Tag Archives: breakups

Today’s Word is… BEG

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I’m gon swallow my pride, say I’m sorry.  Stop pointing fingers; the blame is on me. I want a new life, and I want it with you.  If you feel the same, don’t ever let it go…

That’s that good ol fashioned begging R&B.  That I can’t eat, I can’t sleep shit.  Wanya made up a whole spirit to get his queen back.  We don’t even know what he did. But he sorry.  (probably a break baby…then again Boys II Men are too lame to cheat, he probably just ignored her call and overreacted).  Gen Xers lament that music don’t have this same level of vulnerability, today’s R&B is too passive aggressive, too prideful.  Because well, millennials are passive aggressive and prideful.  It’s not baby please take me back, it’s more like damn, I wanted to marry you one day. Welp.  The vulnerability starts and ends at acknowledgement that they might not be good at this love shit.  They aren’t going to DO anything about it, but at least they know now.  I could include myself in that same vulner-ish category (I mean, well, it’s been well documented here).  While millennials are flighty, we’re also lazy so that leads to a large number of couples breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, getting a Tinder, remembering dating is trash, getting back together, moving in together, seeing their friends from college get married, wonder why they aren’t at that point yet, getting a puppy, one person really wants to get married, they getting another puppy instead, they break up and even though there’s two dogs, someone gets both.  Perhaps this generation doesn’t beg because there’s too many options (or at least the appearance of such).

Personally, I’m admittedly too proud to beg, at least at this point in my life.  I’d fight for my wife, I’d fight for my family, a girlfriend? Girlfriiiiiiiiend *Soulja Boy voice*  It gets a little more dicey.  Frankly, I just don’t believe it works.  Even when it does, you never get the same person back, never get the same relationship back.  Begging is easy when it’s a surface issue, like infidelity.  You fucked up, you know exactly what you did wrong and how to fix it.  Apologize and behave from this day forward. Problem. Solution. Now, it’s just an “up and down” in your relationship story.  (and no one loves telling that story more than a man who cheated and got forgiven.  He”s gonna bring it up in every birthday post, every anniversary, if you die first it’s going in the eulogy). Never mind whatever issues led up to the infidelity or even acknowledgment of the fact that you might not even be ready for this relationship you just lost because it’s now simply about the cheating.

When it get’s more difficult is when the issue isn’t something surface, but foundational.  I’m not happy, I just can’t do this right now, how do you beg to be with someone who just feels like the timing isn’t right?  (Spoiler: You don’t, they just don’t want you).  It’s one thing to be left when you clearly violated the relationship, it’s another when they just don’t want the relationship anymore.  Damn trying to get them back you’re still taken aback by the fact that they decided they didn’t want YOU anymore.  It’s a different blow to the ego than I got caught cheating.   Sure, you can just swallow your pride and accept all blame like Wanya, and now you’re in the same position as the cheater, fighting tirelessly to fix a relationship while the other person holds the leverage.  And you didn’t even do anything wrong, you just don’t want to lose this person.  Maybe they’re worth it.

I’ve had relationships end and deep down, I knew if I just called, begged, made a gesture, forgave things would work themselves out…Hell, there were times I did.  It worked for a few more months, but over time I was still me, she still her and our issues still our issues.  Or I found myself being the only one truly invested in keeping the relationship togehter.  Then there was times where I just…let it go.  You leave and the door locks behind you.  Breaking up, making up and begging only prolongs the inevitable.  Sometimes things have just run their course, or you want different things, or no matter how hard you try there’s too much baggage and the slate will never be clean.  And that’s ok.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CLOSURE

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Why is closure so annoying?  It’s the YouTube ad of life.  One last, I just need you to know this even though it won’t change anything but I kinda need you to ride along on this guilt trip me, cuz reasons.    It’s tantalizing…you want to believe being simply apart would be enough for them to reflect, learn and grow….but we’re too impatient, you gon get these words.   It’s a hail mary because no matter how heartfelt you think your parting words are, if they don’t give a fuck then….welp.  Some people aren’t ever going to be accountable, some people just were never that into you and some are probably showing their friends what you said and laughing at you. Pro Tip: Opt for the phone call/lunch if you can; screenshots are…

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I’ve been on both sides. I’ve gotten letters, emails, epic texts, crying videos, voicemails, Adele “All I Ask” propositions, awkward public declarations (I know there’s one that’s long overdue, maybe it never happens but I’m assuming it does)….and to be fair I’ve gotten off some Dear Jane letters myself.  In fact, since we folk and all this is an excerpt from one I did…

I just wanted to get this off my chest…the one thing that separated you from just about everyone else in my life was that we had always had this amazing connection.  I felt I could tell you anything and now I’m writing an email hoping you maybe would read it.  As you know I struggle to find people to open up to and it breaks my heart as you became yet another reason why…

She ain’t care.  No one ever does.  (She did come back eventually because they always do, and she even blames said letter for pushing her farther away).  It’s counterintuitive; because clearly your feelings weren’t be acknowledged prior and more often than not, your thinkpiece on this failed relationship/hookup/imaginationship is not going to change anything.  Imagine if the Declaration of Independence was just a “I find it funny how we are being taxed…”, we’d still be on some ol God Save The Queen.  They know your feelings, they were there, (they dont want you to win), they didn’t care then, probably won’t now. MY HURT WILL BE HEARD, no it won’t.

Now closure isn’t the same as a fight for your relationship, it isn’t a selfless act to show how much you care…it’s a selfish desire that you don’t actually need for your healing process.  A desire to end things on your terms, a desire to win one last argument, a desire to get the power back.  Does it suck that they were able to assess the situation, make a decision, make peace with it and move on? Yes. Are breakups/curves/elucidations ever from nowhere? No. (Ol girl I wrote the letter to did just change up out of the blue, cuz this is my blog and I’m always right)

That’s not to say that properly executed closure isn’t helpful.  I’ve had productive conversations with people but really the best closure is the one you can find yourself.   Hell, this blog has be able to think objectively and make peace with situations before I write a four page letter and I enclose it with a diss.  Some questions are better left unanswered, or if you’re so pressed to have one, blame their upbringing, astrological sign, their big forehead, their nationality (no wypeepo, you can’t play with that one), mercury in retro greys, have fun with it (I’ve sworn off Libras, LDRs, Deltas, women under 24, vegans, smokers, writers and ends in -sha) ….then you can take a step back, reflect objectively, lick your wounds and move on.  So if you are planning to write that why won’t you love me thinkpiece…
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Don’t. *beat drops*

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… OVER

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So it’s the same old story; boy meets girl, boy courts girl, boy dates girl, boy dumps girl.  Now its a shame she has to go through this, they don’t even talk, they don’t even kiss, and she never thought they’d be breaking up like this, but its over now….its over now.  Theoretically, no one owes the other anything once the relationship is over but there’s a decorum expected after a breakup.  Take some time to mourn the relationship, don’t try to reestablish contact when the wound is still fresh, don’t smash their homies or besties.  So then comes that awkward phase of seeing who blinks first and starts jumps back into that dating pool.  Personally I rather ladies first; in my experience I’m able to stomach that ego hit better than some of my exes.  They were so fixated on trying to salvage the relationship that if/when you date again its going to be a punch in the gut. I’ve been on that rescue mission before only to look up and see she’s already moved on……it sucks.

We all have egos, we all have this myopic view of self that says “replace me? Good luck” (see 85% of women R&B singers) only to be humbled that they found someone more attractive, someone who makes more, hell just someone who makes them as happy as you did….maybe even more.  Rather than accept this, we try to rationalize; it was way too soon and must’ve had him/her on deck for months, they never loved me they used me otherwise they’d be still listening to Drake and lurking my Facebook.  We accept a breakup as they don’t want to be in a relationship not that they no longer want to be committed to us, the glaring difference between the two is that one is accountable one is not.  Its a copout most break uppers will take if offered, “I got some things going on” “if not for XYZ” and they leave the relationship with a glimmer of hope that someone will take and hold on to for dear life.  I’ve seen it…..I’ve done it. 

I was talking about this with a couple friends, the most respectful timeframe to give a failed relationship before moving on (had to give a definitively timed answer).  Not surprisingly the longest answers came from women, from 3 months to 1/3rd the length of the relationship (when we get to using algebra we doing way too much).  One said they wouldn’t even date a man less than 12 weeks removed from their last relationship.  Male consensus averaged to about a month, I said about 6-8 weeks.  Of course people grieve differently, but in a month or two most couples should either worked it out or accepted that okay, this is over.  You get evicted 30 days, you pawn something 30 days, 6-8 weeks is being generous by those standards.  Also, you’re not even owed that, it could be 6-8 hours and all you can do is buy the 11 millionth copy of Adele’s 21 and get over it.  Or just be so amazing it can’t possibly take 6-8 weeks to get over your ass. Like I am. Just saying.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… WRONG

Been a long time….y’all know the rest.

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Of most of the women I dated, I typically got along with the family members I met. I’m sweet, I’m articulate, I’m awesome all that good stuff. The lone exception was “She” who I just didn’t get along with her sisters at all, and I had my reasons for feeling that way. She would always forgive them, as she should’ve, that’s family. I didn’t have to, they were immature, lazy, manipulative people. Regardless, I loved her, she loved me, and I took care of business. If they couldn’t respect that their whole perspective was wack. Their perspective was wack. Anyway, when the relationship ended, there was probably some validation on their part. Not that anything they thought about me was actually, true, but you know misery loves company. I felt bad about it, she had chose me over them, moved out, and now she was returning home with tail between her legs (although she was 23 and had nothing to be ashamed of, they were 30+ sleeping on twin beds but that ties into the whole manipulation aspect) anyway, as far as appearances went, she was dead wrong about me.

Fast forward to now, in somewhat of an ironic twist. My little sister has all but distanced herself from her family…for her boyfriend. Now tale of the tape, I was at least a college student, working 2 jobs with my own apartment, this dude is just a bum. Won’t delve too much into family business, but the point is she can do much better and no one is really shy about telling her that. Given my recent history, I’ve stayed neutral because pushing her away would only push her closer to him. She’s adopted a “us against the world” mentality which again, would be acceptable if perhaps my sisters were miserable and lonely, didn’t have much going for them and then I can see where the lack of credibility would factor. In this case, my sister just can’t bring herself to admit that maybe she whiffed on this one, that she’s going to eventually stomach the humble pie that comes from another failed relationship, that even with her best efforts, she was simply wrong.

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As I’ve said before, you’re born into your family, your friends sprout from your environment, who you choose to love…that’s on you. Breakups will humble your ass whether you’re the dumper or dumpee. We enter relationships hoping it’s the last one and with each ex, another failure. I have quite a few of them then you count boos, dates, women I just fell for…..I really, really suck at this. There’s women I held on to too long for that reason, I couldn’t be wrong again, challenge the play, recount, appeal. I can assume the same could be said about me. Relationships are the penultimate investment of time, energy, emotions…official or not, you’re giving investing in this person and waiting for a pay out. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes you just give up and walk away and hope that you didn’t give up too much. It’s still prolonging the inevitable, I know couples who went through ups and downs and came out closer, I know men and women still broken from picking the wrong one.

Taking it back to my sister, Hurricane Fuckboy has severed her relationships with 2 sisters, a handful of friends, cpst a job, 2 places to stay, a cousin, probably thousands of dollars and just sucking every bit of respect from anyone close to her. She’s invested so much in this man, she can walk away and try to repair the damage or just keep going all in and hope that this is really the man God picked for her. (Spoiler alert: he isn’t.) She looks at him as the only constant in her life when in reality he’s the variable in everything that has gone wrong. With “She”, we cost ourselves time and had to suffer the embarrassment that comes with every failed relationship. We got up, brushed ourselves off and kept looking, and I don’t know about her but I’m struggling like Ciara doing Mariah covers. I can only hope my sister eventually sees the light and when she does it’s not when even bridge has been burned or he really shows his colors. but I’m pretty sure that’s when I’d really have to step in and deliver fade But in the meantime, it’s them against the world…or something.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… AMNESTY

“Can I come over”

A text from “Her”. I thought about what would happen if I said yes.  How we would have dinner as if nothing’s changed, how I would look at her the way I always did, how she would blush.  How we would convince ourselves what’s about to happen is perfectly alright. How the next morning we would discuss where we go from here, we remember we weren’t on the same page. We’d soon go our separate ways, we’d reach out to be friends again because pride won’t allow us to be bitter over what’ll never be.  Then on some lonely night, she’d text again

“Can I come over” 

“That wouldn’t be a good idea…have a good night”

I would awake to a four page letter (Double Aaliyah reference score) about how she merely wanted to hang out with a friend, if we were friends this shouldn’t be an issue.  I picked up my phone, thought about all 6 hypocrisies I could call her on, but thought better of it.  I deleted the message, her number and reached out to someone more worthy of my time.  Why waste my energy on a debate, why devote my time to something that clearly annoys me, why have this clutter in my way when there’s something that has much more potential.  Taking a page from the NBA, I’m just going to have to amnesty her.  

For my non sports savvy readers, the NBA’s amnesty clause, permits a team to still pay a player but have them completely off their books with no penalty.  Reasons vary, rhey cost too much, needs to make room for better players, just aren’t good anymore, regardless, when a player is amnestied, they are out of their consciousness.   In my case, “Her” just has to go.  Will I always have some feelings for her, yes, does she add value to my life?  Ultimately, no.  Clearly we can’t be friends, it’s not worth a detriment to future relationships to keep her as a friend, and the ship on us as a couple as sailed, hit an iceberg, sank and Leonardo DiCaprio died even though Rose could’ve fit him on that door and balanced the weight.  So as I held my phone this morning, thinking of something to say to potentially appease her feelings and preserve the fledgling friendship, is it even worth it?  Not anymore. 

The NBA only allows one amnesty a season, I’m not in the NBA, I’ll amnesty once every NBA, NFL, MLB, winter, spring, summer, fall, Netflix, cuffing season.  As I have throughout the year simply separated myself from the unnecessary distractions in my life, love, socially or career.  No need to even burn bridges, just cross and don’t look back and get the same effect. There’s just so much else to be worried about.

-Stan-       

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Today’s Word is… DEBATE

Did y’all miss me or nah? Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed your holiday.  Mine’s was interesting to say the least.  It started off as most family functions do; food, alcohol and sports.  From there, the subject came on men.  My brother in law wanted no parts, opted for a store run, but its Christmas night what’s even open, he was gone before realization hit.  That left me; outnumbered and unarmed.  My sister still very pro-“She”, talked about while I’m not the worst guy in the world, like many before me, I quiver at the prospect of monogamy and commitment.  That couldn’t be farther from the truth, I’m no lady killer.  I’m all for falling in love, getting married, making big headed babies, however I’m not going to just do so with just anybody.  I had my reasons for ending things with “she”, the allure of single life was not one of them.  Enter my aunt who enjoyed the bickering and talked about how her and my father did the same.  With that, she gave my sister the ammo she needed.

 I was far too young to really grasp the details of my parents divorce, but my sister who was around 12-13 and already well wiser beyond her years knew much more.  She remembers the late night phone calls and exits, the unfamiliar perfumes, increasingly sloppy excuses. My mother did as well, yet she blinded herself to it, it was the man she ever loved since 19, the father of her 5 children, there were others after but they never stood a chance, 15 years after the divorce, her gravestone bears his name.  As my sister told her Ciroc-induced memoirs, one thing was clear, while she admires and loves my father, as a man, as a husband, she didn’t respect him.  It put things in perspective, while I never been too into her private life, I do know she has an absolute zero tolerance policy for BS.  She refused to become my mother.  With me, she fears I’m becoming that guy, but I’m not. Ironically enough, I learned from her.

No sir, not me.

I refused to be the guys she dated.  Her come correct or get corrected mantra was more than words and I remember guys standing foolishly on the doorstep wondering where they went wrong.  I remember lavish gifts on holidays by some poor soul who never really had a chance.  I remember after my first girlfriend dumped me, I was blowing up her phone trying to just hear her voice. I thought back to how my sister would hold out the phone as she laughed amongst her friends. I can’t go out like that. There are plenty of quality women out there for me to fret over a lost one.  I developed a low tolerance for BS as well.  Perhaps I gave on some too soon, others not soon enough.  Its one of those half empty/half full things I guess.

Back to last night’s debate, as she insisted I opted out too soon.  She thinks about my father who perhaps did the same, maybe he could’ve kept the band together if he so desired.  We could only speculate on what he truly wanted back then. It’s a grey area we all face, the difference between going after what you want and giving up on what you have.  Settling and accepting.  My father’s execution was poor no matter how you slice it but he at least didn’t go Tiger Woodsing, there was another woman he loved.  He had to make a choice, stick it out or pursue the new adventure.  My mother was a loyal beautiful woman so many can’t understand why he made the choice he did.  I had my choice, stick it out in my struggling relationship or just know when to fold em.  “She” is a good person, the first girlfriend my sisters really accepted as one of them, so they can’t understand why couldn’t I make it work.  They as women (who are constantly dismissing dudes, I could have fought back with that but I was drunk, my head hurt, should’ve went on the store run) see a good woman being left for no reason.  I see it as me putting myself first.  They see me as a jerk.  It’s one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t things I guess.

-Stan-

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