Tag Archives: maturity

Today’s Word is… FOUR

“Can’t turn a bad girl good but once a good girl’s gone bad; she’s gone forever, I’ll mourn forever, got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever” 

That was the realest shit I ever heard. I was only like 13 tho.  Even into my early 20s, “Song Cry”  was my heartbreak remedy.  I didn’t need begging R&B records, Uncle Hov said aye sometimes things break bad, you just got to accept the L and move on.  There wasn’t much personal accountability, it was I KNOW I’m flawed, but you were the best part of us, but now you’re as messed up as me.  How disappointing…welp. New steak, who this.  (issa callback).  Sometimes the villain wins, so yada yada yada Jay ends up with the biggest superstar in the world, lord knows what happened to the Song Cry jawn.  Fast forward to 2017, Jay is once again making the song cry… Except he is crying, and apologizing to himself, to his wife, to his kids, to his sister in law, to the nigga he stabbed, (not to Kanye, Dame, Foxy, or Beanie tho ) and even to me, the youth who fell in love with Jay Z. “Forever macking” Jigga was long gone, this was full blown Uncle Hov, humbled.   Of course, we get older we mature (And sure it took until he was the same age Barack Obama was when he was elected, but hey.) but ultimately, Jay was humbled by what humbles many men, heartbreak and fatherhood.  And sure being beat up in an elevator and being branded a cheater in front of the whole world helps too. 

The humility of heartbreak, actual heartbreak, not you gave your situationship an ultimatum only to learn you didn’t matter that much or your #WCW just doesn’t look at you that way, makes you take a hard look at yourself.  Someone who you thought would love you forever is done with you.  Heartbreak that “Song Cry” or a trip out of town for a few days can’t fix.  I’ve “loved” and lost, went through the motions of someone with a broken heart but in hindsight, my ego was just bruised.   I don’t date exes as a general policy, but maybe I just didn’t love them enough to really earn them back.  Far as I was concerned, they just went bad.  I’ve loved and lost, and it gets to me sometimes. Not just the humbling of being heartbroken but the humbling of being so wrong that I had to teach myself how to trust myself again.  That good girls weren’t just going bad, they were just over me.  Still wondering if it’s even possible to love me forever, am I always just going to burn hot and quick like a supernova.  It took Jay damn near 5 decades to figure out his flaws, what if I’m still blind to mine?  Jay and Bey got a happy ending, but they’re the exception, not the rule.  

The humility of fatherhood, of which I can only speak on as a spectator.  Jay Z who coming up was as chauvinist as he was clever is now close to breaking at the thought of having to explain himself to his children one day.  Most men have a fear their child will grow up and learn they ain’t shit.  Kids are unfiltered too, they go to school and tell all their friends you ain’t got no job and 3 roommates.  I think about my brother, who spent his last on my niece’s gift because *redacted family business* was worth not disappointing her.  I see my cousin at a cookout,  someone who one day *more redacted family business* and now is giving instructions on watching his daughter when all he was doing was going upstairs to shower for 30 minutes.  They are probably more daughter dads as their kids are daddy’s girls.  They make them want to be better men.  

The irony in a girl being born with the burden of a man’s emotional maturity; from her father to the ones she love to the son she may have.  It’s how Jay can say with a straight face that woman 12 years his junior matured faster than him, Kanye’s mother has been gone for a decade and we still blame her for not being around to check him.  Women are simply held to a higher standard, expected to take on a project and just hold on for dear life and hope it works out.  

 I’m not in the clear myself, the man I’ve become and continue to be also came on the backs of the women in my pasts’ emotional labor.  I’ve toyed with emotions, kept people around, tested the limits of their patience.  There was a time that’s where I got my confidence from; being loved, being wanted, even if I didn’t feel the same.  I’m still learning, still growing and I think I can figure it out before I’m 47. Maybe 30. 33?  Okay, at least before I’m somebody’s husband or father.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… MILF

And the F is for fu…..annn……see….fancy works right? Cool.

Summer 2008 or was it 2009, or was it winter time, ah nevermind.  I had just recently met “A” (I really named her a letter lol).  She was a few years older than me, but we hit it off nicely.  As time grew and we grew increasingly flirtatious, we ended up dating well not exclusively, I’m getting to that.   I had gone back to school, she had told me she was pregnant. We ain’t had sex yet.  She had reconnected with an ex and voila (mind you this happened like 2 weeks after I left, I mean we weren’t exclusive, but like, damn.)  There was an awkward period but pregnancy and all somehow we ended up kicking it still.  The father was in the picture, he was just a friend, I was just dumb.  Technically, I was just a friend, he was just dumb.   It was an frustrating situation, I tried to address it but she played the “I’m pregnant doe” every time.  Yada, yada, yada she has the baby, her ex has given up on trying to do right, he bows out, I win by default.  However, I was a 20 year old student, I wasn’t trying to be a father, I tried my best to keep whatever we had, as just whatever we had.  But what we had was different now, I didn’t have a summer fling anymore, I was seeing a single mother.

It was a struggle, while my summer was wide open hers understandably wasn’t.  Her babies father suddenly wasn’t free to take the baby especially knowing the reasons why.  We tried but ultimately it just didn’t work.  The entire experience left a sour taste in my mouth as I was strongly against dating mothers.   Strangely enough I would keep running into them, “Ms. Wit” being one, now I think about it that was probably the reason we never worked out.  She was a lot more free than “A” was, but in the back of my mind I just wasn’t trying to do that to myself again, so I ended up with a childless student who put 10 clubs and her roommates over me. I never win.

My position has since evolved, I’m not exactly chasing moms (though its a cruel deception how women seem to have cake when pushing a baby stroller, its not quite back of a motorcycle worthy but its a decent second) but I’ve been much more open to it than in the past.  Dated a few, and in my other experiences with mothers I found they didn’t work because…

She wasn’t over it- Thats the main issue I’ve had with single mothers, they’re not quite over him or even the situation itself.  Whether it was an ex, one night, some dude you expected to stay, take the time to get over it.  “A” never took the time to assess the situation and wung it to mine and his dismay.  She’s now in a relationship that wouldn’t have worked 2-3 years ago.  I have another friend who’s baby’s father was never in the picture, but still needs time to get over the situation.  Like any relationship, there needs to be some sort of closure.

“You don’t get it”-  I hate when a woman is freaked out about something, I try to console and I’m hit with the “you don’t get it”.  Single mothers thats x100 as she may recall I’m a man, I will never get knocked up and have my own child. That is science.   Isolating me by emphasizing how alone you are is only going to leave you alone.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Bad mother- One of the things about seeing a single mother is she’s already shone in a mothering light.  Even if it’s not my child, seeing yours in dirty clothes before we hit the town isn’t a good look.  Hearing you curse in the background of the phone, not a good look.  Cooking us dinner and the kids eating ramen (this last one didn’t happen to me but a friend, I’ve never dated anyone THAT bad)gonna send me running

No time for me- I understand at best I’m gunning to be person 1-B in your life, but there’s limits.  I’m not a clingy person by any means, honestly I’m more a convenient dater so if I seriously find issue with finding time. There’s a problem.

Then of course there are the perks as well…

Bigger breasts, hips and it get wette…  She appreciates the little things- Quick coffee dates, quiet nights in, just enjoying another adult’s company means a lot more to single mothers that other ungrateful muhfuggas

Not worried about the little things- Well some single mothers have enough on their plate, they not reading twitter timelines and facebook feeds looking for reasons to fight.  They not stewing over petty arguments for days (okay im lying yes they are, all women do)

Maturity- Again have to say some cuz sadly I know plenty exceptions, but a single mother typically is more mature, not in the club, not posting thirst traps on Instagram,  she understands she has to set an example and usually its a better one than her peers.  *scrolls facebook feed* Okay maybe not.

So as open the dating window a little more potential mates in, who knows if I end up somebody’s stepfather, well I got a few years to explore. If I’m 30+ still single, I will just take over some family like Stephen A. Smith took over First Take.

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Today’s Word is… AGE

If she looks like this, compleeeeetely different post. Hi KeKe.

So I run into my boy on the way to work and we’re catching up.  We notice a girl smiling at us, more me than him but hey.  She was kinda cute but that’s all I paid attention to, it was the morning and public school milk got these high school girls deceiving as all hell. He beckons her over anyway, I know her.  She used to be around the way, somebody’s cousin I believe.  She comes and hugs me while my boy waits for an introduction, I barely remember her anyways, he can introduce yourself.

“Oh check you out all dressed up”

“Yeah just on my way to work, where you headed”

“Bout to go to school”

“What grade you in”

“I’m in college now, a freshman”

My boy started to talk low spit his little game, I had to go where I was going anyways.  I was leaving when she asked for my new number (like she had the old one, why do women do that they don’t ask they tell).  Hopefully my boy seals the deal, because she’s too young for me.

It’s funny because just a few days ago “Miss” asked me what’s the youngest I would date, and I said 21 at least.  Even that is a stretch, she would have to be really mature, or so dope I’m willing to look past it .  “Ms” for example, was both although in hindsight the maturity might’ve been an optical illusion.  But anyway, most of the women I talk to are my age or older accidentally on purpose.  Accidentally because I would never just shut down a younger girl who was interested.  On purpose because I typically have more in common with older women, I’m old for my age.  It took me a while to really come to that conclusion.  Story of my dating life, there was trial and plenty of errors…

When I was a senior in high school into my first semester of college, after my first real girlfriend dumped me.  I dated mainly younger (15-16 though, no R Kelly).  The bar was lower, and they was just as inexperienced as I was.  The issue was they were immature, and I was in college now.  So then I started to date girls my age, once again couple heartbreaks, decided to try something different again.   When I was 19-20, I had a small cougar phase, I went for older women because it seemed easier.  I was still insecure about myself, she was insecure about her age.  Also they been there, done that relationship wise and only wanted convenient fun.   This worked for a while, although there were some who would act my age which wasn’t cute at all.   In fact the oldest woman I dated she was 37 to my 19,  hands down the ghettoest, most immature woman I had ever dealt with.  She had a 13 year old son and still acted like a child…smh…but back to the story.  The real issue was as I got older I realized I wanted to be in a relationship and I noticed older women didn’t take me as seriously.   The been there, done that had backfired, they’ve been married, had kids, signed mortgages, I wasn’t about that life yet.

If she looks like this, compleeeeetely different post. Hi Halle.

So it brought me back to picking on girls my own size. Still mixed results. I never win. The lesson here should be that age doesn’t define maturity, so date whomever.  I will keep my settings on 21-34 for now though.  Because I think it still does define in a way, simply as it phases of life are concerned.  There’s a difference between being an adult and being grown.  An 18 year old hasn’t even had the type of relationship I desire, I’m sure of it.  Go get some experience and battle scars first.  A 42 year old probably isn’t looking to pop out a few big headed kids, I’m sure of it.  I’m sure there’s plenty exceptions as with everything, maybe the love of my life ends up being twice my age, (I ain’t playing cupid, don’t you try nothing) but for now I’ll see what I catch with this bait.

-Stan-

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