Tag Archives: cheating

Today’s Word is… BEG

singer-cardi-b-is-presented-a-take-me-back-card-onstage-by-news-photo-1083225366-1544975330

I’m gon swallow my pride, say I’m sorry.  Stop pointing fingers; the blame is on me. I want a new life, and I want it with you.  If you feel the same, don’t ever let it go…

That’s that good ol fashioned begging R&B.  That I can’t eat, I can’t sleep shit.  Wanya made up a whole spirit to get his queen back.  We don’t even know what he did. But he sorry.  (probably a break baby…then again Boys II Men are too lame to cheat, he probably just ignored her call and overreacted).  Gen Xers lament that music don’t have this same level of vulnerability, today’s R&B is too passive aggressive, too prideful.  Because well, millennials are passive aggressive and prideful.  It’s not baby please take me back, it’s more like damn, I wanted to marry you one day. Welp.  The vulnerability starts and ends at acknowledgement that they might not be good at this love shit.  They aren’t going to DO anything about it, but at least they know now.  I could include myself in that same vulner-ish category (I mean, well, it’s been well documented here).  While millennials are flighty, we’re also lazy so that leads to a large number of couples breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, getting a Tinder, remembering dating is trash, getting back together, moving in together, seeing their friends from college get married, wonder why they aren’t at that point yet, getting a puppy, one person really wants to get married, they getting another puppy instead, they break up and even though there’s two dogs, someone gets both.  Perhaps this generation doesn’t beg because there’s too many options (or at least the appearance of such).

Personally, I’m admittedly too proud to beg, at least at this point in my life.  I’d fight for my wife, I’d fight for my family, a girlfriend? Girlfriiiiiiiiend *Soulja Boy voice*  It gets a little more dicey.  Frankly, I just don’t believe it works.  Even when it does, you never get the same person back, never get the same relationship back.  Begging is easy when it’s a surface issue, like infidelity.  You fucked up, you know exactly what you did wrong and how to fix it.  Apologize and behave from this day forward. Problem. Solution. Now, it’s just an “up and down” in your relationship story.  (and no one loves telling that story more than a man who cheated and got forgiven.  He”s gonna bring it up in every birthday post, every anniversary, if you die first it’s going in the eulogy). Never mind whatever issues led up to the infidelity or even acknowledgment of the fact that you might not even be ready for this relationship you just lost because it’s now simply about the cheating.

When it get’s more difficult is when the issue isn’t something surface, but foundational.  I’m not happy, I just can’t do this right now, how do you beg to be with someone who just feels like the timing isn’t right?  (Spoiler: You don’t, they just don’t want you).  It’s one thing to be left when you clearly violated the relationship, it’s another when they just don’t want the relationship anymore.  Damn trying to get them back you’re still taken aback by the fact that they decided they didn’t want YOU anymore.  It’s a different blow to the ego than I got caught cheating.   Sure, you can just swallow your pride and accept all blame like Wanya, and now you’re in the same position as the cheater, fighting tirelessly to fix a relationship while the other person holds the leverage.  And you didn’t even do anything wrong, you just don’t want to lose this person.  Maybe they’re worth it.

I’ve had relationships end and deep down, I knew if I just called, begged, made a gesture, forgave things would work themselves out…Hell, there were times I did.  It worked for a few more months, but over time I was still me, she still her and our issues still our issues.  Or I found myself being the only one truly invested in keeping the relationship togehter.  Then there was times where I just…let it go.  You leave and the door locks behind you.  Breaking up, making up and begging only prolongs the inevitable.  Sometimes things have just run their course, or you want different things, or no matter how hard you try there’s too much baggage and the slate will never be clean.  And that’s ok.

-Stan-

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Love, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… SHAME

image

HOW SWAY

So a few years back when I worked in retail, me and my coworkers would all take similar lunches/breaks and watch Maury in the breakroom.  Only godsisters can judge me.  It was a guilty pleasure for us, we even bet on paternity results (did I mention I was a supervisor….a mess, I was.)   For what its worth, even then I knew it was trash television but it was a refreshing break from irritants that are retail customers with inferiority complexes who feel they can talk to you any type of way like they themselves don’t make like $10/hr at some call center (I really hated retail).  Fast forward to recently, I had a day off nothing on TV, why not throw on some Maury for old times sake.  It was like when I tried to get back into watching wrestling, I saw the jig from a mile away and I just couldn’t enjoy it anymore.  Anyway, as I struggled through an episode of Maury I tapped out before Jerry Springer and went online.  Where, well,  there was another episode of Maury.

A woman was telling a story about her “fiancé” who brought her to meet his family and introduced her as a friend.  Twitter chimed in saying she overreacted so to prove her case (to these anonymous strangers) she started to air more dirty laundry to rationalize her own decision in real life to strangers.   Instead of playing to a studio audience of seemingly unemployed people in Stamford, CT, she was playing to a timeline of seemingly unemployed people online.  She was convinced she had to leave, but now she needed to prove it to them, why? I still don’t know.  Just last week, another woman fell for “the Maury”, this time informing the timeline of a woman who was sending explicit photos to her husband and even posting them online (is that illegal yet?) Once again, oblivious to the fact that the TL is laughing at her not with her.

Maybe its a sign of the times that people really have no shame anymore. Everyone is a “hater”, no one is good enough to have a valid opinion on you anyway so why not put your dirty laundry out there?  I always thought Maury and the like seem too outrageous to possibly be real then when I log on and see my timeline abuzz about some buckfoy who lives at home with his mother but flying out followers and by the way he was married, you cant help but feel like you’re in the audience at Maury.  You can’t even point the finger at trash television when we hop on social media and highlight trash.  Not to sound #fakedeep and soapboxy but when does anyone just keep some sh t to themselves?  We’re our own writers, editors, publishers and its amazing what we choose to release.  I’ve been doing this whole blogging thing for 2 years and I’ll be damned if I’m going to expose myself to go viral for 15 minutes.  But maybe thats just me tho.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Oh, Internet, Randomness

Today’s Word is… TURMOIL

[EDITORS NOTE: 200 posts! I feel like this should be a happier post (like my 100th post wasnt on rape culture, a two parter at that) anyway, this was gonna be a twitter rant but as you can see that would’ve been a whole lotta tweets…so yeah…]

image

*Opens Pandora*

Two of my bishes in the club….and I know they know about each other.

*skips track*

We’d be in the same room
We don’t ever say shit
Let’s keep it between me and you
And we cool (Cause they don’t know)

*skips track*

These heauxs ain’t loyal

R&B station I was listening to, or so I thought.  I always had somewhat of an old soul, when I came to music I listened to what people in the house did.  My mother was about her oldies, my eldest sister was about her R&B groups.  It’s a far cry from what R&B is considered now, dudes are too tough (August Alsina and the 10 lightskinned tatted ninjas who all sound alike) , too glow stick music-y (Usher, Ne-Yo) too high (The Weeknd).  Some songs are admittedly catchy but when did slow jams die out, when did it become unpopular to express love.  I miss wingman music, dudes singing what I wanted to say for me.  Enter the Dru has about 8 tracks that resonate with me to this day, I don’t care about artist X’s side chick. Its all about hindsight, Drake made a career singrapping about how he wasn’t shit; he’s not going to do better yet but still, its unfortunate.  Cry for him, Argentina.  Anyway,  it’s a reflection on the market, love and passion ain’t hot in these streets.  Love is boring.

And it should be.  

There’s this illusion that love is about overcoming adversity, competing with these other heauxs, break up to make up, who’s gonna text first, was that tweet about me? Nah.  If drama is fueling your relationship it’s going to end….badly…very badly.  Then again, sometimes you’re just so nice and drama free you find yourself getting dissed for a hoodrat or buckfoy because while they blowing up their phone with nonsense and all you did was say you hoped they had a good day.  It’s sad but true, I’ve stopped pleasant conversations with nice women because this other one pissed me off.  One time I wanted to clear the air with someone, got ignored, one subtweet later she had unlimited time and 75 WPM typing speed.  You can make her smile, but he made her cry herself to sleep, so that holds more weight. Nice is boring, sweet is boring, we crave drama and it’s pretty sad.  It’s why a Cosby show wouldn’t work in 2014, women resonate more with a Being Mary Jane than a Claire Huxtable.  Men resonate more with a dude from from Black Ink Crew than a Cory Matthews. 

Wait how did I get on this soapbox? Lemme step down.

Anyway, it’s a brave new world.  I think that’s just become my explanation for a lot of things.  I think disrespect has just become way too acceptable in mainstream society.  Men are way too comfortable disrespecting women,  ones they “love” or otherwise and women have adapted to just withstand it. To bring it full circle, its about overcoming adversity;

“he cheated on you? Don’t let that heaux tear away your family…..ENDURE.” 

“She cussed you out after you did something wrong? “Man, fuh that bih that thot ain’t sh t”

The new normal.  Or something.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Love, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… DEFENSE

BbJO4zgIEAE4WZw

So recently the photo of Flotus flower bomb Michelle Obama raining on the President’s parade made it’s rounds on the internet and while the conservative media was happy to run with the angry black woman angle most of us laughed and lauded Mrs Obama’s impeccable defense. Defense is a slippery slope, on one hand you should trust your partner to know better but still there’s times when one must simply remind others around them that this one’s spoken for. There’s levels to this sh t; there’s subtle gestures which are clever and effective; and there’s full blown confrontation, which is never a good look for anyone. When you’re in a relationship, no matter who you are there will be times where you have to play defense, and when the moment arises you can play it cool or make an ass of yourself. Knowing when and how is key, there’s a difference between confronting a waitress who merely smiled at your boyfriend and grabbing his hand when you see someone checking him out.

“So who’s this Siri you keep talking to”

The Trojan War was started over a woman, the survivor traveled the war for a decade, got home and killed a mob of men for his woman. These days, men have gone full Washington Taterskins when it comes to playing defense. *cue rimshot* The “every night I got to fight to prove my love” (gold star if you got this reference) guy is long gone. Today’s man is more cocky and assume their girl is the sword in the stone only he can yield. I’m not one to play defense, perhaps it’s arrogance but if I’m handling business on my end then there’s nothing to worry about. If my good is not good enough then I picked the wrong one to begin with. If I have to worry about who she with, where she at, where she going, then I ought to worry who I’m with, where we at, where we’re going? People are loyal to a fault, relationships are optional if you’re that uncomfortable, leave, you don’t need evidence or a conviction by a jury of their peers. Confrontation is never a good look, only thing that can come from it is getting your ass kicked or playing yourself. I’ve gotten calls/texts from guys asking about my relationship with their lady, whether there was or wasn’t something going on they already are losing…badly. There’s nothing more demoralizing than having someone else reassure you that your lady is being faithful. Okay, there is one thing, and that’s getting your ass kicked by the same guy who is slaying your queen.

Women these days are much more defensive minded. It’s a point of pride, we all know somebody who know somebody who’s fighting tooth and nail for an ain’t sh t guy because she’ll be damned to “lose” him to her. Where men are arrogant, women are not as much, they guard the stone for which the stone is stuck from even insects, not on their watch will anyone take what should be assumed as theirs. The sidechick doesn’t even have to actually exist, the mere idea of one is enough to keep some women on their toes. I’ve had girlfriends step to neighbors, coworkers, exes online, just to make sure that her presence was felt. As far as confrontation, they’ve picked up where men left off, they take up arms for their man. Look no farther than the Sharkeisha video…started over some guy who she’ll probably never think about 3 years from now. You see women having kids to keep men around, forgiving infidelity just to be able to have him come home to her, you can’t help but wonder if it’s more about him or them.

As partners, men and women have limited patience with s/o’s who insist on playing defense more often than not to the detriment of their own offense. She’s worried about whose pictures he likes on instagram, oblivious to the fact he’s unhappy about a lack of communication. He’s so worried about her “work husband” he doesn’t even realize she’s fed up with his drinking. This goes back to my previous point, if you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, there’s nothing to worry about on your end. In relationships, the best defense is a good offense. You know what they say, what you won’t do…

-Stan-

3 Comments

Filed under Love, Politics, Relationships

Today’s Word is… PLAYER

I have a confession to make.  I’m an e-hoarder (gotta love the digital age otherwise I’d have Nike boxes full of photos, notes etc) .  My contacts full of numbers that I don’t have use for, I still got Facebook pokes from girls I had a crush on Freshman year, GMails from many past loves, photobucket full of…well, I won’t go there.  As I clear this clutter, I couldn’t help but rummage through some of these old messages, most recently from “Ms”.  They read as a tragic tale, from initial flirting, professions of love, long winded rants because we were too petty to talk on the phone, ending of course with her determining my life is too crazy and she moves to Atlanta.  So as I reflected how my life turned into a Drake song, I thought about my other fails at love in the past year and the underlying theme, insecurities and doubts. 

I said the other day, I’m very open and honest on this blog.  I’m open and honest period and it has come back to bite me as I come off as a “player”.Couldn’t agree less however, that is the perception some get from me.  I flirt, I charm, but I wouldn’t say I’m misleading to get what I want.  Even other men have that same skewed view of me, they see me enjoying some attention and assume I’m just slaying them all.  Denying only adds to the mystique apparently.  You spend your teenage years trying to convince others you are hooking up, your 20s trying to convince others you’re not.  Mama said they’d be days like this. No she didn’t.  

Players are just cruel people, lying and manipulating for sex, money or even worse, mere attention.  There’s a coldness, a la,ck of compassion, a hint of sociopathy that goes into being a player.  It’s hard to respect, especially when playing off hopes and hearts is the easiest possible way to go about it.  It’s also child’s play, texting 50-eleven people, always lying and having to protect said lies, that’s not dating, that’s not fun, that’s just….stress.  Four girlfriends is one thing, get 4 women who know of one another but still vying for your affection is another.  You need a certain amount of money, good looks cache to pull that off. Same applies to women, having a bunch of dudes buying you drinks trying to smash is one thing, a list of eligible bachelors wanting something serious is another. 

That’s why I resent being called a player, I’m not a 16 year old boy chasing skirts, been there done that.  There comes a time when discretion is needed, when being single isn’t a handicap, when you’re secure with yourself and what you have to offer that you don’t need jedi mind tricks to get what you want.  You’re looking for somebody, not just anybody.  Play on players, but they are nothing to the  bachelor/bachelorette….

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Today’s Word is… LOYALTY

Another handful of emails, most of which pertain to things I already wrote about.  However, there’s an underlying theme in them all.  These women and man are knock out, drag out, undeniably, frustratingly loyal.  Something, I can relate to, and to an extent, admire.  I’m a loyal guy, my best friend been my best friend since I was 5, you read here I’m constantly forgiving people.  However, me and my friends fought, literally, and go right back to normal, exes have done things that warranted no longer wanting to be in a relationship with them, but never have I just stood by and allowed myself to be cheated on or disrespected in the meantime.  Ultimately, I’m loyal to myself above all, I’m not sacrificing my own happiness for someone else.  Relationships, friendships are optional, why the hell am I going to choose to be around someone who makes me miserable?  To make them happy? Nah.

Okay, I’ll draw from one email.   A woman, around my age, dates a man who goes off to serve our country.  He comes home, struggles to adjust to his former life, while his girlfriend stands by his side just happy to have him home.  Fast forward a few months, he’s reaching out to old girlfriends, she’s finding pictures in his phone (sidebar: ladies can yall stop going through phones without warrants, thanks), and while she’s working and going to school, as he struggles to find gainful employment, his mornings and afternoons consist of being online again trolling for women without even having enough respect to browse Incognito (internet history is fair game, its her computer and he should be job searching).  He suffers from PTSD and will play that card at every opportunity, as someone who barely plays Call of Duty, I can’t possibly speak on what he’s going through. 
Her question, not how to get this dude out my house, how to confront him with all this evidence, hell even what should I do?  Rather, how to spice things up and keep his focus.  Man, where can I find me one of her?   A wife with a family she’s not trying to break up, I get, a 25 year old grad student with a live in boyfriend, not worth that sacrifice.  Again, we handcuff ourselves to loyalty.  He’s financially and emotionally dependent on her, she takes the responsibility seriously.   She’s willing to take disrespect and lies in exchange for being needed.  She devoted herself to this man while he was away, how can she walk away from him now he’s here?  What’ll make her happy is making him happy, even if its worth losing her own. 

Loyalty is an admirable trait, a desirable trait, it is also exploitable.  We all have those people who pretty much dare you to walk away, knowing you won’t.  My reader and I then talked on what she wanted in love and life, not from him but in general, and then was he providing any of that.  She knew what she had to do, and who knows if she will actually do it. 

-Stan-

3 Comments

Filed under Dating, Love

Today’s Word is… NEXT

There’s few places like the barbershop.  It’s the daytime gentleman’s club, the man cave, the original #blacktwitter.  Over the years, I’ve heard it all in the barbershop from when I was a kid to now.  Of course back then I was just laughing when they did just to fit in, now I’m a grown man who not only knows exactly what they talking about, but equipped with a few tales of my own to tell. So during my last visit, the topic broached…well I surely can’t say it here.  I will say the shop was evenly split between pro and against.  Team Pro debated valiantly and close their argument with the age old defense:

“What you won’t do, the next one will”

This mantra I typically see hurled towards women, that you must always have your head on a swivel because they outchea plotting on you, is something I’ve only half agreed with. While I agree that in a relationship you should always continue to evolve and never assume their satisfaction, the next one will logic is flawed.  One should be driven to please their partner not just who else might could.  S/Os don’t play defense. 

Bringing it back to the barbershop, the discussion switched to the man, the myth, the legend; the “next man”.  The next man, side dude, dirty mack, mister-ess etc, is an interesting character.  He serves different purposes to the relationship. Obviously to her, he’s the complementary piece, what she’s not getting from her she will get from him.  Attention, affection, affirmation. However, the next man is always a role player at best.  No matter how many voids he fills, and even though studies suggest women who are unfaithful typically develop some true feelings for the other man, he’s just the complement, rarely a real threat to the incumbent. Been there.

As for the man, his job to make him extremely uncomfortable.  Men are ego driven, if she was to leave for any reason, the last thing a man wants is another man.  There’s nothing more humbling than losing your queen to a personified Trey Songz record.  With that, it was the next man who got men to wear thighs like Bane masks, the next man who threw back throwbacks (sorry Hov), the next man who got you banging out that extra set at the gym, the next man made you want to learn how to cook. The next man continues to set the bar higher and higher and forces you to adjust to the new market.  He’s a necessary evil, as without him enters comfort, a gift and a curse.  There has to be a healthy fear that if you’re not handling business, you’ll become expendable. 

Here comes the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. The “next man” represents what she’s not getting from her man, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s another man she’s getting it from. The “next man” can be freedom, a clean slate, being able to trust again. That is what makes the next man the ultimate temptation, and while she must resist, the man mustn’t make it too easy.  The other grass will always look greener when you’re not watering yours. The next man is always lurking in the shadows waiting for that 3rd missed call, waiting for you to not notice that new haitstyle, waiting for you to say “nah, I :don’t do that”.  

So how legitimate of a threat is the next man? As legitimate as you let him be.  There’s a reason Mark Sanchez and Kyle Orton kept hearing Tim Tebow’s footsteps while the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys chilling out miaxing relaxing all cool.  If I know I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be, there’s no need to be out here overcompensating like some of my fellow barbershop patrons.  I respect the respect the game, that should be it, what the next man eat….

-Stan-
   

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan