Tag Archives: life

Today’s Word is… TWENTIES

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It was a couple months ago, me and a couple friends go to see Childish Gambino.  Now its a little known fact at the venue that if you eat at the adjoining restaurant, they let you skip the line and enter through the back, which is what we did.  So we eat, drink and be merry and walk right into the show, front row.  This was all well and good except, this was a sold out venue and in the next 15-20 minutes we were going to be trapped by 1000 other people behind us.  Over the course of the show, we found ourselves getting pushed (and groped) by strangers doing it for the vine trying to get closer to the stage.  My date was nearly trampled and may or may not punched a guy…..or two….and shoved another, and spend half the show with some girl brushing her breasts  up against me and copping cheap feels, my date may have threatened to kick her ass….it was a wild night.  Wild, fun, but never a fuggin gain was my decree as we left the venue.  Simple put, I’m too damn old for General Admission. 

Last week I turned 25….I’m in my mid 20s, I got to buy insurance, I go the barber praying my hairline doesn’t start LeBroning, I rather drink wine at a lounge than turn up at the club, I paid off my credit cards, I’m a big kid now.  Now that I’m on the other side of the twenties hill, there’s times where I have an “I feel old” moment and no one lets me live (cuz a better part of my social circle is 30+ these days and even my 30+ readers are rolling their eyes). But tis true, mid twenty somethings can be “old” too, just like when I get information about a show and my first question is “is there a balcony?”

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Other ways I know I’m getting old…

1. I’m overjoyed I don’t have to see high schoolers on my commutes anymore
2. I purchased running shoes and basketball shoes because I feel the aftere ffects of doing either in any ol sneaker
3. I think about the messages in the songs on the radio
4. Running into people from high school and being addressed by first and last name
5. Feeling like crap when I skip meals or eat too much fast food
6. Getting annoyed by remakes of things from my childhood
7. Strongly considering hiring an interior designer
8. Getting hey boo’d by girls I watched grow up
9. Strongly preferring a massage over sex some nights…..okay I’m lying I want both
10. I told a “when I was your age” story the other day
11. Its been a year and I haven’t purchased a PS4 yet
12. I’ll probably purchase a juicer and a Keurig tho

And unlucky #13

No more surprises.

I could get engaged or be expecting a child tomorrow and no one would blink twice, because at 25, this isn’t peculiar.  No more wrap it up warnings from Pops, no more calling girlfriends “wife” (actually I always hated that sh t, I have a friend who is Facebook married to his girl…he’s 29.). I could take a job in California and no one would protest, not that I couldn’t at 18 but you get my point.  When you get into your 20s, you’re not “too young” for anything now, well except death and complaining about being old in the first place.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ME

25. Twenty Five. XXV. Quarter century. It just sounds old, sorry 30+ reader demographic.  But yes, on this day, Juneteenth 2014, I turn 25, and all I want for my birthday is a big booby heaux. I know the lyric, but ass is so overrated, i barely makes my top 5 favorite feature on a woman. Anyway doe, as I take this day pretend to work and check wall posts, texts, and mentions all day as I’m fake special for the next 24 hours,  it’s also a day to reflect on the child I was, the man I am, the person I hope to be, how you turn from a man to a person, who knows it sounds deep I’m letting it ride, it’s my day.  I believe I’ve said this before but too lazy to reread all my posts but I think the critical stages of persons life is 18, 21, 25, 30 and/or when your child is old enough to see if you aint sh t or not whichever comes first. 18 year old me was young and ambitious, but way too arrogant for my own good, by 21 I became more humble and full of potential, 25 is when I stop talking about it and being about it.   

Now am I where I thought i’d be at 25? Not quite.  Am I better than 21, I’d like to think so. Am I on the path to where I’d like to be at 30?….well let’s break it down.

Career- I remember a quote, not who said it and if I ever make it big I’ll probably act like I made it up but “you’ll never make it where you want to go working 8 hrs a day”.  Simple logic.  I thought back to a few weeks back my company’s CEO held a town hall meeting, gave a collective pat on the back for the hundreds of millions the company is making. I mean seriously, rapper can’t outbrag dude he minds well said he has indoor/outdoor pools.  Now I like my job, plenty of room for advancement but is it something I can say I want to do?
My issue has always been focus, pick a hustle and go.  So much I want to do I havent done much. 

Progress- 17%

Love- Probably more than a career I want a family.  Perhaps it’s why I lack focus, I never had a dream job just a dream life.  Love is spontaneous and sporadic, I can meet my future wife in 10 minutes or 10 years.  I will however assess that I’m at least at a point in my life where I know what I want.

Progress- 33%

Social- I would think all I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend but no, friends, network, experiences I will admit this is perhaps the aspect of my life that’s dipped since 21.  Single, childless, disposable income, this is the time to live but the one man wolf pack is only cool for so long. I’ve outgrown childhood friends, only keep in touch with a few from college, haven’t met many new ones, well except women, which only counts for so much. 

Progress- 6%

Health- I’m way healthier now than 21. Not just necessarily weight, but I’m stronger, faster, and my face clear.  25 is essentially my physical prime, I gotta enjoy it, it’s all downhill for here

Progress- 63%

Happiness- 18 depressed, 21 stressed, 25 impressed, it’s all good now, I’m out the hood now.  As I said my life is far from perfect but at the end of the day I’m making positive steps that I can’t be too hard on myself.  There’s days I wonder why I don’t take this paycheck and run off to California and try and be a writer, or wonder if I picked the wrong school, wrong major, wrong woman but most days I wake up content.  So as I enter this final 5 years of my 20s and look ahead, I’ll continue growing, continue learning, continue living.  I feel blessed to enter my 25th year in this world and blessed for all the opportunities that await. 
And….Happy Birthday toooooooooo meeeeee

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SUPERMAN

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So, I miss her.  

I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry. 

I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world.  She was my muse, my peace, my hope.

With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan my comeback.  I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to read. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.

But what’s the point?  Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary. 

We could never be happy, because she’s unhappy. 

I have to remind myself of that fact when the urge to try resurfaces.  I could make her laugh, smile, swoon, cu…but still, I cannot make her happy. Its a recurring theme as of late, I’m falling out with people for no other reason than life sucks.  All I can do is exhibit patience, continue to reassure but eventually kind words fall on deaf ears.  Eventually “you don’t understand” and “you’re not there” and “you don’t care”, her distancing becomes your kryptonite.  Life has become my greatest foil; looking for love in a market of debt, stress and anguish.  Underemployed or unemployed, broken hearts and broken families, not that I’m remotely special, but I guess I can’t let life take love.  Work will always go “good”, my rants seldom on repeat, I just hate feeling like a burden.  Or maybe misery does need company; maybe I’m just not vulnerable enough?  (Spoiler alert: that’s the topic of the next post)

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I can’t be Superman, I’m a bandaid for a gunshot wound.  Yet I’m stubborn, I try to help anyway but life continues to win.  I can’t undo what her ex did, I can’t make those bills disappear, I can’t wipe away every tear, I can’t just fix her life so she can be with me.  All I can do is hopefully find someone with minimal baggage or someone who likes me enough not to care.  Its a sign of the times I suppose, people put off romance for life all the time, couples marry and have kids later in life if they do so at all, I know plenty of people who just swore off dating indefinitely.  This just might be one of those things I’m on the outside looking in on, my life is far from what I want it to be but shit, I can multitask.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SAFE

Photo by: Elise Amendola / AP …Also #goRedSox

My all time favorite episode of  “Seinfeld” is ‘The Opposite’.  No, this isn’t up for debate.  I feel just like George in the beginning.  Everything I have done up to this point in life has been…well I won’t say wrong…but off.  I have always taken the safe approach to things.  I chose a business major over art because I felt that it was more bang for my debt.  I’ve never done drugs because I don’t like to be out of my consciousness (yet i drink socially so I don’t seem too square #theirony).   Lately, I’ve been doing things out of the norm (i.e. this blog, weight loss, saying no) and it’s been to mixed results.  Some are supportive, others think I’m changing for the worse.  But is it worse for me or them…

For example, “She” resents a lot of things about the “new” me.  Although most of my changes have been more about self improvement, she sees herself as a potential trade up.  I’ve always been her Mr. Good Enough, attractive enough she didn’t have to justify me to family and friends but not enough she felt threatened.  She made more money than me, much more popular, liked me at my lowest basically.  Over time, I’ve lost 60 lbs, got a new job, I’m a lot more social, and rather than being happy she only sees competition.  The potential is no longer a secret, like a great sale she thought only she knew of she doesn’t want anyone to beat her to it. Suddenly the things she loved about me, irked her now.  The tension reached its peak, and it was either her or me. Have you ever loved someone who resents you, not fun at all.  However we’ve been together for years, ups and downs, perhaps these feelings will pass and we can go back to what we were.  Or maybe I just don’t want to start over, playing it safe.

She isn’t the only one.  As I touched on in “Redundacy”, others are feeling left out as well.  Like “she”, they feel threatened that others know about their secret sale.  Threatened enough to give me grief about it, yes, motivated enough to just make the purchase, no. I remain in the “safe” zone, about half a notch about the friend zone, not taken seriously however not ruled out fully.  One in particular, lets call her…”Ms.”, doesn’t want claims or labels but gets jealous like we’re an actual item.    “Ms.” says she only wants what makes me happy as long as its not her yet or anyone else for that matter.  However, there is a connection there that transcends labels, its perhaps why she deals with me despite knowing of others and why I deal with her knowing her commitment issues.  Maybe I should just let her go but I keep her around, playing it safe.

One of the few who seem to be on my side, is “Miss”, who also had her jealous moments but whether its pride or understanding,but hasn’t given me the much grief. BUT She’s also seeing someone now.  The old me would’ve fought for her, won her, and then not know what to do next.  But I’m going the opposite route, I’m not causing any waves, won’t say a word and let things play out.  Yeezy taught me.  Then again as I weigh the pros/cons the main pro is a lack of cons.  She’s attractive, she’s sweet, she’s compassionate but is she what I want? She’s pretty much me in the other situation, I’m not sure if she can take me  seriously, but I’m not sure if I should let it go altogether.  Perhaps I want her because I can’t have her?  What if we don’t work out and I lose her altogether? Is it worth it? For now I’ll leave it alone, playing it safe.

Kanyashian

Good things come to those who wait…perhaps im being loose with the word good

Which brings me to my question: Is playing it safe keeping options open or settling on someone who may not give you everything you want.  What’s the difference between being selfish and standing firm on what you want?

-Stan-

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