Tag Archives: friendzone

Today’s Word is… READY

 

I never really believed in being “ready” for a relationship.  What was there to be ready for?  You want me or you don’t. Find someone you like,  be with that person, fin. To me, not yet means not you.  I can look back at the times when I was “working on me” or “needed time” and honestly say it was just never going to be them. (Sorry)   I know myself, and I know I’m not that selfless to pass up on someone special to work on me.  Someone “cool”? Probably. Even now, I could say I’m chilling on the dating front…the right person comes along and I’ll jump right off that cliff.  I don’t know no better. It’s the flaw of the romantic; to go with the possibility, the potential, the idea that you can go through it together. It’s sweet, but admittedly naive.  Life isn’t like the movies. 

In the romantic comedy,  the jaded, heartbroken career person gets pressured by their best friend to go on the date in the first place, they are charmed by the person, then they screw it up because jaded and heartbroken, and then they realize the error of their ways, and it’s happily ever after.  In real life, someone tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship, you try tirelessly to win them over to no avail, at best y’all are sleeping together, at worst you’re just “a friend”.  It cuts you like a knife, that they can’t see that this can be their forever but you also can’t bring yourself to leave because they make you happy. You’ve convinced yourself that one day your efforts will be rewarded, but they never are. You get fed up.  You call them out, you talk about everything you do for them…they will retort tell you they never asked you to.  You’ll be checkmated because they are absolutely right.   

Like the Great Auntie Maya says, When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  They tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them.  They change their mind…well… I’m torn.  My gut would say don’t; they had a chance and passed, now for all you know someone they DID want curved them and here they is coming back to you.  Keep your heart, 3 stacks.  My head would say, good… now make her earn YOU.  But I’m working on being a better person in 2017. My heart would say, this is still the person who made you excited about what’s possible again.  Yes, they are late to them the party but they arrived nonetheless.  
A lesson I’m still learning: everyone just won’t see things my way. (The world would be so much better if they did, instead we have Bigots in Chief and people still eating bland blood colored chocolate and calling it “velvet”).  As someone who knows what he wants the second he sees it, I can’t take it (too) personally when someone may just be too busy with work, or needs to work on themselves first, has their reservations, or kinda hates men at the moment.  That sometimes people just aren’t with trying to fix things on the fly.  (Inefficient, really…but I digress). So while for me, “not ready for a relationship” is a soft curve but for others it can mean just that.  Next thing you know you gonna tell me dogs actually eat homework.  

Pursuer privilege is also a factor here. If I’m not ready for a relationship, I can simply stop dating, stop entertaining, just chill.  I don’t really have to worry about someone coming along who is everything I want and having to really assess if I’m ready to do this. (Because women I’m don’t/shouldn’t shoot shots…but that’s another post).  For me to pursue someone on my own accord and then say I’m not ready.  It’s not me, it’s them.  Even if maybe I pursued them and they just went 0-60 with it, again…not my actual readiness for a relationship it’s my readiness for theirs. Saying I’m not ready, just sounds cleaner…and after I leave y’all this game don’t say I never gave you nothing:

(If they actually didn’t know what they wanted, they wouldn’t be shopping in the first place.)
Happy New Year. 

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… UNREQUITED

I believe those ghost hunters shows are full of shit.  I believe Adnan did it. I believe we aren’t alone in the Universe.  I believe Jay Z really cheated.  I don’t believe unrequited love is really love.  Perhaps I’m a love purist, I believe love starts at reciprocity.  I don’t believe that you can truly love someone whonever loved you back, that it’s longing, its projection, its not love.  Maybe that’s the INFJ in me, I require balance, returned affection,  shared energy or I shut down.  I can’t see myself tirelessly trying to make fetch happen and getting nothing in return.  I was having this conversation with a friend who disagreed vehemently.  Who was I to discount someone’s feelings? It’s arrogance.  I guess….but I’m not so much dismissing feelings as much as I’m wondering aloud, what are you loving?  

I’ve been on both sides of this coin, piner and pinee…truthfully I don’t know which is worse. (Piner is worse)  For most of my early life my “love” was unreturned, I fell hard and fast for anyone who paid me any mind.  I said I love you because it felt like what you were supposed to do, I got curved and you couldn’t tell me Lenny Williams and I wasn’t feeling the same pain.  Except, he was literally losing his world and I barely knew this girl.  He reminiscing the kisses, the moments, the love and I was really really sure I maybe might could like her.  It was practically the same thing. All curves matter yo.  You couldn’t tell me my pain wasn’t real…eventually I could tho.  I can look back and say I was doing the most. Rejection sucks, but I didn’t love those women.  I didn’t know them enough to love them, they didn’t know me enough to love me. 

As the pinee, it’s…awkward.  Sometimes I even wish I could return the feelings just because I hate uncomfortable situations.  I can admit I was a little naive in the past, I flirted, I teased completely oblivious to the feelings my actions my engender.  Sometimes I just assume they know better than to actually shoot their shot.  But feelings gon feel I suppose. Nevertheless,it still wasn’t love they felt.  They never seen me in a romantic light to love me.  Ask them why they love me and its all about possibles and singing if weeeeeeee like Jeremih. Full disclosure,  I’m awesome, but all they know is what seems like a really good idea.  Which is all well and good but…still not love.  Especially when all I’m giving in return is jokes and the occasional compliment.  I don’t even deserve it, really. How did we get here?

So what do you call these unreturned, projected feels? Is unrequited love already considered a lower quality of love so much so we can let them sit with us?  Nigga, I guess.  Love is beautiful, magical, freeing…yet these days its so commonly associated with hurt and heartbreak.  Unrequited jawns feel their love is the same because the hurt hurts but if you’ve never felt the high that mutual healthy love has given you…you doing it wrong. Stressing about exes you never dated, loving people who never earned it. Y’all got it.  Maybe I’m splitting hairs here. Unrequited love can come to the cookout. Better bring ice and foil at least.

-Stan-

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So the other day, I spoke on partners and the difference between being a lover and a friend.  Obviously, every relationship needs a friendship so why is it that you are just so awesome that you aren’t inevitably chose?  There’s the more obvious ones; attraction and deal breakers but then there’s the much undersold element of “maintenance”; sometimes you are just so chill one doesn’t take you seriously.  We hear people bitch talk about the friendzone and the perils of being nice to someone who won’t sleep with you.  For what its worth, I consider myself pretty low maintenance and I’ve also seen it backfire in my own face.  So afraid to ruffle feathers or put my foot down then I either ended up resentful or neatly put away….way over there….in a corner…by myself. 

Too often we downplay standards, avert expectations; you still single, take some search filters off.  Then you find someone who you didn’t really want in the first place and to add insult to injury you’re bending over backwards to hold on to this relationship which wasn’t remotely what you ordered.  Why? Because you didn’t want to be high maintenance or too good.  The Steve Harveys of the world continue to preach said logic, especially to women because an ain’t shit man is still a man…its get chose or get froze out here.  Sometimes you just settle into that mindset on your own, and maybe its not important he texts “come thru” in lieu of formally asking out, yeah let’s just see where things go even though you’re obviously seeing other people.  Sure you can ignore me for weeks at a time and who am I to even question it. Netflix, video games, football I’m with it.  Fast forward and they complaining to you about the high maintenance person they ARE dating and you’re like….I thought you wanted the opposite of that. I thought you wanted…me.  (The memories…. Ouch….)

We’re a capitalist society, we equate price to quality.  We love bargains and open box specials but we also know the value of things.  So while we might trample over the elderly and small children the day after being thankful for what we own already to get a $200 40″ TV, that same TV offered for $1000 on a regular Tuesday, we probably won’t bother, $100; we grow suspicious.  Applying that logic, the super high strung people usually price themselves out (or snag someone who tends to overcompensate) and the super chill low maintenance person with no standards.. you tend to wonder what’s their deal? They come off as pushovers or desperate and it turns people off

Why? Because relationships require maintenance and deep down we need to maintain. Low maintenance for lack of a better word….is boring.  That doesn’t mean crazy is passion but often the line is blurred between chill and apathy, courting and fraternizing, compromising and convenient.  Being like one of the homies, like a brother, a long distance partner, a friend with benefit none of these things are terrible things to be but none of them are long term dating prospects either.  They’re just what they are…easy, expedient, and  equitable. 

-Stan-

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November 3, 2014 · 6:55 am

Today’s Word is… BITTER

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As an adult male, sans online you make new male friends primarily off a shared experience, run ball together, live near each other or work together.  You can make new female friends the same way but there’s also the accidental friendship; one of you tried to pursue a relationship, the other turned down (for what) this offer and now you’re left with two options, chill in this here friendzone or take your ball and go home.  The former is usually the option since people hate appearing bitter even if they feeling some type of way about this curve they just received.  For what its worth, I think more people should be bitter, sometimes its okay to say “you broke my heart, so f ck you”. Friendships are just as optional as relationships, there’s truly no need to be in one that doesn’t make you happy. 

Perhaps it is because bitter is such a loaded word.  It’s synonymous with hating, “who hurt you” and rancor.  No one wants to appear bitter, be called bitter or even admit to themselves that they are bitter.  It was a struggle that I have fought myself plenty of times.  From back in the day, all the girls I had a crush on around the way called me their big brother, me and Dessi having regular conversation like a heartbreak didn’t happen, remaining civil with an ex and us both pretending we’re not in love with each other.  Men typically are used to swallowing this bullet anyway, I’m not going to be churlish with someone just because they choose not to be with me (of course I’m speaking for men, not buckfoys who seemingly have no sense of coping skills).  In that same sense, there’s times when I realized that it was no point in keeping up a facade and saw my way out.  (Which always seems to turn the tables and now she’s sweating you but that’s besides the point)

You can’t make someone stop feeling, stop hurting or even swallow the rejection to maks your life easier.  Its something I’m learning still.  When I’m on the other side of the table, I have no control on whether they want to stay or go, just as none of my dreams deferred had a choice.  However, the key is still to make a choice and not waver. Don’t tell me you’re my friend and all you’re doing is trying to woo me, don’t tell me you’re my friend and passive aggressively unload your hurt.  Don’t tell me you’re my friend and really you’re just planning to flip the script so you can then reject me (this last one might’ve been me a few times, but I’m petty. Jesus is fixing me. Judge your auntie.)

Rejection sucks. It hurts worse then stepping on a lego at midnight or getting a charlie horse mid coitus.  What I will say is, even if I initially planned to give her that work be more than a friend, some of my closest homegirls I wouldn’t trade for the world.  Depsite the fact, she probably was planning to put my face in a figure four leglock be Mrs Stan Gemini and was denied, I would hope one could appreciate me as a kind, supportive, friend.  And I give great hugs.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… FRIEND

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More things should be like poor kneaux clips.  Okay, almost 2 years in and this easily is the randomest post opening ever.  From God to poor nography, thats just how I roll. Poor kneaux clips are very specific about what it is you are about to see, there’s no minced words, chubby ebony gets blahblahblah you watch and you see exactly that (sidebar, ebony was such a beautiful word we let get sullied, why couldn’t we give them chocolate or burnt Siena).  In life, things aren’t as cut and dry, we are notoriously vague; a job ad for marketing executive is really cold calling, a freelance makeup artist is really unemployed Instagram user and a friend, well that can pretty much mean anyone you aren’t related or committed to. 

For most men, female friends can go into a category of “slept with” “wanna sleep with” or “wouldn’t ever sleep with”.  Theoretically, a man calling a homegirl he’s had for years a friend while placing that title on a loyal twitter follower, the ex he not quite over, the roommate, his boy’s ex, the cute receptionist at work, and the chick he’s smashing no strings attached makes no damn sense. It doesn’t, which is why most men clearly distinguish who is where in their heart even if it isn’t stated outright.  We remember the Myspace Top 8 days, we know better. So, for all intents and purposes, ask who’s that? Yeah that’s my friend.

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Me.

Why go through the trouble?  Men like women.  And men aren’t great at making new friends.  I’ve gone out chopped it up with some cool brothas, and never spoke again.  A woman I find chemistry with, I’m getting that follow up.  What happens from there may or may not turn into something but in the meantime in between time, well, yeah that’s my friend.  Because someone I text to pass time at work is too poor know graphic. 

It could all be so simple, but some rather make it hard. (For those keeping score, this is the 10th L Boogie reference on SFW).  Enter the dark side of having “friends”, emotional cheating, expectations, and messiness.  This happens when you aren’t real about how friendly your friends are.  Trust me, I know.  It’s been a rough few weeks. You don’t wanna know, trust me.  Its been a rough few weeks.  As I always say, titles breed accountability; you have a different responsibility to a “friend” than someone you’re smashing dating, someone you’re dating to your girlfriend.  Some men try to shirk all responsibilities and call everyone a friend and problem solved right? Wrong. So very wrong.  If you seen her boobs, she’ll always be a certain KIND of friend.  If you’ve had intimate conversations, she’s a different KIND of friend, you had sex, things have changed.  Even if she says “oh we can just be friends” the seal has been broken and you both know that.  Even if one tries to act otherwise.

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Heh heh fitting image. Heh heh...fitting. *sees self out*

To me, that is the true “friendzone”, trying to factory seal an open bottle, not that “nice” guy/girl cant take rejection stuff they sell on TV.  Being intimate with someone and telling them it doesn’t count, cuz titles.  Feelings gon feel, titles only dictate the expectations.  I can call someone a friend all I like, doesn’t change how I truly feel about them.  It’s a lesson that I’m still assimilating now.  Perhaps I need a new label for those special friends….like…..idk I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

-Stan-

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