Tag Archives: ego

Today’s Word is… VIEWS

So, I miss her.  

I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry. 

I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world.  She was my muse, my peace, my hope.

With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan a comeback.  I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to love my writing. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.

But what’s the point?  Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary….

I wrote that 2 years ago about someone.  2 months after that, I met someone I could write that  same thing about now.  2 years from now, I can…..well lets not put that in the universe.  As I roll over in an empty bed, I can sell myself on the fact that I’ve already lost the love of my life.  Nostalgia  never remembers the details,  just the feelings.  It’s the same reason people are still wasting their money to see Lauryn Hill perform an album she doesn’t have clearances for, or why Fuller House exists. 

This crossed my mind as I listened to Drake’s “Views“; wondering where was this dope album everyone else was hearing because this sounds like a half hearted sequel to his second best album.  Anyway, listening to Drake wail over tracks about women he wants everything except a relationship from, my main takeaway was; ego is a hell of a drug.  You love, you lose, you move on but ego….ego can’t take it lying down.  A recurring theme on Views, is the idea of loyalty, and Drake, like most niggas, wants stability and security of a relationship but without the whole commitment thing.  He’s not even talking about winning them back, doing better, it’s just blatant manipulation and guilt tripping because how dare they not take the raincheck of love he’s offering. Drake’s whole steez is finding women starving enough that his crumbs look like Thanksgiving.  He could have them if he so chose (because he actually wants someone he deems an equal); he merely wants them to never be over him. (Because a stripper should be grateful he is treating her like a human).  That is megalomania.  Over calypso beats. (Or as I call it Drakeggaeton)

Listening to Views and being so put off, I then had to look at the man in the mirror.   I’ve definitely used the “let’s just be friends” to carry on a one sided open relationship.  I’ve sabotaged ex’s new relationships, I may have literally quoted Hotline Bling to an ex (facetiously).  I’ve taken it personal when women decided they just can’t with me, when in reality one of us needed to pull off that band aid.  (Not like anyone goes anywhere when I do it anyway…but whatever I’LL be the bad guy).  Bringing it full circle, lately I find myself missing someone who frankly, doesn’t deserve me.  The temptation arises to try and fix things, tell myself its closure, tell myself I thought we were friends…but really her presence in my life would serve as nothing more than ego feeding.  Ego is a hell of a drug.

The way this life account is set up, you only get one.  You only need one.  Unless you bout #thatlife. I’m not. Looks exhausting.  As annoying as dating and searching is, its very convenient to just take oddments of affection from what you know already.   It’s even more convenient to offer it.  I can have my ego stroked by a bunch of maybes or be fulfilled having my one.  Perhaps a mix of both except Tequila might cut someone.  I’ll take the former.

-Stan-

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Filed under Dating, Music, Relationships

Today’s Word is… EXCEPTION

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One of my biggest turn offs is when a woman is too hard on an ex.  We all love and lose but there’s nothing attractive about a lack of coping skills. Eventually, I’m not going to be the shiny new red ball in her life and if she can’t respect the previous men in her life, I’ll assume she won’t respect me.  I think in essence we are all who we attract and while we all might have a blemish or two on our dating resumes eventually its time to look at the common denominator.  To that same extent, no matter how the relationship ended, you’ll never hear a disparaging word about someone I loved.  I don’t need to my current to even think twice about my ex, let alone hate her.  Yet it seems I’m in the minority in that regard because between R&Buckfoy dominating the airwaves or Captain Save Ems carpe DMing women right after they spent the last hour bad mouthing the last dude, people don’t care about respect for others provided they are respected.  They are content being an exception.

I don’t understand how women can sit and let their man call another woman out her name, or how a man is willing to sleep with a bad mother.  How “I don’t hang with females” girl is okay with how her homies treat their girlfriends or how women turn up to “these heauxs aint loyal”.   This twitter famous dude just leaked some girls nudes, let me send him some.  Perhaps its ego to think that you’re so unlike anyone else they can’t possibly do that to you.  You’re different, you’re special.  Apparently.

I’ve spoken at length here about how at one point I was guilty of acquiring new love in lieu of reflecting on why the last one failed.  I’ve also spoke on myself believe I was the exception.  She cheated with me because I’m irresistible not because she’s just immature and constantly needs attention.  She harassed her ex, there’s no way she’d do that to me if I treat her right.  She dragged his name through the mud but he had it coming, I’m different.  In all 3 scenarios, I wasn’t special, I wasn’t different, I was x in her algebraic equation of fuggery.  Sometimes people are who they are.

I won’t go so far to say people don’t change, but I will say, we give others passes too often because we think it can’t happen to us.  Maybe I’m alone in the idea that treating everyone like shit but me isn’t good enough.  Poor character will always rear its ugly head, a bad temper will eventually go off, and disrespectful people will always disrespect people.  Just say no to assholes, kids.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PRIDE

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It can all be so simple…

If you’ve read long enough it’s actually something I reference quite often here, some things are simple black and white.  I miss you. I want you. I need you.  When you have that intimate connection with someone it’s easy to say, when you’re unsure no matter how much you mean it, you’re pride will tell you…nah.  Pride is a necessary evil, pride keeps you from doing things you regret, putting up with what you don’t deserve.  Pride is still an evil as far as relationships, pride will turn a disagreement into a fight, a misunderstanding into a break, a break into a what if.  There’s room for pride in a relationship but carry on only. Relationships are humbling, you’re giving your heart, loyalty and body to someone you can only trust to do the same based off their actions and your instincts.  It’s give and take, you do and hope for reciprocity, not as though that was your intent but you are both trying to make the other happy.  At least that’s how it should go, but what would I know?  #DjangoUnchose.

It comes down to priorities, and when that person is deemed worthy, they ought to better your pride and ego.  This is mistaken for dignity and self respect, but there’s a difference between getting over who should call who first and tolerating infidelity.  Swallowing pride isn’t a sign of weakness or concession, it’s saying “they’re more important than this”.  I spoke before on how I hate how dating has become about manipulation and leverage, a nice night out and spending time with a nice person is way more important than who picked up the check.  I’m pretty sure I told the story of girl who turned down a second date because she ALMOST paid for the movie, of course she reached back out years later, guess #themtraditions ain’t all what they’re cracked up to be. 

More recently, (more recently doesn’t make sense but I like how it sounds, let me cook.) I find my pride and my heart at odds.  I found myself in a situation where I just felt unappreciated with good reason.  My pride told me to count my losses. I sit up at night, wondering how did this all derail, I wake up to dismissive statuses (FYI: never ever ever follow boos on social media), maybe that’s her own ego at play, maybe it’s the truth manifesting itself. I’d like to think love is stronger than pride, that if it was real we wouldn’t find ourselves at this stalemate.  When it’s good it’s bliss, when it’s not, it’s terrible, and lately I’ve gotten a fair share of both so which is the blip which is the trend? I’m really unsure, which means apologies or shade, I can’t take her seriously anymore.

It can all be so simple…

Now have I actually let my pride ruin good things? Of course.  I let a rift with my sister go on so long it took losing our mother to get back on track, I couldn’t bring myself to forgive “Miss” for rejecting me the first time, I’ve ended relationships over the pettiest of reasons.  I understand now that sometimes my pride needs to be snatched up like Dez Bryant and told, “not now”.  Some people come along and their worth all the trouble, others maybe not.  I guess it’s a learning process to know the difference.

-Stan-

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