Tag Archives: online dating

Today’s Word is… TINDERELLA

So I don’t do a lot of “binge watching”.  Usually I can watch an episode or two of a show and then I need to find something new to watch or do.  Every now and again a show does in fact hook me, and this past weekend it was Master of None.  It stars Aziz Ansari as Dev, a 30 year old Indian actor navigating his personal & professional life in New York City.  It’s a show of microaggressions, religion, parents who dont “get” millennials, and primarily how dating is trash.  The show is basically what Stan of Few Words as a TV series would be.  Starring Kofi Seriboe as me, cuz fuck you it’s my show.  One episode that stood out in particular was the 4th episode of season 2, First Date.  Now I’ve talked about first dates before, and I’ve talked about my online dating struggles, but that episode made me think about all my online first dates and the different types of women you meet online.  Now, I’m not going to pretend what women go through in online dating is comparable to what I went through because I don’t log on and get bombarded with pussy pictures and solicitations. (Well I did get an unsolicited video one time, I may have watched it til completion while also wondering how did we get here, nobody’s supposed to be here). I’ve never gone on dates and had to check in with a friend so they know I’m safe or been cussed out because I wasn’t interested (Well, there was one girl who ran up on me in a 7/11 because she thought I blocked her number).  Anyway, I feel like there’s 10 types of women you meet online whilst searching:

1. The Marshawn Lynch– She’s there so she doesn’t get fined.  She’s gotten out of a relationship, her man has already moved on and now her friends are imploring her to get some new eggplant because she’s making them look bad, as an unit.  She reluctantly makes a profile, but she really isn’t interested in dating.  In fact, she wishes you would be so awful that it would give credence to her decision to not date.  

2. The Brandy- She wanna be down.  She’s likes sports, video games, comics, beers, rap, casual sex and pizza.  She’s a good time, great chemistry then you get home and realize that didn’t even feel like a date, it felt like 2 friends hanging out.   You forgot to tell her she looked great, but she wore a messy bun and a Spider-Man shirt. 

3.  The Precedential- She’s the one who overanalyzes everything, she’s read all the dating books and articles and now everything means something from the color shirt you wore to whether you looked at the food or drinks first.  If you text her at 7:55 on Monday and 8:23 on Thursday clearly she wasn’t on your mind first you’re getting distant; is there something wrong?  You answered a yes or no question with one word, clearly there’s someone else.  If you rescheduling dates now, how can she rely on you as a partner? 

4. The Instagrammer- You’re about 64% sure that she only accepted the date for the photo op.  She posted a date night outfit, took pictures of the food and drinks, never of you because she has an image to uphold. She posts a goodnight picture about how she had the greatest time, meanwhile the actual date was awkward silences and bathroom breaks.  

5. The United Airline- She overbooks.  She needs to know by Tuesday if you’re on for Saturday afternoon because she has plans that evening.  She’s transparent about her schedule while failing to see how much of a turn off it can be.  

6. The Confessional- This might be the one I hate the most, the girl who waits until the date to reveal all the shit she lied about on her profile and over text.  I’ve had dates lie about children, boyfriends, age, smoking, jobs…but you already ordered and you was starving.  

7. The Culminator- The clock started from first message, by time it’s the first date she has already decided to be with you and she’ll learn the rest on the job.  

8. The Companion- You liked her, she liked you back. You message back and forth. You ask her out, she accepts. You go on a date and have a great time….but she isn’t looking for anything more than a friend. You’re not even her type, you just seemed cool.  This would be fine except you didn’t meet at work, YOU. MET. ON. A. DATING. SITE.  Who swipes right on people they aren’t interested in? That’s literally not how this works.  Probably goes to bars just to chill and drink water, ol loitering ass. 

9. The Priority- She’s been single for a while and has adjusted her life accordingly. She has her career, her family, her church, her netflix, her book clubs, her alumni groups, her sorority, her pets, her podcast, her blog, her freelance gig, her perennial self care vacations, and her long distance open relationship…then you come along and it’s apparent she has so much going on that she doesn’t even have time to date.  

10. Susan- They could have their own list honestly.  There’s “I don’t see color” Susan, “mmmm chocolate” Susan, “woke, but hates black women” Susan, “I didn’t date black guys until I didn’t lose this college weight” Susan, “I’m mixed” Susan, “Get Out was just a movie” Susan.  
*sigh* Dating is trash, yo.  I mean sure there’s silver linings, the Brandy is a good time when you hang out; with managed expectations, so is the Companion.  Perhaps, the Priority or the Marshawn will come around.  If you want a relationship (or sex) the Culminator is right there.  Maybe you can take a page out of the instagrammer’s book and just fake it all.  Apparently, there’s the 11th woman.  The one who is looking for a relationship, actually available to be in one and isn’t overly neurotic about it.  We can just call her, the Tinderella.  

-Stan- 

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Today’s Word is… ONLINE

As someone who spends a lot of time online, I’m not a big fan of online dating. I enjoy the randomness of life; I like the idea that I may meet the love of my life at Target, stealing a glance on the subway, at some function neither of us were super enthused to be at in the first place.  I guess you can call it fate or whathaveyou, but there’s a bit of that lost when you are swiping through profiles getting a bae made to order.  I could be like I want curls, goals, thick, wit, demure, secure…YOU NAAAAME IT whilst swiping left on all that doesn’t apply, but who knows if I met any of them in a different circumstance I wouldn’t be interested.  What gets lost in swiping is you get caught up in next, next, next you don’t even realize what you’re passing on.

 There’s a deliberateness to online dating that I can’t rock with.  People wield the power of the swipe and go against their own self interests.  Most people don’t know what they want.  It’s not much unlike your career, yes there are people who knew they wanted to be a doctor since they was 5, but most people find what they are good at, finds somewhere that will pay them well to do that and go from there.   Online dating sites would lead to believe everyone on there is really trying to find someone special but in my experience it appears to be anything but.

Yes, experience…I actually decided to give online dating a shot, for the culture. I tried two sites, OKCupid because the stats nerd in me was curious about who would match well with me and Black Tinder aka SoulSwipe, because I just find the name funny.  (Also my OKC inbox was looking like Make America Great Again, more on that later).  I did a few weeks on each, kept an open mind about it, had a handful of dates but ultimately…I’m as single as when I joined.

So, SoulSwipe.  Soulswipe is pretty straightforward, name, age, height, short bio and some facebook pics.  Swipe right for yes, left for no, if you match then you can message, iight bet.  (I also just learned that once you swipe left they are gone forever, like, what if it was an accident…maybe she didnt realize how much worse it’d get, that feels unfair…there aint even a maybe pile…that’s some ol bullshit)  Besides that, my biggest takeaway….do you even want to be on here?  Some profiles read more like a rider list than an introduction. “If you just say hi, I’ll just ignore”, “don’t ask me about my day”, like every time a dude slipped up it was a new rule on the page, the online equivalent of putting heads on the stake.  I can recognize the privilege at play, I don’t know that life of countless people in my inbox and it’s like, you didn’t even pretend to read my page or all you said was hi and they asking for pictures. However, if you’re on a dating site hoping to meet new people, you kinda have to be, you know, open to meeting new people.  You swiped right too, ma.  The people I connected with were open and able to laugh at themselves, while others…didn’t get my humor.  Which is the ultimate dealbreaker if there ever was one. I’m hilarious.

So on to OKC.  I made a full profile, a couple pictures but I mainly focused on the questions for a solid sample size. The matching system seemed accurate enough, but I tend to have good chemistry with everybody, I know a little bit of everything. My overwhelming result was a lot of white women, devout Christians, and homebodies. Apparently, the line about avocados was an icebreaker on a silver platter or I’m actually Donald Glover.  Church girls, well, we know what happened last time, and homebodies…that may have been the biggest takeaway.  I went out with 2 women who were pretty chill and realized how much I don’t necessarily want someone like me. I need someone who pushes me out my comfort zone, gives me balance. The people I actually connected best with were in the 70% range, have some things in common but plenty of differences to bicker about, they are the type who would be out anyway without me, the type who would be a friend of a friend, who I would run into at a happy hour, hell, even meet on Twitter.  There can’t be two me’s in a relationship.

By the end of my experiment I got, 2 books and a possible. (I learned how to play Spades from someone I met offline, score 1 for the real world). Of course, plenty of people have found love online.  Some more deliberate, like on a dating site, others more casual and started with a DM.  They say you always find what you’re looking for when you aren’t so doesn’t that fly in the face of dating sites anyway? I’m not knocking it, I just recognize it’s not really for me.  (Well unless I ever get around to making that dating app, then online dating is the way to go, don’t nobody be going to bars anymore, get with the times).  I guess I’m still good with flying blind and not really forcing my hand yet. Perhaps one day I’ll see if my Match and I find some e-harmony over where Black people meet or where Christians mingle. I’m sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SWINDLE

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These days, its almost second nature to meet people online.  The forum previously dominated by socially inept nerds and creeps living their lives on the web, is now dominated just your average joe with an iphone.  In the MySpace/Blackplanet/Migente era, it was a little more commonplace to meet people from the internet, but let’s just say I’ve just smiled and nodded as she made up some story about how we met at a party.  Facebook is when the tide really shifted, at least for me, because now these weren’t just chat buddies or people with thirst traps, these were other college students.  Facebook was pretty much a directory to who’s who on campus.  So one day when I had got a message from a girl who had said she would see me around and I seemed nice, I didnt think too much of it. 

This girl, lets call her admirer, would message me and we actually got along pretty great.  Then one day, I asked was she coming out to this party, she was reluctant at first but I persuaded her to meet me there.   So I get to the party, no sign of admirer, I’m doing whatever and someone pinches me, I turn around and the girl looks kinda familiar but I’m not sure (also I’m drunk), the girl hugs me and kisses my cheek near my lips, I focus my eyes on this stranger, its Admirer…but she doesn’t quite match her Facebook pics.   It wasn’t quite a catfish moment but it was certainly a swindle. 

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Swindles are tricky because they aren’t quite lies, but they are certainly not the whole story.  are not created equal, unlike Admirer’s ass knew those pictures was like 4 years old and never said a damn thing, I think people with any rational sense can understand the difference between what’s published and what’s reality.  It goes without saying that Amber Rose, Nicki Minaj or Kim Kardashian arent actually made of porcelain as their photoshoots make them look (Sidenote when did it become such a popular thing to leak unretouched pictures from a shoot, of course they have pimples and dimples, they’re humans).  But now, we are the photographer, we control our own social media accounts so much like professionals why would we willingly choose to post our own flaws for the world to see?  It begs the question, when are you hiding imperfections and when are you straight swindling?

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We all have our things we try to hide, makeup, weave, the people with big foreheads who only take pictures eyebrows down, the girl who only takes pictures at 55° angles, the dudes who have a fitted on in every picture (I too might be a hatfish, you don’t know my life tho) or guy with the full beard to hide his double chin. I don’t think that’s being deceitful. Photoshopping, outdated pictures, dressing room pics in clothes you never purchase (yeah I’m on to y’all) that’s when it gets more dicey.

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So for those who are dating in this digital age for the 9-9 and 2000, I implore you to stop swindling. Take down that 4 year old gym picture, you haven’t been back in years. Filters and foundations only mask so much, we got Obamacare, call a dermatologist. Stop buying waist trainers off instagram, now your arms look like foam bats. Stand in your truth. It shall set you free.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… REAL

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So I got another email, a followup of sorts.  This tims the reader “Peach” (its cheating to give your own nickname but in this case I’ll let it fly) met a guy on Twitter (I guess I did miss one; e-lationship) and after dating each other online now they’re casually dating offline. The thing is she “counts” the online courtship while he wants to start back at one and see where things go because he didn’t “know” her.  She reluctantly agreed, but is now looking back at what WAS the previous year, and is she wrong to feel like they’re a wee bit past a feeling out process. (Yeah yeah yeah insert communication, express wants and all that all advice column speak.)What’s more interesting is the differing opinions on the online courting.   Retell this story out of the matrix, they meet at a bar, talk frequently, hook up a few times, he keeps pressing for them to be together eventually and now a year into it, he says lets see where things go. Now he appears to be the one leading on.  In both instances, those sweet nothings and hypotheticals were empty, the difference is what happened in cyberspace is more assumed remain there and in real life.  For some reason.

People love to pretend “the internet isn’t real” when its convenient to do so, as if there’s not thoughts behind the words, feelings behind them, people behind them. This isn’t the 1995 when the heaviest internet users were creeps, nerds and agoraphobics, its 2014 where everyone is connected.  It’s a copout to dismiss someone on the internet when you, a real person, are on the internet.  Peach’s mistake in falling for a guy from Twitter is no different from falling for the guy who buys her a drink.  Ol boy’s stance to “see” where things are going lacks merit because Peach is as real as she’s ever going to be, so just call it what it is; you told her what she wanted to here, got a couple nudes, a few lovers weekends but that’s all it was.  Been there. Its no different than any other dude lying to kick it in real life.  Been there also. 

I been “Peach” too, investing time and feelings into someone only to have the rug snatched from under me. She plays the internet card while left singing “Am I Wrong” like Nico &Vinz and that song wasn’t even out yet.  LDRs are for suckers.  By rule, people tend to rationalize wrong behavior by dehumanizing the wronged (like an unarmed teenager……nope i wont go there today, stay tuned tho).  Relegating someone to words on a screen or an intimate relationship to online role play drives one mad because you know you aren’t delusional in thinking it was real.  It’s not even worth trying to convince that real feelings was hurt been there as well and just have to move on. to locals only  no matter how awesome this new one seems

-Stan-

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