Tag Archives: friend zone

Today’s Word is… TIME

From the moment I first saw them, I just knew it was something special. I found myself going to bed later and later, wanting to talk to anyone about them, it was so unlike my usual routine. I had gotten hooked, happily so. After a while, the luster of new faded as it typically does but I found myself still very much in this for the long haul. Even as I noticed it was not as good as the beginning, we’d been through so much, we would make it through this. And so I labored…wondering if I was in it because I thought it would be good again or because I put so much into it I just didn’t want to accept the L. Maybe I was just holding on to fit in with my friends who were seemingly as happy as they’ve ever been. But I wasn’t happy. Maybe, it was me. What was I missing? I didn’t even see the good anymore, I found myself just nitpicking everything to the point that I just had to accept I couldn’t do this anymore… And so, I just ghosted. One week turned to two then a month and it was over. I had reclaimed my time. I had chose ME. I had quit watching The Walking Dead.

Sometimes, you just got to know when to let go and accept that while you wasted your time, it’s not coming back and there’s no need to waste more. Time wasters don’t care, they will use up all the time allotted to them. The Walking Dead may run for 10 more seasons if people continue to watch the same mediocrity, she’ll keep accepting dates as long as you keep asking, he’ll keep telling you “he’s not ready” as long as you believe him. You don’t value the time, why should they?

I say that as someone who’s been time waster and wastee. Pretending I can be just a friend, pretending I’m still interested but just been busy, taking numbers knowing we never going to link up. Why? (cuz Gemini, probably) I guess because I didn’t look at it as time wasting, they’re just texts. They don’t even cost 10¢ like back in the day… They’re literally worthless. We can text while talking in 5 other groupchats, Twitter and a Facebook group, but while I may view it as an empty gesture,to others it may mean the world.

To quote Einstein*, time is relative… You may feel like you are putting your all into something, but really you aren’t doing anything. You think you’re dating someone and really you just text her wyd everyday and y’all hang out occasionally. Then she actually meets someone and you’re feeling played. Or maybe you’ve been in a “relationship” for years with someone who tells their friends, “y’all cool”. even just asking someone out, only for it to end with a church hug and a “I don’t think this is going to work” text.

not what he meant*

In a those cases, yes you put forth some effort only to not get the desired outcome and so you feel like they wasted your time. But to them they just answered a message and agreed to a date they didn’t force you to ask them on. So why you so mad? See, it’s relative*.

Again, totally not what he meant*

Whether it’s me with Walking Dead, dude in the friend zone, shorty in the one sided relationship, we all know what we signed up for and why we did. All hoping for a change, hoping that we didn’t waste our time. But we did, so then what? You can feel deceived, frustrated, angry… But that in itself is a waste of time. Just cut your losses because no matter how bad you want them to; they won’t care. (They may or may not just text Drake lyrics back). They’re going to screenshot you and laugh in the group chat. Don’t do it to yourself.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TEXTING

[Editors Note: Its the repost baby….ain’t like y’all read every post before anyway, okay maybe one of you did, but the rest enjoy like its new]

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You know the story: Boy meets girl. Boy charms girl. Girl gives Boy her number. Boy walks home happy, lighting up the sidewalks like in the Billie Jean video.  MJ Gone, our nickel dead.  While he’s celebrating his new acquisition, he forgets that last boss battle, he charmed her enough for a number, but now that he’s found love what is he gonna do, with it.  Heavy D gone too, damn.  He must again charm her enough to get to know her better or in up in something far less than the friend zone, “the meh zone”.  The Meh zone is where boring texters go, when conversations never go much beyond:

“Hey you”
“Sup”
“Nm, u”
“Chillin”
“Ok cool”

And….scene. 

A nice text game is essential in a new age of dating.  Gone are the days of sitting in the kitchen on the house phone talking about eachothers day, trying to keep your late night r&b radio voice going.  They’re busy, you’re busy, texts are convenient (even though some people act as if we’re still on landlines and will be all types of mad if you don’t answer their texts the second you get them, or everytime you hit them up they only going to talk about the times you didn’t, like seriously, if you wanted an instant response or some way to know I’m busy why not, you know, call…okay mini rant over).  Whether its on the phone or texting, the point is to have something to say, the awkward silences followed by “my mother needs to use the phone” is now just the “ok.”

I’ve been meh zoned, I’ve meh zoned.  Some people I just drift into the abyss, others I made a valiant comeback.  Of course, I’m an aspring writer who spends his spare time writing 600 word posts about whatever pops into my mind so making spontaneous conversation is a piece of cake.  It’s more an issue of if I actually care to.  Which brings me to step #1 of getting out the meh zone

1. Assess why you care- If i really dont wanna get to know you better, its hard to fake the funk.
2. Be random, be memorable- Hey beautiful works, random song lines works better
3. Death to LOL- i always hated lol, even in aol chatroom days.  Most texts are assumed to be in jest you dont have to attach lol to everything
4. Use your surroundings- Talk about a coworker, people watch, something on tv, rarely are you in solitary confinement and texting theres always something to talk about
5. I know you’re bored- We all text when we’re bored, its assumed, you dont need to say such.

The meh zone is an inconvenience but it’s fairly easy to recover.  No different from being on the phone, or actually out on a date, we all just want to be entertained and engaged, and when we’re not we’ll find something or someone else. As you know, I’m iffy on texting period but I do appreciate a free flowing back and forth conversation, it shouldn’t be a chore.  Oh and umm don’t text and drive….the more you know n sh t. 

-Stan-
 

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Today’s Word is… FRIENDSHIP

I’m not a relationship expert, I don’t even play one on TV.  This blog is more or less me thinking out loud and when readers do reach out for my perspective, tell me about a post they like, or just to #heyboo, I appreciate the love. My gmail aside from sweet nothings from a special someone, is otherwise full of bullsh t any other time, no matter how many things I unsubscribe from….I’m rambling.  Anyway, when readers do ask for my perspective on an issue, I try to be as objective as possible.  I try to take myself out the conversation, but this last one, it really touched on a pet peeve of mine. 

Quick summary: So the reader was friends with this guy, they dated briefly but then he told her he was busy with school/work and it was best they just be friends.  Reader agreed, but of course it turned into a FWB thing, the reader thought she could win him over eventually, when he declined again she blocked his number and on social media, now misses him wants to fix things…..as long as they get back together. 

So after getting more information I responded she should respect his wishes and work on the friendship. 
“Okay….but how long do I have to be his friend before I bring up us”
“Do you want him or you just want a man”
“I want him to be my man”
*throws phone*

This reason this grinds my gears is because of the notion that friendship is somehow a downgrade.  She doesn’t care about him or his wishes not to be in a relationship.  The situation brought me back to “Miss”, who most of y’all know the story of.  What hurt me more than the complete 180 shift in personality is that she pretty much deemed a friendship that budded over years completely irrelevant because she couldn’t have what SHE wanted.  I told her things I never told anyone, I loved her just not in the way she desired, and all of it was just a facade apparently.  The reader who says she loves this guy more or less is brushing off his friendship as some sort of prerequisite course and it’s pretty disheartening. 

Friendships don’t just happen, this isn’t Facebook.  While I believe friendship is an important foundation to a relationship, that doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.  People whine about the friendzone all the time but it’s really just an overbearing sense of entitlement; “I’m attractive, we get along great, we’re both single, how dare you not want to be with me.  You dated whatshisname and he wears tube socks with dress shoes.”  Spare me.  There’s people I’ve known all my life I still wouldn’t call them a friend.  I have friends now that at one time I was the one who wanted more, should I be bitter about and block their number, or just accept another good person in my circle, even if not in the role I intended.               
              
Ultimately, me and the reader reached a consensus to stop being intimate, try being his friend and if she’s still so madly in love it hurts her core not to have him call his own , then she can gradually drift away and wished her luck.  Although in full disclosure I don’t buy the too busy thing….actually that’s another post entirely.

-Stan-      

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Today’s Word is… NICE

So I’m just browsing on Instagram, my friend, umm bout time she got a nickname “Amiga” posts a picture of her and her homegirl.  I commented that they looked cute, the friend responds and we have a small friendly conversation via the comments.  “Amiga” calls me, “cut the sh t”.  Well, hello to you too.  She strongly opposes any union between her and her friend, obviously she wouldn’t want her two best friends to hook up for obvious reasons but it was interesting that she made it seem like she was protecting HER from me, I’m the good one.

“I was just responding to a comment, but even so what’s wrong with me I’m a nice guy”

“You’re too nice”

“So you want her with a jerk”

“You are a jerk Tristan, you’re just nice about it”

She went in, on how I act oblivious to my affect on other people.   Apparently, I make people fall for me when I have no intention of catching them. It sort of brought me back to my flirting post, is even being nice misleading?  The bar can’t be set THAT low can it?

Sidebar: Marley was a married man with 1000 illegitimate kids

“Amiga” brought up how there isn’t much difference from the way I treat a woman whether its her, a girlfriend, ex, or waitress.  Ironically enough, everyone still swears I treat a better than b. My life.  But anyway according to her, as long as I have my charm on hundred thousand trillion, I will always come off as someone who wants more than I’m intending.  Then when I don’t turn out to be anything more than just a nice guy, I’m just a jerk. Logic is fun.  I sincerely want to maintain a friendship when the relationship doesn’t work out, I enjoy making the cute cashier blush, is that so wrong?  But as I said the other day, my biggest problem will always be I assume everyone understands me.

Amiga does. Over the years she’s become immune to it, I can call her beautiful and she’ll respond with shut up.  Although there were times where we might could’ve been something but one of us always backed out.  No one else doesn’t understand this nice by default nature so the way they see it, Oooh I think he likes me.   But then when I actually don’t like them, they are completely mindfcuked and suddenly I’m the jerk who doesn’t know what he wants. Whatever.

However, this is all an interesting perspective seeing as I spent other posts like this, that, and others talking about how the nice guy stays losing.  The nice guy finishes last, the nice guy gets friend zoned, the nice guy is too safe.  But maybe it’s all a cover.  Are nice guys just jerks in shining armor?  How is it being nice at 18 got me called “bestie” and “brother” now at 24 gets me called “jerk” and “player”?  Simple, when a one wants something even the slightest gesture means everything.  I remember I had a big crush on a girl in my class, we actually were pretty cool but in my mind it had to be more.  Every hug, status, dance I felt was drawing me closer to her, she disclosed to me she had a crush on someone as well….my boy. Damn tease, let his underachieving ass tutor you then.  I kid, we’re all still cool.

As great as friends are, it will always be a downgrade if you truly have stronger feelings.  It’s frustrating because even as you try to hate them, you really have no reason to be.   They aren’t in control of your feelings.  Amiga says I’m a “nice” jerk because I insist on being nice even though I know I’m probably doing more harm than good, killing them with kindness in a way.  She had a point with exes but people I’ve never been involved with I don’t see the logic.  You can’t control who falls for you? Can you?

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… PLATONIC

“You and ‘coworker’ seem to be hitting it off.”

 A colleague of mine says, more like inquires actually, he was expecting me to dish. Besides her, he’s the only other person I really talk to there. We talk about sports and work and such, but even if there was something going on, I’d probably tell y’all before him.
 “Nah, it ain’t even like that…she’s cool peoples”
“For real”
*She enters almost on cue, says hi to him, does like some weird thing and strokes the back of my neck as she passes*
*shakes my head*
Maybe she does like me.  But I’m not going to go that route because
1. Smashing coworkers is never the movement
2. I might be off the market very soon
3. I’m working on having more strictly platonic female friends #nocraigslist
So the verdict, neck strokes aside, she’s just a friend.
Yup, ladies get friend zoned too, go and brush your shoulders off.  Although I don’t look at my female friends as being friend zoned or vice versa.  Friend zones are often associated with one sided attraction and just as a man I can’t say I’m absolutely unattracted to any of them.  Most male/female interactions begin with some sort of attraction whether it’s instantaneously physical or simply saying something that grabbed their attention.  However, at some point we, her or I decided it wasn’t best to pursue a relationship.  My closest female friend, for example, after starting off like any other courtship, we ultimately decided to leave it as just friendship.  I can say I have no nagging doubts, never wondered “why not me”, and I can’t speak for her own thoughts but she’s never asked “why not her”?   My other close female friend, it was a matter of timing.  We dated, it didn’t work out, now we’ve been friends so long it’d be simply awkward to even think about going back.  Of course there’s others who it doesn’t work like that.  To them, friendship is a consolation prize, a form of rejection.  Men tend to take rejection as it’s part of a balanced breakfast, while women take things a bit more personally.  I’ve had women gladly accept the role of friend, but eventually wonder why they aren’t being offered the part of “girlfriend” and quit.  Sometimes, I have only myself to blame, playing oblivious and being selfish.  This typically comes with trying to remain cool with exes, women I actually have zero romantic interest in, ignoring the elephant in the room that they want more than friendship.  There’s also friends who eventually for fall or I them, neither planned nor expected. Cupid is a sneaky lil bastard.
In essence, it’s 50/50.  I believe men and women can be platonic friends but it usually works within certain contexts.
1. I believe the friendship must be based off more than a secret agenda to have her legs on your shoulders
Common interests, mutual friends, if all convos are “what u doing” and flirting, you’re kidding yourself, you’re not friends.  You’re courting. You suck at it but you’re courting.
2. Don’t do couple-y stuff
I remember a while back I was dating “She”, she went to lunch and grabbed a movie with a male friend.
 “So are we seeing other people now or…” 
“No we went to lunch and happened to pass a theater and went to see a movie, we (referring to me and her) do that all the time” 
“Checkmate.”
While her intentions meant well (i assume), you never know his.  Easiest way to not get things mixed up, don’t mix them up.
3. Truly uninterested in each other
Honestly, if a woman found me completely unattractive, I probably wouldn’t like her.  I’m not the best good looking guy but I’m at least a “cute” damnit.  Be married or a lesbian at least.  Non attraction is the easy way to assure nothing ever goes down, it doesn’t have to be physical.  Like I said I’m physically attracted to a majority of my female friends, but I have reasons why I would never go that route, and they have theirs, apparently im a heaux.  I’m not but whatever it keeps things platonic.
Platonic friendships with women seems like such a hassle so why does one bother.  Because sometimes you just need that female perspective.  I have 3 sisters but our relationship dynamic is different, my private life is private as is theirs.  Men, we look at things differently, like my boy at work can’t fathom an attractive female coworker being into me and me not slamming home the clear alley oops she’s tossing up.  Overall, I only have two female friends, a couple of associates who there’s too much romantic chemistry to leave as strictly platonic, and some others who I probably would toss our “friendship” out the window on a good lonely night.  However, they all fulfill a need and are all play a role in my life.  To pursue a relationship or even complicate things with sex is more trouble than its worth. “Coworker” i’d say is a mere flirtationship, passes time, gives confirmation that my sarcastic faces, and jokes throughout the day are not all for naught.  Now why would I throw that away?
-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… INSANE

Editors Note: Struggled to title this post, I was going with Today’s Word is (STILL) Safe,  Safe pt II ft Usher & Loon, Safe 2: Revenge of the Safe, S2FE, and then I changed it, but its still basically the remix baby…
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I got some picture messages from my friend (umm lets call her A, i’m out of names), nothing major just her. I have no clue why she sent them to me, especially when there’s instagram and facebook, maybe it was an accident. I play it conservatively.

“Check you out”

“Thanks, (her man) doesn’t like my hair like this”

+”Looks fine to me”

“Me too, he’s just been weird lately, nothing I do matters to him anymore”

“I’m sure you’re just overreacting, he adores you”

“Adored. Now I just don’t know…you find me attractive right”

Now she knows the answer to that question. I’m attracted to her but I see her as no more than a friend. She feels the same way about me.  We had an amicable split, if you could call it a split, we were friends got close and mutually decided “never mind”.  But every now and again, she tests the water wondering if maybe it warmed up a bit.  I said a while ago, I’m safe. Women never quite close the door on me but have little to no intention on opening it either.  I’m guilty of this as well, can’t honestly say with her but with others. Despite knowing how it ends I can’t help but go back and wonder if things are different now I have a little hindsight on my side. Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result or as Einstein defined it, insanity.  No Shaun T.  That’s it, I’m insane.  In Einstein’s sense (although i’m still skeptical about the quote, the internet isn’t always honest), not just with women but with a lot of things, I just keep expecting things to change when I know better.

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3 months past since the “Safe” post (which got me in way more trouble than I thought, now I see why I should’ve kept SoFW a secret). Quick recap, I’m still in the same position I was. Well at one point they were all gone but sure enough they’re back in some capacity, like I said the door never quite closes.  The real problem is why I’m still in the doorway, I know where me and “She” will lead…nowhere.  She’ll never trust me, I’ll never see things her way.  We differ on the importance of titles, we differ on where we would/should be at this point.  Yet she isn’t going anywhere, nor am I.  We’re each others safety nets but eventually we’ll both gain our balance and no longer need one.

Me and “Ms” just can’t seem to get things right, how we feel about each other is the only thing we seem to agree on.  I never realize how much she reminds me of “her”, we both know better but too stubborn to admit it.  We’ve argued about the same thing for 6 months now, it’s tedious, it’s annoying, and oddly enough it’s worth it.  When things are going well it almost makes up for all the bull that precedes.  It’s insanity at its finest.  One day she’ll take an L on an issue and remember she loves me, one day I’ll live up to her expectations.  One day, we will look back and say I told you so.  Either that we were right about each other all along or that we were so terribly wrong.

“Miss” I never went after. Possibly I will look back and regret not going for the kiss, not going over that night, being too nice, I doubt it.  With her it wasn’t about being safe, maybe for the first time I actually did something different.  I was going after every pretty face that showed interest.  I was doing too much.  I became a love junkie, capturing any and all hearts I could find not sure what to do with them afterwards.  I fell for “Miss” but enough that I had to be with her? No.

It was “A” all over again.  We didn’t like each other in that way but we just tried just to try.  It was a safe relationship, luckily we ended it before we got hurt.  Back to today, she knew how I would answer the question, she knew how she would respond, she read this book before but in a brief moment of insanity nearly opened it again.  In a brief moment of insanity I almost let her.  But came to my senses. Just in time.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SPURNED

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When I first came up with a concept for this blog, there were some particular words I had in mind.  “Love” was the big one.  Is there any word more loosely defined than love?  To some love is simply a deep, intense, euphoric feeling for someone; others believe the extreme biblical definition.  I think we all pick and choose our own interpretations and conveniently apply it to situations.  In fact, love is almost too big to cover in one post.  I’ll break it down and cover different misinterpretations of love,alas the first, SPURNED. *cue Frank Ocean –Bad Religion* (ll)

I remember the first time I told a girl I loved her, it was only about 7 years ago.  To be honest I don’t think I did, I just felt like it was a natural progression in a relationship when you tell one so.  We were sitting on her porch and I was going on about all the colleges I got accepted to, how we would make a long distance relationship work, maybe she can move out there and find a community college nearby. (not as condescending as it sounds, she wasn’t the most dedicated student, we attended different high schools yet I did her work and my work #atthesamedamntime).  She grew silent and I felt like it was the perfect time to reassure her.  I told her, she sat up straight, kissed me and told me she loved me too.  I looked in her big brown eyes and knew she just lied to me.  Perhaps I had just lied to her prior, but we just went with it.  I cared about her; she was the first girl to really show me any type of love,  at the time I didn’t think I was doing much better probably why I went above and beyond trying to keep her around.  I tried to use “love” as an excuse but deep down I knew better.  I never loved her, probably because all gifts, homework, and gestures aside, she didn’t feel the same about me.

This wasn’t common, over the years I found myself giving my all into girls who didn’t feel the same.  Especially one, let’s call her senora (even though she was black as me).  Senora was almost like a female version of me, except much more attractive.  She was a bit more outgoing than I; however she knew exactly how to get me out of my shell.  I found myself liking senora more and more but I didn’t feel confident in myself to win her, so I lied; a lot.  I found myself telling two lies and truth (contradicted my past a lot but I guess she never paid me enough attention before to notice), but it was working, I felt myself rising out of the friend zone. I then started to feel some type of way, I was falling for her but was she falling for me?  If so, which one, her friend Tristan who always been around or this new fictional character? I figured I could tell her the truth and she’ll love me anyway, I mean it worked for Aladdin. At this point, we were seeing each other frequently and I figured before we took things further I come clean.  Duck Fisney, she didn’t want anything to do with me.

Jasmine forgives, Senora Don’t.

For the next year, I projected her to be my one, my true love, the one that got away…that was until I met “Her”, my first true love.  “Her” made me look back and realize I was just throwing the word around. I still love “her” although we’ve come to terms that we can’t be, but shouldn’t love conquer all?  That would bring me to misinterpretation #2…on another day.

-Stan-

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