Tag Archives: cancer

Today’s Word is… MOM

Guess I gotta make this blog cry…

It has now been four years since my mother passed, as I’ve told you before. With each day, week, month and year, I mourn but I try and push through as she would want. I struggle to keep her ultimate legacy, her family, intact to mixed results. Of course it is the last quarter of the year it’s the hardest, she passed in September, her birthday in October, and then of course the holidays and gaping void that exists at those most intimate family moments. I can’t help but think back to that last afternoon, four years ago, with hindsight as that would be the last conversation, I or anyone would have with her. In the back of my mind I felt it would be, but I didn’t want to believe it. I take solace in the fact that her last words were that she loved me, but again, what would I have took that opportunity to say to her knowing I would never have that chance again? What would I say now?

I would thank her. For everything. She was my source of confidence, my number one fan, my inspiration. She helped make me into the man I am today. I was only 21 when she left, what happens now as I near my late 20s and things start to get real. My wife will never get her seal of approval, my children will never know their nana, I’ll never be able to get her a house. That’s the crazy thing about life, it just keeps going on. I’m eternally grateful for the 21 years I had her, but it’s still a troubling thought to think about the next 21 without her. She lost her mother young and even as she left town, married and had 5 children there were moments where she just felt empty that her mother wasn’t there to see her life’s work. I think about everything that’s happened in the past 4 years, I finally listened to her and got into a long term relationship, I finished school with little to no help, now I would’ve been able to take care of her if needed.

I still think back to that last conversation. What if she knew it would be the last one? What would she say to me differently, what would she want me to pass on to my siblings, what did she always want me to know? She was only 47 when she left, her baby had just turned 20, she was able to hold each of her two grandchildren, but there was so much life ahead. Would she had found love again, she never saw any of us get married, she never got to celebrate 50. Would defeating cancer gave her a new lease on life, would she had battled the demons within? Would she ever mended the bridges that burned? I’ll never know. She’ll never know. I can only hope she left feeling fulfilled, and that she’s truly looking down with pride.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… GOODBYE

The last words my mother ever said to me “Love You”.   At my sister’s urging, I had left school to visit her at the hospice, she had been there the day before, she told me I needed to get there ASAP.  I was confused, just three weeks ago she was giving me money for books for the upcoming semester, I knew she wasn’t 100% but she was fine last I seen.  The sight of her was shocking, her once plump frame now frail, color drained from her chocolate skin, her loud, assertive tone replaced by a faint whisper.  It was a lot to take in, I had to excuse myself a few times to cry, I hated seeing her like this, I knew she hated being like this.  My sister called and told me since I was there to get her ID she needed it for some documents.  I brought my mother her purse, she smirked a little, “a man never goes in a woman’s purse” she always told me.  She passed me her wallet, “I don’t have any money for you” she murmurs, same old Ma.  I get her ID out and I see a photo of her, I didn’t have any wallet sized photos of her so I took it.  We sat and watched Judge Judy until I noticed her falling asleep, I told her I was taking off, I kissed her on her forehead and she says “Love You”.  The next morning, I was on my way back and I got my wallet out to pay for the train, I look at her picture and I get a strange feeling.  A few moments later, I get a phone call, she’s gone.

The remainder of that day was almost a blur, I took my first shot at 9 o’clock that morning, I’m in my old neighborhood sitting on the swings waiting for someone to come get me.   Still very intoxicated, I pull out my blackberry and start writing a Facebook note.  Just getting all my feelings out, I was angry at the hospice, angry at myself, angry at her, angry at “Madame” who didn’t come with me, angry at my friends who didn’t reach out, it was a mess.  Luckily, I was too out of it to actually post it, the following day, I still intended to post but I seen a sign that made me start fresh.  Three years ago today, I wrote this:

It’s amazing how one can find solace in the strangest things. As I try to understand why God has chosen to take my mother so soon, I seen a sign that said “Thank You Sen. Kennedy”. And when I think about it I have yet to see an RIP Teddy or We’ll miss You sign always thank you.Instead of mourning people look back on his years of service and are thankful for his commitment. Now my mother wasn’t a senator but her life should be celebrated and those who mourn are also gratituous. In 27 years of motherhood, she raised 3 girls to 3 women, 2 boys to 2 men. She also was a mother to neighbors, friends and classmates. She has had more jobs than I can think of but always a mother and a mentor through and through.But whats ultimately her legacy is ______, _____ , ______, ______ and myself. Her gifts to society, the torch she passes on. we may have lost her but we are not lost without her. Mother, I thank you. Your destiny’s fulfilled

I felt better. It was the first time in a long time writing actually made me feel better.  Even being upset today, I thought writing everything out would make me feel better again at least temporarily.  Mixed results.

-Stan-

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