Tag Archives: reader email

Today’s Word is… FRIENDSHIP

I’m not a relationship expert, I don’t even play one on TV.  This blog is more or less me thinking out loud and when readers do reach out for my perspective, tell me about a post they like, or just to #heyboo, I appreciate the love. My gmail aside from sweet nothings from a special someone, is otherwise full of bullsh t any other time, no matter how many things I unsubscribe from….I’m rambling.  Anyway, when readers do ask for my perspective on an issue, I try to be as objective as possible.  I try to take myself out the conversation, but this last one, it really touched on a pet peeve of mine. 

Quick summary: So the reader was friends with this guy, they dated briefly but then he told her he was busy with school/work and it was best they just be friends.  Reader agreed, but of course it turned into a FWB thing, the reader thought she could win him over eventually, when he declined again she blocked his number and on social media, now misses him wants to fix things…..as long as they get back together. 

So after getting more information I responded she should respect his wishes and work on the friendship. 
“Okay….but how long do I have to be his friend before I bring up us”
“Do you want him or you just want a man”
“I want him to be my man”
*throws phone*

This reason this grinds my gears is because of the notion that friendship is somehow a downgrade.  She doesn’t care about him or his wishes not to be in a relationship.  The situation brought me back to “Miss”, who most of y’all know the story of.  What hurt me more than the complete 180 shift in personality is that she pretty much deemed a friendship that budded over years completely irrelevant because she couldn’t have what SHE wanted.  I told her things I never told anyone, I loved her just not in the way she desired, and all of it was just a facade apparently.  The reader who says she loves this guy more or less is brushing off his friendship as some sort of prerequisite course and it’s pretty disheartening. 

Friendships don’t just happen, this isn’t Facebook.  While I believe friendship is an important foundation to a relationship, that doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.  People whine about the friendzone all the time but it’s really just an overbearing sense of entitlement; “I’m attractive, we get along great, we’re both single, how dare you not want to be with me.  You dated whatshisname and he wears tube socks with dress shoes.”  Spare me.  There’s people I’ve known all my life I still wouldn’t call them a friend.  I have friends now that at one time I was the one who wanted more, should I be bitter about and block their number, or just accept another good person in my circle, even if not in the role I intended.               
              
Ultimately, me and the reader reached a consensus to stop being intimate, try being his friend and if she’s still so madly in love it hurts her core not to have him call his own , then she can gradually drift away and wished her luck.  Although in full disclosure I don’t buy the too busy thing….actually that’s another post entirely.

-Stan-      

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Today’s Word is… APPROACH

It’s time for an email, time for an email, time for an EEEEeeeeEEEEeee-E-E-E mail, yeah.  *Elle Varner voice*  Elle Varner gonna be my future ex wife, she just don’t know it yet.  Anyway, this one wasn’t so much a question as much as it was more of a random discussion about men’s reluctance to approach her in public.  She says she’s attractive (my inquisitive nature had to see what she looked like, she’s cute), friendly, she makes herself available, but when she’s out with friends or even alone, not even a nibble. Approaching in general is a lost art, it’s 1000 times easier to follow on twitter, exchange a few jokes, then email addresses, then phone numbers then fluids than actually politely interrupting a pretty woman in Wal-Mart.  The reader said she gets plenty of attention online but what good does that do when they live way over yonder or they’re local but flagrantly aint sh t.  (Sidenote: i wouldnt know but in my own head I assume most guys on dating websites arent single)

I also chatted with the reader about my own thought process when it comes to approaching or not.  I like to think I’m an introvert when really it’s just a convenient explanation to not talk to people when I don’t feel like it.  I’m a delight usually.  Confident, quick witted (is it me or have i been tooting the hell out of my own horn these past couple posts, oh well) I actually enjoy the sport of turning a stranger into a friend/lover/other.  However, I’m introverted in the sense that I think a lot of my approach before I ever implement.  My spidey senses have served me well for the most part even if I maybe let far too many opportunities slip in lieu of getting #thecurve (and I’ve caught some bad rejections smh).  I try to be….efficient.  

We also discussed that as a man in general, what would stop me from approaching someone who I was clearly attracted to?  It’s usually inconveniences she has a whole entourage, crowded ass dance floor, she didn’t smile when our eyes met.  At one point, I would be intimidated if she was just extremely attractive but as you meet more people you realize at the very core, anyone can be had it just takes attraction and charm.   Also, most guys figure she has a full roster so they don’t bother when it’s really the lowkey modest girl who be the real culprit.  Yup, I’m on to y’all. 

Simple solution, why doesn’t she take the initiative.  She doesn’t want to seem desperate and actually quoted something I had said that men will always find some use to a woman even if he’s not that interested.  I don’t think I said that, I’m too lazy to go back…it was probably out of context anyway. Even so, I don’t think forward women are desperate by any means I look at them as I would myself, I like to be in the drivers seat.  Limiting your options to simply who comes to you and hoping they meet your standard seems way more difficult than you simply going after what you want, but I guess it’s a pride thing.  Just ironic how we seemingly are always after something under the belief nothing is going to fall in our laps.  But an ideal mate, that’s just going appear any day now. 

-Stan-         
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Today’s Word is… MISTRUST

*Method Man voice* R-E-A…..D-E-R MAIL. That’s how you start a post when Wu Tang raised you, or you become a white Will Smith making songs about hand me downs. Whatever.  So a reader reached out curious about something I wrote a long while back on relationship chicken, that awkward period during dating when one or both sides is simply afraid to put themselves out there.  He finds himself, at that stage, he met a girl he’s really feeling, he’s wined and dined but he’s just not quite feeling the love back.  So naturally, his own ego told him to take 3 spaces back, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  Now the girl senses that drift and now she’s easing back, moreso than what he was already concerned about.  He likes her and he thinks she feels the same but he’s afraid of throwing more time, money and effort into a failed prospect and she’s afraid of being hurt. 
Obvious answer, take the the lead make your feelings known, stop hiding behind what you think might could possibly happen.  However, what’s more interesting to me about the whole chicken dynamic is simply the lack of trust that exists between two people in the courting process.  This brought me to a post I read on VerySmartBrothas about lazy/cheap dates, amongst the conversation there was the women who weren’t shy about their expectations for a date and the men who were frustrated with putting so much into women who weren’t coming out them vickys interested.  Isn’t dating/courting supposed to be an enjoyable experience? Who let all the paranoia in?  Women set up booby traps, a naval fleet and snipers around their hearts, men are standing by with binoculars wondering if she’s worth the gauntlet.  Chicken was an understatement, it’s a war going on outside. 

I would say I’m a hopeless romantic that’s always willing to take that leap for love, but then I would be lying.  Love is scary, dating is a bitch.  My reader doesn’t like feeling being taken advantage of, no one does, but is there ever a way to really know the others intentions, even when they do actually communicate? Nope.  I try to give objective insight in my emails/chats but do I even know for sure? Yes.  I’m awesome and I’m usually always right about these things. Nope.

What’s funny about the paranoia is that reward is so much greater than the risk.    What are afraid of wasting anyway? Time? We spend 1/3 of our lives asleep, another 1/3 work/school and the rest is our personal lives.  (Wow depressing when you think about it.)  Money? Unless he was going on $200 twitter dates or works in a sweatshop a couple dates shouldn’t have hurt his pockets too much, and after all you do eat and see the movie too. Emotions? Better to have loved and lost and sh t.  It happens.  Sometimes we just need to let our egos take a backseat and just go for it, trust your instincts, trust the process.  She probably isn’t his future wife but the longer he plays chicken, the longer he’ll never know.

-Stan-  

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Today’s Word is… LOYALTY

Another handful of emails, most of which pertain to things I already wrote about.  However, there’s an underlying theme in them all.  These women and man are knock out, drag out, undeniably, frustratingly loyal.  Something, I can relate to, and to an extent, admire.  I’m a loyal guy, my best friend been my best friend since I was 5, you read here I’m constantly forgiving people.  However, me and my friends fought, literally, and go right back to normal, exes have done things that warranted no longer wanting to be in a relationship with them, but never have I just stood by and allowed myself to be cheated on or disrespected in the meantime.  Ultimately, I’m loyal to myself above all, I’m not sacrificing my own happiness for someone else.  Relationships, friendships are optional, why the hell am I going to choose to be around someone who makes me miserable?  To make them happy? Nah.

Okay, I’ll draw from one email.   A woman, around my age, dates a man who goes off to serve our country.  He comes home, struggles to adjust to his former life, while his girlfriend stands by his side just happy to have him home.  Fast forward a few months, he’s reaching out to old girlfriends, she’s finding pictures in his phone (sidebar: ladies can yall stop going through phones without warrants, thanks), and while she’s working and going to school, as he struggles to find gainful employment, his mornings and afternoons consist of being online again trolling for women without even having enough respect to browse Incognito (internet history is fair game, its her computer and he should be job searching).  He suffers from PTSD and will play that card at every opportunity, as someone who barely plays Call of Duty, I can’t possibly speak on what he’s going through. 
Her question, not how to get this dude out my house, how to confront him with all this evidence, hell even what should I do?  Rather, how to spice things up and keep his focus.  Man, where can I find me one of her?   A wife with a family she’s not trying to break up, I get, a 25 year old grad student with a live in boyfriend, not worth that sacrifice.  Again, we handcuff ourselves to loyalty.  He’s financially and emotionally dependent on her, she takes the responsibility seriously.   She’s willing to take disrespect and lies in exchange for being needed.  She devoted herself to this man while he was away, how can she walk away from him now he’s here?  What’ll make her happy is making him happy, even if its worth losing her own. 

Loyalty is an admirable trait, a desirable trait, it is also exploitable.  We all have those people who pretty much dare you to walk away, knowing you won’t.  My reader and I then talked on what she wanted in love and life, not from him but in general, and then was he providing any of that.  She knew what she had to do, and who knows if she will actually do it. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INVESTMENT

Been a long time. Shouldn’t left you. Without a blog post to step to.  I never liked that Aaliyah song. Anyway, over this lovely 4 day weekend I got caught up on some reader emails.  Now on most blog sites, you get an email, you open with said email, and your response is the post, but I like to discuss the issue with the reader and then post it post discussion. Triple entendre, don’t even ask me how.  I prefer this way, one it helps with the typical storytelling style of the blog, and I think conversations work so much better than just one long answer to a question. Anyway here’s the yada yada yada:

Girl meets boy online, embark on long distance relationship, for almost a year. They skype so he knows she’s no Catfish, but they havent met in person so she could smell like Catfish.  They make plans she keeps cancelling, on the latest cancellation he says he’s done, the next week gets a local girlfriend.  Girl is confused how he can move on so quickly, would like some closure on the issue.

 

We touched on a few things, why the cancellations, what she wants now, the elephant in the room that he got a girl in a week…but what kept turning up was the sense of entitlement she felt that after a year, he can just be done.  She felt she deserved a little more respect than that.  I can understand her view but I agree with his.  One, because as a reader she was well aware that my number one rule to long distance relationships, is no cancellations.  Long distance takes a lot of patience and hope, you lose one or both, you lost period.  He simply lost hope in her.

Sometimes you just got to know when to fold em.  He had invested a year in words and breasts on a screen, okay I don’t know how real their skype sessions got but I’m just assuming, a year you should be get to e-second base, right? Whatever.  He realized he was putting time and energy into something that wasn’t playing out how he envisioned.  He was left with two choices, keep investing and hoping it pans out, or just take you were in a year relationship and all you got was an e-shirt.  Okay, let me be a little more sensitive, hell I’m currently feeling someone who’s a wee bit out my jurisdiction, but thats another post, maybe.  

As for her she’s at that same crossroad, she’s invested a year into someone and it’s just…over?  How can he just be over it that quickly? Does he not care? Did he ever?  She wants answers, but is she owed them?  I’ve discussed “closure” before and perhaps my position evolved as i do see it as a necessary evil.  It should be simple and to the point, this won’t work because ________, don’t debate me on it, don’t ask about who I’m seeing now, take the humble pie with a glass of accountability.  To an extent, he gave her that, he told her he couldn’t take her seriously anymore.  Explaining the new girlfriend, maintaining a friendship, seeing her when he’s in town in a few months, he doesn’t owe her any of that.  Only return on this investment is a lesson learned.

-Stan-

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