Tag Archives: FWB

Today’s Word is… ROMANTIC

So I had stumbled upon this article (don’t leave NOW, go back to it later…RUDE.) the other day about the idea of a “romantic booty call”. The writer, fresh off a breakup, is where we’ve all been. Not really looking to get back out there but not quite used to going extended periods without sex. So you venture out into the dating world which might as well be the Upside Down from Stranger Things. The writer has an “epiphany” of sorts, that when she tells men that she’s a romantic, they simply don’t know how to process it so they assume she’s looking for love and they default to the tried and true method of lowering her expectations. Jokes on them, she’s just in this for the sex. She could just say that but it’s easier to make them squirm. (#DontDateWriters). As she puts it, “women live such multidimensional lives with a huge range of interests, ambitions, and opportunities at our fingertips — casual lovers included.” Basically, you ain’t got to lie to kick it.

Last year (damn time flies), I touched on casual sex and my struggles with it. Ironically, it was the same thing that she’s lamenting, (it’s almost like men aren’t just horny cavemen who are confused by nuance) the struggle of being a romantic but not wanting a relationship can be real tho. We can sleep together, have a great time with each other, kiss and say we love each other but the reality is, the reason we ain’t actually together is because at least one of us doesn’t want to be. But saying you’re just good enough to sleep with is cruel to say out loud and so we play verbal gymnastics. Speaking personally, I’m someone who takes my relationships very seriously; and so, if I don’t see a long term future I adjust accordingly. However, that reality of “I want you but I don’t WANT you” is a tough pill for one to swallow.

With that the idea of a “romantic booty call” sounds ideal, all of the relationship perks with none of the baggage, that’s the dream right? There’s a lot of middle ground between “dick appointment” and “boyfriend”. Hooking up with random people gets old by 23…you want familiarity and consistency (and worry free annual physicals). So does having a new bae every 3 months because you enjoy each other’s company and that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

Can the romantic booty call work? Yes…but only temporarily. No one is going to just be around forever. No one wants to just be around forever. “I’m not looking for a relationship” guy is going to find someone else eventually, your FWB is going to take that job out of town because who is staying around for a “friend”, his wife is eventually going to find out. All good things come to an end, B. At least the way I see it, perhaps there’s a society of people who simply don’t believe in relationships, but are down to do romantic things platonically I’m simply not privy to. Or an even more novel idea, just stop treating sexual partners like shit as a means to establish boundaries and there’d be no need to romanticize the fwb who actually let’s you spend the night in the first place.



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Today’s Word is… CASUAL

So let’s talk about sex (barely.)  I’m not necessarily a big fan of casual hookups; an arrangement that is intended for convenience is actually full of rules and regulations because lord forbid someone catches feelings.  Everyone has their own method to keep them feels away, no kissing, don’t call before a certain time, no spending the night, no cuddling, no eye contact…for all this effort to feel detached why not just leave money on the nightstand. (Oh yeah, laws and shit). I’m the worst kinda casual hookup, I like affection, going out, and what’s otherwise deemed “relationship shit” while also maintaining the consistency that is not wanting your ass. Essentially,  I’m a Gemini. I recently learned that people have clear distinctions between a jump off, fuckbuddy, and friends with benefits while I never really saw the point in creating an upper single class.  To me it’s still rejection; “I only like you enough to sleep with”.  It’s the inconvenient truth behind casual hookups. *whispers*  You are either sleeping with someone who isn’t what you want or you aren’t what they want. 

*Funk Flex bombs*

For whatever reason or several, it just ain’t on that relationship trajectory and so you’re just enjoying the Netflix and chill. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, just call it what it is.  Some people can keep that arrangement happily for years, most can’t. (Debate your cat). Way back when, my coping mechanism was denial.  I reveled in it for a while, psssh unattached sex? Bet.  Like that time I met this girl at this frat party…

…and it turned out they were a couple. Anyway, even the come thru dude is eventually going to wonder why y’all can’t at least grab dinner sometime, or feel a type of way about the way you said you could NEVER date someone like them.  Its not necessarily “catching feelings” as much as it’s just “damn, that’s how you see me?”

It’s common practice for the less invested party to deflect, like in that TheNeighborsSoiree and Drake Come and See Me song; the girl is like, can you not just call me drunk late at night to come thru, act like you have some couth. They proceeded to make her valid concern into a catchy hook like yo she tripping. It was a truth I had to face with someone, that it wasn’t poor timing or the past…it was just never going to be her.  She didn’t “catch feelings” for me, she recognized her place in my life and dipped out.  I wish her well.  I would’ve done the same roles reversed (or at least waited until I met someone cuz who really tryna be quitting jobs without another lined up…but God is still working on me).  

So what did we learn here?  Casual sex is great!!! (Provided don’t catch feelings, manage expectations, and have little to no desire to pursue an exclusive relationship) …or at the very least just lie to yourself.  It’s human nature to get attached to people you’re smashing as well as the resentment that comes when you are attachment to someone who isn’t yours.  Yet it’s hipper to pretend we don’t care about these things.  (Yes, millenial girl with the septum piercing I know YOU’RE the exception you love to hook up with guys and you never feel a thing, you’re awesome).  It could be so much simpler if we would all just stay single, stick to our standards, and not entertain or smash anyone we aren’t serious about….

I hate it here.  


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Today’s Word is… BAD

When I start off posts with a song it’s usually because I like it/relate to it.  This is not one of them.  The above track is a song I don’t particularly like, “Bad” by Wale. It’s like those twitter/tumblr quotes I also don’t particularly care for. For those who haven’t heard the song, it’s essentially about a woman who self proclaims she’s damaged goods and unworthy of meaningful love, but she ride that thing like a rodeo champ tho. Its a clever play on the word “bad”, but the song, the message itself. Meh. It’s all too a relevant mantra however, as it seems some are embracing it. Years of failed relationships have all but told them they simply aren’t worthy of one. Why not just settle for physical needs instead. But hey c’est la vie.

I’m weird.  I’m not one of those OMG sex is most precious thing in the world you must treasure it always type, but I’m also not one to just touch anybody.  A “bad” chick wouldn’t interest me however, I need a little more from you.  However, I’ve sure accounted for my fair share, exes, flings, neighbors who are offering nothing but golden tickets or assume that’s all they’re good for.  Enter CC, an old summer flame.  Now me and CC, met at a party, exchanged numbers, ran into each other at another party hooked up that same night. Only God can judge me.  But the thing was as we talked more, we liked each other.  We started doing more coupley things, nothing official no pressure, until she told me

“I’m afraid of commitment”

It was odd.  I’ve seen/heard of men using that line, never a woman.  Not that I wanted a relationship but it was an interesting pre emptive strike that made me inquire deeper.  She basically explained she was over relationships all the people she dealt with lied and cheated so why do it to herself.  I guess I understood.  However, I wasn’t a strictly FWB guy. I wasn’t just going have sex and then show her the door, there’s something cold and robotic to that.  We can be friends, we can hang out, you’re watching too many movies.  It was funny I didn’t want her but it was the principle.  So I called her bluff, stopped calling, texting, chilling, come thru, go home.  Ultimately it fizzled out, I’m a courter. I’m a charmer. I’m a hunter. I need something else to hold my attention. 

What was sad about CC and a few others like her was that they all but conceded on the notion they were worthy partners and just decided to get in where they fit in.  Just last week, I had someone pour out her heart to me then turn around and sleep with someone else the next night.  Well, now this is awkward. Her rationale; that was just sex she wants more from me.  Ummm I’m flattered?  It’s ironic really, men typically are accused of just chasing skirts until they reach a point they say, now I’m ready for love.  These “bad” women are essentially doing the same thing.  Men are constantly being told to step up, appreciate a good woman when you have one, shouldn’t these women be held to that same standard?

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