Tag Archives: Jay-Z

Today’s Word is… FOUR

“Can’t turn a bad girl good but once a good girl’s gone bad; she’s gone forever, I’ll mourn forever, got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever” 

That was the realest shit I ever heard. I was only like 13 tho.  Even into my early 20s, “Song Cry”  was my heartbreak remedy.  I didn’t need begging R&B records, Uncle Hov said aye sometimes things break bad, you just got to accept the L and move on.  There wasn’t much personal accountability, it was I KNOW I’m flawed, but you were the best part of us, but now you’re as messed up as me.  How disappointing…welp. New steak, who this.  (issa callback).  Sometimes the villain wins, so yada yada yada Jay ends up with the biggest superstar in the world, lord knows what happened to the Song Cry jawn.  Fast forward to 2017, Jay is once again making the song cry… Except he is crying, and apologizing to himself, to his wife, to his kids, to his sister in law, to the nigga he stabbed, (not to Kanye, Dame, Foxy, or Beanie tho ) and even to me, the youth who fell in love with Jay Z. “Forever macking” Jigga was long gone, this was full blown Uncle Hov, humbled.   Of course, we get older we mature (And sure it took until he was the same age Barack Obama was when he was elected, but hey.) but ultimately, Jay was humbled by what humbles many men, heartbreak and fatherhood.  And sure being beat up in an elevator and being branded a cheater in front of the whole world helps too. 

The humility of heartbreak, actual heartbreak, not you gave your situationship an ultimatum only to learn you didn’t matter that much or your #WCW just doesn’t look at you that way, makes you take a hard look at yourself.  Someone who you thought would love you forever is done with you.  Heartbreak that “Song Cry” or a trip out of town for a few days can’t fix.  I’ve “loved” and lost, went through the motions of someone with a broken heart but in hindsight, my ego was just bruised.   I don’t date exes as a general policy, but maybe I just didn’t love them enough to really earn them back.  Far as I was concerned, they just went bad.  I’ve loved and lost, and it gets to me sometimes. Not just the humbling of being heartbroken but the humbling of being so wrong that I had to teach myself how to trust myself again.  That good girls weren’t just going bad, they were just over me.  Still wondering if it’s even possible to love me forever, am I always just going to burn hot and quick like a supernova.  It took Jay damn near 5 decades to figure out his flaws, what if I’m still blind to mine?  Jay and Bey got a happy ending, but they’re the exception, not the rule.  

The humility of fatherhood, of which I can only speak on as a spectator.  Jay Z who coming up was as chauvinist as he was clever is now close to breaking at the thought of having to explain himself to his children one day.  Most men have a fear their child will grow up and learn they ain’t shit.  Kids are unfiltered too, they go to school and tell all their friends you ain’t got no job and 3 roommates.  I think about my brother, who spent his last on my niece’s gift because *redacted family business* was worth not disappointing her.  I see my cousin at a cookout,  someone who one day *more redacted family business* and now is giving instructions on watching his daughter when all he was doing was going upstairs to shower for 30 minutes.  They are probably more daughter dads as their kids are daddy’s girls.  They make them want to be better men.  

The irony in a girl being born with the burden of a man’s emotional maturity; from her father to the ones she love to the son she may have.  It’s how Jay can say with a straight face that woman 12 years his junior matured faster than him, Kanye’s mother has been gone for a decade and we still blame her for not being around to check him.  Women are simply held to a higher standard, expected to take on a project and just hold on for dear life and hope it works out.  

 I’m not in the clear myself, the man I’ve become and continue to be also came on the backs of the women in my pasts’ emotional labor.  I’ve toyed with emotions, kept people around, tested the limits of their patience.  There was a time that’s where I got my confidence from; being loved, being wanted, even if I didn’t feel the same.  I’m still learning, still growing and I think I can figure it out before I’m 47. Maybe 30. 33?  Okay, at least before I’m somebody’s husband or father.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PLATEAU

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Weight loss update: I’m exactly where I was month ago. D’oh.  I actually did great on Thanksgiving, it was the entire week following it.  I blame egg nog, cheesecake and Domino’s pan pizza.  But what’s done is done and it’s time to get back on track for this finally stretch.  27 lbs in 28 days is utterly impossible (maybe 213 in 2013?, 14 lbs in 4 weeks, is about what 3 lbs a week, yeah maybe thats pushing it as well) so in this final stretch it’s time to get as close to 200 as possible.  Whatever Brandy, almost does count. But first I need to bust out of this plateau… (is it considered a plateau if you lost weight in 2 weeks, gained more back and lost that again to coincidentally break even…I don’t care I’m not changing my word anyway). So alas my plan going forward  get past this plateau and move put more energy to other phases of my life that sucks, you know like the love life, career, lack of network, etc.  To make it easier to remember (and probably a lot harder to write) I’ll name the steps after Jay-Z songs/lines. After all, it is Jigga Day tomorrow, yes Jigga day is an actual day.  I’m not a stan tho.

What Would Jigga Do

What Would Jigga Do

“I will not lose”- The obvious one. I cannot get disheartened.  Granted I expected to be done by now, 100 lbs in 9 months is totally doable according to the internet, maybe because I never actually buy the plans that they plug at the end of the articles. Shrug life.

 A Week Ago ft Too Short- It really was all good just a week ago.  I had conquered the Thinsgiving challenge, I had actually lost weight, so what happened, hubris met hungry.   I started to eat larger portions, ordered out twice, figured I would just burn it off.  Then things came up I wasn’t able to make it to the gym, I walk 2 miles a day but that wasn’t exactly making up for the extra amount I was eating.  Obviously, I can’t do this anymore, can’t allow myself to get cocky now I’m not finished yet.

“Get ya weight up…not ya hate up”– Lifting heavy versus lifting light is a battle as old as left Twix versus right Twix.  There’s benefits to both, lifting heavy builds more muscle which burns more at rest.  Lifting light leads to larger burns during the actual workout. Simple solution do both, focus on getting the most reps at my max weight.  Honestly it’s something I regret not keeping better track of before

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Run this Town ft Kanye West & Rihanna- I need to start running again.  I’ve beat the elliptical to a pulp over the past 9 months, my body is probably too used to it.  Running presents a much needed change of pace even though I’m woefully flat footed and Wu Shin Splints aint nothing to f*** wit.   It’s too cold to run outside (I seriously don’t get how people do it), and I hate treadmills..I’ll figure it out.

“You starting to look like bread”- I tried to cut carbs, but it be calling me.  Carbs make me really lazy, pasta especially, thus not hitting the gym, thus gaining weight.  It also makes me look puffy no Diddy.

At least he's exercising...

At least he’s exercising…

Can I get A… ft Amil & Ja Rule- No more ordering out for real this time.  It’s convenient when I don’t want to wash dishes, forgot to thaw something, etc

Change Clothes ft Pharell- Perhaps the biggest inconvenience of all is that I only fit about 30% of my wardrobe.  I wore a 2x, but probably had even bigger because I didn’t want to look bigger than I already was (it doesn’t make sense but it does).  I’m down to a large (can even pull off ‘slim fit’ clothes although its not really my taste) and all my old clothes are going to be a hefty tax deduction.  So in essence I can’t go back, the bridge is burned.  If that’s not a motivation tactic, I don’t know what is.

So on that note, we’ll see what happens in a month.   Cool, awesome, bye.

-Stan-

 

 

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Today’s Word is… PRIDE

Pause.

“Song Cry” is my favorite Jay-Z song, hell it’s my favorite song period, I even have the original sample, “Sounds Like a Love Song” by Bobby Glenn in my iTunes.  Curse Nelly winning that Grammy over him because white people loved saying “herre” that year but I digress.  The song spoke to me, granted I was too young to really say I could relate relationship-wise but the pride stood out.  I was the kid that always had a smile on his face, regardless how I really felt.  I guess even at a young age I realize the importance of not bringing your problems outside of the home and vice-versa.  Wear your pride on your sleeve and keep your emotions in your pocket, I guess that’s what some would call bottling up, I call it keeping things need to know.

Sometimes it backfires, as I let people and opportunities slip because I’m just too proud to put myself out there.  I know I shouldn’t hold myself back out of fear of rejection or judgment but it’s so much easier said than done.  To be honest my life is spiraling out of control at record speed,but you can’t see it coming down my eyes, so I gotta make this blog cry…

It’s like *cue The Sopranos finale blackout, i’m not even in the mood anymore…*

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INFLUENCE

I don’t take myself too seriously.  For some reason, others do.  As much as I doubt myself, over analyze my own actions, I’m a black Dr. Phil to those around me.  The irony is I typically hate giving advice.  Usually I simply play devil’s advocate, take the other side and argue tooth and nail and allow the person to see strengths and weakness in their own perspective.  At least that’s the angle I go for, which is usually brushed off with an “ugh, I don’t know why I bothered”.   Not to sound full of myself but I’m often copied even subconsciously by others.  I’ve overheard friends using lines of mine, seen outfits copied, lingo used, but again I don’t take myself too seriously. Do me.  However, who influences me? Where the hell is my mentor? Shouldn’t I had one by now?

My father and I always had more of a provider/dependent relationship.  I love him no less that’s just the way we are. I learned from observing primarily.  Of course there were times where he’d break the 4th wall and lecture or put foot to ass if need be, but his approach with me was different than with my other siblings.  Overall, can’t argue with the results:  Honor roll student, never did drugs, no teenage pregnancies, I turned out pretty okay.  Now, I check in with him here and there he might sneak in a lecture but he’s not exactly someone I’d go to for advice.  Perhaps I’m not utilizing this resource but I just can’t see us discussing at length this mess of a dating life of mine.  Leaky faucet, car trouble, who’s winning the game tonight…definitely.

I’m not a big celebrity person.  I’ve met a few athletes, politicians, musicians, its handshakes and small talk.  My favorite artist, Jay-Z, isn’t exactly someone I would emulate outside of wealth accumulation and Beyonce.  I respect the hustle, admire the talent, but never aspired to be the next Jay-Z. I’m a terrible rapper, sneaky talented songwriter but terrible rapper.  My favorite athlete, Michael Vick is someone I also wouldn’t emulate, for reasons beyond the, you know, big one.

As an aspiring writer, well not really aspiring, I like to think my style is unique.  It’s a snarky narrative style, I write how I talk which is where the horrible grammar comes from.  As an artist, my style comes from a variety of sources, Eric Barnes, Basquiat, Henry Ossawa Tanner, every art teacher I ever had, Matt Groening, Carl Barks, Aaron McGruder…as for someone in the accounting field. I still lack that mentor, maybe I should network more.

Behold…my greatest influence

I guess overall, as cocky as it sounds, I influence myself.   I hate failing, I’ve grown to like being the one everyone else turns to, and above all else, I simply know better.  Perhaps, that mentor will come along one day, maybe help guide me in the right direction but for now I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job with simply experiencing.

-Stan-

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