Tag Archives: ex

Today’s Word is… LURK

It starts off with the most innocent of intentions, I wonder what they’re up to.  As luck would have it, they’re page is public (because who has private pages anyway, it defeats the purpose, you’re not that special B) you casually browse their IG.  Maybe they’ve let themselves go a bit, you wonder to yourself why they STILL take pics in that outfit or why they post that meme like it isn’t talking about them?  Perhaps you stumble upon a fan of theirs who seems to like and comment every picture, you go and check them out… They aren’t you. A downgrade, really. Sad.  Now you grow more inquisitive.  Wait… How long they know each other? This picture was when y’all were still together.  What’s all this ki ki ing heart eye emoji shit? Did this motherfucker cheat on you?  With this baby teethed,  ill fitting clothes wearing, reposting the same picture from a 2 year old vacation talking bout #TBT take me baaaaack, how the hell you still unattractive with a flower crown muhfucka… NOW YOU’RE PISSED.  You start thinking about that one time they got in late and had some boring story about a coworkers flat tire that you checked out of mentally because you was cleaning the DVR.  Piecing together a bunch of clues that are as worthless as Hilary 2016 merch and you feel like a jackass, retroactively.  You wish they were there right now so you can dump they ass, instead you just block them.  Fuck what they been up to.  

Moral of the story,  nothing good comes from lurking.  

Yet we seemingly can’t help ourselves.  We’re too connected, gone are the days when a guy can go out for a pack of cigarettes, go two towns over and never have to see his family again.   I’m guilty of it as well, not because I want them back or anything, I just need to see that I won the breakup. (Kidding….mostly. Of course I won. )  I’m not alone, studies say nearly 88% of people have.  We all need Jesus, clearly.  That nagging curiosity is to our detriment, soon you find yourself on Instagram looking at what they doing but ain’t got shit to post for yourself.  It becomes less about them and more about what you’re missing.  

As for the lurkee, they can be just as complicit with the things they post.  HBO’s Insecure comes to mind as it currently stands as “nice guy” revenge porn.  Since it’s a 3rd person narrative, you actually get to see the ex grieving and openly pining while he can’t hear her over all the rebound sex he’s having.  The character of Lawrence has become a cult hero because he represents the unrealistic expectation of a break up.  That same expectation one thinks they are reaching with thirst traps and snaps at the club.  With subliminal status updates and not so subtle inferences at how their living their best life. But social media is the Disney version of real life, we all are presenting our best possible selves.  (Though some are obliviously bad at this).  You won’t see the 19 other outtakes of that selfie, the crowded Spirit flight they took to Miami or other the lonely nights more in line with their reality. 

So why do we fall for it when we lurk? Why do we front on social media in the first place?  Why was Takeoff left off of Bad N Boujee?  My personal social media is fairly boring for someone who’s…Had an eventful 18 months.  Because I don’t care who sees what I’m doing. When I find myself lurking pages and ultimately getting nothing out of it (even though this one time I accidentally followed an ex and didn’t realize it until I saw her on my timeline tweeting her homegirl about how I had the audamndacity to follow her… And then per her homegirls advice I was blocked. And you know what? I earned that L…Because nothing good comes from lurking)

Perhaps it’s the allure of the unknown, if you never do the dramatic unfollowing you’d see they are every bit as boring as they’ve always been.  Or even crazier, if you’re that curious to see what they are up to, maybe you could just reach out an–

Oh. Yeah. Right.  Well,  just be wary of the accidental like then.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CONVENIENT

So it’s been a long time, shouldn’t left you.  I been busy with work,  life, moonlighting over at Verysmartbrothas…and writer’s block is a bitch. With halitosis.  So anyway,  can I rant for a minute… Of course I can, this my house. 

Remember how when you were a kid and you would be amped about a Happy Meal toy you saw in the commercial,  so amped you would want some damn McDonald’s.  You were even prepared for the “you got McDonald’s money” line, cause you had McDonald’s money,  that’s how hype you were for that toy, you dancing in the car,  ready for all 850 calories of horsemeat, synthetic cheese,  and fries that are only good if you eat them within 6 minutes of getting them,  but it’s all worth it because you want that toy.  Then you get your food,  you open the bag and…..its a doll.   They are out of boy toys.   You’re crushed, and in spite of feeding you McDonald’s your parent cares so they hit up another McDonald’s and again,  it’s just not that toy.   Mom is in a good mood so she tries two more McDonald’s.   She has spent $20 of which you could’ve just went to a toy Store and got a better quality toy. But now it’s principalities  Smokey, you want that damn happy meal toy.   Essentially, that’s my dating life in a nutshell,  I want one thing… But it’s the other thing.  

It’s the age old story,  iight looking bachelor just wanna run thru everything until the right one comes along.   I’m not even interested in the wrong anymore,  I can’t turn my brain off enough to enjoy the ride while it lasts because I know in the back of my mind this road leads nowhere.   It’s frustrating really,  I have a surplus of what I don’t want.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don’t want it even though it’s convenient.

Long distance relationships,  flings with exes, relationships that are well past their expiration date, friends with benefits, to me those are conveniences. They scratch an itch but have no hope of long term sustainability. I can say now that there isn’t a single woman I’m entertaining that actually has a chance with me.  That sounds cruel and pretty damn arrogant, but it’s a harsh reality.   I’m probably not moving unless it’s for work,  I wouldn’t want the obligation of having someone move for me.   I don’t think there’s one who got away,  my relationships ended for good reason.  Yet it’s the convenient relationship is alluring for however long you can suspend disbelief.  It feels good to have a bae to talk to every day, feels good to be wanted, feels good to have a +1 in bedroom shenanigans.  You tell yourself that the right one is en route and in the meantime, well,  you gotta get these shots off,  but what happens if you missed your cue because you’re distracted by this frail shit?  Perhaps a Saturday is better spent out alone than home with whomever.   

Also,  it’s manipulative. I’m not interested,  I’m bored, and while I’m doing myself a disservice, I’m doing them one as well.   Sure,  I can communicate that this is going nowhere and they shouldn’t wait on me but then dating sucks and they end up waiting on me.  (For real,  just pushing the hell out the door that says pull,  like, it never fails, tell someone you’re not looking for a relationship they say me too then proceed to be in a relationship with you without asking, don’t do that; it’s rude).  In this plot twist, they too are just in this for convenience, they know it isn’t going anywhere but they are able to turn their brain off and enjoy the ride.    

I’m making it a point to be better at passing up what’s convenient, if I want what I say I want my actions should reflect it.   Might need to make some roster cuts and learn how to be single,  like single single.  Or this post will be all for naught and I end up with a summer fling.  I’m only human. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… STRANGER

[Editors Note: Repost, cuz writers block and I was halfway done with a post and thought, hey didn’t I do this already? Anyway, this felt fitting since we’re in this end of the summer lull where people suddenly start reappearing in our inboxes, hearts weary from a long summer of dating and have come to realize that hey, maybe you aren’t the worst they can do. Say no to comebacks, except Jordan, because Space Jam. Rendez-vous le jeudi!]

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So, I got a text from this girl I used to see that she chose this cutie pie with whom she wanna be. She apologized if the message got me down then she CCed every man she see-seed around town. I wasn’t down, just a little confused we wasn’t together, or dating to say the least, we went out maybe once or twice, text when I was bored, had roles reversed I don’t think I would’ve shown the same courtesy. Guess she thought more of me than I her, it happens. It made me wonder if that’s how it should go down usually, when you are off the market do you go tell it on the mountain or let it be. The times I did tell someone that “I know we not together but I need to tell you we not together”, it was people who I knew would want to know this (i.e. I seen you naked or I really don’t want to talk to you anymore). There’s been times when I really would’ve appreciated a heads up and times like this when I really didn’t need to know you was gone. What’s more awkward than breaking up with someone who never considered dating you is when you do so and then you try to go back to said person who never actually considered dating you. Which is exactly what happened with the aforementioned woman who’s trying to make a comeback. Nah.

It’s just a natural occurrence in life, especially for single people there will be the ones who just disappear/reappear like Copperfield. I’m good for it myself, whether you’re committed or not, there’s favoritism, I might talk to someone all day every day while someone else might get stuck in the meh zone. Out of sight, out of mind. Why someone might disappear, it can be for whatever, you’ve run out of things to talk about, they found someone new, their phone got cut off, you took too long to put out (kidding, partially.) The comeback is always funny. It’s one thing if you run into an old flame at the store and we re-exchange info but when you just seen her Jamaican vacation photos on Facebook and suddenly you scrolling through the contacts trying to find a way to re-break the ice you let freeze solid months ago, another story entirely. Spoiler Alert, if you wondering why suchandsuch just reappeared, peep the sultriness of your last uploaded photo or avatar. (Sidebar: If you’re over 21, I’ma need you to not still be getting your phone shut off every other month and to have a consistent email that isn’t ballababyphatass@hotmail.com). Why ol girl reappeared, maybe it was my Facebook photo, maybe she’s trying to get back to her old life before dude, who knows? But so starts the awkward reappearing stranger convo (sadly this is exactly how it happened)

I wonder what he’s been up to…

“Hey stranger”

I’m pretty sure I’ve spoken on my hatred of this phrase. Translation: “I’m acknowledging we haven’t talked in a while but I’m not acknowledging it”

“How you been”

No one ever cares how you been that whole thing you wasn’t speaking otherwise, well they would’ve spoke. Translation: “you still single?”

That’s good

Regardless what you said they don’t care. Translation: “Now ask me a question so I can tell you I’m single or I’ll be in town”

I miss you

Again, bullshit. Translation: “Do you actually miss me”

But you never hit me up

Prepping the role reversal…. Translation: “Eat the cake, Anna Mae…”

I see how it is

Wait, YOU hit ME up why am I explaining myself Translation: “Gotcha bitch”

We should hang out sometimes

Availability and interest confirmed, on to phase 2 Translation: “Ask ME out so then it becomes your responsibility to plan”

Ok, sounds fun see you then

What? I don’t have shit else to do. Translation: “Game. Blouses.”

Don’t talk to strangers kids.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… REBOUND

“Do you have a brother”
“A few…why?”
“Oh you just look like this guy…a younger version though”
“cause I’m young and I’m black and my hats real low”
“Silly….”

She didn’t know my brother.  I didn’t know the guy she was referring to.  I would come to know of him as her ex of 3 years who cheated on her, got the other girl pregnant and ultimately just started over with her.  Cold game.  IShe was a grad student who was only on campus sporadically but as we got to know each other she would come by more and more often and yada yada yada we’re dating.  It was a quick transition from that random question at the campus center, I fell for her, at least the idea of her. She wanted to finish school, move away and settle down, I coveted the same thing.  However our reasons differed, I wanted that life, any life with her, she wanted the life she envisioned with her ex.  I was pretty much just the lightskinned Aunt Vivian filling the role.   

More likely than not, we all end up with someone who was someone else’s queen/king before you got there.  They hit it hit it hit it hit it hit it first, and there’s nothing you can do about it but put your behind in your pants, or your past behind ya.  The difference between being a fresh start and a rebound is simply how over the ex they are.  I was naive in the opening paragraph, I knew she wasn’t over her ex, hell I literally reminded her of him. However, she said she was over it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  I like to say now that even then I knew better but she was a rebound of sorts, I had a couple heartbreaks under my belt I just wanted to be done, she was pretty, smart, life of affluence, that’s more than enough to work with, right? I mean she would return those feelings eventually, I’m nothing like her ex.  Nope. Wrong again.  Rebounds seldom work, love is energy and energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transfered. F ck you science.  

Fresh starts are a different story, you’ve ended things, you’ve reflected, you’re ready to start over.  Sometimes, we ruin potential great things because we don’t let go soon enough or we think we let go and we’re not as healed as we thought.  None of my tweener/rebound relationships worked because I just wasn’t ready, I would say pretty much every even numbered girlfriend.(that’s probably not actually true but just go with it, mmkay.)  While I’ve used time (and this blog) to reflect and grow I can say I’m ready to go, no Derrick Rose.  Of course, it takes two to tango, so how to tell if I’m THEIR rebound or fresh start.  You can’t just have to trust their words and your own instincts.  Granted, I whiffed before but I can either run from it or learn from it (for those keeping score that’s 3 Lion King references, triple word score).  You can’t change the past, you can’t undo memories, only have to be patient and create new ones.

-Stan-   

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