Tag Archives: expectations

Today’s Word is… STANDARDS

[Editors Note: Issa throwback…well, with a director’s cut.]


Attractive. Educated. Independent. Sweet. Confident. Compassionate.
(I just described most of my exes. Hell, I just described me.) 

Minimal baggage. Career. Non smoker. Social or not Drinker. Been in long term relationship. Classy.
(Still got most of my exes, a few eliminated, i’m still there)

Knows how to cook. Hair stays done. Always groomed. Puts it down in the sheets. Sense of style.  Body’s stacked.
(Still got some of my exes…no self respecting man will call themselves stacked, that’s where I bow out.)

5’9 and under. In shape.  Knows how to defer to a man. No trust issues. Diversified interests. Mentally stimulating. Great chemistry.
(I’m hearing chatter…now who do I think I am, what am I bringing to the table)

Low maintenance. Good with hanging out at home. Understands discretion.  Can make lasagna. Open minded in the bedroom. Wants kids. Fiscally responsible.
(This negreaux think he Idris or something…)

Standards are funny, as are the people love/hate them. No one ever has issue with standards unless it inconveniences them.  I don’t care that if you’re only chasing 6’4 lightskinned dudes you’re going to miss out on great guys, I care that I’m not 6’4 or lightskinned and I will never be, therefore I’m not invited to that table.  I didn’t want to sit there but now that I can’t, suddenly I want to sit there?  For who, for what? My list was very p.c, however if I got my mac on (You ever read something you wrote years ago and roll your eyes at how lame you were…this was one of those times) and said I want an exotic chick, hourglass figure, all natural…sistas would come for my head.  Reason #1, they’ll be damned if I don’t want them even if they don’t want me cuz…principality. Reason #2, who the hell am I to have such strong demands.

As you get older, and still single suddenly your standards are too blame.  The Beast could’ve let Belle just go have brunch with her girls and they would’ve told her that he’s tall AND has a whole castle, dont. block. ya. blessings. and she’d probably go right back.  Men don’t get it nearly as hard, I can probably hand wring myself to loneliness until at least 33.  Men aren’t told they are being unreasonable, or they are expecting perfection even when they are.  I have a homeboy who for the most part splurges on instajawns and to my knowledge never had an actual girlfriend.  I’m sure his mama might ask, but no one else cares.

Your standards represent you, your priorities, your traits, your aspirations.  It shows if you’re looking to just be treated good, f cked right, or want an actual relationship.  It shows your self confidence and what you believe you bring to the table.  Women say that men are constantly pestering them to lower their standards to accommodate them; I’m actually the opposite, show me you demand all that.  This goes both ways, you can’t be all over the club scene and social media and then demand someone who isn’t all over the club scene and social media.  You can’t demand a woman who’s cultured when all you watch is sports and action movies.  You can’t demand a man with his own place and a car when you staying at a homegirl’s and working part time.  I mean you can demand but spoiler alert, it won’t work out well for you.  Those independent, ambitious people you seek…well, they want other independent ambitious people.
There has to be some accountability for who you choose to let into your life, who you expect to come into your life and how they’re treated when they’re there.  The time spent on people who aren’t on “your level” adds up. It’s a lesson I’m still learning, my phone just full of women who I know weren’t what I was looking for, but #Ihaveneeds.  I can’t be taken seriously if I’m not taking my own standards seriously.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for less (maybe a few things, the lasagna game is non negotiable tho), in the meantime I #minuswhale use my time as productively as possible so I become the offer she can’t refuse.
-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TRUST

[Editors Note: Happy Stanniversary yall,  crazy this is start of the 4th year,  probably the last one,  you know how shows go on for far too long and ruins everything (looks at HIMYM, Prison Break, Dexter, Family Guy…) I don’t want to get to that point (I don’t think I’m there yet,  maybe I am one of my 6 readers let me know it’s time to hang it up) anyway I’m going to be a little more frequent,  a little lighter and finish strong,  anyway here’s a post that has nothing to do with any of this,  Enjoy]

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Trust is a funny thing.  It’s in our nature to trust, we want to trust but it’s far easier said than done.  More than we want to trust, we want to be trusted; as much as one can understand, there’s always a level of offense taken if you were to tell them that you don’t trust them.  Nothing sets the mood quite like “so when’s the last time you got tested?”, nothing says I’m secure like checking their social media.  The misconception with trust is that one must have a reason NOT to trust not the other way around.  There’s been times women told me they don’t necessarily trust me and my first reaction is not “I understand” but rather “why the fuh not?”.  More often than not her reasons are typically about what some ex did, and I will respond as either a) I’m not them b) how you gonna let that affect your present?  Ego supercedes logic in those cases.  It’s somewhat hypocritical; as that could never work on me because, well, I just don’t trust that easily.  I’m not jaded, insecure, or paranoid, I don’t think, I think I’m just reluctant to trust.   And that’s okay.  

Trust issues are shown in a negative light most often.   It’s something you must get over, it’s holding you back,  it’s unhealthy…but so is blindly walking into any and every situation.   It’s a frustration I have with this whole dating game; it’s too objective based and less about just getting to know and understand someone else.   It’s why you bring your representative to the first few dates,  play chicken with your emotions and keep every possible option open for as long as you can.   So when I tell someone that I don’t trust them, can I really be blamed?  And it’s not like I expect the opposite,  if someone showed up on a date looking like Saturday morning and went way too deep with the TMI,  I’d probably go to the restroom and never return. (Kidding,  maybe, except that one time….actually I think I said something came up,  paid and dipped.  We arrived separately anyway.)  I guess what I’m saying is, for me to trust someone I need to feel like I have genuine grasp on who they are, what they’re about and if they can meet my expectations for them.  There’s level to this shit (RIP Meek Mill), and levels of trust comes with their own expectations.

I can trust a chain restaurant to make me a well done burger,  but I’m probably not going to try their lobster.   There’s women I can date and share a few funny stories with,  but probably not giving the keys and security codes.  I trusted “She” to be a girlfriend and confidante but as I contemplated getting #thatring,  I realized that maybe I didn’t trust her as much as I thought I did.  Conditional trust sounds kinda bad aloud but it’s something we all do,  it’s just how we’re wired.   All or nothing trust sounds good but most aren’t about that life.  That’s not to say I don’t trust anybody; I just place limits on everybody ergo I can trust everybody.  Does that make sense?  It does,  trust me. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word Is… UNSPOKEN

Cats are asshole animals.  They are just bred that way.  They learn right and wrong from rewards and consequences.  I’ve had Brady for about 4 months now (does that make me a cat owner *shudders*) he knows right from wrong.  Every now and again, I’ll come home, he just chilling on the counter, without saying a word he knows he’s not allowed there he’ll jump down go about his business.  Now a year ago, I’ll come home, “She” is there, she has her own key she let’s herself in. 

*exchange hellos and pleasantries*
“When you get here”
“Came straight from work I got off at 7”
“Oh ok cool, I’m hungry did you make anything”
“This ain’t my house” *goes into bedroom, bowl of green grapes just chilling on the nightstand* 
“Sarcastic comment about how she makes herself at home in every other regard”
“Why do you always have to start with me”
“Why do I still have to tell you it’d be nice if you cooked considering you’ve been here all day”
*some random unnecessary fight ensues*

We all enter relationships with a certain set of standards and expectations we want from our partner, I’ve been over that before. However, it’s the unspoken expectations, the things that you feel you shouldn’t have to explain, other rather you have and feel it should’ve set in by now, are the killer. 

I’ve said plenty of times on this blog, my number one problem is that I assume everyone sees things exactly how I see them.  Sometimes I feel things are painfully obvious, that it’s like do you listen to me speak or do you just skim through it.  Me and “She” got to the point where the fact I even had to still say these things were more frustrating than the acts themselves.  She felt I was nitpicking, I was just checking the foundation before I went ahead and started building the house.  Perhaps I was too focused on the big picture to even notice the small steps.  Ultimately because that’s what I want, I want my next relationship to be my last one, otherwise why bother.  If I don’t see myself marrying the one I’m with aren’t I just prolonging the inevitable?

I think back to the time I was almost a father, God decided not yet but the experience shed a new light on my then mate.  This woman, irresponsible, irrational, erratic….would be the mother of my child.  It was perhaps a light I should’ve been looked at her at the second we became intimate but things were fully in perspective now. I didn’t love her I liked her, there was no future only the now, we tried to make it work but the writing was on the wall.  She didn’t understand, we were seemingly fine, but in my heart I knew she wasn’t it.  Her small red flags have evolved into full deal breakers. I wanted more, I expected more.

The thing about the unspoken expectations is the fairness to the partner.  She isn’t a mind reader, i’m setting her up for failure.  What if roles reversed and in her mind she was holding me to some standard I just might not surmount to?  Enter communication, the cure all to all that is gray area.  But even that wouldn’t be necessary if simply we’re working towards the same goal, improvement.  If I find myself saying the same thing over and over I’m inclined to believe that you must not truly want the things I do.  If you’re asking me the same things over and over, it’s likely because I don’t want to.  You can say all the right things, even convince yourself you are finished, but never lose sight that you’re supposed to be convincing them, not yourself.

-Stan-     

  

 

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Today’s Word is… EXPECTATIONS

i know i know its been a while

My homegirl was complaining to me about her man, asking me what should she do.  She knows I hate giving advice and I’m only going to give a vague Yoda-fortune cookie-horoscopy answer.  The basics of it is, he’s pseudo committed to her, won’t make time for her, won’t leave them Instagram chicks alone, c’est la vie.

“So leave”
“I really like him”
“He must be great them two hours a day y’all talk”
“You’re an a**hole”
“Noted. But anyway if he makes you happy be with him and lower your expectations”
“What do you mean”

*music starts, I perform a big song and dance and by the end she gets it*

No it didn’t happen like that. if only life was like a Disney movie, they never explain ish just sing a song and it sinks in.  Instead, I explained how she was shooting 3 pointers with Dwight Howard.  She’s not a sports fan at all but at least knows Dwight Howard sucks #LOLakers.  But anyway, she didn’t agree with my premise that he’ll never amount to anything than flattery and a good time.  She thinks she can change him, make him into the perfect boyfriend but we been over that.  What we haven’t been over is the forgotten piece in most relationships: Expectations.

Never fails, ask a woman what type of man she wants, I get the same cliche, sweet, caring, funny, employed…Then I say “Sounds like me” “Oh is that right” Game. Set. Match. But she’s full of it, if everyone wanted that cliche guy nobody would be single and the relationship industry wouldn’t be skyrocketing.  Men and women are afraid to say what they truly want, because they know What’s right before them isn’t it, and that means 6 more weeks of winter. My friend knows she has no business with ol boy but what’s the alternative? The last guy she poured her heart to told her he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, his name was Stan I think, that jerk. Shrug life.

I think I have reasonable expectations, which is why I have little to no tolerance for anything but.  “Miss” pointed out I’ve been dating for 499 years now and no one has been able to fill the shoes left by “She”.  Perhaps because she raised the expectation level, there were things I tolerated from her I will not accept from the next, I’m also at a different place where I expect my next relationship to be going not where me and her were but beyond.  And well, I browsed for rings at one point.  Not to say I expect to marry my next girlfriend, that would send em running (Well not really, it’s different for men, I could probably propose to 10 women today and get at least 6 Yeses, it’s rough out here) however in reality a relationship can pretty much only end in a breakup (death included) or a marriage there’s kinda no way around it.

Expectations are like insurance no one really pays attention until something happens. We all know the basics don’t cheat, giving is better than receiving ;), communication. But what about other things ain’t nobody got time for? I feel like the key to any relationship is the initial screening process.  Finding what you truly offer, what you truly want and pursuing only that.  I almost might could know what I want now, then on the search phase.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SINGLE

So I was talking to Ms.Wit again, she sent me a screenshot of something she was writing to another guy, asked how I would respond if a girl said that to me.  I’m weird, I like sweet, sappy gestures like that so my hypothetical response was something just as sweet and sappy, as his was an lol :).  Tough crowd.  This wasn’t the first time she brought him up or even my response to something he said or did, so I inquired why she seems to be going so hard for a guy that doesn’t seem to be into her worth it.   She talked about how he was sweet sometimes, how he made her feel, yada yada yada but she wanted more than what he was offering.  How just about every guy she dated seemed to be content with the pseudo-relationship (perhaps some shots were aimed at me, I did the Matrix tho).   She concluded her rant with a “maybe I’m just meant to be single”.  I get this a lot actually.

Of the single women I talk to regularly whether friend, relative, coworker, neighbor, they all seem to share that same sentiment.  Is there really no man worthy of all the awesomeness, what more is there to ask for?   Single males I know are typically single because A)They are already getting consistent sex, food and attention from somewhere and see no incentive to settle down

B)Women just ain’t checking for them either because physical or personality

C)They’re like me, just really particular about who they are with (often accused of being A’s or they are B’s with too high standards)

Being single gets somewhat of a bad rap these days as it’s become synonymous with promiscuity or loneliness.  I’m far from either.  I date casually but I don’t got Romney binders of women, I’ve had my share of boring Friday nights but I’m not sulking about it.  I consider myself a C, because while I’m not pressing to find a girlfriend, my feelings on casual dating have been well documented here and I ain’t that ugly.  I don’t look at being single as some sort of referendum on me, or other women I dated, nor do I wear it like a badge of honor.   It’s more of a coincidence, I happen to not be in a relationship with anyone.  Nothing more, nothing less.   It took me a while to accept that, there was a time where I kept trying to tweak things.  I was down on myself I was too fat, too black, too ugly, too broke, too nice.  Then it wasn’t me it was them…they wanted immature thugs, they wanted soft emotional dudes, they just want to be unhappy.  Then I found the first girl who liked me for me and wasn’t just looking for attention.  Lost her but still, message received and whatnot.

Basically.

Back to my conversation with Ms.Wit, she’s not as optimistic as I.  She blames herself, her choices (although she’s good for not voicing her expectations), and men in general.  She’s confused as to why not her?  As are many, thus the plethora of blogs/books/seminars trying to explain what really is just dumb luck.  Every girlfriend I ever had was a random meeting, whether in person or online.  I don’t think I ever tried, well actually I did try before, back when I was the only guy in my circle who was woefuly single and was always pressured to talk to every girl that passed, let’s just say I failed. Miserably.  Ms.Wit thinks there’s something wrong with her, there’s something men just aren’t seeing in her.  I tell her how amazing she is all she has to do is stay true to her standards and he’ll fall into her lap.  I sound full of it (seeing as I won’t date her), but I really meant it.  We all get too in our own heads sometimes, trying to fix things that needn’t. She asked what should be her next move with dude.  I personally think she can do better but I told her just do what makes you happy.  Don’t get caught up in what should and shouldn’t be at what point.  Enjoy his company but remind him he’s still only using a trial version, remind yourself you can still date around.   If you’re single, be single.  Don’t give relationship perks to friends, make him earn it. What do he think he’s me or something?

-Stan-

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