I was grabbing coffee with “coworker”, she runs into an old friend. They talk, flirt what have you, I’m chilling sipping my coffee, I’m apparently invisible and whatnot. He goes about his business, she can see me again, She apologizes immediately explains who he is. I don’t care. She seems a little peeved I don’t care, She goes on explaining how she would feel if roles reversed and I could’ve brought up the whole incident at the mixer but decided not to. Instead I countered 1. We’re friends 2. Stan Gemini (well I used my actual government name) doesn’t get jealous. “All men say that but be the first one acting crazy”. She started to tell a story about a jealous guy she dated, I can’t say I was listening fully. He did something reckless and I thought would I ever be pushed to such foolery. She smiled as she recalled, while it was stupid, she felt special, even in reminiscing I could see that.
I find jealousy more annoyance than flattering. Mostly because it’s usually over something that ain’t that serious. Whether it’s an extra cookie or a friendly event planner I forgot to call. Jealousy is typically based off things you can’t control anyway and if you can, then just do it and you would have nothing to worry about, hakuna mutata. But of course, people never see things the way I do. They want to be able to reassure, and laugh at your foolishness, they want jealousy (in moderation).
I try to appease but I can’t, logic just wins every time. You and I both know he has no shot, and if he does then it’s out of my control anyway, why react? Besides that I’m weird, When I get angry, I get rude and sarcastic and make fun of you until I feel better. I used to laugh at “She’s” other suitors, like is that my competition? Cool. Or Maybe it’s not logic, it’s arrogance. Shrug life.
It wasn’t always that way, however. Younger me was definitely the jealous type, but still too proud to show it. Me and “Her” had more of an assumed relationship, so the prospect of her moving on was always there. There was one guy in particular her friends brother who was clearly more convenient than I who was away at school. They had been off/on before I came into the picture, and to her credit, she did kinda go back and forth between us. While I was clearly the better option, he had history on his side something I just couldn’t match. She was my first love, I her second. For a while, I let that eat at me, tried to control something I couldn’t, the past. I became creepy and possessive, it went from cutesy to out of hand. I was so scared of losing her I gave her away. Convinced myself it was what she wanted anyway.
It all came full circle, as my later girlfriends would feel that same type of way about me and her…I never win. Anyway, where is the line drawn between taken for granted and insecurity, jealousy and genuine feelings of concern? I think I’m right in the middle (well it’s my blog I’m always gonna take my side), while I’m not the jealous type I’m not completely oblivious to the fact that I’m not the only person who sees the awesomeness in my boo/girl/friend. Flirt, check her out, ask for her number in a coffee shop like you already knew we weren’t together, I’m chilling. I pick my women wisely (give or take a few) so it’s basically pulling a sword from the stone.