Tag Archives: comfort

Today’s Word is… COMFORT


Studies show the actual feeling of “love” lasts about a year. Levels of a protein called nerve growth factors which causes sweaty palms and the feeling of butterflies, were significantly higher for those who just entered a relationship compared to those who have been in longer term ones.  After about a year, whIle you may feel like it’s the first time according to that sappy Facebook birthday post that people roll their eyes at and “like”, your brain has since adjusted, and is like….nigga, I guess.  It makes sense ideally, that rush you got when you lean in for the first kiss isn’t quite the same as when you just Netflix and Chilling and trying to get it cracking.   You don’t necessarily need to study chemistry to know that firsts are always lit.  (Except sex because whIle your brain is going crazy for that first time, it might take a few more times until y’all are more in tune with the others bodies and likes…but maybe that’s just me and shit..more on this later*) 

That first year love, that passionate, this person was a stranger and they’re my everything love, burns fast, hot, and intense and extinguishes just as swiftly (My specialty, as of late).  It’s something out of the movies, commonly what we associate with romance and passion.   Then on the other end of it there’s heartbreak, despair, building yourself up again.  We associate love with passion and heartache with not much in between.  An observation I could even make in my own writing, largely grand openings and grand closings.  It’s the Mary J Blige theory: no one really tryna hear happy Mary, only lovuh and secrehtare Mary.  (Recently divorced Mary probably in the booth right now…it’s finna be lit)

What isn’t shown as much, is what happens when you aren’t high off love, or going through it; the happy medium….the comfort.   That isnt to say, romance and passion is dead, but real relationships arent always dates, gifts and spontaneous sex.   You don’t have to plan a date to see them, they just swing by after work.  Texts aren’t a bunch of sweet nothings, yall are just dragging a mutual friend who seems to be in the same outfit in every Instagram pic.   It’s a natural progression unlike passion which is premeditated.  You go into dates hoping maybe y’all will hook up down the line, maybe you can delete that Okcupid account…you never enter a relationship expecting a level of comfort.  There’s no 90 day rule for seeing her with a bonnet, nor for you snatching it off during sex because you’re petty.  You don’t have a conversation about leaving toiletries at the crib or her wearing one of your hoodies home (there’s NEVER a conversation….damn I miss my dawgs).   Maybe you do remember the first time you said I love you, but you don’t remember saving Coupled on your DVR.  Comfort is my sister texts you and your coworkers recognize me. Comfort is “lol i was going to send you that”.  

Sometimes comfort can mean complacency;  you not unhappy, but you aren’t swooning daily either.  Just like a relationship that’s all passion will burn out, one of all comfort may not…mainly because you’re too lazy to date again.  It could all be so simple; marry someone stable and have your whirlwind romances on the side…but most of us don’t make enough to really pull that off.  Kidding…mostly.  Passion and comfort is a juggling act most fail at (see 50% divorce rate) but I’m a hopeful romantic.   I’m might be a bit more chill than passionate (like most men), my love language is quality time (because thats the type of shit you do when you’re comfortable…maybe theres a passion/comfort quiz…I’ll check buzzfeed later).  Too much passion is like cooking with the flame too high, hotter doesn’t mean faster. (shoutout all the chicken, rice and cookware lost in this struggle…I’m a better cook now tho).   

As we get more comfortable, oxytocin and vasopressin intensifies in the brain and makes us want to belong and protect. Its a bond not much unlike parent to child.  So lust for a year, then bond for a lifetime.  It could all be so simple.  Until, someone throws their marriage away over a fling….Brad Pitt. 

-Stan-

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Filed under Love, Randomness, Relationships

Today’s Word is… COMFORT

Editors Note: This was supposed to be a different post entirely and turned into just me thinking out loud….just ride with me for a minute

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So I was shopping for clothes, because fall is the season for stunting on muhfuggas.  After a long summer of not working out as much, ordering out because it was too damn hot, and getting plenty of play anyway, well let’s just say I put on a few pounds.  Now, since I lost the weight over a year ago I wore a L regular, I tried on shirts in that size and….I got them on.  They made due now but will I be able to wear them in November, not so sure.  (For the record, I’m going to get my shit together, more D&F posts and all that).  I opted for XLs to be on the safe side.  I wasn’t happy with where I was but there was only so much to be done at this point, so I will deal.  That’s what comfort ultimately is, you’re just okay in your ways.

Comfort is a gift and a curse, its satisfying to feel content with a situation but its also a trap; get too comfortable and you never change.  Jobs, dating life, living situation, eventually you just have to tell yourself this is cool, but its not good enough.  Its something I have to remind myself of constantly.  I spent last summer comfortable in a long distance situationship only to be gut checked and realize I wasted a summer being enamored with words on a screen.  I spent this past summer climbing up a corporate ladder while looking longingly at the escalator for creatives. And I spent this summer chilling out maxing relaxing all cool and now my shirts have an X in them again.  I regret nothing, but I still can say, I can do better than this.  

I’ve always been more realist than dreamer, as more INFJ types tend to be.  I don’t think I fear failure as much as I look and run 5 simulations before I leap.  I admire dreamers who just don’t care and just do.  Several childhood friends of mine decided to be rappers, they’re terrible but I’ve written songs and books that’ll never see the light of day so they are doing better than me in that regard.  Reine is a big dreamer and I admire that about her, even if some things are just flat out insane.  Realists are not always confined to comfort, I can recognize dead end situations and will hit eject and others well, if it ain’t broke…

I think we all need a healthy dose of comfort and unpredictability.  I want a steady paycheck, to go home to the same pretty face, to be confident in my own appearance and ability, but I don’t want to do the same thing for 40 years, I don’t want to be in a relationship I’m not happy in, or to be so comfortable that I’m 350 lbs and still making the same salary I did at 23.  Some people march to the beat of their own drum, they are a barista at Starbucks in Hollywood waiting for their big break.  It might work out for them but that person isn’t me.  And I’m comfortable with that.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… NEXT

There’s few places like the barbershop.  It’s the daytime gentleman’s club, the man cave, the original #blacktwitter.  Over the years, I’ve heard it all in the barbershop from when I was a kid to now.  Of course back then I was just laughing when they did just to fit in, now I’m a grown man who not only knows exactly what they talking about, but equipped with a few tales of my own to tell. So during my last visit, the topic broached…well I surely can’t say it here.  I will say the shop was evenly split between pro and against.  Team Pro debated valiantly and close their argument with the age old defense:

“What you won’t do, the next one will”

This mantra I typically see hurled towards women, that you must always have your head on a swivel because they outchea plotting on you, is something I’ve only half agreed with. While I agree that in a relationship you should always continue to evolve and never assume their satisfaction, the next one will logic is flawed.  One should be driven to please their partner not just who else might could.  S/Os don’t play defense. 

Bringing it back to the barbershop, the discussion switched to the man, the myth, the legend; the “next man”.  The next man, side dude, dirty mack, mister-ess etc, is an interesting character.  He serves different purposes to the relationship. Obviously to her, he’s the complementary piece, what she’s not getting from her she will get from him.  Attention, affection, affirmation. However, the next man is always a role player at best.  No matter how many voids he fills, and even though studies suggest women who are unfaithful typically develop some true feelings for the other man, he’s just the complement, rarely a real threat to the incumbent. Been there.

As for the man, his job to make him extremely uncomfortable.  Men are ego driven, if she was to leave for any reason, the last thing a man wants is another man.  There’s nothing more humbling than losing your queen to a personified Trey Songz record.  With that, it was the next man who got men to wear thighs like Bane masks, the next man who threw back throwbacks (sorry Hov), the next man who got you banging out that extra set at the gym, the next man made you want to learn how to cook. The next man continues to set the bar higher and higher and forces you to adjust to the new market.  He’s a necessary evil, as without him enters comfort, a gift and a curse.  There has to be a healthy fear that if you’re not handling business, you’ll become expendable. 

Here comes the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. The “next man” represents what she’s not getting from her man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s another man she’s getting it from. The “next man” can be freedom, a clean slate, being able to trust again. That is what makes the next man the ultimate temptation, and while she must resist, the man mustn’t make it too easy.  The other grass will always look greener when you’re not watering yours. The next man is always lurking in the shadows waiting for that 3rd missed call, waiting for you to not notice that new haitstyle, waiting for you to say “nah, I :don’t do that”.  

So how legitimate of a threat is the next man? As legitimate as you let him be.  There’s a reason Mark Sanchez and Kyle Orton kept hearing Tim Tebow’s footsteps while the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys chilling out miaxing relaxing all cool.  If I know I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be, there’s no need to be out here overcompensating like some of my fellow barbershop patrons.  I respect the respect the game, that should be it, what the next man eat….

-Stan-
   

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