Tag Archives: lists

Today’s Word is… GIFTS

[Editors Note: Yeah, it’s a throwback. Merry Bhristmas and all that.  Be back next week. I think. Pretty sure tho.]

Tis the season to be jolly. Meh, not really. Anyway, Christmas time is around the corner and as we all make our lists and check it twice we stumble upon a boo that wasn’t there last year. New boos are hardest to get gifts for because obviously you don’t know them as well and you don’t know their own gifting ways. Ever get a gift for someone and get nothing in return, awkward. Ever do so a good 4-5 years in a row? Bah, humbug. Now, I’m an easy guy to shop for. I talk a lot about things I need or will treat myself to and because I’m a horrible procrastinator it’s very easy to beat me to the punch. I think men in general are like this, unless they are like Hurricane Buckfoy or some other lame, they don’t care about gifts they appreciate gestures that
a)showed you pay attention
b)takes something off their own to do list.

Women, I can say not so much. Feel free to disagree, but one of my favorite gifts last year was a new pair of clippers, buy a girl a blowdrier she’ll look sicker than an Alabama fan. Look at mother’s day sales, it’s for jewelry, flowers, spa trips. Father’s Day it’s tools and ties and sh t for work. Women appreciate spoils, men appreciate appreciation. It could all be so simple, but women rather make it hard when it comes to getting their #him a gift for Christmas, I’ve personally had my share of bad gifts. Some will be on this list of gifts not to get your man

The I Got Cash #struggleface

Cash- Where was you in the first paragraph, men like things they don’t have to get themselves. A couple years back, I asked “She” for an ipod touch, she apparently couldn’t find one and gave me the cash to get it myself, the cash went to bills and I haven’t had an ipod since. (Reminder this was written in 2012. iPod Touch…remember that was a thing?)

Gaming Consoles- There isn’t a man who wouldn’t appreciate an XBox One or PS4 (don’t get the PS4 Pro, it’s trash) this year but personally I’m just leery of any girlfriend making that large a purchase for someone unless it’s really real. Also the rule of thumb of gifts in general is don’t buy anything you can’t afford to replace.

Gift Cards that don’t cover sh*t– Gift cards are always the go to gifts right? However don’t get me a $20 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods and I can’t even buy a single item without shelling out my own money, it’s pretty much the equivalent of a coupon. Go hard or go home

Framed Picture– That’s for you not him. Something to put in his crib or office that lets everyone know you’ve arrived. If you’re going to go that route, go the extra mile and get a painting at least or something that shows you went beyond the neighborhood CVS

Clothes-Personally I don’t mind when a woman adds a touch of her own style to my wardrobe, I also prefer to do that while shopping together. Some men don’t even want that much, and rather not be bothered with what you think might look good on them. *side eyes my closet*

Wrong Item-If you don’t know, ask. I don’t know how one could mess up in a Google era but if you’re going to get him NBA 2K17, don’t get 2k16, if you’re going to get him a case for his tablet, make sure it fits. Nothing puts a damper on a holiday than striking out at the plate and knowing you can’t do anything about it until the next day. Hopefully, you’re doing the exchange (because again men like things they don’t have to get themselves)

Music-Unless he’s an avid collector, let’s be real no one buys music anymore, it’s streamed or downloaded now.

Some Assembly Required-Once again the ghost of Christmas past visits, I received one of those portable closet wardrobe thingys, it was something I did need at the time but, it came in a nice box with 40 pieces and only thing worse than going out and buying my gift is building it now if only I had some…

Tools– Unless it’s for their actual job, stay away from Home Depot this Holiday season (unless you’re buying a tree). I received a power drill once, it’s been useful to me over the years but bear in mind, I’m an accountant.

Colognes-Men who wear colognes know their colognes. Unless it’s something specific it’s probably better to leave it alone.

Now if you’ve bought any of these gifts or plan on it I suggest you go back to the drawing board, or talk to him and make sure he’s one of the exceptions. Otherwise, go with the 2 original guidelines, show you’ve been paying attention and get something he really didn’t want to have to get himself. If you haven’t then, are you sure that’s your man?

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HOLIDAY

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  I mean technically I would argue that Fall is, but there’s no song for it.  As the holidays approach, so do the holiday parties; the one day your company tries to buy back your love after all the bullshit they put you through over the year.  For what it’s worth, I enjoy holiday parties.  I enjoy seeing people out of their usual element and get routinely amazed how people take a few shots and completely forget they are still at a work function.  Every year I sit and babysit my drink and watch colleagues make asses of themselves, I’m not that heroic.  I remember at one job I had, a manager got lit and I’m pretty sure she shot her shot at every brother on the payroll.  Someone may have took her up on that offer.  We still judge him. Drunk white women are predatory as fuck with black men, but that’s another post for another day.  The best parties to attend are other peoples’, I can be charming and social with no expectation that this same me will be here on Monday morning.  So as I’m sure you enjoy your holiday party shenanigans this weekend; just remember the rules to live by:

  1. If it’s not open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s Happy Hour.
  2. If it is open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s a challenge
  3. In spite of #2, handle your liquor
  4. I’m probably going to forget your +1s name by time the handshake ends
  5. Yes, white people you can dance. You still can’t dance alone.
  6. Don’t talk to me about work.
  7. You’re allowed 3 snapchats tops. After that you’re just being the feds
  8. I know it won’t but I want the ugly sweater trend to die in a fiery crash.
  9. Just because we shared a laugh at the party, doesn’t mean its now our inside joke for the next 6 months
  10. Always arrive a little late, black people…well y’all know.
  11. Don’t stare at the health crazed vegan on their 4th drink. You don’t know their life.
  12. The worst person in the world is the one person who didn’t go to the party but insists on full recaps on Monday.
  13. Just because they’re wife/husband ain’t there doesn’t mean they aren’t still married, savage
  14. Be mindful of your Yankee Swap gifts; last year someone brought a 50 Shades of Chicken cookbook, thankfully a white woman opened it
  15. The Yankee Swap isn’t that deep you can just buy those wine glasses, Susan
  16. If your workhusband/workwife is more attractive than your date, watch how more flirty they get going forward
  17. Don’t try to to pull the intern, have some couth
  18. You can learn everything about how a coworker feels about you by how their date reacts to your name
  19. Don’t be the ones starting rumors on Monday, stay out grown folks business
  20. Festive Casual isn’t a t shirt
  21. The boss always notices who wasn’t paying attention when they was giving a few words
  22. If someone asks you how many drinks/plates you have…it’s not a genuine inquiry, have the clapback ready
  23. Greet your boss, greet their date, avoid them for the rest of the evening
  24. One day we going to have to tell white people we don’t do Kwanzaa so they can stop trying to squeeze it in…the hell is Kwanzaa Bread Pudding, B
  25. And most important of all, don’t end up in HR on Monday.  Getting fired for Holiday Party shenanigans is literally getting fired on your day off. You got to be a dumb muhfugga to get fired on your day off.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… FELL

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Everyone talks about falling in love, the butterflies, the thrill, the weightlessness all that good shit.  Somewhat ironic that it’s even falling when everything that is typically associated with love rises.  It really should be rising in love.  You rise….and then you fall.  Falling out of love actually feels like falling; rapid descent from where you was previously was until you hit the bottom. Then you rise again. Falling is naturally scary, instinctively we try to stop or at the very least brace ourselves for impact.  Rising, you’re afraid but you also might be curious where you’re going. Doesn’t just makes so much more sense?  I think I’m rising in love for you….well, okay that sounds kinda perverted.   Moving on.  Falling out of love, much like rising in love (This is going to be a thing, deal with it) is a gradual process with signs all along the way, and like with most signs people seem to be oblivious of them.  There’s 38483 articles about the 40 ways you know when you’re/they’re in love, but how do you know when you’re/they’re out?  Sure there’s gotta be 40, right….. (of course, I’ll probably edit this number when I run out of ideas, so whatever it was on just assume it was supposed to be higher)

1. They call you by your government name
2. They text back when you call
3. All their apologies are prefaced by what you did to cause it
4. They sigh when you ask them to do anything
5. You don’t remember your last gift
6. “You look nice” becomes “where you going”
7.  Their friends aren’t as happy to see you
8. They don’t even ask if you need anything when they are out
9. Her wearing your clothes isn’t cute anymore
10. They start watching shows without you
11. You went from funny to everything is a fucking joke
12. You start thinking maybe they are the cause of their problems at work
13. They aren’t impressed by shit you do anymore
14. Dat Mouf don’t do much these days
15. Their profile picture is nicer than any one they sent you
16. There’s been nothing planned months in advance
17. They never tell you what’s so funny
18. They take their phone in the bathroom with them
19. They only say love you too after you do first
20. They have no patience with you
21. They drag your hobbies
22. They drag your friends
23. They drag your family
24. They don’t care about looking good for you
25. Sharing annoys them now
26. They call you out your name
27. They haven’t stopped doing something they promised they would
28. They don’t get jealous or care, really.
29. They go for low blows during arguments
30. They don’t smile anymore
31. They don’t sit next to you when they enter a room
32. You go days without speaking
33. They get theirs and it’s goodnight
34. They are defensive of their ex
35. Their pet don’t fuck with you
36. They don’t greet you or walk you out anymore
37. They are noticeably silent when a relative asks about marriage or kids
38. Fights are more frequent than ever
39. You realize you hate some of their favorite clothes
40. And oh yeah, yall break up

I’ve fallen out of love with my fair share of women, I’ve stood idly by as some fell out of love with me.  It’s humbling, the transition from stranger to someone you’re crazy about to someone you legit can’t stand anymore like what was you thinking?  I don’t have any exes I hate, even the worst ones I’m just indifferent on.  We tried, we failed, we’ll fall rise again. (See how pessimistic that sounds).  I just hope I’m up there for a while, falling sucks.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… BOWL

So last year I did 47 observations from Superbowl 47, now its SB 48 so I’m upping the ante to 48.  As you know this years fame wasn’t nearly as interesting so bear with me

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48. Joe Namath would my hero if he played for anyone except the Jets
47. Even racists love Queen Latifah
46. FOX wanted to catch Know sh on crying so bad
45. Peyton tried to catch that first snap then he remembered white men can’t jump
44. Bruno Mars probably text Russell Wilson like “one of us is going to have to change”

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43. Pam Oliver’s hair was shade proof
42. Wait it’s the internet, everything is shadeable
41. These commercials stink
40. Peyton Manning already looks defeated
39. Are people going to admit Bruno Mars halftime > Beysus
38. #KanyeforHalftimeShow
37. This game is getting ugly, where’s Bane at
36. Russell just going to have to take the Trent Dilfer title for now the defense deserves MVP
35. Amazing Spider-Man looks well, amazing
34. Mark Wahlburg’s agent could probably lower the unemployment rate , Marky Mark stays working
33. These commercials still stink
32. The Cheerios one was cute but I haven’t laughed yet
31. Fuck Eli Manning
30. JC Penney getting more buzz off fake drunk tweets than these $4 million ads…genius
29. Kia just ruined Morpheus for me
28. Okay I’m lying he’s been dead to me since Matrix 3
27. Oh now Wes Welker wanna catch
26. Denver celebrating not getting blown out, greatest offense ever huh
25. Richard Sherman and Obama in the White House should be interesting
24. This game is boring I have a few more thoughts on halftime
23. RHCP would’ve been better as a surprise guest, knowing they were coming kinda ruined it
22. Bruno’s band doesn’t get nearly as much shine as they should I don’t like ballad singing Bruno
21. I can’t believe the Patriots lost to this team
20. Reggie Bush and Pete Carroll left USC to rot and got rings…what’s karma
19. 47 thoughts was easier last year…this game and ads stinks
18. Tom Brady > Peyton Manning
17. I still scored more in Flappy Bird than Broncos scored in the Superbowl
16. Defense wins championships and the NFC are loaded with them, they might make a run as a conference
15. 8 points I’m dying
14. I really didn’t think Brooklyn Nine Nine would be good now it follows the Superbowl
13. New Girl too….guess Fox is over the cartoon thing
12. I’m clearly killing bullet points til this game ends
11. Football is really gone til August tho
10. Guess I should really start paying attention to the NBA and college hoops
9. I just want to see the Heat lose to the Thunder or Warriors
8. My Celtics depress me
7. For its bad rep Compton produced Dr Dre, Venus and Serena, Kendrick Lamar and Richard Sherman
6. I really don’t remember any commercial even Doritos let me down
5. Superbowl commercials were better when we didn’t talk about them
4. That sounded a little hipstery
3. Seattle Seahawks are world champs
2. If the Thunder stayed in Seattle they could potentially have a title town
1. Boston is titletown

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Today’s Word is… BOO

So one of my readers pointed out that I hinted at having a girlfriend in my last post.  I responded, I don’t have a girlfriend, I have a boo.  She said that’s pretty much the same thing.  No, Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing, boos are different.  They’re complicated.  Boos can be crushes, workplace flirts, someone in that relationship limbo phase, just an old flame that never quite extinguished.  Moreorless it’s anyone you have no real obligation to care about but the feelings ain’t get the memo. Feelings ruin evrything.  Boos can be fun when there’s minimal emotional investment and you just enjoy their company. Boos can be irritating because as long as they’re Django Unclaimed you can’t tell them nothing even though they say and do things that rub you the wrong way sometimes. Alas, It ain’t for everybody (c) Jigga. 

Hell, it ain’t even for me, nevertheless boos happen and when they do there’s simple guidelines to keep yourself sane and stop you from going on long winded text rants she’s just gonna screenshot and make fun of you to other people about, or get hit with that painful reminder that she’s nachos.          

Keep Calm and Get Your Life, Boo: I know I’m a frustrating boo, some days to no ones fault I just do not want to be bothered.  Yes I will tweet about something I find more interesting than your “wyd” text, I will ignore your call because I’m playing crunk music at ignorant levels, some afternoons I’d much rather plan a jewelry heist in GTA V read a good book.  Point is, my time is my time.  My boo’s time is my boo’s time. 

Do you, boo boo: Single is single.  Never expect unfledged loyalty from a boo.  Personally, I don’t get jealous so even if I do see her flirting online with some random guy, I’m not going to skim their page see if I’m more attractive, make a few snide remarks I’d keep to myself like this dude a #heyboo away from a #heymaker or make up a bunch of slander nicknames or get so irritated you be fake mad at them for like 3 hours and they aint even know it, cuz you know I don’t do jealousy.  

Boo Discretion is Advised: As I said single is single but also. Ignorance is bliss.  Unless you’re seriously considering being with someone else, I rather not know.  (Doesn’t that count now skimming her social media feeds? Look I don’t need that now.)  Inversely, don’t ask me questions you aren’t fully prepared to hear the answers to. 

Booundaries (okay, i’m reaching now but the other three had boo in it):  Boundaries are always necessary especially in a unique situation where you’re not a couple, but they aren’t exactly your tailor either, actually I love my tailor, umm not my dentist, he aint sh t.  The boundaries should be fair and realistic, don’t expect relationship priveleges in a courtship. 

Enjoy it: Enjoy it for what it is not what it isn’t yet.  Of course, it’s easier to just take that next step, but you know…..#reasons.  Boos irritate but it should never go beyond that, lifes too short to be dealing with unneeded stress, especially from someone you haven’t even committed yourself to.

-Stan-

 
  

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