Tag Archives: relationship

Today’s Word is… BENEFITS

So I was making my way downtown, faces pass and I’m home bound when I had happened upon this meme

getting tens of thousands of retweets and I was flummoxed. First, because since when was abuse a word to be used so flippantly (also is she wearing a wedding ring?). Furthermore, what is a relationship benefit exactly? And he can expect a lot of things what exactly happens if she doesn’t indulge, is he just gonna continue to not be with her? If he says he’s not ready for a relationship and you continue to act like that’s acceptable to you, who is really lying? What responsibility is it of the uninterested party to keep reminding them of that fact? (I’ve been that guy…when you do they hate it, “they know” they said, “we’re adults” they said). In reality, I’m not that damn serious, no one is that damn serious, and maybe just maybe “relationship benefits” is just something you wanted to do.

Relationships are nothing more than mutual agreements of responsibilities and expectations of one another. There’s no benefits package. You do things for (and to) people you like. Sometimes that happens to be your girlfriend, or maybe it’s just the girl you’re sleeping with, or have a crush on or a friend. You had sex with them because you wanted to. You were their date at the holiday party because you wanted to. You paid for dinner because you wanted to. You built that TV stand because you wanted to. You cooked for them because you wanted to. (I don’t know when cooking became a grander gesture than sex…or maybe we just too grown to be earning sex so I gotta love you before you have my short ribs). Entering relationships for said benefits is not how they should work and if you are doing that, expect to be solely disappointed. A committed, healthy relationship should never be something you leverage.

There’s a difference between leveraging and courting. A difference between men sold on the idea that if I pay for the date I expect sex and men who go on dates because they are genuinely trying to what she’s about. People who have casual sex because they just want to and those who are just acquiescing in the hopes it turns into something else. The way men lament about paying for dates on Twitter you would think they aren’t at the restaurant they probably chose themselves eating too. You aren’t “free food”, that’s another one of her followers who orders her UberEATS even though they’ve never met. If she agreed and went out with you, then you aren’t being used. (Unless it’s like date 3 or 4, she’s never asked to see you first nor has offered to pay. #knowyourworthKing). Going back to the meme, if he says he wasn’t looking for a relationship, you know that you are but continue to entertain him hoping to change his mind. You aren’t being manipulated; you’re manipulating. It’s just not working. Again, you aren’t doing things of your own free will, you’re leveraging. In both cases, rather than ask explicitly what you’re doing here, or state plainly what you’re looking for and get finality…but its easier to hide behind casual sex, fake friendship and cocktails and play a victim because your plan isn’t working. But they’re the misleading one. K.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ROMANTIC

So I had stumbled upon this article (don’t leave NOW, go back to it later…RUDE.) the other day about the idea of a “romantic booty call”. The writer, fresh off a breakup, is where we’ve all been. Not really looking to get back out there but not quite used to going extended periods without sex. So you venture out into the dating world which might as well be the Upside Down from Stranger Things. The writer has an “epiphany” of sorts, that when she tells men that she’s a romantic, they simply don’t know how to process it so they assume she’s looking for love and they default to the tried and true method of lowering her expectations. Jokes on them, she’s just in this for the sex. She could just say that but it’s easier to make them squirm. (#DontDateWriters). As she puts it, “women live such multidimensional lives with a huge range of interests, ambitions, and opportunities at our fingertips — casual lovers included.” Basically, you ain’t got to lie to kick it.

Last year (damn time flies), I touched on casual sex and my struggles with it. Ironically, it was the same thing that she’s lamenting, (it’s almost like men aren’t just horny cavemen who are confused by nuance) the struggle of being a romantic but not wanting a relationship can be real tho. We can sleep together, have a great time with each other, kiss and say we love each other but the reality is, the reason we ain’t actually together is because at least one of us doesn’t want to be. But saying you’re just good enough to sleep with is cruel to say out loud and so we play verbal gymnastics. Speaking personally, I’m someone who takes my relationships very seriously; and so, if I don’t see a long term future I adjust accordingly. However, that reality of “I want you but I don’t WANT you” is a tough pill for one to swallow.

With that the idea of a “romantic booty call” sounds ideal, all of the relationship perks with none of the baggage, that’s the dream right? There’s a lot of middle ground between “dick appointment” and “boyfriend”. Hooking up with random people gets old by 23…you want familiarity and consistency (and worry free annual physicals). So does having a new bae every 3 months because you enjoy each other’s company and that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

Can the romantic booty call work? Yes…but only temporarily. No one is going to just be around forever. No one wants to just be around forever. “I’m not looking for a relationship” guy is going to find someone else eventually, your FWB is going to take that job out of town because who is staying around for a “friend”, his wife is eventually going to find out. All good things come to an end, B. At least the way I see it, perhaps there’s a society of people who simply don’t believe in relationships, but are down to do romantic things platonically I’m simply not privy to. Or an even more novel idea, just stop treating sexual partners like shit as a means to establish boundaries and there’d be no need to romanticize the fwb who actually let’s you spend the night in the first place.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… READY

 

I never really believed in being “ready” for a relationship.  What was there to be ready for?  You want me or you don’t. Find someone you like,  be with that person, fin. To me, not yet means not you.  I can look back at the times when I was “working on me” or “needed time” and honestly say it was just never going to be them. (Sorry)   I know myself, and I know I’m not that selfless to pass up on someone special to work on me.  Someone “cool”? Probably. Even now, I could say I’m chilling on the dating front…the right person comes along and I’ll jump right off that cliff.  I don’t know no better. It’s the flaw of the romantic; to go with the possibility, the potential, the idea that you can go through it together. It’s sweet, but admittedly naive.  Life isn’t like the movies. 

In the romantic comedy,  the jaded, heartbroken career person gets pressured by their best friend to go on the date in the first place, they are charmed by the person, then they screw it up because jaded and heartbroken, and then they realize the error of their ways, and it’s happily ever after.  In real life, someone tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship, you try tirelessly to win them over to no avail, at best y’all are sleeping together, at worst you’re just “a friend”.  It cuts you like a knife, that they can’t see that this can be their forever but you also can’t bring yourself to leave because they make you happy. You’ve convinced yourself that one day your efforts will be rewarded, but they never are. You get fed up.  You call them out, you talk about everything you do for them…they will retort tell you they never asked you to.  You’ll be checkmated because they are absolutely right.   

Like the Great Auntie Maya says, When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  They tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them.  They change their mind…well… I’m torn.  My gut would say don’t; they had a chance and passed, now for all you know someone they DID want curved them and here they is coming back to you.  Keep your heart, 3 stacks.  My head would say, good… now make her earn YOU.  But I’m working on being a better person in 2017. My heart would say, this is still the person who made you excited about what’s possible again.  Yes, they are late to them the party but they arrived nonetheless.  
A lesson I’m still learning: everyone just won’t see things my way. (The world would be so much better if they did, instead we have Bigots in Chief and people still eating bland blood colored chocolate and calling it “velvet”).  As someone who knows what he wants the second he sees it, I can’t take it (too) personally when someone may just be too busy with work, or needs to work on themselves first, has their reservations, or kinda hates men at the moment.  That sometimes people just aren’t with trying to fix things on the fly.  (Inefficient, really…but I digress). So while for me, “not ready for a relationship” is a soft curve but for others it can mean just that.  Next thing you know you gonna tell me dogs actually eat homework.  

Pursuer privilege is also a factor here. If I’m not ready for a relationship, I can simply stop dating, stop entertaining, just chill.  I don’t really have to worry about someone coming along who is everything I want and having to really assess if I’m ready to do this. (Because women I’m don’t/shouldn’t shoot shots…but that’s another post).  For me to pursue someone on my own accord and then say I’m not ready.  It’s not me, it’s them.  Even if maybe I pursued them and they just went 0-60 with it, again…not my actual readiness for a relationship it’s my readiness for theirs. Saying I’m not ready, just sounds cleaner…and after I leave y’all this game don’t say I never gave you nothing:

(If they actually didn’t know what they wanted, they wouldn’t be shopping in the first place.)
Happy New Year. 

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… SLEEP

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“So what you up to”

“Just out with the ladies, actually around your neck of the woods….”

“How about you”

“I’m just home, chilling watching a movie”

“You gonna be busy later”

“Doubt it, why”

“I was gonna stop by…”

Now at this point I’m hitting my dougie, sprucing up the crib, the usual houseguest protocol.  She said she was gonna slide off a lil early be there round 1. I finish my movie, watching something on TV, its about 1:25, no biggity no doubt, I call her she like yada yada yada she still coming, ok cool.  I look at the clock its about 6 am, 5 missed calls, 4 knocks on the door, 3 question marks, 2 expletives and one pissed off salted shorty. Apparently, I dozed off….at 1:28.  I literally hung up and I was down for the count, lights out ninjaaaa.  I then knew what I had to do….go back to sleep its only 6am yo.

You see, I’m about my sleep.  I don’t have children yet, I’m not in college anymore, there’s literally no legit reason for me not to get my 7-8 hours.  I never been a big napper, I can’t see myself just sleeping in the middle of the day for no reason unless I’m sick.  I rather have a full nights sleep. Friends and family will joke call me grandpa, whatever let me rest.  I’m not the boyfriend who is about to sit up in bed arguing, I’ll get back to you on the next business day. (okay this is like 7% effective, cuz women)  I can’t rock with those “grinders” who swear insomnia will make them rich, Lord willing, the world will be there to conquer tomorrow but for now I’m gon throw some Z’s on this bitch.

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We’re a hyperactive society.  The CDC says about 41 million Americans get about 6 hours of sleep, that’s 13% of the country (pretty sure that’s correct, too lazy to research, this is the internet just take my word for it).  We’re overcaffeinated and underrested.  Not to get on a soapbox about health because, well I’m far from the hero Gotham needs in that department but its interesting that we go so far to avoid something so simple and benefitial to us.  There’s plenty of reasons people just don’t sleep but a lot of it comes down to stress and distractions; two things I actively try to avoid in my life.

I’m the dude who will turn off my phone mid fight, I’m adament in not investing more than 40 hours in a company and a brand that is not my own, my bills and rent are set on automatic, and any other concerns going to be there tomorrow anyway, so why lose sleep over them tonight.  Of course this is all easier said than done; sometimes that subliminal post touches a nerve, she’s actually there and you cant ignore her, or you cant be laissez faire on an issue and have to get it done, or you’re just really drunk and cant sleep.

They say nothing good happens after a certain time of night.  They be lying tho.  I’ve missed my fair share of moments like #thelob, a few stories I can’t repeat, and times I’ve broken my self assigned bedtime and it was well worth it (other times not so much).  I don’t always remember my dreams but I enjoy them (and be having deja vus out the ass, maybe I’m a medium or something) but I never wake up with a regret over what I potentially missed.   It’ll be waiting for me tomorrow, and knock on wood I’ll be there as well; but in the meantime, let a nigga sleep!

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CLOSURE

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Why is closure so annoying?  It’s the YouTube ad of life.  One last, I just need you to know this even though it won’t change anything but I kinda need you to ride along on this guilt trip me, cuz reasons.    It’s tantalizing…you want to believe being simply apart would be enough for them to reflect, learn and grow….but we’re too impatient, you gon get these words.   It’s a hail mary because no matter how heartfelt you think your parting words are, if they don’t give a fuck then….welp.  Some people aren’t ever going to be accountable, some people just were never that into you and some are probably showing their friends what you said and laughing at you. Pro Tip: Opt for the phone call/lunch if you can; screenshots are…

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I’ve been on both sides. I’ve gotten letters, emails, epic texts, crying videos, voicemails, Adele “All I Ask” propositions, awkward public declarations (I know there’s one that’s long overdue, maybe it never happens but I’m assuming it does)….and to be fair I’ve gotten off some Dear Jane letters myself.  In fact, since we folk and all this is an excerpt from one I did…

I just wanted to get this off my chest…the one thing that separated you from just about everyone else in my life was that we had always had this amazing connection.  I felt I could tell you anything and now I’m writing an email hoping you maybe would read it.  As you know I struggle to find people to open up to and it breaks my heart as you became yet another reason why…

She ain’t care.  No one ever does.  (She did come back eventually because they always do, and she even blames said letter for pushing her farther away).  It’s counterintuitive; because clearly your feelings weren’t be acknowledged prior and more often than not, your thinkpiece on this failed relationship/hookup/imaginationship is not going to change anything.  Imagine if the Declaration of Independence was just a “I find it funny how we are being taxed…”, we’d still be on some ol God Save The Queen.  They know your feelings, they were there, (they dont want you to win), they didn’t care then, probably won’t now. MY HURT WILL BE HEARD, no it won’t.

Now closure isn’t the same as a fight for your relationship, it isn’t a selfless act to show how much you care…it’s a selfish desire that you don’t actually need for your healing process.  A desire to end things on your terms, a desire to win one last argument, a desire to get the power back.  Does it suck that they were able to assess the situation, make a decision, make peace with it and move on? Yes. Are breakups/curves/elucidations ever from nowhere? No. (Ol girl I wrote the letter to did just change up out of the blue, cuz this is my blog and I’m always right)

That’s not to say that properly executed closure isn’t helpful.  I’ve had productive conversations with people but really the best closure is the one you can find yourself.   Hell, this blog has be able to think objectively and make peace with situations before I write a four page letter and I enclose it with a diss.  Some questions are better left unanswered, or if you’re so pressed to have one, blame their upbringing, astrological sign, their big forehead, their nationality (no wypeepo, you can’t play with that one), mercury in retro greys, have fun with it (I’ve sworn off Libras, LDRs, Deltas, women under 24, vegans, smokers, writers and ends in -sha) ….then you can take a step back, reflect objectively, lick your wounds and move on.  So if you are planning to write that why won’t you love me thinkpiece…
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Don’t. *beat drops*

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… STABILITY

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I fell in love with my best friend.  The transition was seamless (well except the whole I was with someone else, who wasn’t really the one, kinda cold,  a little too pragmatic you know real romantic comedy-esque).  So that first ex reached out cuz #heystrangerseason and we went out to catch up (cuz bored) . She’s doing alright for herself as I always expected. She does the whole are you still with ol girl thing, I tell her no, I ask how’s her life these days she’s like oh I been seeing someone for a few YEARS. Years B.  Ironically enough he’s kinda cold, a little too pragmatic and so she wonders about what if she was just able to soften up a little would we had worked.  (We wouldn’t) I don’t even know if I am that romantic sap anymore anyway.   I have no regrets, I would go back and make that decision every time.  It was interesting to see myself through her eyes because I see myself through her now.   I am a little colder, a bit more of a pragmatist; however it suits me more in my mid 20s than it did her in college… It wasn’t until I wrote this out that I remembered she was like 5 years older than me.  Just ruined my whole premise. I think I can still make this work.  Let’s just backtrack a bit… (oh and she picked up the check… Cuz years, B)

I fell in love with my best friend.  The transition was seamless, we went from friends to my nephew drawing her in the family pictures, apparently he knew before I did.  They say all you need is love and all that and for a while I was right there with it, but ultimately what did us in was I valued stability more than I realized.  Wanting stability gets a bad rep, have nots like to standard shame and flip the narrative from wanting someone who has their shit together to I ain’t saying she a gold digger.  Love conquers all sounds good but even Martin and Gina didn’t flourish until Martin got his shit together.   There’s only so much cuddling and forehead kisses can do when an otherwise unhappy life awaits us outside of the bedroom.  Giving your all to better the one you love only to look back and realize they’re the same person they’ve always been and all that work was over compensating for the fact that you knew better.  When I say I need someone stable, I don’t even mean just financially but rather…. Is you happy?  

We’re guilted into this idea that love is adversity, it’s a grind, weather the storm to see the sun on the other side.  Get in on this potential, I might maybe could work out.  Be that 6th, 9th and 17th view on his YouTube video, he overdosed in a brothel go get your man Khloe, sure she can’t keep a job, quits everything she tries and spent thousands of your dollars on Lord knows what… P.O.P hold it down.  Thats not to say, abandon these people; just you have some things on your plate, handle your business…I’ll be over here in the friend zone.  (Until that blows up because we’re so entitled that how dare someone care about you and not want to be with you). 

Love is an investment, and like any investment it can pay off or blow up in your face.  I’m sure I could Google a story about a couple that slept in a car together and now they’re millionaires, good for them, but for every one of them there’s about plenty more wondering I can’t believe I slept in a car for this muhfugga.  I’m not that brave anymore, I don’t need perfect but I do want…stable, together, we can contribute to make each other’s lives better.  Of course, this could all be null and void because with my luck I’ll probably fall for a grad student who still reeling from a bad breakup because God be trolling like that. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CONVENIENT

So it’s been a long time, shouldn’t left you.  I been busy with work,  life, moonlighting over at Verysmartbrothas…and writer’s block is a bitch. With halitosis.  So anyway,  can I rant for a minute… Of course I can, this my house. 

Remember how when you were a kid and you would be amped about a Happy Meal toy you saw in the commercial,  so amped you would want some damn McDonald’s.  You were even prepared for the “you got McDonald’s money” line, cause you had McDonald’s money,  that’s how hype you were for that toy, you dancing in the car,  ready for all 850 calories of horsemeat, synthetic cheese,  and fries that are only good if you eat them within 6 minutes of getting them,  but it’s all worth it because you want that toy.  Then you get your food,  you open the bag and…..its a doll.   They are out of boy toys.   You’re crushed, and in spite of feeding you McDonald’s your parent cares so they hit up another McDonald’s and again,  it’s just not that toy.   Mom is in a good mood so she tries two more McDonald’s.   She has spent $20 of which you could’ve just went to a toy Store and got a better quality toy. But now it’s principalities  Smokey, you want that damn happy meal toy.   Essentially, that’s my dating life in a nutshell,  I want one thing… But it’s the other thing.  

It’s the age old story,  iight looking bachelor just wanna run thru everything until the right one comes along.   I’m not even interested in the wrong anymore,  I can’t turn my brain off enough to enjoy the ride while it lasts because I know in the back of my mind this road leads nowhere.   It’s frustrating really,  I have a surplus of what I don’t want.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t want it even though it’s convenient.

Long distance relationships,  flings with exes, relationships that are well past their expiration date, friends with benefits, to me those are conveniences. They scratch an itch but have no hope of long term sustainability. I can say now that there isn’t a single woman I’m entertaining that actually has a chance with me.  That sounds cruel and pretty damn arrogant, but it’s a harsh reality.   I’m probably not moving unless it’s for work,  I wouldn’t want the obligation of having someone move for me.   I don’t think there’s one who got away,  my relationships ended for good reason.  Yet it’s the convenient relationship is alluring for however long you can suspend disbelief.  It feels good to have a bae to talk to every day, feels good to be wanted, feels good to have a +1 in bedroom shenanigans.  You tell yourself that the right one is en route and in the meantime, well,  you gotta get these shots off,  but what happens if you missed your cue because you’re distracted by this frail shit?  Perhaps a Saturday is better spent out alone than home with whomever.   

Also,  it’s manipulative. I’m not interested,  I’m bored, and while I’m doing myself a disservice, I’m doing them one as well.   Sure,  I can communicate that this is going nowhere and they shouldn’t wait on me but then dating sucks and they end up waiting on me.  (For real,  just pushing the hell out the door that says pull,  like, it never fails, tell someone you’re not looking for a relationship they say me too then proceed to be in a relationship with you without asking, don’t do that; it’s rude).  In this plot twist, they too are just in this for convenience, they know it isn’t going anywhere but they are able to turn their brain off and enjoy the ride.    

I’m making it a point to be better at passing up what’s convenient, if I want what I say I want my actions should reflect it.   Might need to make some roster cuts and learn how to be single,  like single single.  Or this post will be all for naught and I end up with a summer fling.  I’m only human. 

-Stan-

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