I remember my first sip of alcohol, my first pair of Jordans, my first fight, my first kiss, my first time, hell even the first time I cursed. Yet I don’t remember one of the most critical times in my life, the first time I had coffee. Well, I remember vaguely one day my mother asking “since when did you drink coffee?” and suddenly as I got up for school and she for work there was more coffee in pot to account for me. When there wasn’t, there was a Dunkin Donuts down the street from my high school and I would take the bus 3 stops past the school and get cup and walk back up. I don’t remember how or when I started but one morning I drank coffee and have ever since. I was closer to 16-17, while these days I see kids who cant be older than 12 in coffee shops getting their fix. They’re an obnoxious rag tag bunch, already hyper to the point I don’t see how serving them caffeine is not unlike giving a heavily intoxicated person more alcohol. In a perfect world the Soup Nazi would be at the register to declare “NO COFFEE FOR YOU” and send them on their way. Better yet, the Soup Nazi could go ahead and get rid of the rest of these people on my worst people at the coffee shop.
– Anyone who wants to discuss race with their barista
– Any barista who wants to discuss race with their customer
– The One who is so late for work he’s going to spend 15 minutes in line complaining about being in line
– The Intern who has to get 15 different orders for the whole office
– The “Lemme Get Uhhhhhhh….”
– The One who is completely oblivious that their drink is dripping
– The Employee who clearly heard you say half ice and gives you full anyway
– The One who doesnt say thank you when you hold open the door
– The One who doesnt actually like coffee so they get whipped cream and syrup on top like its a damn Sundae
– Anyone under 18 who doesnt work there
– The one who will pronounce Espresso with an Ex and you will like it
– The One who orders Decaf with splenda and dairy free cream…why are you here?
– The Starbucks barista who corrects you when you say Medium. Asshole.
– The One who is there because their friend works there
– The One who remembers their 7th cup free card because I never do
– The One who wants to make small talk when its clear I havent had my coffee yet
– The One who gets an iced coffee when its -12°
– The One who pays with a handful of change from the car
– The One who pays and then remembers they have a coupon
– The One who never throws away the paper from the straw
– The One who could support their local library but insists on hanging out at Starbucks
– The One on their phone they dont realize the other register is open until a second before the person behind them tries to go order and they then cut that person off……wait that’s me. Welp.