Category Archives: Oh, Internet

Today’s Word is… FLYOUT

true love story unlike any other…Boy tweets girl. Girl tweets boy. Boy DMs Girl. Girl gives Boy her number. Boy likes Girl. Boy lives at A. Girl lives at B.  Boy invites Girl to A.  Boy and Girl do adult things. Boy drives Girl to Gate.  Girl misses Boy. Girl intentionally misses flight to be with Boy. Boy has plans. Boy thought he was done with Girl. Boy ignores Girl.  Girl shows up at his place. Boy still ignores Girl.  Boy calls cops.  Girl is escorted away. Girl tells Twitter. Twitter laughs. Boy tells his side. Twitter laughs. Twitter loves no one. 

Flyout horror stories for whatever reason are pretty common on Twitter.   While I would never set myself up for that type of failure, others need to vent to somebody, anybody, and Twitter is always open.  The most common theme is being left stranded or after you fall out talk about how wack the sex was or how filthy the crib was that you clearly had no issue having sex in. (They always miss the irony in that).  In this day and age, meeting someone you met online is more common (because these days some women don’t ever want to be approached, looked at or thought about in real life).  As much as I enjoy a good flyout disaster story with my cup of coffee in the morning, I wish people would be smarter about it and follow the Flyout guidelines.

1. Stop leaving your house without money.  Didn’t your mama, auntie, hairdresser, neighbor, favorite reality TV star tell you this.  No matter how many facetimes, texts, and naked pictures you’ve shared, this is still a first date.   Act accordingly.  Have enough to get home, have enough to get a room.  

2. State your intentions. All of them. Be adults about the whole thing.  About sex and the relationship going forward.  You don’t want to fly out and end up in their dungeon or end up on Maury.  Get tested, wrap it up.  Be real about what happens next, is this something that’s sustainable or was “New Orleans just New Orleans”.   If you’re not looking for a relationship, let them know before you meet.  If you are looking for a relationship, let them know before you meet. Don’t play with people’s feelings, and more importantly, their bread. 

3. Get a hotel- You don’t know them.  They don’t know you. More importantly, you don’t know how clean their bathroom is.  If things break bad you can play sick, go home and know they can safely find their way back without you (Sorry.)  At least for the first meeting, then after that you just look married as hell

4. Neutral site- Perhaps just a personal preference of mine, if I’m paying for a flight, hotel, dinner….why not make a trip out of it?  (and Boston kinda small).Find a city convenient for both and meet up there, explore together.  

5. He goes first- Recurring theme here, let him court.  If he’s bout that life, he’ll make the time, effort and trip to see you.  Even if it’s on Spirit. Okay, maybe not.  If you just happen to be in town….iight bet, but just don’t miss your flight. See opening anecdote. 

Sounds reasonable, right?  Treat the stranger you’re meeting from the internet to have sex with like a stranger from the internet you’re meeting to sex with, but that’s too pragmatic I suppose.  This is ebae, you have feelings, you trust them, they’re different yada yada yada.  Where is the line between being too trusting and too cautious?   Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  If you’re going to do it, do it, with an open mind and an open heart. And if it does go bad, tell your friends. Don’t take the L on Twitter.  Because again, Twitter loves no one. Carpe DM tho.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HURTBAE

o-hurtbae-facebook

So the other day on Twitter, not long after the timeline was basking in the glow of Valentine’s Day, showing off gifts, boasting how they started with a DM now they here and whathaveyou I had noticed a video was going viral.  I largely ignored it at first because in an age of vine and snapchat, a 7 minute video is pretty much a Martin Scorsese film.  Eventually, I gave in and watched.  Broken, a video from TheScene.com or as the stweets would call it #HurtBae, featured an ex couple seeking closure, and by closure the woman, Kourtney asked her ex, Leonard how and why he cheated and he pretended to care and jedi mind tricked her into thinking the entire breakup was a mutual thing.  The video itself was moving, I suppose but it made me wonder…WHY DO WE BOTHER WITH CLOSURE?  #HurtBae and her ex don’t live in the same state, she supposedly has a new man, a good man, so why did she even volunteer for this?  There was nothing this inward was going to say that was going to change anything.  He attempted to guilt trip her about her about her insecurity and why she didn’t just leave if he was clearly ain’t shit.  (I really don’t want to call dude a sociopath because he is only like 23, but this dude might be a sociopath).

I’ve touched on this last year, closure doesn’t work because the other person clearly doesn’t care that much.  They didn’t care about your feelings when they had you, why would they when they don’t.  #HurtBae wanted him to care so bad, wanted him to see that he broke her, and his only emotion was mild inconvenience.  Even after the video has gone viral and he doesn’t regret how he came off, he is just annoyed black twitter still flaming him. He started off calling her his best friend but looked her dead in her face as she cried and didn’t even attempt to reach out and console her (cuz, sociopath).  Hell, I’ve confronted cheaters and still ended up being the one consoling them (cuz, sucker), it’s just…instinct. How do you just sit and let someone cry in front of you? Someone you care for?

 

Unbothered.

Then to the elephant in the room, why did you cheat?  The answer is the same for why anyone does anything they wasn’t supposed to do…they thought they could get away with it.  If I go into a store, the clerk is so engrossed with their phone they refuse to do their damn job and I just walk out with my stuff because clearly they don’t want my money.  Rationalized? Yes. Still wrong tho.  (*sips stolen water*).  Asking someone why did they cheat is giving them an excuse to blame you for being wrong.  Fuck all of that, B.  It doesn’t matter what reasons you have, you were wrong, you knew you were wrong and you thought you could get away with it, or in dude’s case he KNEW #HurtBae wasn’t about to do shit.

I don’t know if Broken is a one off or a series, I would hope the former because I don’t see how it’s productive.  Forgiveness is very overrated.  Sometimes it’s easier to be like, “you hurt me, so fuck you” and keep it moving.  It’s not bitter, it’s not resentment, why place the burden on yourself to make them see that they was wrong?  Whether ol boy grows and learns from this wasn’t going to happen based on that conversation.  When I was her age (oh shit, I’m old), I was driving myself mad trying to get someone I loved to just try and see things my way.  Now, I just chill and wait for karma (because it’s unethical to pray for things to happen to people).  Maybe one day she’s going to wake up and realize she became everything I hoped she wouldn’t, hell maybe she already has.  I wouldn’t know. Don’t care neither.  Treat it just like I treat a certain segment of our “great” nation, when they are still poor, uneducated, uninsured and realize their mans changed sold them tragic beans, I’ll be chilling.  For #HurtBae, when ol boy is in his 30s, losing his hair, getting dogged out by the woman he wants to do right by and scrolling her social media, he might then realize he slipped up.  Because that’s how closure actually works.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ONLINE

As someone who spends a lot of time online, I’m not a big fan of online dating. I enjoy the randomness of life; I like the idea that I may meet the love of my life at Target, stealing a glance on the subway, at some function neither of us were super enthused to be at in the first place.  I guess you can call it fate or whathaveyou, but there’s a bit of that lost when you are swiping through profiles getting a bae made to order.  I could be like I want curls, goals, thick, wit, demure, secure…YOU NAAAAME IT whilst swiping left on all that doesn’t apply, but who knows if I met any of them in a different circumstance I wouldn’t be interested.  What gets lost in swiping is you get caught up in next, next, next you don’t even realize what you’re passing on.

 There’s a deliberateness to online dating that I can’t rock with.  People wield the power of the swipe and go against their own self interests.  Most people don’t know what they want.  It’s not much unlike your career, yes there are people who knew they wanted to be a doctor since they was 5, but most people find what they are good at, finds somewhere that will pay them well to do that and go from there.   Online dating sites would lead to believe everyone on there is really trying to find someone special but in my experience it appears to be anything but.

Yes, experience…I actually decided to give online dating a shot, for the culture. I tried two sites, OKCupid because the stats nerd in me was curious about who would match well with me and Black Tinder aka SoulSwipe, because I just find the name funny.  (Also my OKC inbox was looking like Make America Great Again, more on that later).  I did a few weeks on each, kept an open mind about it, had a handful of dates but ultimately…I’m as single as when I joined.

So, SoulSwipe.  Soulswipe is pretty straightforward, name, age, height, short bio and some facebook pics.  Swipe right for yes, left for no, if you match then you can message, iight bet.  (I also just learned that once you swipe left they are gone forever, like, what if it was an accident…maybe she didnt realize how much worse it’d get, that feels unfair…there aint even a maybe pile…that’s some ol bullshit)  Besides that, my biggest takeaway….do you even want to be on here?  Some profiles read more like a rider list than an introduction. “If you just say hi, I’ll just ignore”, “don’t ask me about my day”, like every time a dude slipped up it was a new rule on the page, the online equivalent of putting heads on the stake.  I can recognize the privilege at play, I don’t know that life of countless people in my inbox and it’s like, you didn’t even pretend to read my page or all you said was hi and they asking for pictures. However, if you’re on a dating site hoping to meet new people, you kinda have to be, you know, open to meeting new people.  You swiped right too, ma.  The people I connected with were open and able to laugh at themselves, while others…didn’t get my humor.  Which is the ultimate dealbreaker if there ever was one. I’m hilarious.

So on to OKC.  I made a full profile, a couple pictures but I mainly focused on the questions for a solid sample size. The matching system seemed accurate enough, but I tend to have good chemistry with everybody, I know a little bit of everything. My overwhelming result was a lot of white women, devout Christians, and homebodies. Apparently, the line about avocados was an icebreaker on a silver platter or I’m actually Donald Glover.  Church girls, well, we know what happened last time, and homebodies…that may have been the biggest takeaway.  I went out with 2 women who were pretty chill and realized how much I don’t necessarily want someone like me. I need someone who pushes me out my comfort zone, gives me balance. The people I actually connected best with were in the 70% range, have some things in common but plenty of differences to bicker about, they are the type who would be out anyway without me, the type who would be a friend of a friend, who I would run into at a happy hour, hell, even meet on Twitter.  There can’t be two me’s in a relationship.

By the end of my experiment I got, 2 books and a possible. (I learned how to play Spades from someone I met offline, score 1 for the real world). Of course, plenty of people have found love online.  Some more deliberate, like on a dating site, others more casual and started with a DM.  They say you always find what you’re looking for when you aren’t so doesn’t that fly in the face of dating sites anyway? I’m not knocking it, I just recognize it’s not really for me.  (Well unless I ever get around to making that dating app, then online dating is the way to go, don’t nobody be going to bars anymore, get with the times).  I guess I’m still good with flying blind and not really forcing my hand yet. Perhaps one day I’ll see if my Match and I find some e-harmony over where Black people meet or where Christians mingle. I’m sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… DEXIFY

Dexify (v.) – To defend, explain, justify. 

Used in a sentence: Technically, dexify is not a word, but I’m using it anyway and I’m not about to dexify it. 

It really ought to be a word; it’s as prevalent to today’s culture as much as fucking “selfie”.  Social media hasn’t just made us more narcissistic, it’s made us far more defensive than ever. Facebook has become our public relations department. (Quick aside:  the other day my cousin’s girl gave a full statement about his break baby.  His statement: “I’m a dad, again”. #Inwards, man. ) In that regard, I did have some questions and appreciated the answers; but in most cases people are answering questions no one asked.   If you didn’t care what people think and you were”just saying” then why get so defensive after the fact? Notice the loudest people on social media are always the ones claiming they don’t care. The funny part is, no one is even tripping off of them…if a black person votes for Trump and no one is around to argue, does it make a sound?  It doesn’t. So they got to make as many as they can because they need you to know their position while not caring what you think about their position.  So they dexify, unsolicited, to people who aren’t attacking them.  They will not be oppressed or silenced by you, internet. 

             Dexify Power Rankings*

  1. Black men who don’t date black women
  2. All Lives Matter
  3. Minority Trump supporters
  4. Atheists
  5. Shaun King
  6. Hoteps
  7. Millenials
  8. Street harassers
  9. “Single by choice” 
  10. Poor white people who take umbrage with “privilege”
  11. “Celebs” who search their name on twitter
  12. Career woman with broke boyfriend
  13. Blerds
  14. Female sports fans
  15. Black people with family in law enforcement
  16. 30 year olds who still talk about their college
  17. “I don’t get attached to sex” girl
  18. Black women who don’t like Beyoncé 
  19. Lightskinned men
  20. “Down” white guy
  21. 35+ year old twitter users
  22. Adults who still wear “petty” as a badge of honor
  23. Libertarians 
  24. People who saw Birth of a Nation anyway
  25. Vegans
  26. People who eat candy corn
  27. Employed childless black men who still can’t get chose
  28. HBCU grads 
  29. Hypermasculine middle aged black dude
  30. Introverts
  31. People who hate Jordans and iPhones 
  32. Christian homophobes 
  33. #PickMe Twitter
  34. Warrior fans who swear they was down before 2014
  35. Naturalistas from “big chop” to Level 3
  36. Previously problematic male feminists 
  37. Bill Cosby supporters
  38. The ex who still wants to be seen as a nice guy 
  39. “I don’t wear makeup” girl
  40. J. Cole fans

*ranked in order of most likely to defend their existence on social media even though most people aren’t actually attacking them

Honorable Mention: Kanye West, men under 6′, “real hip hop” fans, people waaay too into astrology, all 7 people who learned Luke Cage marries the white woman in the comic

    So why do we feel so compelled to explain and rationalize everything we do now?  It used to be taboo to discuss politics and religion, now it’s fair game.  I long for the days when I would go on Facebook and just see “fuck I’m sooo late for class” now there’s some unsourced meme about how Trump basically said what Beyoncé did, some girl talking about how the world hating on her relationship and a dude with no kids complaining about child support.  Maybe it’s rooted in some insecurity, maybe it’s delusion and people actually feel like it’s their job to change minds and hearts.  Or maybe they just seek attention because that’s what everyone seeks in the age of social media.   Most “slander” is just jokes…you’re not being oppressed, you need to cut it.  

    -Stan- 

       

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    Today’s Word is… APPROACHING

    [Editor’s Note: So 4 years ago today, a young, snarky unemployed guy sat down at his laptop and decided to start a blog.   Today’s Word was Start. A place to touch on pop culture, sports, politics and be the voice of young black millennial…then he found a job, got his heart broke a couple times and just wrote about that. Shit happens.  Regardless SFW turns 4 today. It is bachelor’s degree, it is my 2nd longest relationship, it is a Presidential term, it is a toddler who isn’t really as cute as they used to be.  Your 4 year old isn’t cute. Fight me.  And so we on to season 5 (this was also supposed to be my 300th post but I think I’m like 2 off..whatever).  I would say year 5  will be the last one, but I’m sure I said that last year.  Guess I still haven’t quite run out of shit to talk about, yet. Today’s Word is … END is coming one day though, so appreciate me and shit…anyway back to your regularly scheduled programming.]

    So one night coming home from work, waiting for the train, I see a girl and a roach.  Not a literal roach, but some dude who kinda looked like Chief Keef, let’s call him Ghost.  Ghost is spitting his game at the girl, let’s call her Tasha (Watching Power as I write this) she isn’t completely repulsed, or just really polite but she doesn’t appear interested. He had her attention but no idea what to do with it.  Ghost is actually waiting for the train in the other direction, so when it arrives he leaves. She rolls her eyes, I peep, I chuckle and she gives me a mean side eye.  At this point, I figure if Ghost could strike up convo with her why can’t I? Yada, yada, yada, we exchange numbers and I refuse to learn my lesson about meeting women on my commute like I won’t see them again. (Hi Mary).   
    So anyway, I call Tasha; and we talk about how we met and being approached in general. Now, I’m no stranger to such horror stories, from my 3 sisters, girlfriends to even online with hashtags like #youoksis and #nowomanever, women expressing their anxieties about being stepped to in public much to the dismay of men who are conveniently ignorant on the issue.  I remember having to walk to meet my sister at a bus stop, answering phones to scare away dudes who couldn’t take a hint.  I also remember yelling out “ay red shirt” just to impress my boys; passing around phones just to store numbers in. Looking back, it was wildly ineffective so why did we even bother in the first place?  Its still ineffective so why do dudes still insist on doing it? Perchance because it has nothing to do with “meeting”  women at all as much as its simply a power play. 
    I guess that’s what kills me about this harassment debate, especially online; we clearly know the difference between a social setting and otherwise.  Women everywhere are saying this isn’t how I want to be stepped to, and men who supposedly want these women are countering with, “well this is how I kick it.” Ok fam.  Don’t shoot your shot at the gym, or in the line H&M, Sam I Am.  If she’s at WalMart in sweats understand she isn’t trying to be wooed, if she at a Day Party….then well, you just might be ugly. The game is the game.  Are there exceptions? Of course, but let’s get the basics first. 

    Now, I probably don’t meet Tasha if a) Ghost fumble in front of me b) she doesn’t take the bait of my not so subtle laughter.   Tale of two approaches.  A different day, a different woman, Ghost’s confidence wins and I’m wondering why didn’t I say something first.  Or she shuts us both down and goes on a Facebook rant about how she wishes niggas on the train not talk to her.  There isn’t necessarily a right way to shoot your shot, everyone is different but there’s plenty of wrong ones most of them start and end with respect and not being a fuggin savage.  If you don’t understand what that means? Maybe you should leave the approaching to the adults. 

    -Stan-

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    Today’s Word is… SMOOCHR

    So over the past 24 hours, the internet has been abuzz about Smoochr, a new dating app aimed at African Americans that allows you to choose a mate based by complexion, hair type and size of your lips. (I wish the internet would put some respeck on the letter e, e did nothing to deserve Judy Winslow treatment)  My first thought was that it had to be a joke, otherwise this is the most ridiculous thing I ever seen.  Of course, the thinkpiece industrial complex took over and varying pieces about how troublesome and problematic this app was hit the web because why ignore something you dislike when you can join it, take screenshots and write 700 words about it.  I have 7. The app is fucking stupid, The end.  

    To be a wee bit fair, most online dating platforms are. While Smoochr is getting deservedly dragged for being the digital brown paper bag test in 2016, I couldn’t help but wonder about what WOULD be the hero black e love deserves, that it needs; the quintessential black dating app.  (My vote is soulswipe because the name remains hilarious to me, but the correct answer is and always has been Twitter)

    Until now, as I roll out my blueprint for the black dating app we need, Chose© (patent pending…don’t steal my idea, Ill come find you, Liam Neeson style) style.  Chose or Chs because dropping vowels is cool or something, will cut through a lot of the bull that dating apps have today, starting with questions that really cut to the core

    Height: 

    Height with timbs/heels:

    Height next to actual 6′ person:

    What is your body type:

    What is your preferred body type

    Have you actually dated a someone of said body type?

    If no, please adjust your preferences accordingly

    When was your last dental exam?

    Do you actually like to read books for leisure?

    Which Jamie Foxx Hairline are you

    Drums or Flats?

    Do you drive?

    Do you have regular access to an automobile ?

    Do you luh God? 

    Have you or ever set foot on the island you rep 

    Are you employed and receive pay regularly?

    Can you actually afford to date regularly? 

    Are you single?

    Would someone be upset if they heard you say you were single?

    What body type was your mama back in the day

    What was her type after she had you

    Are you a sapiosexual?

    If yes,  go away. 

    Are you Black Lives Matter or wrong?

    Please upload a photo:

    Do you dress like this usually?

    How old is this photo?

    If > 12 months,  please upload recent photo:

    So then, where Smoochr and other dating sites always slip up is they completely disregard the whole dating part.  My solution…Reviews. Maybe he was musty, maybe she is boring or not quite over her ex. Reviews hold people accountable, you wouldn’t stay at a hotel that was rated 2 stars why should you date a 2 star ass person?   Also you yourself get valuable feedback and now your friends can stop lying to you about how great you are. Chose© look for it in the app store and Google Play the day after Frank Ocean drops, the Eagles win a Superbowl and the police go 365 days without killing an unarmed black person. 

    -Stan- 

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    Today’s Word is… NETFLIX

    image

    I found myself tickled by the fact people are writing about “Netflix and chill” as if it’s a new phenomenon.  (let’s just ignore the fact that I’m literally writing about it).   Whether it was the old Love and Basketball VHS, or that pirated Shottas DVD that seemed to just appear in every black undergraduate dorm, there was always the come over and watch a movie non date date that one would pull when they was trying to hook up but wanted to be a little tactful about it.   Seeing as VHS tapes (yes I’m old enough to remember them) and DVDs are all but gone, Netflix has become the norm but the game is all the same.   There’s even songs about it.   Netflix should just have a “Chill” section with all the old school black romance movies,  but they ain’t real.  (If this happens just remember it was my idea and someone owe me a check).  Not that the movie necessarily mattered because if you turn on a movie and go from credits to credits, typically something went horribly wrong.  Or the movie was just too good.  Sorry _______. 

    image

    I did however see this broken down from two different perspectives than the tongue in cheek nature of which I did.  The first being,  of course the age old why doesnt this generation date?  I can’t say I agree with it because speaking for myself, the perk of dating is getting out the house.    I also think that chilling is more intimate than dating.  I can go out to eat with someone and get to know them better,  sitting up in my house or me being in theirs?  Idk you like that, beloved. Netflix & chill is cool when we’ve been kicking it a while and we’re just enjoying a show together on a rainy day even though I already watched ahead so I’m sitting here rewatching episodes like they’re new.  Sorry ________.   (Different _______, I’ve run out of nicknames). 

    The other perspective was much more deep.  Perhaps this was just privilege and naivete but it was something I never thought about explicitly.  That “Netflix & Chill” was just another addition to a growing and troubling rape culture of assumptions and aversions to consent.  The thought process that goes “She knew she wasn’t coming over to see a movie” is only a few degrees of separation from “what was she wearing” “she provoked him” two issues I’ve been vehemently opposed on this very blog.   I guess I found myself stunned as I try to explain the difference and how much sense I thought I was making yet how wrong I sounded.   My case being that “Netflix & Chill” was more of a euphemism than deception.   If I invite a woman over to watch a movie, it’s because it sounds nicer than “you coming to get this work”.   I don’t think that’s harmful, I feel like there’s a level of nuance that can be applied, instead it’s struck down as mansplaining.  What’s good Miley?  Cuz me no know. 

    What I do know that changing culture comes with changing minds,  so maybe I’m just wrong on this one.   I don’t believe so but it’s not a sword I’m prepared to fall on.   As I said before,  I’m not with just any ol girl in my home so maybe it’s something that doesn’t apply to me anyway.   If we’re at “Netflix & Chill” level, we should both understand what we’re both about at that moment as well as be comfortable if maybe the mood changes midway and you end up just watching a movie and dozing off for a few.  Sorry ________.

    -Stan-

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