Tag Archives: Dating

Today’s Word is… STANDARDS

[Editors Note: Issa throwback…well, with a director’s cut.]

Attractive. Educated. Independent. Sweet. Confident. Compassionate.
(I just described most of my exes. Hell, I just described me.) 

Minimal baggage. Career. Non smoker. Social or not Drinker. Been in long term relationship. Classy.
(Still got most of my exes, a few eliminated, i’m still there)

Knows how to cook. Hair stays done. Always groomed. Puts it down in the sheets. Sense of style.  Body’s stacked.
(Still got some of my exes…no self respecting man will call themselves stacked, that’s where I bow out.)

5’9 and under. In shape.  Knows how to defer to a man. No trust issues. Diversified interests. Mentally stimulating. Great chemistry.
(I’m hearing chatter…now who do I think I am, what am I bringing to the table)

Low maintenance. Good with hanging out at home. Understands discretion.  Can make lasagna. Open minded in the bedroom. Wants kids. Fiscally responsible.
(This negreaux think he Idris or something…)

Standards are funny, as are the people love/hate them. No one ever has issue with standards unless it inconveniences them.  I don’t care that if you’re only chasing 6’4 lightskinned dudes you’re going to miss out on great guys, I care that I’m not 6’4 or lightskinned and I will never be, therefore I’m not invited to that table.  I didn’t want to sit there but now that I can’t, suddenly I want to sit there?  For who, for what? My list was very p.c, however if I got my mac on (You ever read something you wrote years ago and roll your eyes at how lame you were…this was one of those times) and said I want an exotic chick, hourglass figure, all natural…sistas would come for my head.  Reason #1, they’ll be damned if I don’t want them even if they don’t want me cuz…principality. Reason #2, who the hell am I to have such strong demands.

As you get older, and still single suddenly your standards are too blame.  The Beast could’ve let Belle just go have brunch with her girls and they would’ve told her that he’s tall AND has a whole castle, dont. block. ya. blessings. and she’d probably go right back.  Men don’t get it nearly as hard, I can probably hand wring myself to loneliness until at least 33.  Men aren’t told they are being unreasonable, or they are expecting perfection even when they are.  I have a homeboy who for the most part splurges on instajawns and to my knowledge never had an actual girlfriend.  I’m sure his mama might ask, but no one else cares.

Your standards represent you, your priorities, your traits, your aspirations.  It shows if you’re looking to just be treated good, f cked right, or want an actual relationship.  It shows your self confidence and what you believe you bring to the table.  Women say that men are constantly pestering them to lower their standards to accommodate them; I’m actually the opposite, show me you demand all that.  This goes both ways, you can’t be all over the club scene and social media and then demand someone who isn’t all over the club scene and social media.  You can’t demand a woman who’s cultured when all you watch is sports and action movies.  You can’t demand a man with his own place and a car when you staying at a homegirl’s and working part time.  I mean you can demand but spoiler alert, it won’t work out well for you.  Those independent, ambitious people you seek…well, they want other independent ambitious people.
There has to be some accountability for who you choose to let into your life, who you expect to come into your life and how they’re treated when they’re there.  The time spent on people who aren’t on “your level” adds up. It’s a lesson I’m still learning, my phone just full of women who I know weren’t what I was looking for, but #Ihaveneeds.  I can’t be taken seriously if I’m not taking my own standards seriously.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for less (maybe a few things, the lasagna game is non negotiable tho), in the meantime I #minuswhale use my time as productively as possible so I become the offer she can’t refuse.

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Today’s Word is… FLIGHT

The “fight or flight response” is our body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.  You could say the same applies to our overall well being, particularly in dating. Your relationship hits a snag, do you fight or flight?  I feel like the generations before fought; adversity just came with the territory.   We all know of the old married couple who damn near hate each other and now they’ve been married 50 years because who wants to start over even after 10.  Then of course there was the whole women couldn’t work, don’t want to leave the kids, cost of divorce, etc so they just rode the wave of a decision they made at 18 years old and waited for the other to just die already.   The pickings were slim and when you had one you kept it.  Abuse, affairs, aloofness, alcoholism  (alliteration for the win) you rode it out.
These days, having seen what they went through we are flightier than ever. We stay in airplane mode.  It’s easy to move on when every single person in a 30 mile radius is right there in an app.  (Or further than that; if you’re into that kinda thing) Is it an overcorrection?  Perhaps.  Dating has become fundamentally flawed because everyone has one foot out the door because they won’t be the ones looking like BooBoo the fool.  We’ve gone from slim pickings to option overload.  We’re casually moving on the next one and effectively not learning anything. Where’s the incentive to?  I learned recently some women won’t even save your number until you prove yourself.  A contact, B?  We are so dismissive about dating that it’s like why do we even bother?  Or is it we are just really careful.  We hook up, explore options and when we’ve had our fun we turn around and then settle down with no regrets.  Maybe we need a word for the stage when you are dating but are fairly certain you haven’t found your forever worth fighting for.

 My fight was the skrongest.  I fell hard and fast and turned a blind eye to things that I probably knew better to.  Now, it’s a fight to even want to fight.  I’d become a pragmatist, we probably won’t get married so this is just borrowed time anyway.  It wasn’t even that I didn’t care for these women I just couldn’t disabuse myself of the inevitable.  I’m an INFJ, I project and shit.  It wasn’t fair to them (even though I’m pretty accurate with these things), the magic 8 ball in my head told me this wasn’t going to last and I acted accordingly.  Now because of me, she is pretty much over geminis, dark skin, beards, accountants, and dudes with blogs.  So she’s cold to them and they take it our on the next girl. It’s the circle of strife.  

Maybe one day we’ll reach that middle ground where you aren’t hanging on to a dead end relationship but also aren’t blocking numbers because you haven’t spoke in a few days.  Where real feelings aren’t being hidden by passive aggressive memes and being yasssssed by the same home girls who are eyeball emoji’ng his pictures.  I used to be patient, I used to be persistent and even I have to catch myself from sinking the whole island when I’m peeved.  I’ve stayed too long in situations and probably gave up too easily on others. The former likely the cause of the latter.  You fight and get your ass whooped your instinct is probably flight the next time.  And flight is the safest way to go if you never want to be hurt, but it’s also means you’ll never win either.  


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Today’s Word is… COOL

Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy wants to get to know Girl a little better. Girl starts off talking about her love of motorcycles (Boy is afraid of them, still a thug tho), she casually mentions how she’s watching a comic book movie or sports when he hits her up.   Boy and Girl have a lot in common*, she’s a tomboy who also loves, heels, makeup and dresses. Ironically enough, Girl actually doesn’t like to go out, Girl wants to hang out have sex, eat pizza and laugh at bad movies. Boy really likes Girl, but he’s not necessarily looking for a relationship just yet. Girl understands*, she doesn’t trip off of titles anyway.  If its meant to be, it’ll be….

So, seemingly boy hit the jackpot; the attractive, low maintenance unicorn!  Or as it was explained in Gone (head and get that divorce,) Girl, the cool girl.  The description of the cool girl illustrates what dating has become, courting for men has been reduced to mere availability while the women respond in kind with acquiescence.  The cool girl has tainted the already shallow dating pool, with expectations and bars so low you could trip on them.  There has been pushback against the cool girl, largely from women who are challenging women to be better, expect better, have some dignity; you don’t have to hide yourself to get chose. Sound advice that I hope works because, I am soooo sick of the “cool girl” too.

I’m actually turned off by the cool girl.  I’m Prince Akeem to the bullshit.  For starters,  its blatant manipulation.  Play it cool, wait for him to fall and then unload a bunch of repressed feelings.  The Steve Harveyisms would lead you to believe that once you trick a man into loving you, you straight.  (He’s also 3 times divorced so clearly results vary).  I date to know who you are and you’re simply trying to be what you think I want.  I’m/it’s not that deep.  Akeem was at least a prince, I’m just a guy with a beard and a 401k.  Ultimately, for the white readers who didn’t see Coming to America  Akeem went for (the lightest woman in the movie because this was 1988) the woman who wasn’t a doormat. The Boy from the beginning? Ended up dating someone else. Because we all know how it goes with the “cool girl ” she takes on more and more resentment in lieu of accountability and then suddenly showing up places uninvited because you need to talk, or faking your own death and framing him for murder (stupid movie) seems perfectly rational because how dare you ain’t lose all this self respect for no reason. 

All that to say, for who, for what?  I can lie on a resume,  charm in an interview but eventually the time will come where I have to prove I’m proficient in Excel.  As will the time when women who adjust all try ear standards for a man, gets one and now they stuck in a Sportscenter and chill, dating without labels, texting sporadically, picking up checks, never get jealous ass relationship.  Are there women who are genuinely down for it? Sure (And apparently they all exist on Twitter).   But the majority?  They are 3 “its cool”s away from staging a murder.  Stay woke.


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Today’s Word is… UNCHOSE


The first time I came home from work to an empty apartment, realizing I was the one who didn’t take chicken out to thaw; because no one else lives here anymore

SO, this is life now?

The first time I stumbled into said empty apartment from drunken shenanigans, fell out on my bed fully dressed, spread out and was like…

So, THIS is life now?

The first time I had to buy condoms declined plans because I wasn’t trying to go alone

So, this IS life now?

The first time I got the thanks but no thanks text not long after a few dates I thought went fairly well…

So, this is LIFE now?

(Quick aside: She even spelled my name wrong in said curve text, no respeck on my name…It wasn’t even like I was that into her but it was the like the first time I got curved in like a good 6 years, I hope she falls down steps. On principle.  Just kidding. Mostly.)

Chilling at a family function, seeing my immediate family all with their respective spouses/baes and there I was with a phone and a drink realizing that EYE was the single one.

So, this is life NOW

See, I’m just a bachelor *Ginuwine voice*.  By happenstance. I’m not grinding, working on me, taking myself off the market because someone auntie told me that love comes when I least expect it so technically I’m not looking yet I am still looking with one eye (No Fetty). I’m single because I am, and I don’t need any of the excuses single people use to say to the(ir blogs)mselves that they are good with being single.  

I’m also not tripping off being single; besides no one wants to hear the siren of the young, iight looking and unchose.  Hell, even I hate it. Even so I typically get the same platitudes of “psssh you’re young”, “one day”, or “this could be us but you playing”.  They would be correct but I’m not trying to hear that either. 

Single has its highs and lows and it seems in this day and age, you gotta pick a side and roll with it.  Whether its the person who is always miserable about being unchose or the one who swears pizza, porn and Netflix is all they need in life…they are equally annoying. They both would fare better  somewhere in the middle, where you’re not throwing yourself at anything yet still leaving the house looking like you remotely care. I like to think I’m in that middle largely with some days I’m feeling more column A or B, that’s just how life works. 

So, this life is now… I can have 3 dates in a week or barely leave the house. I can leave town to turn up for a couple days just cause.  I can see a cute baby on the train and it fuck up my day.  I can redeem some of these birthday dinner offers.  I can finally see what is so special about Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  I can see if a LDR is worth the hassle.  I can look in her eyes and see all the possibilities. I can hear her favorite song and wonder if she’s well.  I can join an online dating site for longer than 3 hours.  I can check my lease and see if I can get a puppy. I can chat up the girl at happy hour or I can lurk her timeline for subtweets.  I can just live my life, essentially. 


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Today’s Word is… FIRST


So its date night.  Now I won’t lie and say men put nearly as much into getting in formation for a first date but some work is put in.  After a line up, few wardrobe changes, a run to the store because I wore this in that picture I sent, now I’m gonna look like I don’t have clothes, then shopping for new cologne (because I mean I’m already here), getting back and fretting over glasses, earrings and watches and a taking a shot to get the edge off, I’m ready.  Well no I’m not, but its like 7:42 and I told her 8.  I get there at 8 exactly and she’s standing outside, she sees me she smiles and while my head said “wow” my mouth said “so you been out here long” (stupid question she told me she was finding parking like 3 minutes prior , she let it slide or I was just overthinking things…that’s kinda a thing I do.)  So have dinner and drinks at this jazz bar (terrible idea because while was hoping for some demure raspy r&b singer, I got a quartet with a trombone player who seemed to hit a crescendo every time I had something to say…I have beef with all trombones now.  You too, Trombone Shorty dont let me catch you in these streets).  So yada yada yada date goes well, I walk her to her car, kiss on the cheek goodnight, sidewalk lights up as I leave


So now let’s heel up, reel up, bring it back, come rewind. A different date night, same Usher slide, outfit choosing, I meet her at the restaurant.  We eat, drink, walk to car, this time its a kiss and a “So…my roommate is staying out tonight”.  A tale of two dates.  I have probably had more “first dates” like Date B, although recently there’s been more Date A.   However, there has been a clear link between the separate dates that even I am stunned I missed….Date A’s are women I met in person, and B’s online.

Now, is this about to be some Steve Harveyish dialogue on these women and their sexuality? Of course not. Yall know better.  What I find interesting is the idea that women I meet online feel more like they “know” me.  While technically a first date, they are more or less culminations.  I’ve met women who were in love before we met, some who are and haven’t…yet if we met at Target I don’t think it’s that simple.  Essentially, game done changed.  Date A I met at a New Years Eve party, attended largely by mutual friends we’ve known for years.  We actually was at the same function before, we knew eachother before we knew it.   Date B I met on (only Godsisters can’t judge me) Instagram, she happened to move here for school and I figured hey why not.  We text a bit before the move but lets just say, her bout it bout itness was a pleasant surprise.  Maybe I’m just really naive sometimes,  I really be thinking we going to dinner, reservations made and all that.

I guess what’s interesting about it all is the idea that we are increasingly more comfortable online.  In an age where 1/3 men conveniently don’t know the difference between courting and street harassment, maybe going down in the DMs is the safer route. (Although I’m certain unsolicited dickture guy and “ay red shirt” guy are the same person at the very least, cousins).  Online IS comfortable, we log on the same apps and websites every day, talk to the same people, you develop rapports, friendships. I could probably provide a reference for an online acquaintance before I can a coworker.  (Sidenote dont list me as a reference, I don’t know you B).  It’s easy to lose sight that the people on the other side of the keyboard is STILL a stranger, you may interact daily and still not know their real age or name.  Stay woke and ish. 

Personally,  there’s something about the traditional route I prefer.   I like nervous first dates.  The pressure of making conversation with a stranger and intriguing her enough to get a number in real time (or 3 weeks later).  There’s a beauty in the process that is sometimes lost when all the spoilers are online.  Or maybe I’m lost in the sauce, lost in the game trying to woo strangers when I can just see someone swipe right and know my foot is in the door.  Work smarter not harder.  But of course, as heavily as I use social media, its very plausible I end up marrying a follower anyway. (So if you reading this, hey boo). 


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Today’s Word is… EASY


Multivariate calculus.  It was the first time that it had dawned on me that I couldn’t just smart my way out of something.   I had been an exemplary student, almost effortlessly up to that point…I could read the text and figure it out didn’t necessarily need the whole class thing.  Then here I was in this class like, wait what?  I had coasted up to this point and now I had to try, only to average results.  It was frustrating; I’m smart, school is supposed to be easy for smart people, when in fact it is easier for smart people but if the proper work isn’t put in then you just as disadvantaged as everyone else. 

This is a lesson I had to learn as far as my dating life is concerned as well.  When on paper, I should be winning outchea but in reality I’m just as hopeless as everyone else.  As much as it’s been written that “good black men” are at a premium, it would give credence to the idea that all you have to do is look good and act right and the world is your oyster, but its not that easy.  Suddenly I’m an overwhelmed ugrad and sure I could take easier courses but what would I get out of it other than an ego boost of being Prince Charming to a commoner.  I could stick it out with Multivariable Calculus but if I fail then all Ive done is wasted my time, effort and money.  Of course, stay the course of Calculus (I just wanted the entendre here) because there’s something to be gained even in failure…or in real life juuuust passing (Pass/Fail for the win).  Except in real life there’s a clear difference between taking a 101 course and a 243 even if they both count the same.   So to put this metaphor to bed, I want fulfillment as much as I want a fulfilled requirement.  But at what cost?

Sometimes the easier way isn’t as easy as you think either. The same way LeBron just assumed he would win 6 titles in Miami.  Then assumed he could just go back and win at least one in Cleveland.  Now he’s realizing he might not win another one ever again. Life comes at you fast.  You reach out to your own maybes and your badge doesn’t work anymore. You were so busy looking past them by time you realized that maybe there was something there its far too late.  And so you’re left wondering if this is ever going to pan out for you? (I’m aware that it sounds insane to even ask that out loud,  1000 days away from age 30).  It can all be chalked up to frustration, a bad few months, Mercury in Retro Greys…but in the moment it really feels like, so…hey stranger? How much storage does Tinder require?  You rolling to Candibar Thursday?

So what happens now? Do I turn into one of those whiny thought catalog bloggers and blame it on the generation and the internet?  (Hell this post kinda makes me feel like a whiny thought catalog blogger) Perhaps I’ll go hotep and start blaming the white man and the gay agneda for turning Queens against their King.  Maybe I can meet a girl, pine for her for a decade wait until she marries and divorces my best friend, I get married she dies and then I shoot my shot (yeah, its still fuck you, HIMYM)…or I can just live my life and stop worrying about if and when I’ll meet someone because it’s like 75% luck.  Dating is frustratingly and delightfully random like that.  All I can do is travel, eat good and laugh a lot.  Or join Soulswipe because I find that name hilarious.


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Today’s Word is… INTEREST

[A throwback with some updates for the 9-9 and the 2016…]

“How long they choose to love you will never be your decision” – A.D. Graham

Interest is piqued then it’s peaked and it’s all downhill from there. I can be really into someone and then just stop caring, nothing personal. That’s just the way love goes, word to Janet. Unless you’re really oblivious, you see the writing on the wall and the ball is in your court to either try and rekindle the flame or try your luck elsewhere. People lose interest for plenty of reasons, some are your fault most aren’t. Interest is one of those things that you really have no domain over, you can just chalk it up to the serenity prayer or you could drive yourself crazy thinking of all 100 reasons someone loses interest in you. Seeing as I’m about 1/2 crazy I should be able to come up with 50 right? [I’m now about 3/4 there so, lets try and do 75]do I have to say this list is in no particular order and not reasons I WOULD lose interest, okay, this list is in no particular order and not reasons I WOULD lose interest. [Okay these first 25…might be based on true stories]

So 50 75 reasons someone loses interest in you…

75. They are an adamant Bill Cosby truther
74. You ask them what they like to read and it’s Zane and Dicked
73. They get you into a show and as the show gets worse the less you like them
72. They are dating their friend and don’t even realize it
71. They instagram every part of their date except you
70. Their groupme disapproves and is peer pressuring the curve
69. They are passionate about something they suck at and you can’t break it to them
68. They decided to “come out the closet” as an athiest on Facebook
67. They put ketchup on eggs
66. They send recycled pictures
65. They think the Earth is flat
64. They get super drunk in front of your friends and start twerking at the kickback
63. They own a hoverboard nigga segway that people call hover boards even though they don’t actually hover
62. They misspell a lot and never correct it
61. They call and never have much to say
60. They are way too thirsty that it’s uncomfortable
59. They get a septum piercing
58. They talk about how much of of a good person they are
57. They aren’t ready for a relationship but down to do everything couples do
56. Their ex is still the homie
55. Their snapchats don’t match their pictures
54. They like coconut water
53. They are always sharing a story that doesn’t interest you
52. They send like 4 messages at a time, like every time.
51. They appear to have no standards
50. You are fans of rival teams and don’t know how to do playful banter
49. They really just wanted to date for a bit
48. Abandonment issues
47. You’re way too opinionated, sometimes its JUST a TV show get off the soapbox
46. You wore out your welcome at their house
45. Can’t take a joke or understand fluent sarcasm
44. They lied about things early and more time passes, more its going to look bad to get caught
43. They just can’t respect your job/career…Hi Party Promoters
41. You made a drastic appearance change
40. They seen you drunk
39. You’re too much of an ass kisser
38. You crossed the line from open/freaky to just gross/sick
37. You knowingly/unknowingly smashed a homie
36. They couldn’t take you serious enough
35. They legit had no idea you were into them
34. They just didn’t feel appreciated
33. It’s been months and they haven’t seen you without a hat(m)/leggings(f)
32. You already too happy with the pet names
31. You follow too many rules/laws you read on blogs
30. You’re a bandwagon fan, that shows you’re lack of loyalty
29. You don’t have any talents worth bragging about to their friends, no thats not what I meant…yet.
28. They don’t have a masters in Family Psychology, accept the consoling and stop asking for advice
27. You’re a boring texter; send a pic, a Stan of Few Words post you found hilarious, something conversational
24. They got your Netflix password so they don’t necessarily need you anymore
23. They pretended to like your favorite show and can’t stand watching it
22. Holidays are coming and they really aint trying to buy shit but Secret Santa gifts
21. You put them on a pedestal they know they can’t match
20. None of their friends secretly want to smash you
19. The person they were going to replace with you got their act together, mometarily.
18. All your conversations feel like interviews
17. They just really can’t afford to date you right now
16. Yes money doesn’t matter but who doesn’t want to impress
15. A red flag bothers them more than they thought it would
14. They just really rather have you as a friend
14. You done put on some pounds, or lost too many
13. You aren’t dating anyone else, they don’t want to be the default S/O
12. You’re into crappy music and it makes drives horrible
11. You can’t cook
10. They really don’t like your friends
09. They don’t see a future with you
08. They know you’re not going anywhere if they change their mind
07. You’re playing it too safe, start an argument or something
06. Your car/crib is filthy…take pride in your shit
05. You’re not as over your ex as you think, and they know it
04. They really just love the honeymoon period when all their stories are new and jokes are funny
03. You’re opposed to oral
02. Too much of a prude, if you’re waiting at least tease and arouse
01. Gave it up Too easy, now they can never take you seriously

Or you can straight up ask them what went wrong…maybe they’ll answer or they’ll just ignore you further assure nothing is wrong, ignore you some more and then when you express how you feel they will not get an iota of a fuck. Or maybe that’s just me. Whatever.


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