Tag Archives: insecurity

Today’s Word is… HUSKY

[Editor’s Note: So I got a reader email, cool dude. He wanted to see how the weight loss journey was going *hands mic (unlike the ball) to Marshawn* “Thanks for Asking”. He also asked about dating as a heavier dude, the thin line between “accept me at my worst” and “put your best foot forward”. He felt like he should hold off until he felt a little more comfortable with himself physically. Personally, I don’t see why one can’t do both. Anyway, after the exchange it made me think of this old post I never posted as a follow up to “BIG”, about the dating world through the lens of a big dude. Rereading it I liked it more than I did when I wrote it so here goes nothing]

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By and large, body image issues in general are more attributed to women than men.  Men have pursuer privilege (Did I write about this, I couldn’t find a link *shrug*).  Socially, its more common for us to go to the gym, run ball with the homies every week, move the furniture. Overall, men are expected just exude confidence whether you’re built like LeBron James or CC Sabathia.  If male physique is brought up critically, more commonly it’s about some guy who needs to bulk up. There isn’t no Sticks gym for the thin guy (maybe there should be *drafts a business plan*) Anyway, Poor Snoop Khalifas, this post aint about y’all either. I don’t know that life.  For most of my life I’ve always been a bigger dude.  Some times way bigger than others but much like my pops, I’m solid and broad.  Don’t wear skinny jeans cuz my quads don’t fit.  I’m more confident in my 20s then maybe my later teens, rolling my eyes as every Tom, Dick and Harry called me “Big Man”, “Big Guy”, being compared to every big black dude on TV (poor little black boys probably being called Terio now, hold ya head lil homies), and when it came to dating, the deck is always stacked against me to make up in charm what I’m lacking in physical appearance.  It’s not exactly the same plight of the big girl, but it isn’t that easy, and I’m actually handsome. (Yeah I’m tired of being humble in 2015).  I approach who I’m attracted to, it either works or it doesn’t, take the curves and go home (double #auntandre). But it took me a while to get to that point, before then it was a struggle.

It was bad enough that I was already an introvert; wary of being bothersome to others. So I did plenty of women the courtesy of not having to awkwardly rejecting me by counting myself out. I barely found myself attractive, of course she didn’t. When I did find myself talking to a woman I addressed the elephant in the room, that was me, large being with a long trunk (dry, self effacing humor….kinda my schtick then). It was somewhat twisted, the confidence I gained by laughing at myself before someone else could. Some women actually found it endearing, but then came another can of worms that was dating someone “out of my league”. Always the self aware, I worried more about how her stock fell being associated with someone like me. Was I “but he has a great personality” guy? Did she like me as is, or tolerated it for now? I would become insecure and paranoid, and suddenly I wasn’t the silly, sweet guy that got her in the first place. When the flame extinguished, I had no one to blame but myself.

Then well….you can see in very early posts here, I struggled with being the “safe” guy until I finally decided to really do something with my weight yada yada yada, I still get played. Because now I’m too much of a flirt and getting big headed. See, now ain’t that a bitch. The moral of the story being, every man takes a loss here and there, big, small, short and tall. Attraction is relative and I’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea (maybe if I’m famous). You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take so stay low and keep firing. Never know who gon do like Short said and let Bruce Bruce hit it.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HOE

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Rood.

So my Twitter feed was abuzz about Lil Bow Wow and his wife to be Erica Mena of Love & Basketball Divas Atlanta? She’s from whichever show that had that lightskinned dude who cried in front of that Olivia girl who used to be in G-Unit when 50 Cent was the biggest star in music.  (I abhor VH1).  Apparently, Ms Mena has had 324 sexual partners and Mr 106 and Park should’ve checked the odometer.  For what its worth, I don’t believe this unsourced story also if she’s nearing 30, let’s assume sexually active for a decade that’s about 2-3 partners a month.  But its Twitter so the jokes gonna fly, then people are going to stop laughing and start psychoanalyzing about “body counts” and respectability politics as usual. What it boiled down to is that Like Mike committed the cardinal sin of manhood, he’s wifing a “ho”. 

Since the dawn of time, man has been taught to fear the “ho”.  Don’t love these hoes, they ain’t loyal, don’t turn them into housewives, they’re for everybody.   You are to enjoy yourself and then shame them, because ha ha harlot, you thought you could sleep with me and then break my heart but no, I will leave YOU first….or something.  Basically, don’t associate yourself with “hoes” because they’ll use you and break your heart….quite a delicate sentiment from seemingly macho misogynists. Theres a level of shame that is supposed to be cast upon a man who commits to a hoe, he’s got to be naive, a simp or just desperate.  Why else would someone “pay” for what they presumably can get for free.  Treating a woman like a human, pssh where they do that at.   While I actually question the sincerity of this Wow/Mena union, similar sentiments were said about Wiz/Amber, and Kanye/Kim etc (these are all rappers; so were they supposed to meet a nice girl in college?).  In real life, we’ve either dated a woman with a past or bust the chops of a homie that did.  As men, as hunters, you’re simply supposed to know better and when you don’t, its heavily frowned upon. 

The conundrum is that everyone has their own definition of who and what a hoe is.  It could be

The aforementioned body count, her profession, how soon you hit, where and what she has tattooed, how she dresses, she cheated, she sends nudes, her twitter avi, she has a kid, who’s her friend, her government name, relationship with her father, she likes porn, she writes erotica, she likes Gucci Mane, she’s bisexual, she averages 50 Instagram likes, she owns a waist trainer, she does yoga, she eats breakfast, she has a big forehead, she has or has owned a Nissan, she has gone enrolled in college more than once and didn’t finish, she put tired of drama and games on her online dating profile….

So basically, marry a prude, turn her into a “hoe” for you and if you ever break up now she’s tainted and no other dude would want her because she’s a hoe….got it.

Or

Just get over your ego and date a woman and trust your own judgement.  I judge off the present, I could seriously date a woman who accepts and grew from her past, a woman who is a “club hostess” on Instagram, probably not.  I’ve had long term happy relationships with women who I slept with on the first date, I got cheated on by a graduate student.  There is no cheat code, life hack, equation, survey, combine to tell you who is the right woman for you and assuming every attractive woman is a how, well good luck with that.  Don’t trust women with breast tats tho.  That one is science.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… DEFENSE

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So recently the photo of Flotus flower bomb Michelle Obama raining on the President’s parade made it’s rounds on the internet and while the conservative media was happy to run with the angry black woman angle most of us laughed and lauded Mrs Obama’s impeccable defense. Defense is a slippery slope, on one hand you should trust your partner to know better but still there’s times when one must simply remind others around them that this one’s spoken for. There’s levels to this sh t; there’s subtle gestures which are clever and effective; and there’s full blown confrontation, which is never a good look for anyone. When you’re in a relationship, no matter who you are there will be times where you have to play defense, and when the moment arises you can play it cool or make an ass of yourself. Knowing when and how is key, there’s a difference between confronting a waitress who merely smiled at your boyfriend and grabbing his hand when you see someone checking him out.

“So who’s this Siri you keep talking to”

The Trojan War was started over a woman, the survivor traveled the war for a decade, got home and killed a mob of men for his woman. These days, men have gone full Washington Taterskins when it comes to playing defense. *cue rimshot* The “every night I got to fight to prove my love” (gold star if you got this reference) guy is long gone. Today’s man is more cocky and assume their girl is the sword in the stone only he can yield. I’m not one to play defense, perhaps it’s arrogance but if I’m handling business on my end then there’s nothing to worry about. If my good is not good enough then I picked the wrong one to begin with. If I have to worry about who she with, where she at, where she going, then I ought to worry who I’m with, where we at, where we’re going? People are loyal to a fault, relationships are optional if you’re that uncomfortable, leave, you don’t need evidence or a conviction by a jury of their peers. Confrontation is never a good look, only thing that can come from it is getting your ass kicked or playing yourself. I’ve gotten calls/texts from guys asking about my relationship with their lady, whether there was or wasn’t something going on they already are losing…badly. There’s nothing more demoralizing than having someone else reassure you that your lady is being faithful. Okay, there is one thing, and that’s getting your ass kicked by the same guy who is slaying your queen.

Women these days are much more defensive minded. It’s a point of pride, we all know somebody who know somebody who’s fighting tooth and nail for an ain’t sh t guy because she’ll be damned to “lose” him to her. Where men are arrogant, women are not as much, they guard the stone for which the stone is stuck from even insects, not on their watch will anyone take what should be assumed as theirs. The sidechick doesn’t even have to actually exist, the mere idea of one is enough to keep some women on their toes. I’ve had girlfriends step to neighbors, coworkers, exes online, just to make sure that her presence was felt. As far as confrontation, they’ve picked up where men left off, they take up arms for their man. Look no farther than the Sharkeisha video…started over some guy who she’ll probably never think about 3 years from now. You see women having kids to keep men around, forgiving infidelity just to be able to have him come home to her, you can’t help but wonder if it’s more about him or them.

As partners, men and women have limited patience with s/o’s who insist on playing defense more often than not to the detriment of their own offense. She’s worried about whose pictures he likes on instagram, oblivious to the fact he’s unhappy about a lack of communication. He’s so worried about her “work husband” he doesn’t even realize she’s fed up with his drinking. This goes back to my previous point, if you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, there’s nothing to worry about on your end. In relationships, the best defense is a good offense. You know what they say, what you won’t do…

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ABANDONMENT

Started with an email, now we here. Actually, this was an entirely different post a few days ago, what started off as a question about dating someone with abandonment issues, it became “wait….do I HAVE abandonment issues?”. I had stumbled across an old article on YourTango, “5 Ways Abandonment Issues Can Ruin Your Relationships“. I mean I’m shy, I end relationships not for what they are but more for what they won’t become, falls in love fairly hard, always courting if you read up on it, I seemingly fit the mold.  I don’t think I’m afraid of being alone or rejected, I’m alone now….kinda.  I mean yes I do need reassurance in a relationship, but who doesn’t. (Okay I think I set a record for most shameless plugs in the first 100 words of a blog post). There’s a method to my madness, when I wrote each of those posts they were all at different times with different mindsets, there’s times I like to write in series but I never realized how it all fits from afar. Maybe I do have abandonment issues, it would explain a lot, but so does me just knowing what I want and having limited patience for anything less because I really don’t have to. Okay, that sounded extremely cocky…let’s just go with abandonment issues for now.

Keeping things strictly on a dating front (abandonment in my life as a whole is a pandora’s box i’m not even going to try and touch). There’s been plenty of times I’ve been “abandoned”, some I saw coming, others blindsided me. What probably hurt more than the actual rejection was that now I had to question my own instincts. A blog of this nature allows me do a lot of reflecting, even if I don’t actually write about it, the thoughts are there. There’s situations I think about and get upset all over again and I hate that it does. Every now and again I will have baby blues and will think about what could’ve been with “Her”, I’ll tell “Dessi” something and I’m quickly reminded of the only 2 people I had shared that with previously. My relationships have ended much sooner now than in the past, maybe that’s good I’m not wasting time or maybe I’m becoming too jaded. I want to go into each new situation clear minded but I can’t help but notice trends. You can’t unsee red flags.

I can become blind to them when feelings overcome instincts. Smart enough to know better, too open to give a fuck. I wanted to be with “Ms” so badly I overlooked the 29482 reasons why it was not going to work, and when it didn’t what was worse than the actual falling out was that I let myself down. That carried over to “Miss” so at the first sign of trouble I bailed. Then I realized I was being too closed off so when “Special” came around I put back on the blinders and got burned again. Now, I find myself in a new situation unsure how to play it, there’s unbelievable chemistry but there’s obvious setbacks, even coworkers can tell if we’re on good or bad terms because my mood is that impacted….and that terrifies me.

So maybe I might have a slight, mild, moderate case of abandonment issues. If you’ve read this blog enough, you should know I really really suck at this whole love thing. I’m the Matt Schaub of this here. So of course I’m guarded, perhaps I overthink, maybe I’m in my own way. I’ve at least come to know what it is I want and I’m not abandoning that pursuit.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… NEXT

There’s few places like the barbershop.  It’s the daytime gentleman’s club, the man cave, the original #blacktwitter.  Over the years, I’ve heard it all in the barbershop from when I was a kid to now.  Of course back then I was just laughing when they did just to fit in, now I’m a grown man who not only knows exactly what they talking about, but equipped with a few tales of my own to tell. So during my last visit, the topic broached…well I surely can’t say it here.  I will say the shop was evenly split between pro and against.  Team Pro debated valiantly and close their argument with the age old defense:

“What you won’t do, the next one will”

This mantra I typically see hurled towards women, that you must always have your head on a swivel because they outchea plotting on you, is something I’ve only half agreed with. While I agree that in a relationship you should always continue to evolve and never assume their satisfaction, the next one will logic is flawed.  One should be driven to please their partner not just who else might could.  S/Os don’t play defense. 

Bringing it back to the barbershop, the discussion switched to the man, the myth, the legend; the “next man”.  The next man, side dude, dirty mack, mister-ess etc, is an interesting character.  He serves different purposes to the relationship. Obviously to her, he’s the complementary piece, what she’s not getting from her she will get from him.  Attention, affection, affirmation. However, the next man is always a role player at best.  No matter how many voids he fills, and even though studies suggest women who are unfaithful typically develop some true feelings for the other man, he’s just the complement, rarely a real threat to the incumbent. Been there.

As for the man, his job to make him extremely uncomfortable.  Men are ego driven, if she was to leave for any reason, the last thing a man wants is another man.  There’s nothing more humbling than losing your queen to a personified Trey Songz record.  With that, it was the next man who got men to wear thighs like Bane masks, the next man who threw back throwbacks (sorry Hov), the next man who got you banging out that extra set at the gym, the next man made you want to learn how to cook. The next man continues to set the bar higher and higher and forces you to adjust to the new market.  He’s a necessary evil, as without him enters comfort, a gift and a curse.  There has to be a healthy fear that if you’re not handling business, you’ll become expendable. 

Here comes the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. The “next man” represents what she’s not getting from her man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s another man she’s getting it from. The “next man” can be freedom, a clean slate, being able to trust again. That is what makes the next man the ultimate temptation, and while she must resist, the man mustn’t make it too easy.  The other grass will always look greener when you’re not watering yours. The next man is always lurking in the shadows waiting for that 3rd missed call, waiting for you to not notice that new haitstyle, waiting for you to say “nah, I :don’t do that”.  

So how legitimate of a threat is the next man? As legitimate as you let him be.  There’s a reason Mark Sanchez and Kyle Orton kept hearing Tim Tebow’s footsteps while the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys chilling out miaxing relaxing all cool.  If I know I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be, there’s no need to be out here overcompensating like some of my fellow barbershop patrons.  I respect the respect the game, that should be it, what the next man eat….

-Stan-
   

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Today’s Word is… REASSURANCE

One of my guilty pleasure shows to watch is “Hardcore Pawn”.  While I typically hate seeing black people making a fool of themselves on national TV, the hilarity is too much to ignore.  When there isnt a crackhead trying to get a deal, there are genuine sellers who come in with impressive things and it’s crazy how quickly their figure drops.  I’ve seen guys come in expecting thousands of dollars and wind up leaving with $50.  Some had unrealistic expectations but for the most part its because Les, the primary owner, no matter what the price is, will drop it about 75% and you can just see the defeat in the seller’s face.  Some will come back but for most its that first blow that you know they lost.  No matter how much research they did online prior, no matter how much money they actually need, once they start to feel uncomfortable and insecure, it’s over.  You want to yell at the TV, “dude he’s robbing you blind” but that’s the power of insecurities, Les makes your most prized possessions seem like trash.

In relationships, insecurity works the same way.  No matter how pretty you are, how great a mate you think you are, if the person you’re appealing to says it’s not good enough, you feel its not good enough.  The inverse would imply that if that same person made you feel like Beyonce Michelle Oprahma, no one can tell you nothing.  In Hardcore Pawn, Les isnt in the business of boosting egos, he’s a shark, he will break you down, and make you feel lucky to take that $50.  In relationships, the manipulative type will make you feel worthless and that you’re lucky to take whatever semblance of a relationship they are offering.   But in an ideal relationship, a healthy one, the person will constantly reassure.

Admittedly, it was something I never put too much stock in.  It was frustrating honestly, you know I love you, you know you’re beautiful, do I really need to say it over and over and make a Bruno Mars song out of it?  I’m with you I’m not going anywhere, why isn’t that enough?  Apparently not. As I continue to meet more and more women who are dealing with security issues, it’s almost a requirement. 
To be fair, men and women do like some reassurance, at work and at home.  If my boss said, “of course I think you’re doing well, did I fire you yet?” I would probably laugh at the sheer bluntness but I guess I would not quite feel too secure or special.   But as far as relationships go do men need reassurance too?  Men are demoralized, labeled ain’t sh t, rejected constantly, yet we take it all in stride.  Or do we need to be reassured of the things we didn’t get in the last relationship, typically trust, respect, communication. Relationships takes its toll on both sides and somewhere we have to  recoup those losses from our next mate whether its fair or not.

So as tedious as it seems, I’m sure whomever I meet next wants to be reminded she’s beautiful, that she’s more than good enough for me. I will want to be reminded I’m trusted, that my words still have meaning. She wll reassure me of love as I will her, even billionaires want to know what they’re worth.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INSECURITY

Dramatization.

It was about 8-9 years ago.  I’m at the local pizza shop grabbing some food, next thing you know I’m getting rock bottomed.  I should’ve just had called for delivery. I’m immediate turned on my stomach and trying to get a glance at my assailant, I see two shiny shoes and an navy pants, it’s the good ol Boston Police.  I’m searched frantically by one as the other watches with his gun aimed directly at my royal blue du-rag, they grab my wallet and let me up and escort me out as the staff and other patrons wonder what the hell just happened here.  I’m stare at the two men, trying to discreetly read their badge numbers in case I got a broken rib of something.  Apparently I fit the description of someone who was reported carrying a gun,  they run my name, nothing.  A girl from the neighborhood passes by and says “oooh Tristan what did you you do” “Being black on a Thursday” I responded. Technically I was right, I wouldn’t fit a description if I was white, but I digress.  The first cop, a mid to late 30s white guy chuckles and shakes his head, the other a taller heavy set black guy wasn’t amused.  Thinking about it now I can see why he was offended, perhaps he didn’t like his blackness being questioned *shrug*.  Perhaps in one of the earlier forms of YOLOing, I became somewhat smart with the officers, my side hurt, I was hungry, and I was a straight A student at one of the best high schools in the city, I only dressed otherwise.  I knew I didn’t do anything wrong so why worry…

Black cop don’t care. Black Cop don’t give a sh*t

That’s my same view on relationships, even fat, black and ugly as ever, I never found myself insecure in a relationship after 2007 .  I look at it this way, if I know I’m doing everything in my power to keep her happy, then I have nothing to worry about, Hakuna Mutata.  As I said in my last post, that insecurity stems from within, either feeling like you’re not good enough or knowing that you’re doing enough.  I’ve been the insecure one and it ruined a good thing, I’ve been with insecure women and it ruined a good thing.  I’ve also been on the other end of the spectrum where I became too comfortable and it backfired and where she has and the same.  So it begs the question should there be a healthy amount of insecurity in a relationship, or is it always trouble?

Early in my dating life I was very insecure, fledgling confidence, feeling pressure to catch up to my peers (lies) relationships.  I blew up phones, I dropped L bombs everywhere, I dated “safe” women (and somehow still got played…smh), I was afraid to be alone and as a result I set myself up for failure.

After getting played I went ahead and switched my style up, I showed little to no emotion at all.  I dated vulnerable girls who I knew wouldn’t leave if I begged them to.  This didn’t last long because that’s how you end up with stalkers who pop up at your job, neighborhood and all over your social networks, smh.   I wasn’t giving my all and they were and they would be damned if they didn’t get it.

Cray.

 

I’m over it. Seriously.

Karma was paying attention, because soon I found myself feeling neglected and insecure again.  Enter “Her” and umm lets call her…”Madame” (i’m running out of code names, about to assign shapes or colors lol). With “Her”, the insecurity stemmed from the fact that I first took her from someone else, would she turn around and do the same to me.  Later, she would leave me for the pettiest of reasons to the point I just didn’t felt like I could ever make her happy.  Factor in some legit things I did I won’t get into and suddenly I find myself letting “Her” go for good.  I knew we couldn’t work, there was too much heartbreak we needed a clean slate.  Followed by “Madame” who just didn’t seem to care about anything.  “Madame” is the only one I would believe if someone told me she cheated on me, but I did care about her…I think…I’m still not sure what drew me to her besides materialism and superficiality.  Which brings me to “She”, the insecure one.   I’ve brought her up on this blog way too much it would seem Drake-ish to touch on again.

So back to my initial question, is there a healthy amount of insecurity for a relationship.  Should one always have doubts and fear that one would leave or should both have without a shadow of a doubt security about theirs?  If the latter, then what is the incentive is there for one to change or try to improve?  I think one should always be slightly wary of competition, whether its another person or simply the allure of a single life.  However, there is a middle ground, where you’re constantly trying to keep you and yours secure but there’s an understanding that your job is not done.  No matter how happy you (think you and your mate) are, there’s always room for improvement.

-Stan-

 

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