Tag Archives: accountability

Today’s Word is… CRAZY

[Editor’s Note: Last Year, I did a 30 in 30 challenge for National Blog Posting Month, 30 posts in 30 days, this year I’m…….not doing that shit.  Writers block is a bitch, with no titties]

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So a new reader reached out, said she loved the blog and the stories of my “crazy” exes.  I respectfully disagreed.  I don’t think I would call any of my exes crazy….okay maybe one and I never actually spoke on her before.  Actually, let me give a quick rundown…

So this girl who went to school with my right hand (who I hold fully responsible to this day) randomly asked him, who was that darkskinned dude he was always with?  He told me I should step to her, I did….sorta, I just found her on Myspace and talked to her there. We hit it off, I guess I go off to college, we instant message every now and again, no biggity, no doubt.  I come home for the summer, we start dating for real for real.  She started to get really clingy so I fell back a bit, she would call the house my sister would tell her I just left for work (she would have to say this or she would legit call every few hours), I get to work, She. Beat. Me. There. I was only working at Target so not like she couldnt just show up.  When she wasn’t stalking me at work, my boy would tell me how she just wandered around my neighborhood, she changed her status on facebook to married WITH the actual name change, harassed girls on my page, threatened to hurt herself if I left, applied to my school (didn’t get in #fistpump) I never was so hyped for summer to end in my life.   

Okay, maybe not so quick.  Point is, her ass was crazy.  Unexplainably crazy.  Like breakup in a public place crazy.  ID channel show crazy.  Actually, I think I ran into her recently, and by ran in I mean saw her and crossed the street like white people do when they see a group of black teens approaching.  Anyway, as for my other exes, I can’t call them crazy because being honest I was kind of an asshole. Brushing everyone off as they just crazy or immature just shows a lack of accountability.  Which is why, I’M always cautious of someone who always calling someone else crazy.  Sometimes “crazy” has a point.

You’re getting to know someone, she talks about how some guy was always in his feelings, then she’s the same way with you and you find yourself all the way in your feelings.   You wondering why his ex keep taking shots online, come to find out he’s still smashing telling her, you mean nothing.  There’s 2 sides to every story.  I’ve had exes just show up at my doorstep, sometimes at awkward times but still, I can kinda see why they did.  Don’t try to get the last word and ignore me, I will blow your phone up, show up at your house, send a letter, send flowers and cuss you out in the card (one of those things are false, not the one you think).  So yes, I get love driving you to “unconventional” thought processes.  I’m sane (i think), and sometimes I look back at things I did “cause…love” and can only smh now but then, then you couldn’t tell me a damn thing. 

I wouldn’t describe most of my exes as “crazy”, they’re more pissed off and passionate, pissionate. Okay, that sounds like R Kelly’s cologne. Gross.  Maybe for lack of a better made up word, they asses are crazy.  Crazy in love, works for Bey.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… BAD

When I start off posts with a song it’s usually because I like it/relate to it.  This is not one of them.  The above track is a song I don’t particularly like, “Bad” by Wale. It’s like those twitter/tumblr quotes I also don’t particularly care for. For those who haven’t heard the song, it’s essentially about a woman who self proclaims she’s damaged goods and unworthy of meaningful love, but she ride that thing like a rodeo champ tho. Its a clever play on the word “bad”, but the song, the message itself. Meh. It’s all too a relevant mantra however, as it seems some are embracing it. Years of failed relationships have all but told them they simply aren’t worthy of one. Why not just settle for physical needs instead. But hey c’est la vie.

I’m weird.  I’m not one of those OMG sex is most precious thing in the world you must treasure it always type, but I’m also not one to just touch anybody.  A “bad” chick wouldn’t interest me however, I need a little more from you.  However, I’ve sure accounted for my fair share, exes, flings, neighbors who are offering nothing but golden tickets or assume that’s all they’re good for.  Enter CC, an old summer flame.  Now me and CC, met at a party, exchanged numbers, ran into each other at another party hooked up that same night. Only God can judge me.  But the thing was as we talked more, we liked each other.  We started doing more coupley things, nothing official no pressure, until she told me

“I’m afraid of commitment”

It was odd.  I’ve seen/heard of men using that line, never a woman.  Not that I wanted a relationship but it was an interesting pre emptive strike that made me inquire deeper.  She basically explained she was over relationships all the people she dealt with lied and cheated so why do it to herself.  I guess I understood.  However, I wasn’t a strictly FWB guy. I wasn’t just going have sex and then show her the door, there’s something cold and robotic to that.  We can be friends, we can hang out, you’re watching too many movies.  It was funny I didn’t want her but it was the principle.  So I called her bluff, stopped calling, texting, chilling, come thru, go home.  Ultimately it fizzled out, I’m a courter. I’m a charmer. I’m a hunter. I need something else to hold my attention. 

What was sad about CC and a few others like her was that they all but conceded on the notion they were worthy partners and just decided to get in where they fit in.  Just last week, I had someone pour out her heart to me then turn around and sleep with someone else the next night.  Well, now this is awkward. Her rationale; that was just sex she wants more from me.  Ummm I’m flattered?  It’s ironic really, men typically are accused of just chasing skirts until they reach a point they say, now I’m ready for love.  These “bad” women are essentially doing the same thing.  Men are constantly being told to step up, appreciate a good woman when you have one, shouldn’t these women be held to that same standard?

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Today’s Word is… RESPONSIBILITY

Well Today’s Word is still respect, but why ruin the format…..so where was I….

“Word of advice, save all that sweet gentleman sh*t for when you get to college, these b*tches that be out here, they ain’t worth it”

The drunken quote from one of the older heads around the way.  Words of consolation I guess. We were all hanging out, drinking, smoking, I didn’t do either.  Whatshername was clearly drunk, and I tried to get her out of there.  She didn’t want to go.  She promptly reminded me that we weren’t together and went back into the back to the explosion of laughter by the ones who overheard.  I went home, pride intact and while I was gone, some older guys from around the way crashed the get together and well, things went down.  when I found out I wasn’t scorned or upset just once again embarrassed.  I thought she was different.   he would try and talk to me still, blaming the alcohol saying she had been taken advantage of.  I couldn’t play myself like that again.  For one she had no qualms about still coming to the hood, sitting on the porch with the very people she was accusing of assault. Writing this now, especially with hindsight on the next turn of events and even Steubenville, maybe I should’ve said something, did something, but then I was just a 16 year old with his pride hurt.  I just needed to explore a deeper end of the dating pool.  So I saved that sweet gentleman ish for college.

Ironically enough, it’s not much different.  Partying and drinking is all but the norm.  I’ve started to drink by now, a few girlfriends by now, but still a gentleman first.  Fast forward a few months, I’m at a party I hear my name yelled, I turn around it’s some guys I know from around the way, let’s call them C & D, their cousin goes here too they’re visiting.  They tell me about a party off campus at another school., me and my boy tag along.  The new party is obviously a lot more wild than the previous on campus affair, just about every bottle on the market at your disposal.  It gets late, C is chatting up a girl, basically says she’s down to mess with all of us. I’m ready to call it a night. D doesn’t want to go back either, the cousin was our ride.  I don’t know him like that but he’s torn between taking me and boy back to campus or staying with them.  He wanted to go home too and pretty much used us as leverage.  I see someone else from school me and my boy ride with her, the cousin stays with them.

Week or so later, I get a call from another friend from the hood.  C, D & the cousin were all arrested, charged with sexual assault.  Their version of the story was she wanted C, and the cousin and not D, but blew the whistle on all of them.  I was just there with them, we could’ve all went down.  Buzz spread about that infamous night, fortunately my name was as far away from it as possible.  Charges were eventually dropped but the damage was done, the cousin expelled, they all did a year in between court dates, the victim’s reputation ruined, I believe she transferred.  What actually happened that night only they and God knows but like Stuebenville, none of it had to go down like that.

Still I look back at both situations with signs of regret.  I didn’t post pictures on Facebook like the Steubenville kids, but I did foresee enough bad things to take myself away from the situations but not enough to really help anyone else.  It brings into question the extent of responsibility when dealing with others.  Had it been a closer friend, a relative, would I had left either of them in those situations?    The connection between Steubenville, the get together, the college party was the lack of responsibility, the victim’s friends left her in an uncompromising spot, as I did Whatshername and to an extent C, D and the cousin.

On the other end of the spectrum one has to have accountability. It’s the dirty side of the coin no one wants to speak on.  People intoxicate themselves and  enter precarious situations.  That doesn’t make what happens to them even remotely justified but it does prevent tragic turn of events from happening.  It’s a thin line between responsibility and accountability, however we owe it to ourselves, as just decent people to at least attempt to help others, even if they rather learn the hard way.

-Stan- 

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Today’s Word is… ACCOUNTABILITY

So I went from a victim dependent on government to someone who was basically bribed and duped into voting.  Cool story, Mitt.  What’s hilariously awful about that quote is the complete lack of accountability.  It wasn’t the months of job growth, getting owned in the last two debates, the fact you completely ignored the latino vote, it was the gifts.  At least he didn’t blame affirmative action.  Some people can’t admit they were wrong. Its understandable, being wrong is a horrible, humbling feeling.  However, it’s a necessary evil, if you don’t make mistakes how will you ever learn?  Mitt thought he had it all figured out, and he lost. Fairly easily at that.  I assume he won’t be back in 2016, and in the event he did, he’ll suffer the same fate unless he learns what he’s doing wrong (which is simply talking).  In relationships, it’s the same way, you don’t enter a relationship with an expiration date in mind, everyone expects they’re next relationship to be the last.  Breakups are the reality that you were wrong, that he/she isn’t the one, or that it’s not time yet.  It’s also a reality that you may not be ready for what you think you want, but so many neglect that fact, they never look in the mirror they rather point at others and take no accountability.

I could say the same for the ones I was with who seem to come out of the relationship with their own edits.  One girl has convinced herself I never loved her, I was cheating, I was afraid of commitment. It sounds good to tell her friends when they ask about me, the quotes/subliminals that don’t apply honestly might get some sympathy likes on Facebook but deep down she knows better.  Until she learns to trust, until she learns to communicate, until she stops blaming everyone else and takes control of her life, I don’t see any man that will deal with it.  Another fights tooth and nail, that the chef boyardee of a relationship she offered was the finest Italian cuisine.  Her heart is shattered, she may never love again, I will never find another like her, but in reality she and I know she held back.  She placed us on the thinnest of ice and waited for it to crack, I never got a fair shake.  Unless she finds someone willing to obey her every command (maybe not unlikely there are plenty of spineless men out there) she will find herself alone.  I wish anyone I ever loved well, I’m not that cynical.  However, I know firsthand that it wasn’t (all) me, it was them, and as I continue to grow and better myself they are both still with their fingers pointed at me.  I’ll be the villain, say I’m just like the others, but even in that event how do you change to avoid meeting ones like me?

One thing you may notice on this blog is I take responsibility for a lot of things.  I’m willing to admit I’m wrong, humble enough to write it out for the whole world to see.  I’ve failed in relationships and though I’m typically right I’m still aware of things I could’ve done better, things I shouldn’t have said, women I should’ve never bothered with.  I know I perhaps flirt too much, write checks I’m not ready to cash, shut down when I’m upset,  love too hard, or love too little, these and more is why I’m taking my time to know myself before my next courtship.  Instead of Mitt Romneying, I want to know where I go wrong and learn my own red flags. Hold myself accountable, just as I do with work or my weight.  Fault really was all on my exes tho.  *awaits my Obama gifts*

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… PAST

So I’ve been previewing  the new Lupe Fiasco album. It’s a pretty good album, the one that should’ve came out in 2009 but I digress… A track that stood out early was “Battle Scars”, a powerful track about all the damage left by failed relationships. It was the first track on the album I had to bring back, it struck a chord.  Like anyone else I have my share of battle scars, “Her” really did a number on me.  “She” reopened old wounds, “Madame” might have left a scratch somewhere.  But taking the time to let myself heal, I feel stronger than ever. As a great meerkat said

“You gotta put your past behind ya” -Timon

With the past well behind me, I still look back and reflect.  I look back at these scars (some are actually real, crazy a** females) and while some wounds still healing, I took them all like a man.

Take your scars like a man…

One nagging injury I have after relationships, is doubt.  I’m very particular about who I date casually and who I take things to the next level with so when I pick someone and completely whiff it befuddles me. I hate being wrong.   Every relationship I’ve been in since has been more serious that the last (well “Ms.” kinda killed the streak but calling it a relationship is stretch itself) so in that regard, I’m learning to trust my instincts more, I’m getting better at this dating thing, the key is really knowing when to cut it off early, we tend to settle for less than what we want as time passes #MESSAGE.

Another is trust, I tend to shut people out (or so I’m told) but while I disagree, I’ve learned to filter myself just a bit.  Especially in a social media age I’m very cautious with how much of myself I put out there.  I remember I got into a twitter back and forth (yes I know…smh) with “Her” and we both went IN on each other exposing secrets in the process.  I felt angry, betrayed, it took me a while to eventually open up to “She” when we dated and even then she got the abridged versions, which she also ran her mouth about.  “Maybe it’s just women can’t hold water like men” says the guy with the public intimate blog.

There’s also good scars, like accountability, honesty, and communication which I needed to get.  Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, I needed plenty of maturing but it’s hard to tell someone who’s having success their doing it wrong, it’s why Tim Tebow can’t throw and most dudes act up and see no incentive to change #MESSAGEII.

All of my scars, good and bad, made me who I am.  I could let them dominate my life, assume all woman are the same, settle for less, do just enough to get some, and leave it at that. In fact I know plenty of men and women who let their past scars turn them off from love altogether.  Love is brutal, but there is no retreat, no surrender, This is Sparta n sh*t.

-Stan-

 

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