Tag Archives: rejection

Today’s Word is… CASUAL

So let’s talk about sex (barely.)  I’m not necessarily a big fan of casual hookups; an arrangement that is intended for convenience is actually full of rules and regulations because lord forbid someone catches feelings.  Everyone has their own method to keep them feels away, no kissing, don’t call before a certain time, no spending the night, no cuddling, no eye contact…for all this effort to feel detached why not just leave money on the nightstand. (Oh yeah, laws and shit). I’m the worst kinda casual hookup, I like affection, going out, and what’s otherwise deemed “relationship shit” while also maintaining the consistency that is not wanting your ass. Essentially,  I’m a Gemini. I recently learned that people have clear distinctions between a jump off, fuckbuddy, and friends with benefits while I never really saw the point in creating an upper single class.  To me it’s still rejection; “I only like you enough to sleep with”.  It’s the inconvenient truth behind casual hookups. *whispers*  You are either sleeping with someone who isn’t what you want or you aren’t what they want. 

*Funk Flex bombs*

For whatever reason or several, it just ain’t on that relationship trajectory and so you’re just enjoying the Netflix and chill. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, just call it what it is.  Some people can keep that arrangement happily for years, most can’t. (Debate your cat). Way back when, my coping mechanism was denial.  I reveled in it for a while, psssh unattached sex? Bet.  Like that time I met this girl at this frat party…

…and it turned out they were a couple. Anyway, even the come thru dude is eventually going to wonder why y’all can’t at least grab dinner sometime, or feel a type of way about the way you said you could NEVER date someone like them.  Its not necessarily “catching feelings” as much as it’s just “damn, that’s how you see me?”

It’s common practice for the less invested party to deflect, like in that TheNeighborsSoiree and Drake Come and See Me song; the girl is like, can you not just call me drunk late at night to come thru, act like you have some couth. They proceeded to make her valid concern into a catchy hook like yo she tripping. It was a truth I had to face with someone, that it wasn’t poor timing or the past…it was just never going to be her.  She didn’t “catch feelings” for me, she recognized her place in my life and dipped out.  I wish her well.  I would’ve done the same roles reversed (or at least waited until I met someone cuz who really tryna be quitting jobs without another lined up…but God is still working on me).  

So what did we learn here?  Casual sex is great!!! (Provided don’t catch feelings, manage expectations, and have little to no desire to pursue an exclusive relationship) …or at the very least just lie to yourself.  It’s human nature to get attached to people you’re smashing as well as the resentment that comes when you are attachment to someone who isn’t yours.  Yet it’s hipper to pretend we don’t care about these things.  (Yes, millenial girl with the septum piercing I know YOU’RE the exception you love to hook up with guys and you never feel a thing, you’re awesome).  It could be so much simpler if we would all just stay single, stick to our standards, and not entertain or smash anyone we aren’t serious about….

I hate it here.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNREQUITED

I believe those ghost hunters shows are full of shit.  I believe Adnan did it. I believe we aren’t alone in the Universe.  I believe Jay Z really cheated.  I don’t believe unrequited love is really love.  Perhaps I’m a love purist, I believe love starts at reciprocity.  I don’t believe that you can truly love someone whonever loved you back, that it’s longing, its projection, its not love.  Maybe that’s the INFJ in me, I require balance, returned affection,  shared energy or I shut down.  I can’t see myself tirelessly trying to make fetch happen and getting nothing in return.  I was having this conversation with a friend who disagreed vehemently.  Who was I to discount someone’s feelings? It’s arrogance.  I guess….but I’m not so much dismissing feelings as much as I’m wondering aloud, what are you loving?  

I’ve been on both sides of this coin, piner and pinee…truthfully I don’t know which is worse. (Piner is worse)  For most of my early life my “love” was unreturned, I fell hard and fast for anyone who paid me any mind.  I said I love you because it felt like what you were supposed to do, I got curved and you couldn’t tell me Lenny Williams and I wasn’t feeling the same pain.  Except, he was literally losing his world and I barely knew this girl.  He reminiscing the kisses, the moments, the love and I was really really sure I maybe might could like her.  It was practically the same thing. All curves matter yo.  You couldn’t tell me my pain wasn’t real…eventually I could tho.  I can look back and say I was doing the most. Rejection sucks, but I didn’t love those women.  I didn’t know them enough to love them, they didn’t know me enough to love me. 

As the pinee, it’s…awkward.  Sometimes I even wish I could return the feelings just because I hate uncomfortable situations.  I can admit I was a little naive in the past, I flirted, I teased completely oblivious to the feelings my actions my engender.  Sometimes I just assume they know better than to actually shoot their shot.  But feelings gon feel I suppose. Nevertheless,it still wasn’t love they felt.  They never seen me in a romantic light to love me.  Ask them why they love me and its all about possibles and singing if weeeeeeee like Jeremih. Full disclosure,  I’m awesome, but all they know is what seems like a really good idea.  Which is all well and good but…still not love.  Especially when all I’m giving in return is jokes and the occasional compliment.  I don’t even deserve it, really. How did we get here?

So what do you call these unreturned, projected feels? Is unrequited love already considered a lower quality of love so much so we can let them sit with us?  Nigga, I guess.  Love is beautiful, magical, freeing…yet these days its so commonly associated with hurt and heartbreak.  Unrequited jawns feel their love is the same because the hurt hurts but if you’ve never felt the high that mutual healthy love has given you…you doing it wrong. Stressing about exes you never dated, loving people who never earned it. Y’all got it.  Maybe I’m splitting hairs here. Unrequited love can come to the cookout. Better bring ice and foil at least.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PROCLIVITY

[Editors Note: A quick peek into my creative process

*New Post*

Today’s word is… TYPE

Damn I did that already, maybe a repost with added commentary? 

*reads*

Nah, wouldn’t fit.  I guess this is more on preferences

lToday’s Word is… PREFERENCE (D’OH!)

How about proclivity, if I’ve done this one before I swear Today’s Word will be End and I’ll quit only got like 3 readers anyway…

Nope never did proclivity.

Wait, am I using that word right?  Of course I am.

*googles to make sure*

Ooh I like how penchant sounds better…maybe I should flip a coin to decide. (I never carry change)

*downloads coin flip app*

Okay now I’m just stalling…wait, what was I writing about?

Writers. We’re all weird.

Now to our feature presentation…]

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So I don’t go no type.  Bad bitches is the only thing that I like.  Skinny, plenty, black, white, I date who I’m interested in and who’s available at the time.  So I was talking to a friend about a crush of hers and how she felt she had a good shot because his ex wasn’t overly attractive.  I found this development interesting because had she never seen her she would likely be intimidated because she would assume he was into, well, not her.  It’s a normal fear that comes with any hey booing, you never know what they like and if you qualify.  However, seeing an actual representation of someone they would date and presumably find attractive, there you actually have someone to compare yourself to. It was interesting to hear this come from a woman and if this was common, the idea that you would be more attracted to someone based on their type. 

As someone who occasionally has thought themselves out of approaching someone, I wonder if I would be more or less inclined, even subconsciously, to approach that same person if they dated someone who looked like Gucci Mane.  Would I be turned off or would self assurance kick in like ” psssh, I can do that”.  What if her ex was like Idris Songz (or whomever y’all man crush Mondays be these days) would I still be filled with that same bravado?  Probably. I’m fly.  Seriously, I would like to think I’ve  never self disqualified; I’d like to think most people are as random as I am with preferences.  Honestly, I find it odd when someone has a strict “type” it just comes off as fetishized and dehumanizing  (see: white women who make it a point to note that all they’ve ever liked was black guys, black guys who are all about latinas and can’t tell the difference between Puerto Rican and Salvadoran).

Enter social media, where you don’t even have to try and project what their interests are and who they be with, you can just see it for yourself.  Your “competition” for lack of a better word is right there.  Every ex, bae, boo or suitor in a scouting report curated by Mark Zuckerburg and the good folks over at Roc-a-Fella records.  My social media is frustratingly boring, so I’ve been told, so one would just have to ask me (like they’ve done a million times), I’m just going to describe them and smile (like I’ve done a million times) because it really wouldn’t matter if my “type” was exotic instamodels, and hers were 6’5 lightskinneds there we would be together so we would both be full of shit. (Or we would just be…typos *cue rimshot*).

I guess my point here is that type or proclivity doesn’t matter much.  Spoiler alert, we tend to say one thing and do another (pun intended).  The confidence boost more or less a placebo, stepping to someone because you think you finer than their ex be advised, results may vary. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… NO

So a reader asked me was I afraid of commitment, without a second thought I had said no.  She was surprised by this answer, as young dudes usually try to avoid commitment like they do baldness, debt and the flu.  She asked for a particular reason, she was seeing someone and everything was going okay except there hasn’t been much effort on his part to eliminate the gray area and make it official.  “He’s afraid of commitment” she explains, he’s been burned in the past and is cautious about doing it again.  I had nothing.  And by nothing I mean I had a suspicion but I didn’t feel like speaking on it at the moment.  That suspicion being he’s probably more than likely full of shit.  I never placed much stock in the being afraid of commitment because titles don’t breed feelings, he is just as likely to get hurt by this girl she’s dating routinely than someone he’s actually yoked himself to. Hell, I would say that it hurts less failing a relationship than being jilted by a never was.  I’m biased.  So of course what followed is the cliche question:

Why are men afraid of commitment?

Now, there’s some men who are just unabashedly self aware, they don’t feel as though they would be a good mate, they’ve been hurt, they inflict hurt, they don’t trust themselves to take that leap. But in her beau’s case, and I would say they aren’t afraid of commitment, they’re afraid of the “no”.

No is rejection, no is finality, no strips always the blissful ignorance that is enjoying the ride and seeing where things go.  No has consequences, suddenly the spoils and privileges you enjoyed as a “friend” cease to exist.  Those all day conversations are now “hi, wyd, and thats good”.  Its like coming into work one Monday and your badge doesn’t work. (Which is terrifying, every time.) 

No shines accountability on the other side as well, there is no more being led on, no credence lent to your doing the wrong thing with the right intention.  Now you know this is a road to nowhere, there’s no hope to hide behind.  You’re left with two choices; continue down this road to nowhere or just turn around and head back.  The reality sets in that you were never “friends” or you were never “talking”, you both just, were.  Its a tough pill to swallow.  If only a return to bliss was possible…but its been spoiled forever.  (Well unless someone changes their mind)

The ignorance is addictive sometimes.  Don’t ask questions you can’t process the answers to,  keep telling yourself who knows what the future may hold when you know deep down it looks very bleak.  In her case, she just accepted that he’s afraid of commitment and he’ll come around.  I would beg to differ but maybe I’m wrong on this one and he truly is just afraid of a being hurt in a relationship with the person he’s been dating for months already and seemingly has feelings for.  Or something. 

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Today’s Word is… BITTER

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As an adult male, sans online you make new male friends primarily off a shared experience, run ball together, live near each other or work together.  You can make new female friends the same way but there’s also the accidental friendship; one of you tried to pursue a relationship, the other turned down (for what) this offer and now you’re left with two options, chill in this here friendzone or take your ball and go home.  The former is usually the option since people hate appearing bitter even if they feeling some type of way about this curve they just received.  For what its worth, I think more people should be bitter, sometimes its okay to say “you broke my heart, so f ck you”. Friendships are just as optional as relationships, there’s truly no need to be in one that doesn’t make you happy. 

Perhaps it is because bitter is such a loaded word.  It’s synonymous with hating, “who hurt you” and rancor.  No one wants to appear bitter, be called bitter or even admit to themselves that they are bitter.  It was a struggle that I have fought myself plenty of times.  From back in the day, all the girls I had a crush on around the way called me their big brother, me and Dessi having regular conversation like a heartbreak didn’t happen, remaining civil with an ex and us both pretending we’re not in love with each other.  Men typically are used to swallowing this bullet anyway, I’m not going to be churlish with someone just because they choose not to be with me (of course I’m speaking for men, not buckfoys who seemingly have no sense of coping skills).  In that same sense, there’s times when I realized that it was no point in keeping up a facade and saw my way out.  (Which always seems to turn the tables and now she’s sweating you but that’s besides the point)

You can’t make someone stop feeling, stop hurting or even swallow the rejection to maks your life easier.  Its something I’m learning still.  When I’m on the other side of the table, I have no control on whether they want to stay or go, just as none of my dreams deferred had a choice.  However, the key is still to make a choice and not waver. Don’t tell me you’re my friend and all you’re doing is trying to woo me, don’t tell me you’re my friend and passive aggressively unload your hurt.  Don’t tell me you’re my friend and really you’re just planning to flip the script so you can then reject me (this last one might’ve been me a few times, but I’m petty. Jesus is fixing me. Judge your auntie.)

Rejection sucks. It hurts worse then stepping on a lego at midnight or getting a charlie horse mid coitus.  What I will say is, even if I initially planned to give her that work be more than a friend, some of my closest homegirls I wouldn’t trade for the world.  Depsite the fact, she probably was planning to put my face in a figure four leglock be Mrs Stan Gemini and was denied, I would hope one could appreciate me as a kind, supportive, friend.  And I give great hugs.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ABANDONMENT

Started with an email, now we here. Actually, this was an entirely different post a few days ago, what started off as a question about dating someone with abandonment issues, it became “wait….do I HAVE abandonment issues?”. I had stumbled across an old article on YourTango, “5 Ways Abandonment Issues Can Ruin Your Relationships“. I mean I’m shy, I end relationships not for what they are but more for what they won’t become, falls in love fairly hard, always courting if you read up on it, I seemingly fit the mold.  I don’t think I’m afraid of being alone or rejected, I’m alone now….kinda.  I mean yes I do need reassurance in a relationship, but who doesn’t. (Okay I think I set a record for most shameless plugs in the first 100 words of a blog post). There’s a method to my madness, when I wrote each of those posts they were all at different times with different mindsets, there’s times I like to write in series but I never realized how it all fits from afar. Maybe I do have abandonment issues, it would explain a lot, but so does me just knowing what I want and having limited patience for anything less because I really don’t have to. Okay, that sounded extremely cocky…let’s just go with abandonment issues for now.

Keeping things strictly on a dating front (abandonment in my life as a whole is a pandora’s box i’m not even going to try and touch). There’s been plenty of times I’ve been “abandoned”, some I saw coming, others blindsided me. What probably hurt more than the actual rejection was that now I had to question my own instincts. A blog of this nature allows me do a lot of reflecting, even if I don’t actually write about it, the thoughts are there. There’s situations I think about and get upset all over again and I hate that it does. Every now and again I will have baby blues and will think about what could’ve been with “Her”, I’ll tell “Dessi” something and I’m quickly reminded of the only 2 people I had shared that with previously. My relationships have ended much sooner now than in the past, maybe that’s good I’m not wasting time or maybe I’m becoming too jaded. I want to go into each new situation clear minded but I can’t help but notice trends. You can’t unsee red flags.

I can become blind to them when feelings overcome instincts. Smart enough to know better, too open to give a fuck. I wanted to be with “Ms” so badly I overlooked the 29482 reasons why it was not going to work, and when it didn’t what was worse than the actual falling out was that I let myself down. That carried over to “Miss” so at the first sign of trouble I bailed. Then I realized I was being too closed off so when “Special” came around I put back on the blinders and got burned again. Now, I find myself in a new situation unsure how to play it, there’s unbelievable chemistry but there’s obvious setbacks, even coworkers can tell if we’re on good or bad terms because my mood is that impacted….and that terrifies me.

So maybe I might have a slight, mild, moderate case of abandonment issues. If you’ve read this blog enough, you should know I really really suck at this whole love thing. I’m the Matt Schaub of this here. So of course I’m guarded, perhaps I overthink, maybe I’m in my own way. I’ve at least come to know what it is I want and I’m not abandoning that pursuit.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… FRIENDSHIP

I’m not a relationship expert, I don’t even play one on TV.  This blog is more or less me thinking out loud and when readers do reach out for my perspective, tell me about a post they like, or just to #heyboo, I appreciate the love. My gmail aside from sweet nothings from a special someone, is otherwise full of bullsh t any other time, no matter how many things I unsubscribe from….I’m rambling.  Anyway, when readers do ask for my perspective on an issue, I try to be as objective as possible.  I try to take myself out the conversation, but this last one, it really touched on a pet peeve of mine. 

Quick summary: So the reader was friends with this guy, they dated briefly but then he told her he was busy with school/work and it was best they just be friends.  Reader agreed, but of course it turned into a FWB thing, the reader thought she could win him over eventually, when he declined again she blocked his number and on social media, now misses him wants to fix things…..as long as they get back together. 

So after getting more information I responded she should respect his wishes and work on the friendship. 
“Okay….but how long do I have to be his friend before I bring up us”
“Do you want him or you just want a man”
“I want him to be my man”
*throws phone*

This reason this grinds my gears is because of the notion that friendship is somehow a downgrade.  She doesn’t care about him or his wishes not to be in a relationship.  The situation brought me back to “Miss”, who most of y’all know the story of.  What hurt me more than the complete 180 shift in personality is that she pretty much deemed a friendship that budded over years completely irrelevant because she couldn’t have what SHE wanted.  I told her things I never told anyone, I loved her just not in the way she desired, and all of it was just a facade apparently.  The reader who says she loves this guy more or less is brushing off his friendship as some sort of prerequisite course and it’s pretty disheartening. 

Friendships don’t just happen, this isn’t Facebook.  While I believe friendship is an important foundation to a relationship, that doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.  People whine about the friendzone all the time but it’s really just an overbearing sense of entitlement; “I’m attractive, we get along great, we’re both single, how dare you not want to be with me.  You dated whatshisname and he wears tube socks with dress shoes.”  Spare me.  There’s people I’ve known all my life I still wouldn’t call them a friend.  I have friends now that at one time I was the one who wanted more, should I be bitter about and block their number, or just accept another good person in my circle, even if not in the role I intended.               
              
Ultimately, me and the reader reached a consensus to stop being intimate, try being his friend and if she’s still so madly in love it hurts her core not to have him call his own , then she can gradually drift away and wished her luck.  Although in full disclosure I don’t buy the too busy thing….actually that’s another post entirely.

-Stan-      

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