Tag Archives: awkward

Today’s Word is… MUSIC

One thing bout music when it hits you feel no pain…

I can’t live without my radio…

It was some year in the 90s…i don’t remember I’m getting old. For Christmas that year I got a 2XL robot, a wisecracking quiz machine. I would play with it for hours until I pretty much mastered every question on every cassette tape. I got bored with it soon enough. I remember looking my brother’s New Edition tape and wondering if 2XL would play it. Eureka. I had my first boombox.  Prior I listened to what my mother listened to, which was the oldies The O’Jays, Marvin Gaye, Smokey Robinson.  Now I had a radio, I can play the songs I wanna sing.  I had no tapes of my own except the Space Jam soundtrack and a some Mint Condition snippets I had got at a Celebrity basketball game one year. My father had a huge music collection but I was forbade from touching his things. Kids don’t listen. I thumbed through his cassettes and was drawn to an album with a cartoony cover, I put it in my 2XL. Meet “Snoop Doggy Dogg” or rather meet hip hop.

snoop-dogg-lodi-dodi-cover

Not for kids…..like at all.  Cartoons aint loyal.

So I traded “Science Adventures” for rap cassettes and became a hip hop head.  (Eventually my mother caught wind of this and smacked the black off me, I’ve been this shade ever since).  I still loved hip hop ever since, and now having it forbidden only made it worse. I was always the good child; now I finally had my act of rebellion. I fit in with my siblings, and so I thought. However, they don’t like rap, they listen to r&b mainly. I’m on the outside looking in again, so I start listening to what my sisters male/female groups. 702, Dru Hill, Brandy and Monica.  I liked R&B but I was still too young to really pick up what they was laying down.  Then there were my predominantly white friends at school, they listened to rock. Enter Korn, Limp Bizkit and Slipknot.  I was also heavy into wrestling back then so that also got me really into rock.  I gravitated more toward the heavy metal and the classics more than the alternative. I wasn’t quite goth kid, but it was close.  I wanna say this phase went up until, maybe high school, sistas I was feeling, wasn’t here for the rock, they wanted hood…

So, welcome back hip hop.

For the years that followed it was all about rap, trap music, street music, whatever. 50 Cent, Uncle Murda. and underground mixtape artists told my story.  Then like most black teenagers there was the “I can rap” phase.   I don’t think I was that bad, relatives would differ when reminiscing. Haters.  This pretty much lasts up until I go off to college, and now I’m too rough around the edges it seems.  The girls appreciate a little hood, but in general its leave that hood mess in the hood, here’s about a good time.  Its all about party music, crunk and dancehall. I barely danced now I was in a circle who wanted to turn up 3-4 days a week.  I was a wallflower, but even then you wasn’t safe from someone rolling up and getting their wine on.  As I started to get more into the party scene, I had to learn on the fly about dancehall and soca which had to this point passed by all my Merican sensibilities.  I think I’m a decent dancer now…but 18? Yikes.  College and clubbing every weekend phases comes and goes and now, I’m an adult who is less inclined to fit in or adjust to people.  As I found myself too tough for R&B, too black for rock, too young for soul, too smart for rap, too uptight for reggae, I was musically lost.  What did I actually like?  Who was I?

I was diverse. I felt it all, all the time I kept feeling like I had to keep myself in a box when in reality, I was a sensitive, reckless, nerdy, emotional, ghetto kid. My music tastes didn’t define me it expressed me. Music is so expressive you’d be limiting yourself if you stuck to a genre. Over the years I added Neo soul, (some) country and jazz to the list because I can. (I will never ever ever ever add Techno/electronic dance music to that list, fuck all glow stick music, incessantly.) I always used music to connect whether it was with my family, friends, girlfriends, or environment.  So with each song comes memories of where I was in my life, my itunes a scrapbook of sorts.  My top 10 favorite songs are so different, some are near and dear to my heart because remind me of my mother, others bring back to a happier time, some just never get old.  They’re random because I am.  I love music despite my obvious lack of talent for it  because like writing it takes me out of reality for a bit, just me and the words, or chords, notes, whatever….you know all that fake deep shit like that.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… DOUBT

Or Safe III.  Whatever.

Its funny how trilogies always bring you back to the first one, no matter how epic the 2nd one is.  *Ahem* Dark Knight Rises.  As I write this I feel more closer to how I feel in August than a month ago.  Perhaps I should start to trust my gut more.  After all it was right about “Ms” and “She”.  However with “Miss” things are getting more interesting.  My gut has been telling me fall back for a while now but I keep finding myself in the same position.  How is one hardheaded with themselves, especially when they write their thoughts on a blog where they can clearly go back and see the things they told themselves not to to.  Okay I’m rambling.  Storytime.

Don’t Say You Will….unless you will

It was a while ago, Me and “She” had recently broken up. However, in an act of good faith or perhaps “boomeranging” we were still set to spend my birthday together.  She stood me up.  On my birthday. When I finally got through to her that night, she said its best if we don’t associate at all. On my birthday.  My birthday always sucks, maybe because it’s right before the summer, most people tend to shake off their cuffs at that time.  Its a couple days later, “She” wants to talk, I do her like she did me. On my birthday.  I go to dinner with “Miss”, we pull up at my apartment.  We’re talking and another car pulls up behind us, it’s “She”.  Awkward.   We leave like it’s not my fuggin house but honestly I didn’t want to even see her.   We laugh about it that night but the next day she’s pissed.  It wasn’t a good look at all for anyone involved.  But that night it was, funny how a good night sleep (or saying things out loud on a blog or to someone else) puts things in perspective.

Fast forward to about a week ago, I tell “Miss” how I felt.  Her response “I guess so, why not”.  It was good enough.  We talked through the night about us, our futures, even that awkward night.  I was happy.  Then I woke up the next day.  Did I really just pour my heart out and she respond like I asked did she want a refill?  Why am I not satisfied.  I wasn’t expecting her to run to my arms but what I just got…that wasn’t it.  Maybe she was just caught off guard.  Let me try again, “so what made you change your mind about me”.  “Nothing really”.  Again, not the answer I’m expecting.   Actually, I’m not sure what I’m expecting. Perhaps some validation that I’m more than convenient? That I’m not being settled on?  That I’m not in too deep already as you test the waters? Is this what insecurity is?  Is this whole post just going to be rhetorical questions? Let me reel it back.

Doubts are always going to exist in any potential or current relationship.  You never know exactly what’s going on in the others mind.  Being friends, maybe we know a bit more about one another than the regular suitor. We weren’t even read miranda rights but anything we said or did is being held against us. That awkward night is probably why she didn’t look at me as anything more until 2 days after I told her I was over her.  Her dating someone else in spite of my feelings, is why I’ll always feel some type of way.  Things we said as friends are constantly being referred to out of context (well not on my end, thats her steez).  I wouldn’t say its insecurity but in reality I think we both know better.  Well at least I do.  Maybe.  I think. My gut says so but I typically only listen when it’s hungry or full.

As she sings a different tune now but I can’t believe her.  I want to, but I can’t.  Its all in hindsight.  Everything about us screams boredom and convenience.  I waited months for a “sure why not”.  I’ve been that guy most of my life.  I’m over being Mr. Safe.  For real this time.

-Stan-

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