Tag Archives: breakup

Today’s Word is… SHARING 

It was about a decade ago (fuck, I’m old)…I had broken up with my college girlfriend.  I was so sick of love songs and I had to make the song cry all of that.  So then came time to make the breakup official for the 99 and the 07, the Facebook relationship status change. I was still new to the Facebook thing so when I did it, I didn’t know that it would literally be announced to the whole school.  With a photo we were tagged in together.  Stupid Facebook. I guess it served me right, I was obnoxious about my relationship.  I went through high school largely unchose and then I actually pulled a bad one? Mama I made it!  She wasn’t as obnoxious but she liked me so she let me cook.  But now…it was over.  And the whole school (#altfacts it was pretty much just all the black freshmen on a campus of 28,000) knew.  Stan did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

In this social media age, where is the line drawn between over sharing and secrecy?  Or as the stweets would call it, stay low and build.  It feels like we’ve broken off into two camps, people who cant stop sharing and people who treat their relationships like a covert op.  We all our roll eyes at the oversharer, you know the person who snapchats their entire day, posts screenshots of their intimate conversations and you’re like can you just log off and go suck his dick or something?  It reeks of overcompensation.  Then there’s people who fool and flirt all day and you find out on Valentine’s Day they’ve actually been married for 5 years.

With me, I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.  I literally write about my life, sometimes the people in it come up in the conversation sometimes they don’t.   If you’ve been reading a while, you’ll notice a new nickname pop up and then a few months later they are upstairs with Judy Winslow.  *Pour out some tequila for Tequila*  I’ve also gotten in trouble for not acknowledging enough and purporting myself as single. My friends and family know when I’m seeing someone, even y’all might catch a hint or two but outward declarations of this is bae….nah, we gotta be really serious.
It’s not because I care if people knows I’ve broken up with someone.  Its not like when I marry someone, Ima decide to talk down on “wack” single people meanwhile my wife hasn’t touched me in weeks, and then when I get divorced get in my feelings when someone points out the irony of it all.  I was embarrassed by the Facebook breakup because I was ostentatious about it, I was embarrassed by another one because mainly because it ended very ugly, oh and the whole supposed to get married thing.  Everyone else, I mean it sucked but I was licking my own wounds and not pressed on what strangers thought.  People break up everyday, B.  I think I share with a healthy balance, I’m not ashamed of anyone I’ve been with, and I also don’t need to document every moment like I’ve never had someone before.

Moral of the story,  just be real about it. The ones who take breakups the hardest publicly usually do because the relationship was never about them and they knew it.  Just like that relationship in college was more about my #selfofsteam than it was ever about her.  (But that’s another post entirely).  If you find yourself projecting or being so lowkey and paranoid that you won’t acknowledge someone until “I do”, perhaps some soul searching is in order.  Shrug life.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HEARTLESS

 


Double standards are prevalent in our society.  Black people can say nigga, oppressors can’t.  Broke people can mock the rich but if the rich claps back it’s not a good look.  Big girls can post real men love curves memes all the skinny girl mocks the big girl it’s body shaming.  I don’t make the rules.  Write your congressman.  A double standard that isn’t as talked about is the post breakup double standard; the woman is allowed to throw on some Beyoncé, grind on some guy at the club, take a trip and live her best life.  Yasssssss bitch, fuck him…or something. 

I mean technicely speaking,  it’s counterintuitive that a woman’s best revenge is to go out and club like she and him both know it’s highly unlikely a rebound of note is going to be at Thirsty Thursday.  “I’m going out to flirt with a bunch of guys who aren’t looking for anything serious, that’ll show YOU.” I’m sure he’s hurting while he remembers you abhor heels, your friend’s messy cousin and half the songs on the radio.  Yet and still, she is having a good time without you, how could you not be offended? Did she ever mean anything?!?!?

Men on the other hand, have to show they care by…Misery? Alcoholism?  Begging?  I’m not quite sure.  We refocus our energy into our work, fitness, fantasy sports and it’s not enough because you were expected to shatter. Have you no heart? If a man were to be in the club turning up to that Bryson Tiller song with the Street Fighter sample and dancing with somebody cousin on snapchat….he is now a fuckboy who never loved her; that girl from the snap is probably his new girl, he works quickly. How can he just enjoy life like this? Did she ever mean anything?!?!?

The problem with that is that, you then appear heartless.  Men are routinely labeled as detached, emotionless even though studies have shown that men take much longer to heal from breakups.   It can be devastating; you met, courted and loved the wrong one.  It’s failure,  and while the typical response is to try again and erase the previous fail, it doesn’t actually work like that.   It might take a few more misses before you realize it’s your shooting form that needs the tweak.  Meanwhile each woman left in the wake is wondering why they wasn’t the one that made you realize that. Hell, they TOLD you that.  Why didn’t you listen? Did she ever mean anything?!?!?

Personally, I’m someone who suffers in silence.  If I’m downing tequila and scribbling hearts in my notebook while listening to 808s, that’s between me and God.  My social media and SoFW; business as usual.  I don’t like people in my business. Especially when the business is struggling. (Triple entendre alert).  Just because I let go, doesn’t mean I don’t care, or never did…but their narrative is going to narrative.  I guess it’s something I can’t change, no matter how much it bothers me.  Salute to all the boys who have been told bye in 2016, just know I feel your plight.  Stay strong.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… VIEWS

So, I miss her.  

I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry. 

I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world.  She was my muse, my peace, my hope.

With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan a comeback.  I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to love my writing. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.

But what’s the point?  Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary….

I wrote that 2 years ago about someone.  2 months after that, I met someone I could write that  same thing about now.  2 years from now, I can…..well lets not put that in the universe.  As I roll over in an empty bed, I can sell myself on the fact that I’ve already lost the love of my life.  Nostalgia  never remembers the details,  just the feelings.  It’s the same reason people are still wasting their money to see Lauryn Hill perform an album she doesn’t have clearances for, or why Fuller House exists. 

This crossed my mind as I listened to Drake’s “Views“; wondering where was this dope album everyone else was hearing because this sounds like a half hearted sequel to his second best album.  Anyway, listening to Drake wail over tracks about women he wants everything except a relationship from, my main takeaway was; ego is a hell of a drug.  You love, you lose, you move on but ego….ego can’t take it lying down.  A recurring theme on Views, is the idea of loyalty, and Drake, like most niggas, wants stability and security of a relationship but without the whole commitment thing.  He’s not even talking about winning them back, doing better, it’s just blatant manipulation and guilt tripping because how dare they not take the raincheck of love he’s offering. Drake’s whole steez is finding women starving enough that his crumbs look like Thanksgiving.  He could have them if he so chose (because he actually wants someone he deems an equal); he merely wants them to never be over him. (Because a stripper should be grateful he is treating her like a human).  That is megalomania.  Over calypso beats. (Or as I call it Drakeggaeton)

Listening to Views and being so put off, I then had to look at the man in the mirror.   I’ve definitely used the “let’s just be friends” to carry on a one sided open relationship.  I’ve sabotaged ex’s new relationships, I may have literally quoted Hotline Bling to an ex (facetiously).  I’ve taken it personal when women decided they just can’t with me, when in reality one of us needed to pull off that band aid.  (Not like anyone goes anywhere when I do it anyway…but whatever I’LL be the bad guy).  Bringing it full circle, lately I find myself missing someone who frankly, doesn’t deserve me.  The temptation arises to try and fix things, tell myself its closure, tell myself I thought we were friends…but really her presence in my life would serve as nothing more than ego feeding.  Ego is a hell of a drug.

The way this life account is set up, you only get one.  You only need one.  Unless you bout #thatlife. I’m not. Looks exhausting.  As annoying as dating and searching is, its very convenient to just take oddments of affection from what you know already.   It’s even more convenient to offer it.  I can have my ego stroked by a bunch of maybes or be fulfilled having my one.  Perhaps a mix of both except Tequila might cut someone.  I’ll take the former.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HURT

So recently, the above video went viral featuring some gentleman, presumably from New York(“You Grimey Son!” the most New Yorkiest phrase ever uttered) freaking out after his girlfriend, his world, his cinnamon apple (I cant mock as im just as lame with pet names) is leaving him. Who knows what he did to deserve this fate but by threatening to humiliate her by posting pictures (yet he’s the one who’s being embarrassed, score one for karma) he’s hard to pity. Now we’ve all been humbled, we’ve all been angry but I cant think of anything as low as publishing intimate photos on the internet. I can, however, relate to his hurt, relate to his pettiness. Hurt makes you do crazy things.

As someone who may or may not have

-sent flowers to her with a passive aggressive ass card

-sold our prom tickets for a throwback jersey

-called her mother on her birthday and intentionally forget hers

-stood her up in the middle of the city

-saved a Valentines Day gift and gave it to someone else the following year

-went on Instagram and “unliked” every picture

-#heyboo’d her best friend (never pulled the trigger i just wanted her to see these homegirls ain’t loyal)

That’s not even including the classic drunk dials, long winded messages and sleeping with someone you regret(that someone being the very person you were trying to over in the first place). Ultimately, I came to regret everything (maybe not the birthday thing, her mama loved me) because when the dust settled all you’ve done is burned a bridge. Breakups are humbling and embarrassing and not everyone, see video, can handle such a traumatic experience. Thats only amplified in an era where your mental breaks are being filmed, you can look on your phone and see 3 dozen people “like” that your girl is single now, or your Twitter rant is a click away from going viral. Hopefully, he calms down and doesn’t hit send on something he cant take back, hopefully she doesn’t take him back (cuz crazy) and he grows from this just like I and many other dudes have. Just throw on “Say You Will” and your best I ain’t crying face and soldier on until it don’t hurt no more. Damn, now I miss my caramel sunflower.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… REAL

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So I got another email, a followup of sorts.  This tims the reader “Peach” (its cheating to give your own nickname but in this case I’ll let it fly) met a guy on Twitter (I guess I did miss one; e-lationship) and after dating each other online now they’re casually dating offline. The thing is she “counts” the online courtship while he wants to start back at one and see where things go because he didn’t “know” her.  She reluctantly agreed, but is now looking back at what WAS the previous year, and is she wrong to feel like they’re a wee bit past a feeling out process. (Yeah yeah yeah insert communication, express wants and all that all advice column speak.)What’s more interesting is the differing opinions on the online courting.   Retell this story out of the matrix, they meet at a bar, talk frequently, hook up a few times, he keeps pressing for them to be together eventually and now a year into it, he says lets see where things go. Now he appears to be the one leading on.  In both instances, those sweet nothings and hypotheticals were empty, the difference is what happened in cyberspace is more assumed remain there and in real life.  For some reason.

People love to pretend “the internet isn’t real” when its convenient to do so, as if there’s not thoughts behind the words, feelings behind them, people behind them. This isn’t the 1995 when the heaviest internet users were creeps, nerds and agoraphobics, its 2014 where everyone is connected.  It’s a copout to dismiss someone on the internet when you, a real person, are on the internet.  Peach’s mistake in falling for a guy from Twitter is no different from falling for the guy who buys her a drink.  Ol boy’s stance to “see” where things are going lacks merit because Peach is as real as she’s ever going to be, so just call it what it is; you told her what she wanted to here, got a couple nudes, a few lovers weekends but that’s all it was.  Been there. Its no different than any other dude lying to kick it in real life.  Been there also. 

I been “Peach” too, investing time and feelings into someone only to have the rug snatched from under me. She plays the internet card while left singing “Am I Wrong” like Nico &Vinz and that song wasn’t even out yet.  LDRs are for suckers.  By rule, people tend to rationalize wrong behavior by dehumanizing the wronged (like an unarmed teenager……nope i wont go there today, stay tuned tho).  Relegating someone to words on a screen or an intimate relationship to online role play drives one mad because you know you aren’t delusional in thinking it was real.  It’s not even worth trying to convince that real feelings was hurt been there as well and just have to move on. to locals only  no matter how awesome this new one seems

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HUMBLED

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A little while back, my girlfriend and I had been fighting for the past hour, I don’t know how it started but I was attempting to end it by vacating the premises.  I hop in the shower, turn the radio on as she continues her diatribe and calling me every name but a child of God.  I lose myself in my thoughts…

I can’t do this anymore

Why am I leaving this is my house

I bet she going through my phone looking for ammo

Wait was that glass breaking…

I get out the shower, unlock the door and see remnants of what was my full length mirror (I loved that mirror yo) she is still stomping and yelling, no remorse, no respect.  I’d never put my hands on a woman but it was perhaps one of the rare times I even felt close to it.  I just glared into her red, swelling, tear filled eyes, and…i didn’t see the woman I fell in love with.  I didn’t see the woman I wanted to build a life with, was I tripping this whole time, maybe, but what I did know was like the mirror this relationship was irreparable. 

My anger dissolved into disappointment. 
In myself. 

Breakups are humbling, they happen for one of two reasons; you were not enough to keep her happy, or you chose the wrong one.  My breakups were usually more amicable than this one but the humbling is all the same.  You go back and try and look for the red flags you missed, you use revisionist history to make them appear to never have been sh t, you carry that disappointment to the next courtship so concerned that this one is no different, lather rinse repeat. (I’m told eventually you find the right one but you know, whatever.)  You’ve been humbled by love; something as logistically simple as finding one person who makes you happy and keeping them happy, and you suck at it.  You pick the wrong one or the wrong one picks you and you don’t know better til you know better.  But, why don’t I know better?

In hindsight it always makes sense, “of course she was a heaux you smashed the first night” (not saying that all women who do… U know what I’m getting off track) The girl who never left home wasn’t ready to build a life with you, you don’t say?  She never stopped talking about her ex and it turns out she still wants him, whoa didn’t see that coming.  They all made sense at the time, well I at least convinced myself that they did.  Then they don’t and I’m tending to my wounds telling myself I’ll be smarter next time. 

There was a point here, I think…ah yes, what do you do when you don’t trust your own judgement anymore?  Buy a bunch of dating books, email your favorite blogger for advice (well I’m still here because I care, and so does Tupac).  You do nothing, you identify common threads, adjust your filters and keep searching.  As for my common threads (big butts and a smile?) I’m still adjusting and I think I maybe could might know exactly who what I want.  I’m tired of being wrong.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BREAK

Ha ha ha ha ha ha check out this bizarre

What’s breaks, breaks is when you don’t text me before you go to sleep

Breaks is when ya moms don’t stop me in the streets

Breaks is when I see you, a subtle smile like “I see you”

At least that’s what I thought it was. Apparently I was wrong. I always looked at breaks as breakups, I’m no longer committed to you, you’re no longer committed to me. Maybe we’ll reconcile, maybe we’ll won’t, go fly your pretty wings elsewhere. Others look at them more as trial version breakups, the space is there, but the freedom…not quite. Some people believe in relationship breaks, sometimes people actually need time for themselves to sort things out or absence does make the heart grow fonder. I know of separated couples that eventually righted the ship, I also know people who are celebrating “anniversaries” like they wasn’t with someone else for a good 1/3 of it, I’m sleep tho. Different strokes and all that. I personally don’t believe in them, if you’re in a relationship with someone you shouldn’t need weeks or months to decide if you want to be with them, that what was supposed to be the courting phrase. Rather, if you need the time then actually break up and accept the consequence of breakups which is that they are free to go. I can think of maybe one time I actually reluctantly went on a break and I knew rather early that it was over. But that’s just me. Basically these are the breaks, word to Kurtis Blow.

The universal code for “I had a s/o off campus/still fair game”

Pause break- Essentially they want to be with you, but it’s really inconvenient to be in a relationship right now. This is really popular in college, when guys and girls were on campus on their worst behavior but never fear significant other they’re gonna get right back…eventually. There’s an immunity clause, the Ross Gellar defense, that will protect them from any wrongdoing while on this break (see Wade, Dwyane…for what it’s worth I think the “break” is more for Gabby’s image, he cheated, she forgave because he’s an NBA player and she’s 41 and not trying to start over but has an image to maintain).

Denial break- Like my lone example, it’s over but in the back of one’s mind it’s not. They agree to be just friends but they still hit you up daily, they are plotting to win you back or fix whatever reason you gave to end it in the first place, don’t believe them just watch. It’s like getting a 6 week layoff notice and thinking if you work hard those six weeks you can be rehired, that 6 weeks that should’ve been spent looking forward was wasted looking back. One the other end, the one in the drivers seat is not helping the situation, they still mess around, mislead, and they themselves aren’t moving forward.

Single is single, relationship is relationship. When things start to get muddled not much good comes from it. Titles define accountability, you can’t tell a single person what to do, you can’t just make someone in a relationship go away and come back at your nearest convenience. Breaks do both. You shouldn’t need a break from the person you’re with to find yourself, if you do why are you even holding the door for them. You shouldn’t need a break to rekindle the flame, you can be spontaneous now. Commit or quit, don’t be a bitch about it.

-Stan-

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