Tag Archives: safe

Today’s Word is… DOUBT

Or Safe III.  Whatever.

Its funny how trilogies always bring you back to the first one, no matter how epic the 2nd one is.  *Ahem* Dark Knight Rises.  As I write this I feel more closer to how I feel in August than a month ago.  Perhaps I should start to trust my gut more.  After all it was right about “Ms” and “She”.  However with “Miss” things are getting more interesting.  My gut has been telling me fall back for a while now but I keep finding myself in the same position.  How is one hardheaded with themselves, especially when they write their thoughts on a blog where they can clearly go back and see the things they told themselves not to to.  Okay I’m rambling.  Storytime.

Don’t Say You Will….unless you will

It was a while ago, Me and “She” had recently broken up. However, in an act of good faith or perhaps “boomeranging” we were still set to spend my birthday together.  She stood me up.  On my birthday. When I finally got through to her that night, she said its best if we don’t associate at all. On my birthday.  My birthday always sucks, maybe because it’s right before the summer, most people tend to shake off their cuffs at that time.  Its a couple days later, “She” wants to talk, I do her like she did me. On my birthday.  I go to dinner with “Miss”, we pull up at my apartment.  We’re talking and another car pulls up behind us, it’s “She”.  Awkward.   We leave like it’s not my fuggin house but honestly I didn’t want to even see her.   We laugh about it that night but the next day she’s pissed.  It wasn’t a good look at all for anyone involved.  But that night it was, funny how a good night sleep (or saying things out loud on a blog or to someone else) puts things in perspective.

Fast forward to about a week ago, I tell “Miss” how I felt.  Her response “I guess so, why not”.  It was good enough.  We talked through the night about us, our futures, even that awkward night.  I was happy.  Then I woke up the next day.  Did I really just pour my heart out and she respond like I asked did she want a refill?  Why am I not satisfied.  I wasn’t expecting her to run to my arms but what I just got…that wasn’t it.  Maybe she was just caught off guard.  Let me try again, “so what made you change your mind about me”.  “Nothing really”.  Again, not the answer I’m expecting.   Actually, I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Perhaps some validation that I’m more than convenient? That I’m not being settled on?  That I’m not in too deep already as you test the waters? Is this what insecurity is?  Is this whole post just going to be rhetorical questions? Let me reel it back.

Doubts are always going to exist in any potential or current relationship.  You never know exactly what’s going on in the others mind.  Being friends, maybe we know a bit more about one another than the regular suitor. We weren’t even read miranda rights but anything we said or did is being held against us. That awkward night is probably why she didn’t look at me as anything more until 2 days after I told her I was over her.  Her dating someone else in spite of my feelings, is why I’ll always feel some type of way.  Things we said as friends are constantly being referred to out of context (well not on my end, thats her steez).  I wouldn’t say its insecurity but in reality I think we both know better.  Well at least I do.  Maybe.  I think. My gut says so but I typically only listen when it’s hungry or full.

As she sings a different tune now but I can’t believe her.  I want to, but I can’t.  Its all in hindsight.  Everything about us screams boredom and convenience.  I waited months for a “sure why not”.  I’ve been that guy most of my life.  I’m over being Mr. Safe.  For real this time.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INSANE

Editors Note: Struggled to title this post, I was going with Today’s Word is (STILL) Safe,  Safe pt II ft Usher & Loon, Safe 2: Revenge of the Safe, S2FE, and then I changed it, but its still basically the remix baby…
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I got some picture messages from my friend (umm lets call her A, i’m out of names), nothing major just her. I have no clue why she sent them to me, especially when there’s instagram and facebook, maybe it was an accident. I play it conservatively.

“Check you out”

“Thanks, (her man) doesn’t like my hair like this”

+”Looks fine to me”

“Me too, he’s just been weird lately, nothing I do matters to him anymore”

“I’m sure you’re just overreacting, he adores you”

“Adored. Now I just don’t know…you find me attractive right”

Now she knows the answer to that question. I’m attracted to her but I see her as no more than a friend. She feels the same way about me.  We had an amicable split, if you could call it a split, we were friends got close and mutually decided “never mind”.  But every now and again, she tests the water wondering if maybe it warmed up a bit.  I said a while ago, I’m safe. Women never quite close the door on me but have little to no intention on opening it either.  I’m guilty of this as well, can’t honestly say with her but with others. Despite knowing how it ends I can’t help but go back and wonder if things are different now I have a little hindsight on my side. Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result or as Einstein defined it, insanity.  No Shaun T.  That’s it, I’m insane.  In Einstein’s sense (although i’m still skeptical about the quote, the internet isn’t always honest), not just with women but with a lot of things, I just keep expecting things to change when I know better.

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3 months past since the “Safe” post (which got me in way more trouble than I thought, now I see why I should’ve kept SoFW a secret). Quick recap, I’m still in the same position I was. Well at one point they were all gone but sure enough they’re back in some capacity, like I said the door never quite closes.  The real problem is why I’m still in the doorway, I know where me and “She” will lead…nowhere.  She’ll never trust me, I’ll never see things her way.  We differ on the importance of titles, we differ on where we would/should be at this point.  Yet she isn’t going anywhere, nor am I.  We’re each others safety nets but eventually we’ll both gain our balance and no longer need one.

Me and “Ms” just can’t seem to get things right, how we feel about each other is the only thing we seem to agree on.  I never realize how much she reminds me of “her”, we both know better but too stubborn to admit it.  We’ve argued about the same thing for 6 months now, it’s tedious, it’s annoying, and oddly enough it’s worth it.  When things are going well it almost makes up for all the bull that precedes.  It’s insanity at its finest.  One day she’ll take an L on an issue and remember she loves me, one day I’ll live up to her expectations.  One day, we will look back and say I told you so.  Either that we were right about each other all along or that we were so terribly wrong.

“Miss” I never went after. Possibly I will look back and regret not going for the kiss, not going over that night, being too nice, I doubt it.  With her it wasn’t about being safe, maybe for the first time I actually did something different.  I was going after every pretty face that showed interest.  I was doing too much.  I became a love junkie, capturing any and all hearts I could find not sure what to do with them afterwards.  I fell for “Miss” but enough that I had to be with her? No.

It was “A” all over again.  We didn’t like each other in that way but we just tried just to try.  It was a safe relationship, luckily we ended it before we got hurt.  Back to today, she knew how I would answer the question, she knew how she would respond, she read this book before but in a brief moment of insanity nearly opened it again.  In a brief moment of insanity I almost let her.  But came to my senses. Just in time.

-Stan-

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