Tag Archives: love

Today’s Word is… BENEFITS

So I was making my way downtown, faces pass and I’m home bound when I had happened upon this meme

getting tens of thousands of retweets and I was flummoxed. First, because since when was abuse a word to be used so flippantly (also is she wearing a wedding ring?). Furthermore, what is a relationship benefit exactly? And he can expect a lot of things what exactly happens if she doesn’t indulge, is he just gonna continue to not be with her? If he says he’s not ready for a relationship and you continue to act like that’s acceptable to you, who is really lying? What responsibility is it of the uninterested party to keep reminding them of that fact? (I’ve been that guy…when you do they hate it, “they know” they said, “we’re adults” they said). In reality, I’m not that damn serious, no one is that damn serious, and maybe just maybe “relationship benefits” is just something you wanted to do.

Relationships are nothing more than mutual agreements of responsibilities and expectations of one another. There’s no benefits package. You do things for (and to) people you like. Sometimes that happens to be your girlfriend, or maybe it’s just the girl you’re sleeping with, or have a crush on or a friend. You had sex with them because you wanted to. You were their date at the holiday party because you wanted to. You paid for dinner because you wanted to. You built that TV stand because you wanted to. You cooked for them because you wanted to. (I don’t know when cooking became a grander gesture than sex…or maybe we just too grown to be earning sex so I gotta love you before you have my short ribs). Entering relationships for said benefits is not how they should work and if you are doing that, expect to be solely disappointed. A committed, healthy relationship should never be something you leverage.

There’s a difference between leveraging and courting. A difference between men sold on the idea that if I pay for the date I expect sex and men who go on dates because they are genuinely trying to what she’s about. People who have casual sex because they just want to and those who are just acquiescing in the hopes it turns into something else. The way men lament about paying for dates on Twitter you would think they aren’t at the restaurant they probably chose themselves eating too. You aren’t “free food”, that’s another one of her followers who orders her UberEATS even though they’ve never met. If she agreed and went out with you, then you aren’t being used. (Unless it’s like date 3 or 4, she’s never asked to see you first nor has offered to pay. #knowyourworthKing). Going back to the meme, if he says he wasn’t looking for a relationship, you know that you are but continue to entertain him hoping to change his mind. You aren’t being manipulated; you’re manipulating. It’s just not working. Again, you aren’t doing things of your own free will, you’re leveraging. In both cases, rather than ask explicitly what you’re doing here, or state plainly what you’re looking for and get finality…but its easier to hide behind casual sex, fake friendship and cocktails and play a victim because your plan isn’t working. But they’re the misleading one. K.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… STEAK

It was around this time last summer… 

“So how’s Tequila?” 

“Um, she’s good, but we’re… not.” 

“Oh. Ok”

My sister continued to fix up around the kitchen and mind her black ass business. But she, like our mother, was easy to read and right now she was judging the hell out of me.  I tried to make a case for myself, but the verdict was rendered.  I had gone from being in back to back long term relationships to now, well she couldn’t even keep up with them. Here today, gone tomorrow.  I got similar grief from friends, because that’s what happens when you’re single for a minute, it can’t be all of their fault,  it has to be the common denominator.  Maybe you’re not picking up on the red flags, or maybe you are looking too hard for them. 

 In relationships, we often don’t know when to hold them or when to fold them but refuse to acknowledge maybe we just aren’t good at this game.  No one thinks they’re as bad at dating as they are, just as they don’t think they are bad drivers or average cooks at best.  Men aren’t trying to hear their steak is trash.  Never mind it keeps coming out wrong and you were the only one manning the grill. 

At first,  it was rare steak.  Cold and mushy sorely disappointing.  No one likes rare steak, it’s gross and anyone who does eat it is like 2 steps from cannibalism (fight me). You didn’t purposely make rare steak, you went on one date… But they wore red; this feels too romantic.  Then they put their phone face down which clearly means they have something to hide,and had the temerity to ask what you did, so now they are after your paper… You got to run.  You just put the steak on the grill but the fire is too hot, you snatch it off… And it’s raw as hell. It don’t even look close to done.  What was you tripping about? You should’ve let it cook a little longer, but you panicked and ruined what could’ve been a fine steak.  

You learned your lesson, don’t bail too soon, and you get a new steak.  Like most people who don’t know how to cook, this time you cook on the highest setting because hotter means faster, duh.  After a few dates, the beginning of this relationship is very intense, very affectionate, a lot unearned feelings are professed.  It’s been a 8 weeks but “you’re in love”.  You’re just sure about this.  On the outside, your steak looks cooked to perfection.  In reality, it’s only been 4 minutes.  You take your steak and slice into it and the inside is still very much rare.  This is just as bad at super sketchy gold digger rare steak girl.  Once again, a good steak ruined. 

You take a minute to reflect… What is going on?  You know you know how to cook steak, you’ve had great steak before.  Medium well just the way like you like it. At least it was…but you thought it could use a wee bit more browning so you threw it back on the grill.  Then it got well done, technically ruined but edible.  Others around you say, hey maybe that steak is done but what do they know,  you just keep it on.  You didn’t mean for it to be well done but to save your ego you claim it was done purposely.  So then the steak is burnt and unsalvageable.  It’s the relationship you held on to for too long even when you knew it was probably done. You thought maybe you just needed a break, or you gave an ultimatum or you even took a major step forward and just hoped they would too.  You think things could go back to the way they was when it was good but much like that steak it doesn’t work in reverse.  The longer you hold on the worst it gets until someone finally does something unforgivable when in reality it should’ve been over long before you got there.  With that in the back of your mind, you’re a lot more cautious than you would be otherwise.  So worried about burning you barely let it cook at all… Like that’s any better. 

I think about my situation presently and how an early hiccup probably would’ve sent me running for the door but in fear of once again eating rare steak,  I decided to let it cook a little longer.  Time will tell if I actually got it right this time, all I can do is cook the way I know how and hope for the best.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… EXCLUSIVE 

So once upon a time not long ago,  I was on a date with someone, let’s call her… Stacy, and we ran into a friend of hers.  They chopped it up for a second and then she introduced me, this is… *cue Jeopardy theme* “Tristan” I interjected to move this along because I don’t do awkward.  Two revelations came from this; first, she ain’t even bang with this friend of hers in the first place (why do women do this) and secondly, it was the first time she had to actually think about who the hell I was to her.  We had been kicking it for a few months, saw each other often, she even picked up a check… basically, we went together.  Or so she assumed.  She not so subtly brought it up at dinner, “next time you can just say you’re my boyfriend… Or boo…or lover…maybe bodyguard (she realized the hole she dug and recovered quickly, I liked that about her).  We decided I was her unpaid escort/spades intern and swept that “what are we” under the rug. We practically went together and that was good enough. Except… It wasn’t.  I liked someone else actually, I would later end up with that person.  Stacy never asked, I never told.  She just assumed I wasn’t interested in someone else, that was her fault.  Wasn’t like we were exclusive.  

Karma would get me back for that one, as I found myself on the wrong side of an assumed relationship.  Once again, technically she didn’t do anything wrong I never asked, she never told.  (But a WHOLE boyfriend, B. How you fail to mention you got a whole nigga. Not a date, not a hookup, an entire relationship *inhales* *exhales*).  The lesson here could be to never assume, always ask and don’t put all your eggs in one basket because no one else is.  This game cold, diversify your bonds. 2-3 years ago, Today’s word would be Assume. 

But I’m #damnnear30 now, so today’s word is exclusive.  Everyone has a basic understanding of how dating and relationships work, yet when it comes time to be accountable everyone turns into Jeff Sessions.  Asking for exclusivity has become a necessary step in the courting process, but we can all be real with ourselves for a second… It’s bullshit.  If you have to ask someone to stop dating other people, break up with their boyfriend, not sleep with an ex while you’re out of town (this didn’t happen to me it was on a Netflix show), chances are they aren’t that sure about YOU in the first place.  We operate under our free will, not titles.  We do things for the people we like, love, desire regardless of what they are to us, so why do we act as if we need to be told first when it’s convenient?  Are you a Sim? 
Are we at a point where a relationship is some big step in life?  Is this like how we created an upper middle class because the actual middle class is broke? The word “boyfriend” doesn’t sound serious but now it’s practically an engagement.  I panicked at the idea of Stacy calling me her boyfriend as if I wasn’t damn near her boyfriend.  Or is it because boyfriend engenders some level of accountability that a “bae” doesn’t.  We all the security of a relationship, with none of the responsibility of one.  So much so, we’ve extracted this whole concept of exclusivity, because you got to earn the right of me giving up options. Or something.  What do you call someone who isn’t your boyfriend but you’re dating exclusively? (Denial.) 

I knew at that dinner what Stacy wanted and I could’ve cleared the roster and made it real but I didn’t want to and I knew it then.  I did break it off not long after that.  The one I ended up with never asked were we exclusive and if she did my answer would’ve been of course because I wanted her and I’m an adult who knows how things work.  

-Stan-

  

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Today’s Word is… COMFORT


Studies show the actual feeling of “love” lasts about a year. Levels of a protein called nerve growth factors which causes sweaty palms and the feeling of butterflies, were significantly higher for those who just entered a relationship compared to those who have been in longer term ones.  After about a year, whIle you may feel like it’s the first time according to that sappy Facebook birthday post that people roll their eyes at and “like”, your brain has since adjusted, and is like….nigga, I guess.  It makes sense ideally, that rush you got when you lean in for the first kiss isn’t quite the same as when you just Netflix and Chilling and trying to get it cracking.   You don’t necessarily need to study chemistry to know that firsts are always lit.  (Except sex because whIle your brain is going crazy for that first time, it might take a few more times until y’all are more in tune with the others bodies and likes…but maybe that’s just me and shit..more on this later*) 

That first year love, that passionate, this person was a stranger and they’re my everything love, burns fast, hot, and intense and extinguishes just as swiftly (My specialty, as of late).  It’s something out of the movies, commonly what we associate with romance and passion.   Then on the other end of it there’s heartbreak, despair, building yourself up again.  We associate love with passion and heartache with not much in between.  An observation I could even make in my own writing, largely grand openings and grand closings.  It’s the Mary J Blige theory: no one really tryna hear happy Mary, only lovuh and secrehtare Mary.  (Recently divorced Mary probably in the booth right now…it’s finna be lit)

What isn’t shown as much, is what happens when you aren’t high off love, or going through it; the happy medium….the comfort.   That isnt to say, romance and passion is dead, but real relationships arent always dates, gifts and spontaneous sex.   You don’t have to plan a date to see them, they just swing by after work.  Texts aren’t a bunch of sweet nothings, yall are just dragging a mutual friend who seems to be in the same outfit in every Instagram pic.   It’s a natural progression unlike passion which is premeditated.  You go into dates hoping maybe y’all will hook up down the line, maybe you can delete that Okcupid account…you never enter a relationship expecting a level of comfort.  There’s no 90 day rule for seeing her with a bonnet, nor for you snatching it off during sex because you’re petty.  You don’t have a conversation about leaving toiletries at the crib or her wearing one of your hoodies home (there’s NEVER a conversation….damn I miss my dawgs).   Maybe you do remember the first time you said I love you, but you don’t remember saving Coupled on your DVR.  Comfort is my sister texts you and your coworkers recognize me. Comfort is “lol i was going to send you that”.  

Sometimes comfort can mean complacency;  you not unhappy, but you aren’t swooning daily either.  Just like a relationship that’s all passion will burn out, one of all comfort may not…mainly because you’re too lazy to date again.  It could all be so simple; marry someone stable and have your whirlwind romances on the side…but most of us don’t make enough to really pull that off.  Kidding…mostly.  Passion and comfort is a juggling act most fail at (see 50% divorce rate) but I’m a hopeful romantic.   I’m might be a bit more chill than passionate (like most men), my love language is quality time (because thats the type of shit you do when you’re comfortable…maybe theres a passion/comfort quiz…I’ll check buzzfeed later).  Too much passion is like cooking with the flame too high, hotter doesn’t mean faster. (shoutout all the chicken, rice and cookware lost in this struggle…I’m a better cook now tho).   

As we get more comfortable, oxytocin and vasopressin intensifies in the brain and makes us want to belong and protect. Its a bond not much unlike parent to child.  So lust for a year, then bond for a lifetime.  It could all be so simple.  Until, someone throws their marriage away over a fling….Brad Pitt. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNREQUITED

I believe those ghost hunters shows are full of shit.  I believe Adnan did it. I believe we aren’t alone in the Universe.  I believe Jay Z really cheated.  I don’t believe unrequited love is really love.  Perhaps I’m a love purist, I believe love starts at reciprocity.  I don’t believe that you can truly love someone whonever loved you back, that it’s longing, its projection, its not love.  Maybe that’s the INFJ in me, I require balance, returned affection,  shared energy or I shut down.  I can’t see myself tirelessly trying to make fetch happen and getting nothing in return.  I was having this conversation with a friend who disagreed vehemently.  Who was I to discount someone’s feelings? It’s arrogance.  I guess….but I’m not so much dismissing feelings as much as I’m wondering aloud, what are you loving?  

I’ve been on both sides of this coin, piner and pinee…truthfully I don’t know which is worse. (Piner is worse)  For most of my early life my “love” was unreturned, I fell hard and fast for anyone who paid me any mind.  I said I love you because it felt like what you were supposed to do, I got curved and you couldn’t tell me Lenny Williams and I wasn’t feeling the same pain.  Except, he was literally losing his world and I barely knew this girl.  He reminiscing the kisses, the moments, the love and I was really really sure I maybe might could like her.  It was practically the same thing. All curves matter yo.  You couldn’t tell me my pain wasn’t real…eventually I could tho.  I can look back and say I was doing the most. Rejection sucks, but I didn’t love those women.  I didn’t know them enough to love them, they didn’t know me enough to love me. 

As the pinee, it’s…awkward.  Sometimes I even wish I could return the feelings just because I hate uncomfortable situations.  I can admit I was a little naive in the past, I flirted, I teased completely oblivious to the feelings my actions my engender.  Sometimes I just assume they know better than to actually shoot their shot.  But feelings gon feel I suppose. Nevertheless,it still wasn’t love they felt.  They never seen me in a romantic light to love me.  Ask them why they love me and its all about possibles and singing if weeeeeeee like Jeremih. Full disclosure,  I’m awesome, but all they know is what seems like a really good idea.  Which is all well and good but…still not love.  Especially when all I’m giving in return is jokes and the occasional compliment.  I don’t even deserve it, really. How did we get here?

So what do you call these unreturned, projected feels? Is unrequited love already considered a lower quality of love so much so we can let them sit with us?  Nigga, I guess.  Love is beautiful, magical, freeing…yet these days its so commonly associated with hurt and heartbreak.  Unrequited jawns feel their love is the same because the hurt hurts but if you’ve never felt the high that mutual healthy love has given you…you doing it wrong. Stressing about exes you never dated, loving people who never earned it. Y’all got it.  Maybe I’m splitting hairs here. Unrequited love can come to the cookout. Better bring ice and foil at least.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INTEREST

[A throwback with some updates for the 9-9 and the 2016…]

“How long they choose to love you will never be your decision” – A.D. Graham

Interest is piqued then it’s peaked and it’s all downhill from there. I can be really into someone and then just stop caring, nothing personal. That’s just the way love goes, word to Janet. Unless you’re really oblivious, you see the writing on the wall and the ball is in your court to either try and rekindle the flame or try your luck elsewhere. People lose interest for plenty of reasons, some are your fault most aren’t. Interest is one of those things that you really have no domain over, you can just chalk it up to the serenity prayer or you could drive yourself crazy thinking of all 100 reasons someone loses interest in you. Seeing as I’m about 1/2 crazy I should be able to come up with 50 right? [I’m now about 3/4 there so, lets try and do 75]do I have to say this list is in no particular order and not reasons I WOULD lose interest, okay, this list is in no particular order and not reasons I WOULD lose interest. [Okay these first 25…might be based on true stories]

So 50 75 reasons someone loses interest in you…

75. They are an adamant Bill Cosby truther
74. You ask them what they like to read and it’s Zane and Dicked
73. They get you into a show and as the show gets worse the less you like them
72. They are dating their friend and don’t even realize it
71. They instagram every part of their date except you
70. Their groupme disapproves and is peer pressuring the curve
69. They are passionate about something they suck at and you can’t break it to them
68. They decided to “come out the closet” as an athiest on Facebook
67. They put ketchup on eggs
66. They send recycled pictures
65. They think the Earth is flat
64. They get super drunk in front of your friends and start twerking at the kickback
63. They own a hoverboard nigga segway that people call hover boards even though they don’t actually hover
62. They misspell a lot and never correct it
61. They call and never have much to say
60. They are way too thirsty that it’s uncomfortable
59. They get a septum piercing
58. They talk about how much of of a good person they are
57. They aren’t ready for a relationship but down to do everything couples do
56. Their ex is still the homie
55. Their snapchats don’t match their pictures
54. They like coconut water
53. They are always sharing a story that doesn’t interest you
52. They send like 4 messages at a time, like every time.
51. They appear to have no standards
50. You are fans of rival teams and don’t know how to do playful banter
49. They really just wanted to date for a bit
48. Abandonment issues
47. You’re way too opinionated, sometimes its JUST a TV show get off the soapbox
46. You wore out your welcome at their house
45. Can’t take a joke or understand fluent sarcasm
44. They lied about things early and more time passes, more its going to look bad to get caught
43. They just can’t respect your job/career…Hi Party Promoters
42. YOU. WON’T. SHUT. UP.
41. You made a drastic appearance change
40. They seen you drunk
39. You’re too much of an ass kisser
38. You crossed the line from open/freaky to just gross/sick
37. You knowingly/unknowingly smashed a homie
36. They couldn’t take you serious enough
35. They legit had no idea you were into them
34. They just didn’t feel appreciated
33. It’s been months and they haven’t seen you without a hat(m)/leggings(f)
32. You already too happy with the pet names
31. You follow too many rules/laws you read on blogs
30. You’re a bandwagon fan, that shows you’re lack of loyalty
29. You don’t have any talents worth bragging about to their friends, no thats not what I meant…yet.
28. They don’t have a masters in Family Psychology, accept the consoling and stop asking for advice
27. You’re a boring texter; send a pic, a Stan of Few Words post you found hilarious, something conversational
24. They got your Netflix password so they don’t necessarily need you anymore
23. They pretended to like your favorite show and can’t stand watching it
22. Holidays are coming and they really aint trying to buy shit but Secret Santa gifts
21. You put them on a pedestal they know they can’t match
20. None of their friends secretly want to smash you
19. The person they were going to replace with you got their act together, mometarily.
18. All your conversations feel like interviews
17. They just really can’t afford to date you right now
16. Yes money doesn’t matter but who doesn’t want to impress
15. A red flag bothers them more than they thought it would
14. They just really rather have you as a friend
14. You done put on some pounds, or lost too many
13. You aren’t dating anyone else, they don’t want to be the default S/O
12. You’re into crappy music and it makes drives horrible
11. You can’t cook
10. They really don’t like your friends
09. They don’t see a future with you
08. They know you’re not going anywhere if they change their mind
07. You’re playing it too safe, start an argument or something
06. Your car/crib is filthy…take pride in your shit
05. You’re not as over your ex as you think, and they know it
04. They really just love the honeymoon period when all their stories are new and jokes are funny
03. You’re opposed to oral
02. Too much of a prude, if you’re waiting at least tease and arouse
01. Gave it up Too easy, now they can never take you seriously

Or you can straight up ask them what went wrong…maybe they’ll answer or they’ll just ignore you further assure nothing is wrong, ignore you some more and then when you express how you feel they will not get an iota of a fuck. Or maybe that’s just me. Whatever.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… FELL

image

Everyone talks about falling in love, the butterflies, the thrill, the weightlessness all that good shit.  Somewhat ironic that it’s even falling when everything that is typically associated with love rises.  It really should be rising in love.  You rise….and then you fall.  Falling out of love actually feels like falling; rapid descent from where you was previously was until you hit the bottom. Then you rise again. Falling is naturally scary, instinctively we try to stop or at the very least brace ourselves for impact.  Rising, you’re afraid but you also might be curious where you’re going. Doesn’t just makes so much more sense?  I think I’m rising in love for you….well, okay that sounds kinda perverted.   Moving on.  Falling out of love, much like rising in love (This is going to be a thing, deal with it) is a gradual process with signs all along the way, and like with most signs people seem to be oblivious of them.  There’s 38483 articles about the 40 ways you know when you’re/they’re in love, but how do you know when you’re/they’re out?  Sure there’s gotta be 40, right….. (of course, I’ll probably edit this number when I run out of ideas, so whatever it was on just assume it was supposed to be higher)

1. They call you by your government name
2. They text back when you call
3. All their apologies are prefaced by what you did to cause it
4. They sigh when you ask them to do anything
5. You don’t remember your last gift
6. “You look nice” becomes “where you going”
7.  Their friends aren’t as happy to see you
8. They don’t even ask if you need anything when they are out
9. Her wearing your clothes isn’t cute anymore
10. They start watching shows without you
11. You went from funny to everything is a fucking joke
12. You start thinking maybe they are the cause of their problems at work
13. They aren’t impressed by shit you do anymore
14. Dat Mouf don’t do much these days
15. Their profile picture is nicer than any one they sent you
16. There’s been nothing planned months in advance
17. They never tell you what’s so funny
18. They take their phone in the bathroom with them
19. They only say love you too after you do first
20. They have no patience with you
21. They drag your hobbies
22. They drag your friends
23. They drag your family
24. They don’t care about looking good for you
25. Sharing annoys them now
26. They call you out your name
27. They haven’t stopped doing something they promised they would
28. They don’t get jealous or care, really.
29. They go for low blows during arguments
30. They don’t smile anymore
31. They don’t sit next to you when they enter a room
32. You go days without speaking
33. They get theirs and it’s goodnight
34. They are defensive of their ex
35. Their pet don’t fuck with you
36. They don’t greet you or walk you out anymore
37. They are noticeably silent when a relative asks about marriage or kids
38. Fights are more frequent than ever
39. You realize you hate some of their favorite clothes
40. And oh yeah, yall break up

I’ve fallen out of love with my fair share of women, I’ve stood idly by as some fell out of love with me.  It’s humbling, the transition from stranger to someone you’re crazy about to someone you legit can’t stand anymore like what was you thinking?  I don’t have any exes I hate, even the worst ones I’m just indifferent on.  We tried, we failed, we’ll fall rise again. (See how pessimistic that sounds).  I just hope I’m up there for a while, falling sucks.

-Stan-

 

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