Category Archives: Randomness

Today’s Word is… TWENTYSOMETHING 

So the other day, me and some people were discussing Xxxtentatacion (yeah I don’t know how to pronounce this shit neither, nor do I care to learn).  From what I understood, he made dark emo tumblr teen music and I’m #damnnear30.  Issa no for me dog.   I have bills, a 401k, and just left a farmers market… Nothing about XXXtentimesseven appeals to me.  Do your thing lil nigga, it’s just not for me. (actually don’t, I did a little more reading on this dude… He’s like a psychopath, like sentient Eminem lyrics, they need to just come collect him like they did Bobby Shmurda. Free Bobby Shmurda.)  Anyway, the whole conversation showed me how entrenched in my damnnear30ness I’ve become, I’m not quite old head status, I’m still good for eating a beef patty and chips for dinner and I laughed someone’s name being “Will Laycock” but otherwise there’s just some things I’m unabashedly too damn old for as grown man who’s #damnnear30.  How many? Damn near 30. Such as

  1. 18+ parties
  2. Any new social media platform, when Twitter goes I’m going down with the ship
  3. Cheap bedding from Target
  4. Dating women under 25
  5. Smoking weed (yeah yeah legal but personally I made it this far never trying it there’s no reason to pick up a vice this late in the game) 
  6.  Getting carded, like bruh I have a whole beard and my voice is deeper than yours how dare you
  7. Trips where I’m sharing a hotel room with anyone I’m not sleeping with
  8. Fist fights….well… Just don’t get hit in the face, you too old for fat lips.
  9. Not holding my liquor and being around others who can’t
  10. Flying Spirit Airlines
  11. Not being real about what you’re looking for whether it’s a a serious relationship or the opposite 
  12. Not owning a suit
  13. Posters on the wall without frames.
  14. Trying to keep up with these dance crazes, if you danced to Knuck if You Buck you cannot Juju on the Beat.
  15. That blonde Mohawk style 
  16. Hooking up at the movies
  17. Asking people on dates to the movies for that purpose 
  18. Sex on twin beds
  19. Wearing jerseys of anyone younger than you
  20.  Kicking it with “friends” you actually don’t rock with like that
  21. Living at home for free
  22. Getting your phone cut off…not storing your new number until you prove you can keep it
  23. Actually getting angry at alma mater/BGLO slander
  24. Lying to your parents bout silly shit* (if you’re American*)
  25. Hitting up promoters to get on the guest list, unless you’re visiting the city or it’s a birthday
  26. Drinking alcohol that comes in a plastic bottle; including the mystery punch that always pops up at kickbacks.  
  27. Reaffirming your blackness, a decade removed from being called oreo in high school 
  28. Not shooting your shot. 
  29. Trying to understand these newbreeds music tastes… We pretended Tony Yayo could rap and did the chicken noodle soup with a soda on a side.  We had to learn, so will they

Now, do I have to say that these aren’t set in stone and if you are my age or older don’t take offense? Well…actually, I don’t this time. Because I am judging you. I want better for you.   There are exceptions though, professional athletes tend to act about 5 years younger, rappers closer to 8. Mo money, no progress.  The rest of us have the wisdom to know better, so act accordingly.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PERFORMATIVE 

On today’s episode of  “Whose Man’s is this anyway”, the legend of Supercuts.  So Boston has a…reputation for not having a lot of black people in spite of being about 25% black. Growing up, I had a bunch of black friends, went to pretty diverse schools and even while attending a PWI, largely kicked it with black people.  I say all that to say I never struggled with finding black here.  Then there’s, let’s call him Joe.  Joe moved to Boston for school, landed a nice gig figured he should make some roots.  Joe finds a black networking group, makes a few friends and talks about how glad he was to find his folk. White people are exhausting.  Now,  he was amongst his own and feeling safe around his peers Joe asks the one question every black man in a new city must know… 

“so where can I get a fresh cut at?” 

My peers and I get ready to toss out suggestions because in situations like these you gotta ride for YOUR barber like you would your house on Game of Thrones.  Lamont, the sage House Cut N Edge, architect of fades, beard slayer… But then Joe provided a follow up…

“but I mean, I don’t want to go to the hood tho… I’d go to Supercuts before all that” 

And like that it was maaaaan, fuck your haircut.  Granted,  my barbershop isn’t in the hood (rather the hood is not longer in that area) but why give that level of satisfaction.  Maybe Supercuts Joe picked up some bad habits hanging with Dwight, or maybe he is just a blavity black.  

“Blavity blacks” (h/t @hausmuva And no shade to Blavity but it’s hard to resist good alliteration) are black people acting like white people trying to be down with black people, but they ARE black so it isn’t really appropriation as much as it’s… performative.  They dusted off an old invite to the cookout and you don’t really ask what took them so long to slide through because they brought good liquor.  (see Glover, Donald. Peele, Jordan.)  After years of lamenting not being black enough, or being awkward and being a special snowflake because they listened to The Strokes more than the Blueprint in 2001, now they blackity black black y’all. 

Blavity blacks are the type to wax poetically about how iconic and black Redman’s MTV Cribs episode was while they wouldn’t be caught dead in the hood because in real life they identify more with the MTV crew than Redman.  Blavity Blacks looooove them a black catchphrase t shirt about “these hands” being “carefree” and “unapologetic” but let their white friends touch their hair.  They write 25 tweet threads about the time a white cashier punked them. They act as if liking “Bodak Yellow” is a guilty pleasure like they aren’t the target demo. Blavity blacks wear du rags ironically, have flings with hood folk but won’t settle for them and oversell their affinity for chicken and Henny.  They buy “melanin” t shirts to support black business but wishes the Jamaican spot joins UberEats so they can stop going to *that* part of town.  Blavity blacks assign fake deep sociopolitical labels to rappers because then it’s okay to enjoy them.  

For what it’s worth, blavity blacks largely aren’t hurting nobody…its just extremely corny.  Because who are you explaining your blackness to?  I’m not impressed that you know the words to Wipe Me Down, I damn near expect it.  Perhaps it’s because I never struggled with my identity in that regard that I find it so eye roll worthy.  Or maybe I just never viewed blackness as how many pop culture references you know or if you can swag surf.  I’m Black because my parents are. And they parents. And they parents.  That would be a fact whether I watched Martin or Seinfeld growing up. 

However, what I do take umbrage with is the faux elitism.  I would never turn my nose at others or play superior on the internet like I’m not from the hood my damn self.  I’m sure I have some blavity black qualities  There’s plenty blocks I won’t milly rock on, and some things I make a little bit (seriously like it’s a little bit) too much to do anymore.   I don’t need to qualify my black ass tendencies or affirm it via t shirt.  Neither do the blavity blacks; yet there they go calling Young Thug a carefree black boy so people won’t judge them for bumping “Digits”.   You ain’t gotta lie to kick it, B. 

Stay black. 

-Stan-  

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Today’s Word is… SNAPCHAT

I have a love/hate relationship with Snapchat.  Sure, the idea of a taking a picture with a puppy filter or spending time creating a cartoon versions of yourself is fairly puerile. At least,  that part at least speaks to the layer of corniness that lies within me.  I’m not one of those weird people who hate filters because how dare someone look more attractive in a picture they took themselves for public consumption.   I enjoy watching other people’s “stories”, Sunday morning is perhaps the best time, the people I follow tend to have…eventful Saturday nights, while I’m a child of God. (who watches ratchet snaps on Sunday mornings… I’m just a person).  As for what I hate… I mean besides the massive battery drain, really creepy snap map feature, and the false sense of security that is a “disappearing” snap that anyone with a jailbroken/rooted device and see and keep forever?  Ironically, it was the same thing I love about Sunday morning. 

It happened when went out the other night and found myself on the wrong side of the snap, everyone snapping themselves and no one really dancing.  Then the few who were, now they are being snapped.  I’m sure your curated snaps are lit but as someone who was there in real lif,  I was bored cuz everyone wanted to snap that Bodak Yellow was playing instead of dance to it. Gone are the days when you had to rely on the club photographer who takes the sweaty high res picture that is never as flattering as you thought it was that night.  Even just a quick few group pics, now everyone is damn Spielberg.  Doing a public service that no one asked for.  Everyone doesn’t need to be “there”.  I just watched a video of Steph Curry making fun of LeBron at a wedding and my first thought was, (lightskinneds have no couth) and the second was, you were a guest at that man’s wedding B, who raised you?  Or is that just the voyeuristic society we live in now. 

What is the point of paying for a concert that you gonna record for free?  Do people realize that dark clubs and deep bass don’t make for quality content?  So not only are you killing the vibe but then the snaps aren’t even coming out worth a damn.  (Also, how haven’t skrip clubs banned phones somehow, it feels like I shouldn’t be seeing half the shit I be seeing…again, just a person).   Why can’t I post an old picture without Snapchat telling everyone that it’s a 2 week old picture, why you so loud, Snapchat damn?  Is your relationship even real if you never make the snap? Apparently not.  Why do I sound so old right now? Gross. 

I mean, I’m not THAT much different.  I have a Snapchat, a Twitter, a Facebook, an Instagram, and a blog… I operate with a heavy inclination that people give a fuck. It speaks to the narcissistic society we live in now.  We document our lives in spite of the fact that most of our lives don’t warrant daily coverage.  Snapping your drive to work, telling some 17 part confessional most people just going to skip, the need to post content when there isn’t anything worth posting.  On vacation, celebrating, having a fun night then by all means take pictures, capture moments, share your world…in moderation.  Maybe Snapchat needs a limit, like after 5 snaps it should tell you to log off and enjoy the moment. Or maybe its just some shit I might be a little too old to understand.  I still don’t even know how the score thing works.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… LURK

It starts off with the most innocent of intentions, I wonder what they’re up to.  As luck would have it, they’re page is public (because who has private pages anyway, it defeats the purpose, you’re not that special B) you casually browse their IG.  Maybe they’ve let themselves go a bit, you wonder to yourself why they STILL take pics in that outfit or why they post that meme like it isn’t talking about them?  Perhaps you stumble upon a fan of theirs who seems to like and comment every picture, you go and check them out… They aren’t you. A downgrade, really. Sad.  Now you grow more inquisitive.  Wait… How long they know each other? This picture was when y’all were still together.  What’s all this ki ki ing heart eye emoji shit? Did this motherfucker cheat on you?  With this baby teethed,  ill fitting clothes wearing, reposting the same picture from a 2 year old vacation talking bout #TBT take me baaaaack, how the hell you still unattractive with a flower crown muhfucka… NOW YOU’RE PISSED.  You start thinking about that one time they got in late and had some boring story about a coworkers flat tire that you checked out of mentally because you was cleaning the DVR.  Piecing together a bunch of clues that are as worthless as Hilary 2016 merch and you feel like a jackass, retroactively.  You wish they were there right now so you can dump they ass, instead you just block them.  Fuck what they been up to.  

Moral of the story,  nothing good comes from lurking.  

Yet we seemingly can’t help ourselves.  We’re too connected, gone are the days when a guy can go out for a pack of cigarettes, go two towns over and never have to see his family again.   I’m guilty of it as well, not because I want them back or anything, I just need to see that I won the breakup. (Kidding….mostly. Of course I won. )  I’m not alone, studies say nearly 88% of people have.  We all need Jesus, clearly.  That nagging curiosity is to our detriment, soon you find yourself on Instagram looking at what they doing but ain’t got shit to post for yourself.  It becomes less about them and more about what you’re missing.  

As for the lurkee, they can be just as complicit with the things they post.  HBO’s Insecure comes to mind as it currently stands as “nice guy” revenge porn.  Since it’s a 3rd person narrative, you actually get to see the ex grieving and openly pining while he can’t hear her over all the rebound sex he’s having.  The character of Lawrence has become a cult hero because he represents the unrealistic expectation of a break up.  That same expectation one thinks they are reaching with thirst traps and snaps at the club.  With subliminal status updates and not so subtle inferences at how their living their best life. But social media is the Disney version of real life, we all are presenting our best possible selves.  (Though some are obliviously bad at this).  You won’t see the 19 other outtakes of that selfie, the crowded Spirit flight they took to Miami or other the lonely nights more in line with their reality. 

So why do we fall for it when we lurk? Why do we front on social media in the first place?  Why was Takeoff left off of Bad N Boujee?  My personal social media is fairly boring for someone who’s…Had an eventful 18 months.  Because I don’t care who sees what I’m doing. When I find myself lurking pages and ultimately getting nothing out of it (even though this one time I accidentally followed an ex and didn’t realize it until I saw her on my timeline tweeting her homegirl about how I had the audamndacity to follow her… And then per her homegirls advice I was blocked. And you know what? I earned that L…Because nothing good comes from lurking)

Perhaps it’s the allure of the unknown, if you never do the dramatic unfollowing you’d see they are every bit as boring as they’ve always been.  Or even crazier, if you’re that curious to see what they are up to, maybe you could just reach out an–

Oh. Yeah. Right.  Well,  just be wary of the accidental like then.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… MENSHIPS 

You know what’s awkward? When you essentially spend an entire day with someone well into 2 am, you take their number, never call and then run into them again in public.  You know what’s even more awkward? When it’s a guy. So yeah…context.  You go out to a happy hour with someone, they get a text from someone and they split.  It’s still kinda early so you just finish your drink.  You meet a girl, y’all vibing and all that and she’s there with her homegirl who is talking up some other dude.  You don’t know him from a hole in a wall, but the black man synergy takes over and suddenly y’all setting each other up for plays like Kyrie and LeBron. 

Fast forward to now,  out of the 3 of them, it was me and him actually stayed in touch.  (damn I don’t even remember her name)  We’ll go out kick it and I’m the friend who is probably bailing early. Issa circle. A circle of life.  Even so, it’s more of a “shoulder to shoulder” type of deal, in that it’s more of an escort than a friend.  It’s more “where the wave at”, “niggas finna go hoop”, “you tryna match?” (I don’t partake in cannabis consumption, is that what the cool kids still say?),  “you fucking with this party?”.   It’s very loose and non committal,  I might see you there, I might not and there isn’t much expectation to do so.   Even childhood friends I can’t remember the last time I just went to, see them, and enjoy their company.  It’s like in this one episode of Family Guy, Peter calls Quagmire just to talk and he’s like…um…wtf is this about?  That’s most male friendships in a nutshell

With the exception of your family and your day ones, I would say male friendships are either accessible, advisory or ancillary (yes I only used ancillary for the alliteration).  Accessible is the convenient friend.  It’s your neighbor, your coworker, your classmate.  You see them every day so you #minuswhale talk to them.  Especially when you worked in retail, you needed those people to vent to, (cover shifts) and get you through this minimum wage hell.   Then, you graduate get a full time job and never speak to them again.  I’ve been out of school for 5 years, and outside of special occasions we just don’t kick it like that.  It’s all love when I see them but there’s just not much effort to see them.  I’m sure it’s different for Greeks (but I ain’t buy friends…. kidding, kidding). 

Then there’s the healthiest of male friend ships, Advisory.  Mentors, father figures, OGs…want to make an old black man light up, ask to pick his brain.  As a mentee, you can be vulnerable, unsure, even a bit thirsty in a way that doesn’t appear weak, but rather hungry.  Old heads lived it already, learned from their mistakes and can pass it on as a reliable source whereas your man’s from college even if he’s right it’s like…*piano notes*…. OK.  Mentors are kind of the cheat code to what a healthy male friendship should be.  A “face to face” friendship, except it’s not considered a friendship, maybe that’s why it works.  

Then to bring it full circle there’s ancillary; the friend who exists because you can’t do everything alone.  The workout buddy, the drinking buddy, not much unlike the coworker or the neighbor, they’re conditional friendships.  Like “Kyrie” is cool, but I’m probably never going to his house nor he mine unless there’s a cookout.  I might buy a round but don’t ask me for bread for real for real.  You need ancillary friends because there’s no tinder for a straight man to find another straight man to grab beers with.  (adds that to list of billion dollar ideas I should put into motion one day) 

Saying that out loud, sounds cruel tho.  Like why even bother? Men don’t have close friends while being fully cognizant of the fact that they might be shitty friends. Friends are empathetic, affectionate, needy…all traits men apply to women.  It’s as if to be a good friend you have to be feminine and you know men don’t play that.  That includes myself, I’ve written before how I’m “wow, that’s crazy” guy not necessarily invested in their growth because that’s “her job” .  I saw a tweet the other day that said men going to brunch together is gay, of course alcoholic orange juice and omelets won’t make me desire a man; but me and my niggas aren’t bout to grab brunch without women present.   (Unless it’s Vegas. That’s the exception.)  

Studies show men with friends are healthier live longer so maybe we all need to make new friends and keep the old.  Check in on folks, go out more, learn how to golf and all that good stuff. Or maybe I should get to work on that app.  

-Stan-

 
 

 

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Today’s Word is… GEMINI 

When you tell her, you’re a Gemini…

So my birthday is in 3 weeks (ahem PayPal. Me/AyoTristan …kidding kidding, unless you gon do it), that makes me a Gemini.  I never read that much into astrology, maybe I’d read a horoscope in the newspapers on my morning commute but that was about it.  All I knew was Geminis were two sides, I always viewed it (correctly) as nuanced. It wasn’t until I started dating that I realized Geminis cause people to run for the hills and touch the bridge behind them.  Granted, some of the most notable Geminis include Kanye West and #YallMans so I can see that the property value on Gemini Island isn’t looking too great.  So allow me to try and defend my sign from all from all of these alternative facts because yall don’t have the answers Sway. 

I’ll cop to some of the stereotypes; I think too much, feel too little, bore too easily.  I’ll get an idea and not follow through, because I have another idea I need to follow through on.  I’m susceptible to whirlwind romances, because I’m wooed easily by witty banter.  I’ll tell you it’s fine while planning my actual solution. Whether I’m right or not, you’re probably not going to win an argument with me anyway.  Other ones, not so much.  Geminis are usually considered extroverts, while I’m an INFJ.  (Yes that makes me an intuitive introverted extrovert that adjusts his emotions based on a vibe you may or may not even be aware you’re giving…but I mean, at least I’m smart).  It’s not that I’m unable to be social, it’s moreso its really apparent when I don’t feel like it. (white coworkers however, completely oblivious to this and will continue to make fetch happen) 
The other common misconception is being two faced, when most of the time we are simply adjusting to the situation at hand, very efficiently.  I remember working in sales and being excellent and awful at the same damn time; if you were interested I could sell you anything, if you weren’t…then why was you still here, I could actually be selling to a willing customer.  Being pushy and persistent for the sake of doing so didn’t make much sense to me.  For who, for what? (I didn’t last long in sales). Dating not much different, walk out once and I’ll probably change the locks behind you.  That ability to shut down and move on quickly feels like there wasn’t much investment in the first place, when really its just “okay this is what this is now”,  make the necessary and keep it moving.  I wouldn’t even say I’m hot and cold, I’m hot then cold.  Then maybe lukewarm at best. But you remember how hot this used to be and can’t get used to this, you’re out and now YOU hate geminis because they are wishy-washy.  

Geminis are seen non-committal, simply because when you can see all sides of something, how do you then pick one.  Growing up in a house with 3 sisters, I mastered the art of simply articulating both their points and getting out the way before they realized I didn’t actually give an answer.  Hell, I just did it the other day when my boys got into a LeBron vs Jordan debate.  Depending on the day, time, weather, and what color I’m wearing my answer will probably change.  

So why is there so much hateration, holleration, in the Gemini’s dancery? Is it really just a matter of uncertainty?  Or the idea of being everything to everyone just on its face feels fake and disingenuous. Perhaps it’s the pressure to keep one mentally stimulated… Or maybe y’all just some low bottom haters. 

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TINDERELLA

So I don’t do a lot of “binge watching”.  Usually I can watch an episode or two of a show and then I need to find something new to watch or do.  Every now and again a show does in fact hook me, and this past weekend it was Master of None.  It stars Aziz Ansari as Dev, a 30 year old Indian actor navigating his personal & professional life in New York City.  It’s a show of microaggressions, religion, parents who dont “get” millennials, and primarily how dating is trash.  The show is basically what Stan of Few Words as a TV series would be.  Starring Kofi Seriboe as me, cuz fuck you it’s my show.  One episode that stood out in particular was the 4th episode of season 2, First Date.  Now I’ve talked about first dates before, and I’ve talked about my online dating struggles, but that episode made me think about all my online first dates and the different types of women you meet online.  Now, I’m not going to pretend what women go through in online dating is comparable to what I went through because I don’t log on and get bombarded with pussy pictures and solicitations. (Well I did get an unsolicited video one time, I may have watched it til completion while also wondering how did we get here, nobody’s supposed to be here). I’ve never gone on dates and had to check in with a friend so they know I’m safe or been cussed out because I wasn’t interested (Well, there was one girl who ran up on me in a 7/11 because she thought I blocked her number).  Anyway, I feel like there’s 10 types of women you meet online whilst searching:

1. The Marshawn Lynch– She’s there so she doesn’t get fined.  She’s gotten out of a relationship, her man has already moved on and now her friends are imploring her to get some new eggplant because she’s making them look bad, as an unit.  She reluctantly makes a profile, but she really isn’t interested in dating.  In fact, she wishes you would be so awful that it would give credence to her decision to not date.  

2. The Brandy- She wanna be down.  She’s likes sports, video games, comics, beers, rap, casual sex and pizza.  She’s a good time, great chemistry then you get home and realize that didn’t even feel like a date, it felt like 2 friends hanging out.   You forgot to tell her she looked great, but she wore a messy bun and a Spider-Man shirt. 

3.  The Precedential- She’s the one who overanalyzes everything, she’s read all the dating books and articles and now everything means something from the color shirt you wore to whether you looked at the food or drinks first.  If you text her at 7:55 on Monday and 8:23 on Thursday clearly she wasn’t on your mind first you’re getting distant; is there something wrong?  You answered a yes or no question with one word, clearly there’s someone else.  If you rescheduling dates now, how can she rely on you as a partner? 

4. The Instagrammer- You’re about 64% sure that she only accepted the date for the photo op.  She posted a date night outfit, took pictures of the food and drinks, never of you because she has an image to uphold. She posts a goodnight picture about how she had the greatest time, meanwhile the actual date was awkward silences and bathroom breaks.  

5. The United Airline- She overbooks.  She needs to know by Tuesday if you’re on for Saturday afternoon because she has plans that evening.  She’s transparent about her schedule while failing to see how much of a turn off it can be.  

6. The Confessional- This might be the one I hate the most, the girl who waits until the date to reveal all the shit she lied about on her profile and over text.  I’ve had dates lie about children, boyfriends, age, smoking, jobs…but you already ordered and you was starving.  

7. The Culminator- The clock started from first message, by time it’s the first date she has already decided to be with you and she’ll learn the rest on the job.  

8. The Companion- You liked her, she liked you back. You message back and forth. You ask her out, she accepts. You go on a date and have a great time….but she isn’t looking for anything more than a friend. You’re not even her type, you just seemed cool.  This would be fine except you didn’t meet at work, YOU. MET. ON. A. DATING. SITE.  Who swipes right on people they aren’t interested in? That’s literally not how this works.  Probably goes to bars just to chill and drink water, ol loitering ass. 

9. The Priority- She’s been single for a while and has adjusted her life accordingly. She has her career, her family, her church, her netflix, her book clubs, her alumni groups, her sorority, her pets, her podcast, her blog, her freelance gig, her perennial self care vacations, and her long distance open relationship…then you come along and it’s apparent she has so much going on that she doesn’t even have time to date.  

10. Susan- They could have their own list honestly.  There’s “I don’t see color” Susan, “mmmm chocolate” Susan, “woke, but hates black women” Susan, “I didn’t date black guys until I didn’t lose this college weight” Susan, “I’m mixed” Susan, “Get Out was just a movie” Susan.  
*sigh* Dating is trash, yo.  I mean sure there’s silver linings, the Brandy is a good time when you hang out; with managed expectations, so is the Companion.  Perhaps, the Priority or the Marshawn will come around.  If you want a relationship (or sex) the Culminator is right there.  Maybe you can take a page out of the instagrammer’s book and just fake it all.  Apparently, there’s the 11th woman.  The one who is looking for a relationship, actually available to be in one and isn’t overly neurotic about it.  We can just call her, the Tinderella.  

-Stan- 

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