Category Archives: Randomness

Today’s Word is… TINDERELLA

So I don’t do a lot of “binge watching”.  Usually I can watch an episode or two of a show and then I need to find something new to watch or do.  Every now and again a show does in fact hook me, and this past weekend it was Master of None.  It stars Aziz Ansari as Dev, a 30 year old Indian actor navigating his personal & professional life in New York City.  It’s a show of microaggressions, religion, parents who dont “get” millennials, and primarily how dating is trash.  The show is basically what Stan of Few Words as a TV series would be.  Starring Kofi Seriboe as me, cuz fuck you it’s my show.  One episode that stood out in particular was the 4th episode of season 2, First Date.  Now I’ve talked about first dates before, and I’ve talked about my online dating struggles, but that episode made me think about all my online first dates and the different types of women you meet online.  Now, I’m not going to pretend what women go through in online dating is comparable to what I went through because I don’t log on and get bombarded with pussy pictures and solicitations. (Well I did get an unsolicited video one time, I may have watched it til completion while also wondering how did we get here, nobody’s supposed to be here). I’ve never gone on dates and had to check in with a friend so they know I’m safe or been cussed out because I wasn’t interested (Well, there was one girl who ran up on me in a 7/11 because she thought I blocked her number).  Anyway, I feel like there’s 10 types of women you meet online whilst searching:

1. The Marshawn Lynch– She’s there so she doesn’t get fined.  She’s gotten out of a relationship, her man has already moved on and now her friends are imploring her to get some new eggplant because she’s making them look bad, as an unit.  She reluctantly makes a profile, but she really isn’t interested in dating.  In fact, she wishes you would be so awful that it would give credence to her decision to not date.  

2. The Brandy- She wanna be down.  She’s likes sports, video games, comics, beers, rap, casual sex and pizza.  She’s a good time, great chemistry then you get home and realize that didn’t even feel like a date, it felt like 2 friends hanging out.   You forgot to tell her she looked great, but she wore a messy bun and a Spider-Man shirt. 

3.  The Precedential- She’s the one who overanalyzes everything, she’s read all the dating books and articles and now everything means something from the color shirt you wore to whether you looked at the food or drinks first.  If you text her at 7:55 on Monday and 8:23 on Thursday clearly she wasn’t on your mind first you’re getting distant; is there something wrong?  You answered a yes or no question with one word, clearly there’s someone else.  If you rescheduling dates now, how can she rely on you as a partner? 

4. The Instagrammer- You’re about 64% sure that she only accepted the date for the photo op.  She posted a date night outfit, took pictures of the food and drinks, never of you because she has an image to uphold. She posts a goodnight picture about how she had the greatest time, meanwhile the actual date was awkward silences and bathroom breaks.  

5. The United Airline- She overbooks.  She needs to know by Tuesday if you’re on for Saturday afternoon because she has plans that evening.  She’s transparent about her schedule while failing to see how much of a turn off it can be.  

6. The Confessional- This might be the one I hate the most, the girl who waits until the date to reveal all the shit she lied about on her profile and over text.  I’ve had dates lie about children, boyfriends, age, smoking, jobs…but you already ordered and you was starving.  

7. The Culminator- The clock started from first message, by time it’s the first date she has already decided to be with you and she’ll learn the rest on the job.  

8. The Companion- You liked her, she liked you back. You message back and forth. You ask her out, she accepts. You go on a date and have a great time….but she isn’t looking for anything more than a friend. You’re not even her type, you just seemed cool.  This would be fine except you didn’t meet at work, YOU. MET. ON. A. DATING. SITE.  Who swipes right on people they aren’t interested in? That’s literally not how this works.  Probably goes to bars just to chill and drink water, ol loitering ass. 

9. The Priority- She’s been single for a while and has adjusted her life accordingly. She has her career, her family, her church, her netflix, her book clubs, her alumni groups, her sorority, her pets, her podcast, her blog, her freelance gig, her perennial self care vacations, and her long distance open relationship…then you come along and it’s apparent she has so much going on that she doesn’t even have time to date.  

10. Susan- They could have their own list honestly.  There’s “I don’t see color” Susan, “mmmm chocolate” Susan, “woke, but hates black women” Susan, “I didn’t date black guys until I didn’t lose this college weight” Susan, “I’m mixed” Susan, “Get Out was just a movie” Susan.  
*sigh* Dating is trash, yo.  I mean sure there’s silver linings, the Brandy is a good time when you hang out; with managed expectations, so is the Companion.  Perhaps, the Priority or the Marshawn will come around.  If you want a relationship (or sex) the Culminator is right there.  Maybe you can take a page out of the instagrammer’s book and just fake it all.  Apparently, there’s the 11th woman.  The one who is looking for a relationship, actually available to be in one and isn’t overly neurotic about it.  We can just call her, the Tinderella.  

-Stan- 

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Today’s Word is… STANDARDS

[Editors Note: Issa throwback…well, with a director’s cut.]


Attractive. Educated. Independent. Sweet. Confident. Compassionate.
(I just described most of my exes. Hell, I just described me.) 

Minimal baggage. Career. Non smoker. Social or not Drinker. Been in long term relationship. Classy.
(Still got most of my exes, a few eliminated, i’m still there)

Knows how to cook. Hair stays done. Always groomed. Puts it down in the sheets. Sense of style.  Body’s stacked.
(Still got some of my exes…no self respecting man will call themselves stacked, that’s where I bow out.)

5’9 and under. In shape.  Knows how to defer to a man. No trust issues. Diversified interests. Mentally stimulating. Great chemistry.
(I’m hearing chatter…now who do I think I am, what am I bringing to the table)

Low maintenance. Good with hanging out at home. Understands discretion.  Can make lasagna. Open minded in the bedroom. Wants kids. Fiscally responsible.
(This negreaux think he Idris or something…)

Standards are funny, as are the people love/hate them. No one ever has issue with standards unless it inconveniences them.  I don’t care that if you’re only chasing 6’4 lightskinned dudes you’re going to miss out on great guys, I care that I’m not 6’4 or lightskinned and I will never be, therefore I’m not invited to that table.  I didn’t want to sit there but now that I can’t, suddenly I want to sit there?  For who, for what? My list was very p.c, however if I got my mac on (You ever read something you wrote years ago and roll your eyes at how lame you were…this was one of those times) and said I want an exotic chick, hourglass figure, all natural…sistas would come for my head.  Reason #1, they’ll be damned if I don’t want them even if they don’t want me cuz…principality. Reason #2, who the hell am I to have such strong demands.

As you get older, and still single suddenly your standards are too blame.  The Beast could’ve let Belle just go have brunch with her girls and they would’ve told her that he’s tall AND has a whole castle, dont. block. ya. blessings. and she’d probably go right back.  Men don’t get it nearly as hard, I can probably hand wring myself to loneliness until at least 33.  Men aren’t told they are being unreasonable, or they are expecting perfection even when they are.  I have a homeboy who for the most part splurges on instajawns and to my knowledge never had an actual girlfriend.  I’m sure his mama might ask, but no one else cares.

Your standards represent you, your priorities, your traits, your aspirations.  It shows if you’re looking to just be treated good, f cked right, or want an actual relationship.  It shows your self confidence and what you believe you bring to the table.  Women say that men are constantly pestering them to lower their standards to accommodate them; I’m actually the opposite, show me you demand all that.  This goes both ways, you can’t be all over the club scene and social media and then demand someone who isn’t all over the club scene and social media.  You can’t demand a woman who’s cultured when all you watch is sports and action movies.  You can’t demand a man with his own place and a car when you staying at a homegirl’s and working part time.  I mean you can demand but spoiler alert, it won’t work out well for you.  Those independent, ambitious people you seek…well, they want other independent ambitious people.
There has to be some accountability for who you choose to let into your life, who you expect to come into your life and how they’re treated when they’re there.  The time spent on people who aren’t on “your level” adds up. It’s a lesson I’m still learning, my phone just full of women who I know weren’t what I was looking for, but #Ihaveneeds.  I can’t be taken seriously if I’m not taking my own standards seriously.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for less (maybe a few things, the lasagna game is non negotiable tho), in the meantime I #minuswhale use my time as productively as possible so I become the offer she can’t refuse.
-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SPAM

WHERE. IS. THE. FOUL?!?!


June 6, 1999.  The day I won’t forget (okay I googled it but still).  It was the Indiana Pacers versus the New York Knicks.  My mother, an Indiana native loved her Pacers, so in turn I loved them too like you would that cousin who is a little too old to be hanging with you but y’all still had to kick it when they came over. So the game is going to the wire, my mother is stressed, about a bunch of more important things, but this game wasnt helping.  I really wanted her to have this one, just for a night.  So, I prayed for the Pacers to pull it out.  Then the improbable happened…Larry Johnson, forward for the Knicks, goes up for the 3, drains it and gets called for the foul. (Ain’t no one even touch his ass) A four point play, the Knicks would win.  It was like God himself was like, “stop playing on my phone, B”.  I haven’t rooted for the Pacers since, even when they went the Finals that next year. (Sorry Ma).  
At that tender age of 9, I learned don’t be out here praying for silliness. (I’ve also spoken on my struggles with prayer more earnestly here).  Many people never got that lesson, every tense sporting event you see fans praying in the stands, for the result of a game that has little to no effect on their lives, except maybe that dude with the gambing addiction who probably bet his mortgage on the game…really sucks to be that guy.  However, even for him his prayers are probably going unanswered. Why? Because our God has other things to do, sports fan prayers are definitely going in His spam folder.  I would say His spam folder consists of:

– Aforementioned sports fans prayers

– R Kelly’s “U Saved Me” album

– Anything from Eddie Long (What, too soon?) or molester catholic priests

– Prayer for something bad to befall someone (besides, that’s what karma is for)

– His name said in vain during the throws of passion

– That time OJ Simpson thanked God like he didn’t kill 2 people

– Prayers for your cousin to get out of jail like he didn’t kill 2 people

– Prayers for something to happen to the teacher because your behind ain’t study

–  Prayers the test is negative even though you know she wasn’t cheating

– Writing “amen” on some Facebook post even though you have no idea if it’s true or not

– Prayers for Creflo Dollar to get his jet

–  Grace said with a mouth full of food (yeah I said it)

– This.

Prayer warrior gon’ pray


– Prayer for someone’s wickedness when everyone knows you just being shady, Sister Audrey 
– That ignant prayer from Baby Boy

That time Jay Z won the Grammy and said he wanted to thank God a little bit

– Whatever that shorty in Mary Mary said before she shot up that car

– Everything Pastor Ma$e said after he became Murda Ma$e again

– Those “thoughts and prayers” tweets from members of Congress after a mass shooting when they refuse to do anything about gun control

– Prayers for her to come back when you both know you ain’t changed

I mean every now and again you can slip one by, you made to work and back with your tank on E.  Maybe some sports fans did slip one by because the Cubs are defending champions. And now Trump is (their) President. See what happens? Stop playing on His phone, B.  

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… TRUMPOCALYPSE

160414-devil-idiot-1

It’s been a long 73 days between election night and the inauguration.  I’m not quite sure what stage of grief I’m on but it surely isn’t “acceptance”. Not sure if it ever will be.  Each day, each story I found myself losing my mind or wondering if America lost theirs.  I decided to journal through it. Alas we are here at inauguration and I figured no better time than to share some of my musings. I’ll warn you now, it’s pretty long. That’s what she said.  Alas, I bring you my 73 days of hell or as I call it…

The Trumpocalypse.

11/11/16 (Day 3)- I just can’t see it. I can’t see this man giving state of the union addresses, I can’t see him getting off the plane and meeting foreign leaders, I can’t see a Presidential chart and his smug con man smile being at the end. Donald Trump is going to be President of the United States. For real. Not in some tongue in cheek satire, but real life. My future kids are going to learn about him in history books. January 20, 2021 can’t come soon enough.

11/14/16 (Day 6)- I’m finding some delicious irony in white people feeling attacked as if this is their fault. (It is). They have resorted to safety pins, protests and long winded Facebook statuses because they hate being associated with their hateful skinfolk. They want to be treated as individuals, they are not a monolith, and they should not be held responsible for every Billy Bob and Margaret that broke America. I say hahahahahahahahahaha

11/16/16 (Day 8)- Practicing self care via laughter…Black Twitter has provided us with “what do I look like I do for a living”, a Shirley Cesar trap cover, and a new Kermit meme. Calls to give the Great Trumpkin a chance are growing even though since being elected, he’s done nothing but frown, and tweet retractions to things that are very easily fact checked. It’s as though he has no idea how the internet works. God bless America.

11/21/16 (Day 13)- I usually enjoy I told you so, it’s a freeing feeling, like hitting a fullcourt shot on the first try or walking away with a phone number and not an Instagram @. I warned folks about the false equivalencies, to stop listening to their social studies challenged cousin on Facebook…instead people raked Hillary through the coals for likes and clicks. People who tried to keep an open mind already have a bitter taste of crow as the Hate Trumpkin is very much is who we thought he was. This man has conflicts of interest all over the world, and is backed by a congress who will never have the stones to humiliate the party and impeach him so we have at least 2 years with an orange Tyrant. But hey at least he didn’t call us Superpredators 20 years ago. (He just treated the Central park 5 as such). God help America.

11/27/16 (Day 19)- As Toupee Fiasco tweets freely about his desire to trample on the first amendment without a hint of irony, people have made a last ditch effort to Jill Stein’s recount. Effort, it is because there is absolutely no way to reverse the outcome (no refunds) which is all but futile because as I’ve been saying for the past fortnight and a half….white people lied, B. 62 million votes and they still trying to point the finger at the real racists. Did they vote accidentally? Are they so white they assumed leaving it blank was the proper way to vote? Who knows. I just want this inauguration to come and go and for the Dems to grow a pair and fight back instead of Monday morning quarterbacking.

11/28/16 (Day 20)- The new Secretary of Education [Betsy DaVos] doesn’t believe in public schools. The new Secretary of Education doesn’t believe in PUBLIC SCHOOLS. THE NEW SECRETARY OF EDUCATION DOESN’T BELIEVE IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS

12/13/16 (Day 35)- A blonde haired Kanye West meets with Darth Cheeto, while Macklemore spits on the F*ck Donald Trump remix. This year can end now.

12/19/16 (Day 41)- As Dwight P Poe pretends to be stunned by news of the Russian hacking like Hillary didn’t literally say this in the second debate; we have arrived at confirmation day. The electorates will confirm Toupee Fiasco as our next “Precedent” (Thanks Hamilton. I’m glad you got clapped). I refuse to let the dwights off that easily because 63 million votes didn’t fall out the sky, they didn’t come from emails, and 25 year old superpredator quotes. There are decepticons among us, not to be trusted, because whIle they talk big and bad online, numbers don’t lie. For all I know, Keith Olbermann voted for Trump for the career boost after failing spectacularly in his ESPN return stint. (He’s been killing it btw but I don’t trust anybody, word to Stone Cold). Every person who switches lanes without signaling, Trump voter. Cowboys fan? Trump voter. Puts ketchup on their fries instead of dipping? Trump voter. Stay woke.

12/30/16(Day 52)- As Toupee Fiasco plans for inauguration, he finds himself in a strange place. 63 million supporters, not a friend in the world. Only person who seems to be unashamed to be seen with him is his daughter who is also his first lady because his own wife doesn’t want to be with him. The Decepticons are fickle creatures, they are the Angela Yee to Trump’s Gucci Mane. Trump who has built a brand on being lavish and extravagant, his Inauguration will be the blandest thing ever. It’s a high school assembly, pillow princesses, The OA, Mike and Mike in the morning, white people potato salad, coconut water, J Cole albums and RC Cola wrapped into one. I actually feel worst for Obama who has to attend, he’s been throwing the most turnt parties in DC the past year and is forced to attend the white mediocrity strugglefest. He rather be at a security briefing, or a press conference….speaking of, is Trump ever going to do any of those things? Ess em ayche. Happy New Year.

1/3/17 (Day 56)- We have exhausted all other options. All that is left is…the troll. Unlike racists who trolled the President for 8 years whilst reaping benefits of health care, an auto bailout, Lily Ledbetter, and 5% unemployment; I wish I could say the same about the TwitterFingers-in-Chief. All I can do is sit semi comfortably above the poverty line and watch as the same poor uneducated people who elected him get hit harder than Ronda Rousey. It feels cruel. Enh, well.

1/6/17 (Day 59)- 

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, a story on the news caught my attention. The sheriff for Bristol county was being sworn in for his 4th term, he then would use his 15 seconds of fame to make a pitch to the Cheeto-Elect; “aye I got this free labor if you need it big dawg”. Even being well aware of the 13th amendment, the caucdacity of offering prison labor publicly literally 5 minutes into a new term, it startled me. I couldn’t believe it so I had to look it up, no way that actually happened…it did. So I shared on twitter with a quip “inward, that’s slavery.” and got ready for work. I check my phone later and see thousands of responses from the dwight p poe talking about “well we feed and shelter them with our taxes, they need to work”. “I don’t share empathy with criminals”. Without a hint of irony, regular degular schmegular dwights were sounding no different than slavemasters in the movies they fake cry in and want to give Oscars to. The same people who rebuke the idea of white privilege because they didn’t own slaves and are otherwise unremarkable can’t see the fault in an elected official literally selling free labor to build a wall that is supposed to be saving jobs in the first place. People read history books and wonder how people sat by and let such awful things happen…it’s because (white) people are evil, B. Entitled, selfish, evil people.

1/10/17 (Day 63)- Golden showers, B?  Is this House of Cards? Somewhere Hillary is pissed at how NOW that Trumped Up, Trickle Down zinger would land better.  For what it’s worth, I don’t believe it, but I fear worst is coming. Urine for a long 4 years, America.

1/11/17 (Day 64)- Last night, as I watched the farewell address of the President I acknowledge, I couldn’t help but think how remarkable he is, how surreal it is this black dude has been President for as long as I could vote. How he speaks of this country with such optimism, it’s almost childlike, I almost wish I could see the country through his eyes.  Then I watch Trump’s press conference. He’s cheeto dusted Mayor Quimby. He is inarticulate, inept, and so transparently corrupt, I don’t know how I can take 4 years of this. I just picture the next state of the union as he spews lies upon lies while Race Bannon and the teacher from Glee nod along. I sit in fear at what secrets Russia actually has over them, and the sacrifices they will make to keep it that way. The idea that Obama had to be as perfect as possible and Trump can just exist in his own mediocrity is troublesome.  I then see an article on Vox breaking down his “unique” manner of speaking. It goes on about how he is to be heard and not quoted. Cute. But the reality is HE DOESN’T KNOW WORDS, B. “Hacking duffence” isn’t some New York linguistic, he just doesn’t know what cybersecurity is. This isn’t normal, it never will be. *sigh* At this point, it’s starting to feel like talking to the moon. It’s going to be a long 4 years.

1/12/17(Day 65)- Hasn’t even been a full day. At 1:30am, Obamacare was murdered. Congress grabbed Lucille and took a beating to it. Preexisting conditions? Gone. Staying on your parents insurance til 26? Gone. Their replacement? Well….they’ll get around to it. With no plan in place, Democrats will be forced to accept whatever plan is given or fight it as 36,000 people a year die waiting. This isn’t the plot of an action movie, this is real life. How could well meaning politicians do this?  I truly don’t believe people run for office planning to do harm. Yet, the idea of Obamacare being called Obamacare, was too much for them. Maybe in hindsight we should’ve kept it known as the ACA (which some still don’t realize is the same thing).  Me, I’m 27, in good health, private insurance, and in a state that has insurance just in case. (I guess because we didn’t call it Romneycare no one felt the need to destroy it). In that regard, I’ll probably be alright. But for people waking up having no idea what they will do? It’s heartbreaking. All because of a name, man. A name.

1/20/17(Day 73)- It’s official. Donald J. Trump is the President of the United States.  My President’s a hack, my Passat is Blue. I said a little while back, that Barack Obama, a Harvard educated biracial married father, was everything America pretended it was.  America IS Trump, a narcissistic, thrice divorced “billionaire”, who tweets too much and is loud and wrong about everything.  For 8 years we had this incredible black man stand as the face of a “post racial” America but that’s not what this country is.  We’re out of shape, broke, with a spray tan.  This IS Trump’s America, and we deserve all that shame that comes with this fact.  Maybe I’ve finally reached acceptance. Or as close as I will ever get.  I wrote this entry in advance, as I plan to spend my Friday ignoring any and everything Inauguration related.  Self care is important. I can’t bury myself forever, I will be back knucking, bucking and ready to fight.  Just not today.    I can’t believe this country did this to ourselves.

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… FENCES

So after an eventful day that involved a flat tire, a dirty macking tow driver, a joyride with a Jamaican delivery driver, an Uber kidnapping attempt, a curve and a bottle of wine (my life is a Seinfeld episode)…I eventually saw Fences. I had heard such great reviews I broke my usual only go to the movie theatre for blockbusters rule and checked it out.  What really made me intrigued was I seen a clip going around of James Earl Jones and Denzel’s play performances in a who did it better, and while the question was dumb what scene itself spoke to me.  The son, Cory, asked his father “why don’t you like me?”  You would think at this point there would be a denial, an apology, and a hug while sitcom music played.  Instead, the father, Troy, responds with a passionate rant about providing, responsibility, respect and to answer his question liking his ass wasn’t part of the deal.  (Sidenote: watching the clips, Mufasa is taken dead seriously while Denzel’s damn near has a laugh track…wonder why that is).  But that scene right there, was my father. He provided, he disciplined, he handled business.  I turned out pretty dope so props to him.  I could call him today if I needed anything. Call him to talk just to chat, talk about the game, not necessarily.  It’s a reality we are both aware of, promise to work to be better at, over the years we’ve had more father/son outings but it always returns back to normal after a while. Now, I love my father, he loves me…but we aren’t friends. I struggle with that sometimes. 

In some regard I sound…ungrateful, I didn’t want for much, material wise.  Most of my friends don’t even know theirs.  And frankly, he’s the only parent I have left.  My sisters adore him, so my indifference goes off as smoothly as telling J Cole fans he’s been making the same album for 5 years. Even in Fences, Troy is a drunk and an adulterer and it’s easy to follow along as Cory becomes too through with him.  In my life, my father isn’t perfect but he took care of his children.  Now I’m  grown and I don’t necessarily need anything from him…so what do we do here?  Cory eventually found himself, as a grown man, defiant of his father; I guess I fear appearing the same.  I also feel like the buck should stop somewhere, that passing down generations of tough love and indifference can’t be healthy.  That maybe it gets better with time, my father and grandfather weren’t close, that went down to me and I guess it’s on me to end the cycle so to speak.

We aren’t our parents, working the same old job for 30 years to pay off our mortgage before we can retire in an empty nest.  Millennials wonder why not do something different? As society shifts views on masculinity, sexuality, mental health, the I’m the parent tough love,  do what I say because you’re in my house, try Jesus but you best not try me mentality…who knows if it’ll work on (whatever we gonna call these little niglets generation).   “I’m not one of ya lil friends” should be in the NMAAHC if it isn’t already.  I was raised with tough love, I got beatings, told to man up, lectured on respectability politics, had a list of chores every weekend and left home at 18. I’m certain this next generation will be raised different. Because society is different.  

At the end of Fences, Cory/Troy never mended (ba-dum-tss) their relationship and the moral of the story was, he wasn’t perfect but he was yours.  I feel like that’s where I’m at right now.  That I can chalk it up to it being a different era. Of course, we’re both still here so it’s not too late to change the dynamic, maybe I’ll ask him if he’s seen it. He’d probably be team Troy. Parents, man. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… GIFTS

[Editors Note: Yeah, it’s a throwback. Merry Bhristmas and all that.  Be back next week. I think. Pretty sure tho.]

Tis the season to be jolly. Meh, not really. Anyway, Christmas time is around the corner and as we all make our lists and check it twice we stumble upon a boo that wasn’t there last year. New boos are hardest to get gifts for because obviously you don’t know them as well and you don’t know their own gifting ways. Ever get a gift for someone and get nothing in return, awkward. Ever do so a good 4-5 years in a row? Bah, humbug. Now, I’m an easy guy to shop for. I talk a lot about things I need or will treat myself to and because I’m a horrible procrastinator it’s very easy to beat me to the punch. I think men in general are like this, unless they are like Hurricane Buckfoy or some other lame, they don’t care about gifts they appreciate gestures that
a)showed you pay attention
b)takes something off their own to do list.

Women, I can say not so much. Feel free to disagree, but one of my favorite gifts last year was a new pair of clippers, buy a girl a blowdrier she’ll look sicker than an Alabama fan. Look at mother’s day sales, it’s for jewelry, flowers, spa trips. Father’s Day it’s tools and ties and sh t for work. Women appreciate spoils, men appreciate appreciation. It could all be so simple, but women rather make it hard when it comes to getting their #him a gift for Christmas, I’ve personally had my share of bad gifts. Some will be on this list of gifts not to get your man

The I Got Cash #struggleface

Cash- Where was you in the first paragraph, men like things they don’t have to get themselves. A couple years back, I asked “She” for an ipod touch, she apparently couldn’t find one and gave me the cash to get it myself, the cash went to bills and I haven’t had an ipod since. (Reminder this was written in 2012. iPod Touch…remember that was a thing?)

Gaming Consoles- There isn’t a man who wouldn’t appreciate an XBox One or PS4 (don’t get the PS4 Pro, it’s trash) this year but personally I’m just leery of any girlfriend making that large a purchase for someone unless it’s really real. Also the rule of thumb of gifts in general is don’t buy anything you can’t afford to replace.

Gift Cards that don’t cover sh*t– Gift cards are always the go to gifts right? However don’t get me a $20 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods and I can’t even buy a single item without shelling out my own money, it’s pretty much the equivalent of a coupon. Go hard or go home

Framed Picture– That’s for you not him. Something to put in his crib or office that lets everyone know you’ve arrived. If you’re going to go that route, go the extra mile and get a painting at least or something that shows you went beyond the neighborhood CVS

Clothes-Personally I don’t mind when a woman adds a touch of her own style to my wardrobe, I also prefer to do that while shopping together. Some men don’t even want that much, and rather not be bothered with what you think might look good on them. *side eyes my closet*

Wrong Item-If you don’t know, ask. I don’t know how one could mess up in a Google era but if you’re going to get him NBA 2K17, don’t get 2k16, if you’re going to get him a case for his tablet, make sure it fits. Nothing puts a damper on a holiday than striking out at the plate and knowing you can’t do anything about it until the next day. Hopefully, you’re doing the exchange (because again men like things they don’t have to get themselves)

Music-Unless he’s an avid collector, let’s be real no one buys music anymore, it’s streamed or downloaded now.

Some Assembly Required-Once again the ghost of Christmas past visits, I received one of those portable closet wardrobe thingys, it was something I did need at the time but, it came in a nice box with 40 pieces and only thing worse than going out and buying my gift is building it now if only I had some…

Tools– Unless it’s for their actual job, stay away from Home Depot this Holiday season (unless you’re buying a tree). I received a power drill once, it’s been useful to me over the years but bear in mind, I’m an accountant.

Colognes-Men who wear colognes know their colognes. Unless it’s something specific it’s probably better to leave it alone.

Now if you’ve bought any of these gifts or plan on it I suggest you go back to the drawing board, or talk to him and make sure he’s one of the exceptions. Otherwise, go with the 2 original guidelines, show you’ve been paying attention and get something he really didn’t want to have to get himself. If you haven’t then, are you sure that’s your man?

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HOLIDAY

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  I mean technically I would argue that Fall is, but there’s no song for it.  As the holidays approach, so do the holiday parties; the one day your company tries to buy back your love after all the bullshit they put you through over the year.  For what it’s worth, I enjoy holiday parties.  I enjoy seeing people out of their usual element and get routinely amazed how people take a few shots and completely forget they are still at a work function.  Every year I sit and babysit my drink and watch colleagues make asses of themselves, I’m not that heroic.  I remember at one job I had, a manager got lit and I’m pretty sure she shot her shot at every brother on the payroll.  Someone may have took her up on that offer.  We still judge him. Drunk white women are predatory as fuck with black men, but that’s another post for another day.  The best parties to attend are other peoples’, I can be charming and social with no expectation that this same me will be here on Monday morning.  So as I’m sure you enjoy your holiday party shenanigans this weekend; just remember the rules to live by:

  1. If it’s not open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s Happy Hour.
  2. If it is open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s a challenge
  3. In spite of #2, handle your liquor
  4. I’m probably going to forget your +1s name by time the handshake ends
  5. Yes, white people you can dance. You still can’t dance alone.
  6. Don’t talk to me about work.
  7. You’re allowed 3 snapchats tops. After that you’re just being the feds
  8. I know it won’t but I want the ugly sweater trend to die in a fiery crash.
  9. Just because we shared a laugh at the party, doesn’t mean its now our inside joke for the next 6 months
  10. Always arrive a little late, black people…well y’all know.
  11. Don’t stare at the health crazed vegan on their 4th drink. You don’t know their life.
  12. The worst person in the world is the one person who didn’t go to the party but insists on full recaps on Monday.
  13. Just because they’re wife/husband ain’t there doesn’t mean they aren’t still married, savage
  14. Be mindful of your Yankee Swap gifts; last year someone brought a 50 Shades of Chicken cookbook, thankfully a white woman opened it
  15. The Yankee Swap isn’t that deep you can just buy those wine glasses, Susan
  16. If your workhusband/workwife is more attractive than your date, watch how more flirty they get going forward
  17. Don’t try to to pull the intern, have some couth
  18. You can learn everything about how a coworker feels about you by how their date reacts to your name
  19. Don’t be the ones starting rumors on Monday, stay out grown folks business
  20. Festive Casual isn’t a t shirt
  21. The boss always notices who wasn’t paying attention when they was giving a few words
  22. If someone asks you how many drinks/plates you have…it’s not a genuine inquiry, have the clapback ready
  23. Greet your boss, greet their date, avoid them for the rest of the evening
  24. One day we going to have to tell white people we don’t do Kwanzaa so they can stop trying to squeeze it in…the hell is Kwanzaa Bread Pudding, B
  25. And most important of all, don’t end up in HR on Monday.  Getting fired for Holiday Party shenanigans is literally getting fired on your day off. You got to be a dumb muhfugga to get fired on your day off.

-Stan-

 

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