the man that never tells anyone where I got a shirt or hat from. Some would call me selfish, I wouldn’t. I simply look at things with an extreme amount of logic; there’s plenty of alternatives, so why do you want mine? I’m on the other hand a very generous person, I give all the money and time I can spare, but with other things not so much. Some things I hate to share but at what point does logic become selfishness? Is it ever okay to be even a little selfish?

Not long after my parents divorced my brother went to live with my father and at 9 years old, i learned the joy of having my own spot.  At 22 I took it a step further, my own apartment.  No parents, no RAs, no roommates, it was my fortress of solitude.  Until….i let my girlfriend move in, which im convinced killed us.  She saw the selfish (logical) side of me; it was cute when she would wear my shirts before but now you have a closet full of clothes, why touch my stuff?  I always gave her money before but now I’m putting a roof over her head and then some, where is your money going?  I bought plenty of food, why do you have to eat my green grapes?  She saw it as being selfish I saw it as being logical.

dont take me bro

In regards to dating, we all want our cake and eat it too, I mean isnt that the point of having cake?  While I’m not particularly ready for a relationship, I hate the idea of someone I care about being with someone else.  It’s selfish thinking but there’s nothing I can do, charge it to the game I suppose.  In this regard there’s no explainable logic; it’s no way to ask a woman to stay put while you figure out what you want to do.  At best you can do you and hope she’s there when you’re ready (i’m 0/3 so far), or simply be upset at something you are doing to yourself. I’ll admit selfishness here.

As far as money goes, I’m trying to be more selfish.  The logic as why not to is there but for some reason some people I can’t say no to.  In reality, its more for me than them, I like helping people, I like being the alpha.  I’ve given out my last $20 but they don’t know it was my last twenty.  My father, the richest broke man I know, he’s mastered the selfish logic, he’ll never say he doesnt have or can’t but he will break it down as to why you don’t deserve it.  Ask him for gas money with new J’s on, he’ll go all the way in.  I learned to stop asking him for things a long time ago and I’m a better person for it, or not and he’s just cheap.

Cheap dads. At least they’re not deadbeats

Way too much of my spare time is spent doing stuff I don’t want to do.  Yet someone always complaining I’m not making enough time for them.  I got to help a friend move later, I don’t want to. I hate moving, when I move I just might hire movers, its aggy.  I’m also designing a flyer for another, chilling with another and looking over some documents for a relative.  I’m probably not the first one that was asked, I wonder what everyone else’s excuse was.  It’s hard to logically think of a reason not to, at best I’ll be home bored anyway but maybe that’s just what I rather be doing.

I’m selfish and admittedly so. Selfish is defined as “concerned with ones own interests”, it’s given a negative connotation but who isn’t out for their own interests.  I got my own place to please me, bought green grapes to please me, i date to please me. However, I also help others to please me; to not do so would be called “selfish” but since it pleases me would doing so also be….selfish?  People use logic to validate selfishness as if being selfish is such a bad thing.  Some people just don’t see the whole picture so you have to break it down logically sometimes.  “She” didn’t understand that I don’t share grapes, “Ms.” didn’t understand why I’ll never be 100% comfortable of her being with someone else, I never understood why my father just wouldn’t give me the money, Readers don’t understand why I don’t just say no to people.  Selfish is the lesson, logic are the notes.



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