Category Archives: Dating

Today’s Word is… TINDERELLA

So I don’t do a lot of “binge watching”.  Usually I can watch an episode or two of a show and then I need to find something new to watch or do.  Every now and again a show does in fact hook me, and this past weekend it was Master of None.  It stars Aziz Ansari as Dev, a 30 year old Indian actor navigating his personal & professional life in New York City.  It’s a show of microaggressions, religion, parents who dont “get” millennials, and primarily how dating is trash.  The show is basically what Stan of Few Words as a TV series would be.  Starring Kofi Seriboe as me, cuz fuck you it’s my show.  One episode that stood out in particular was the 4th episode of season 2, First Date.  Now I’ve talked about first dates before, and I’ve talked about my online dating struggles, but that episode made me think about all my online first dates and the different types of women you meet online.  Now, I’m not going to pretend what women go through in online dating is comparable to what I went through because I don’t log on and get bombarded with pussy pictures and solicitations. (Well I did get an unsolicited video one time, I may have watched it til completion while also wondering how did we get here, nobody’s supposed to be here). I’ve never gone on dates and had to check in with a friend so they know I’m safe or been cussed out because I wasn’t interested (Well, there was one girl who ran up on me in a 7/11 because she thought I blocked her number).  Anyway, I feel like there’s 10 types of women you meet online whilst searching:

1. The Marshawn Lynch– She’s there so she doesn’t get fined.  She’s gotten out of a relationship, her man has already moved on and now her friends are imploring her to get some new eggplant because she’s making them look bad, as an unit.  She reluctantly makes a profile, but she really isn’t interested in dating.  In fact, she wishes you would be so awful that it would give credence to her decision to not date.  

2. The Brandy- She wanna be down.  She’s likes sports, video games, comics, beers, rap, casual sex and pizza.  She’s a good time, great chemistry then you get home and realize that didn’t even feel like a date, it felt like 2 friends hanging out.   You forgot to tell her she looked great, but she wore a messy bun and a Spider-Man shirt. 

3.  The Precedential- She’s the one who overanalyzes everything, she’s read all the dating books and articles and now everything means something from the color shirt you wore to whether you looked at the food or drinks first.  If you text her at 7:55 on Monday and 8:23 on Thursday clearly she wasn’t on your mind first you’re getting distant; is there something wrong?  You answered a yes or no question with one word, clearly there’s someone else.  If you rescheduling dates now, how can she rely on you as a partner? 

4. The Instagrammer- You’re about 64% sure that she only accepted the date for the photo op.  She posted a date night outfit, took pictures of the food and drinks, never of you because she has an image to uphold. She posts a goodnight picture about how she had the greatest time, meanwhile the actual date was awkward silences and bathroom breaks.  

5. The United Airline- She overbooks.  She needs to know by Tuesday if you’re on for Saturday afternoon because she has plans that evening.  She’s transparent about her schedule while failing to see how much of a turn off it can be.  

6. The Confessional- This might be the one I hate the most, the girl who waits until the date to reveal all the shit she lied about on her profile and over text.  I’ve had dates lie about children, boyfriends, age, smoking, jobs…but you already ordered and you was starving.  

7. The Culminator- The clock started from first message, by time it’s the first date she has already decided to be with you and she’ll learn the rest on the job.  

8. The Companion- You liked her, she liked you back. You message back and forth. You ask her out, she accepts. You go on a date and have a great time….but she isn’t looking for anything more than a friend. You’re not even her type, you just seemed cool.  This would be fine except you didn’t meet at work, YOU. MET. ON. A. DATING. SITE.  Who swipes right on people they aren’t interested in? That’s literally not how this works.  Probably goes to bars just to chill and drink water, ol loitering ass. 

9. The Priority- She’s been single for a while and has adjusted her life accordingly. She has her career, her family, her church, her netflix, her book clubs, her alumni groups, her sorority, her pets, her podcast, her blog, her freelance gig, her perennial self care vacations, and her long distance open relationship…then you come along and it’s apparent she has so much going on that she doesn’t even have time to date.  

10. Susan- They could have their own list honestly.  There’s “I don’t see color” Susan, “mmmm chocolate” Susan, “woke, but hates black women” Susan, “I didn’t date black guys until I didn’t lose this college weight” Susan, “I’m mixed” Susan, “Get Out was just a movie” Susan.  
*sigh* Dating is trash, yo.  I mean sure there’s silver linings, the Brandy is a good time when you hang out; with managed expectations, so is the Companion.  Perhaps, the Priority or the Marshawn will come around.  If you want a relationship (or sex) the Culminator is right there.  Maybe you can take a page out of the instagrammer’s book and just fake it all.  Apparently, there’s the 11th woman.  The one who is looking for a relationship, actually available to be in one and isn’t overly neurotic about it.  We can just call her, the Tinderella.  

-Stan- 

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Love, Randomness, Relationships

Today’s Word is… SELFOFSTEAM

There’s no bigger ego stroke than someone falling in love with you.  For that someone that you was once just a stranger, a casual acquaintance, a classmate and now you’re everything.  We all have varying values on sex, some can’t sleep with someone they don’t love while others will swipe right get their itch scratched and maybe reminisce about it on a random cold evening.  In either regard, having someone fall for you is the true conquest.  Hell, just having someone is still viewed as the ultimate validation.  While it’s more commonly used to shame women, in reality it’s moreso men who truly get their #selfofsteam and confidence from their romantic relationships.  We’re the pursuers after all, a woman is as single as her options while a man is as single as his efforts.  Men aren’t above getting their Chante Moore on, especially with a bad one.
What about the man without that validation?  No one wants to be the old head at the club or the 40 year old bachelor on tinder who has never been in love before and now your date’s friends are wondering what’s wrong with you. (Basically, gotta have experience, but can’t have baggage. Dating is stupid.)  Toxic as it may be, we still equate manhood with our appeal to women, and if you don’t have no sauce you’re lost (Gucci Mane, 2013). 

 So naturally, there was a time where that was where I got all my confidence from.  Didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me; she thinks I’m funny, she thinks I’m fly, she loves me.  Then one day, she didn’t.  It left a void in my self worth.  Was I not those things anymore?  But reflection and growth took too long so, I just found another woman who did.  I could start over, charm, court, woo…be everything she was looking for and in return I would get validation.  I found someone, so clearly it’s not me it’s her.  Then when that flamed out, oh look there’s another.  I could keep going hunting and hunting, never really learning from my flame outs because they’ll always another woman who’s waiting for someone like me.  Except, I wasn’t even someone like me anymore.

The relationships themselves were burning out quicker each time.  The cure had become the disease, now I was tripping over every fall out with women, even the ones I wasn’t even sure I liked.  I just liked being Prince Charming. Meanwhile, she couldn’t even tell me what my favorite color was.  I couldn’t tell you what I liked most about them. My dating life had gotten aimless, I just got into relationships because that was the right thing to do and it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted.  I had become lost in the sauce, just as Gucci warned.

It was a year ago today actually, I found myself listening to Views, rolling my eyes at Aubrey’s arrogrant attempts at affliction (alliteration ftw) and coming to the realization of….wait, that’s me.  Was my ego out of control, or was it always just low self esteem? I went with the former, because why would I cop to low self esteem?  The issue was I was just picking the wrong ones…purposely. Yeah, that was it.  Now I had Tequila, someone who I knew I wanted from the moment I saw her.  Failed spectacularly.   She said I couldn’t love her because I didn’t love myself.  I pffffffft’d.  I moved on and she’s…well. (there was gonna be a parting shot here but I’ma rise above).  

I’m my best me when I have someone, when I’m happy…as most men are.  The love and support of a good woman is the ultimate glo up.  How else are you going to learn to use real garlic instead of garlic salt, invest in quality bedoing and stop hanging up posters with scotch tape. Some are happier with a plethora of women sweating them whilst remaining single and then you know, sup Carmelo.  Seldom is it just a nut, it’s affairs, situationships, strings attached maybe it’s all just a result of low self esteem and unable to be content with I got mine and I’m good.  Contrary to popular belief we aren’t just dogs with no impulse control, we are self aware adults who just long to be validated. Over and over again.   Or something.  Shrug life.

-Stan-

1 Comment

Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… STANDARDS

[Editors Note: Issa throwback…well, with a director’s cut.]


Attractive. Educated. Independent. Sweet. Confident. Compassionate.
(I just described most of my exes. Hell, I just described me.) 

Minimal baggage. Career. Non smoker. Social or not Drinker. Been in long term relationship. Classy.
(Still got most of my exes, a few eliminated, i’m still there)

Knows how to cook. Hair stays done. Always groomed. Puts it down in the sheets. Sense of style.  Body’s stacked.
(Still got some of my exes…no self respecting man will call themselves stacked, that’s where I bow out.)

5’9 and under. In shape.  Knows how to defer to a man. No trust issues. Diversified interests. Mentally stimulating. Great chemistry.
(I’m hearing chatter…now who do I think I am, what am I bringing to the table)

Low maintenance. Good with hanging out at home. Understands discretion.  Can make lasagna. Open minded in the bedroom. Wants kids. Fiscally responsible.
(This negreaux think he Idris or something…)

Standards are funny, as are the people love/hate them. No one ever has issue with standards unless it inconveniences them.  I don’t care that if you’re only chasing 6’4 lightskinned dudes you’re going to miss out on great guys, I care that I’m not 6’4 or lightskinned and I will never be, therefore I’m not invited to that table.  I didn’t want to sit there but now that I can’t, suddenly I want to sit there?  For who, for what? My list was very p.c, however if I got my mac on (You ever read something you wrote years ago and roll your eyes at how lame you were…this was one of those times) and said I want an exotic chick, hourglass figure, all natural…sistas would come for my head.  Reason #1, they’ll be damned if I don’t want them even if they don’t want me cuz…principality. Reason #2, who the hell am I to have such strong demands.

As you get older, and still single suddenly your standards are too blame.  The Beast could’ve let Belle just go have brunch with her girls and they would’ve told her that he’s tall AND has a whole castle, dont. block. ya. blessings. and she’d probably go right back.  Men don’t get it nearly as hard, I can probably hand wring myself to loneliness until at least 33.  Men aren’t told they are being unreasonable, or they are expecting perfection even when they are.  I have a homeboy who for the most part splurges on instajawns and to my knowledge never had an actual girlfriend.  I’m sure his mama might ask, but no one else cares.

Your standards represent you, your priorities, your traits, your aspirations.  It shows if you’re looking to just be treated good, f cked right, or want an actual relationship.  It shows your self confidence and what you believe you bring to the table.  Women say that men are constantly pestering them to lower their standards to accommodate them; I’m actually the opposite, show me you demand all that.  This goes both ways, you can’t be all over the club scene and social media and then demand someone who isn’t all over the club scene and social media.  You can’t demand a woman who’s cultured when all you watch is sports and action movies.  You can’t demand a man with his own place and a car when you staying at a homegirl’s and working part time.  I mean you can demand but spoiler alert, it won’t work out well for you.  Those independent, ambitious people you seek…well, they want other independent ambitious people.
There has to be some accountability for who you choose to let into your life, who you expect to come into your life and how they’re treated when they’re there.  The time spent on people who aren’t on “your level” adds up. It’s a lesson I’m still learning, my phone just full of women who I know weren’t what I was looking for, but #Ihaveneeds.  I can’t be taken seriously if I’m not taking my own standards seriously.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for less (maybe a few things, the lasagna game is non negotiable tho), in the meantime I #minuswhale use my time as productively as possible so I become the offer she can’t refuse.
-Stan-

1 Comment

Filed under Dating, Love, Randomness, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… FLIGHT


The “fight or flight response” is our body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.  You could say the same applies to our overall well being, particularly in dating. Your relationship hits a snag, do you fight or flight?  I feel like the generations before fought; adversity just came with the territory.   We all know of the old married couple who damn near hate each other and now they’ve been married 50 years because who wants to start over even after 10.  Then of course there was the whole women couldn’t work, don’t want to leave the kids, cost of divorce, etc so they just rode the wave of a decision they made at 18 years old and waited for the other to just die already.   The pickings were slim and when you had one you kept it.  Abuse, affairs, aloofness, alcoholism  (alliteration for the win) you rode it out.
These days, having seen what they went through we are flightier than ever. We stay in airplane mode.  It’s easy to move on when every single person in a 30 mile radius is right there in an app.  (Or further than that; if you’re into that kinda thing) Is it an overcorrection?  Perhaps.  Dating has become fundamentally flawed because everyone has one foot out the door because they won’t be the ones looking like BooBoo the fool.  We’ve gone from slim pickings to option overload.  We’re casually moving on the next one and effectively not learning anything. Where’s the incentive to?  I learned recently some women won’t even save your number until you prove yourself.  A contact, B?  We are so dismissive about dating that it’s like why do we even bother?  Or is it we are just really careful.  We hook up, explore options and when we’ve had our fun we turn around and then settle down with no regrets.  Maybe we need a word for the stage when you are dating but are fairly certain you haven’t found your forever worth fighting for.

 My fight was the skrongest.  I fell hard and fast and turned a blind eye to things that I probably knew better to.  Now, it’s a fight to even want to fight.  I’d become a pragmatist, we probably won’t get married so this is just borrowed time anyway.  It wasn’t even that I didn’t care for these women I just couldn’t disabuse myself of the inevitable.  I’m an INFJ, I project and shit.  It wasn’t fair to them (even though I’m pretty accurate with these things), the magic 8 ball in my head told me this wasn’t going to last and I acted accordingly.  Now because of me, she is pretty much over geminis, dark skin, beards, accountants, and dudes with blogs.  So she’s cold to them and they take it our on the next girl. It’s the circle of strife.  

Maybe one day we’ll reach that middle ground where you aren’t hanging on to a dead end relationship but also aren’t blocking numbers because you haven’t spoke in a few days.  Where real feelings aren’t being hidden by passive aggressive memes and being yasssssed by the same home girls who are eyeball emoji’ng his pictures.  I used to be patient, I used to be persistent and even I have to catch myself from sinking the whole island when I’m peeved.  I’ve stayed too long in situations and probably gave up too easily on others. The former likely the cause of the latter.  You fight and get your ass whooped your instinct is probably flight the next time.  And flight is the safest way to go if you never want to be hurt, but it’s also means you’ll never win either.  

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… FLYOUT

true love story unlike any other…Boy tweets girl. Girl tweets boy. Boy DMs Girl. Girl gives Boy her number. Boy likes Girl. Boy lives at A. Girl lives at B.  Boy invites Girl to A.  Boy and Girl do adult things. Boy drives Girl to Gate.  Girl misses Boy. Girl intentionally misses flight to be with Boy. Boy has plans. Boy thought he was done with Girl. Boy ignores Girl.  Girl shows up at his place. Boy still ignores Girl.  Boy calls cops.  Girl is escorted away. Girl tells Twitter. Twitter laughs. Boy tells his side. Twitter laughs. Twitter loves no one. 

Flyout horror stories for whatever reason are pretty common on Twitter.   While I would never set myself up for that type of failure, others need to vent to somebody, anybody, and Twitter is always open.  The most common theme is being left stranded or after you fall out talk about how wack the sex was or how filthy the crib was that you clearly had no issue having sex in. (They always miss the irony in that).  In this day and age, meeting someone you met online is more common (because these days some women don’t ever want to be approached, looked at or thought about in real life).  As much as I enjoy a good flyout disaster story with my cup of coffee in the morning, I wish people would be smarter about it and follow the Flyout guidelines.

1. Stop leaving your house without money.  Didn’t your mama, auntie, hairdresser, neighbor, favorite reality TV star tell you this.  No matter how many facetimes, texts, and naked pictures you’ve shared, this is still a first date.   Act accordingly.  Have enough to get home, have enough to get a room.  

2. State your intentions. All of them. Be adults about the whole thing.  About sex and the relationship going forward.  You don’t want to fly out and end up in their dungeon or end up on Maury.  Get tested, wrap it up.  Be real about what happens next, is this something that’s sustainable or was “New Orleans just New Orleans”.   If you’re not looking for a relationship, let them know before you meet.  If you are looking for a relationship, let them know before you meet. Don’t play with people’s feelings, and more importantly, their bread. 

3. Get a hotel- You don’t know them.  They don’t know you. More importantly, you don’t know how clean their bathroom is.  If things break bad you can play sick, go home and know they can safely find their way back without you (Sorry.)  At least for the first meeting, then after that you just look married as hell

4. Neutral site- Perhaps just a personal preference of mine, if I’m paying for a flight, hotel, dinner….why not make a trip out of it?  (and Boston kinda small).Find a city convenient for both and meet up there, explore together.  

5. He goes first- Recurring theme here, let him court.  If he’s bout that life, he’ll make the time, effort and trip to see you.  Even if it’s on Spirit. Okay, maybe not.  If you just happen to be in town….iight bet, but just don’t miss your flight. See opening anecdote. 

Sounds reasonable, right?  Treat the stranger you’re meeting from the internet to have sex with like a stranger from the internet you’re meeting to sex with, but that’s too pragmatic I suppose.  This is ebae, you have feelings, you trust them, they’re different yada yada yada.  Where is the line between being too trusting and too cautious?   Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  If you’re going to do it, do it, with an open mind and an open heart. And if it does go bad, tell your friends. Don’t take the L on Twitter.  Because again, Twitter loves no one. Carpe DM tho.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Oh, Internet

Today’s Word is… APPRECIATION

561fb28d1200002e007e5316

I like Valentine’s Day, it follows my typical formula of favorite holidays: positive, inclusive and not historically linked to white oppression.  I enjoy the holiday for what it is even though I haven’t had the most luck with it personally; I mean there was the time I was blown off so she could attend her godson’s birthday party with her ex, the time it got ruined because I wouldn’t tell her how much I tipped the attractive waitress, oh and the time when a certain someone went on about how she never got flowers before, I don’t just go and get some red roses, nah that’s basic I get a custom bouquet in her favorite colors, and she basically like these are very pretty, good looks fam.  You know how hard it is to track down some lilies in fucking February…wait, why do I like this day again?  Oh, I guess I love love and shit.  Ultimately, Valentine’s Day is about appreciating your partner, something that gets lost in the sauce, lost in the game so often.  Especially for my brethren.  Where the love, B?  Do men even get Valentine’s Day gifts?  Is that a thing? They have man crates now…it’s basically a gift basket but because of fragile masculinity they put it in a crate and you can open it with a crowbar.  This is really a thing.

Man Crates….yeah, well….YOU’RE A gift basket.

We seem to have reached two extremes, women who act as though their mere presence is appreciation and well, #PickMe twitter. The former, you take her on a weekend getaway for your anniversary and she might swallow and call it even.  The latter, you text a compliment and she might write an entire essay about how she prayed for this kind of love.  I can’t deal with neither; just give me something in the middle.

So, how do you show a man some appreciation?  Hell, I’m not even entirely sure how I want to be appreciated.  For the most part, I equate access with appreciation.  “I wouldn’t be out with you if I didn’t like you” or “You’ve done UVWXY and Z and I’m still dealing with your ass” were kinda hard to argue with.  Sex was even harder. (cuz you know people all place different value on sex and all that other stuff I don’t feel like getting into right now, maybe another post, probably not though).  I would say that’s how it goes for most men, we are affirmed by access whether its a phone number, accepting a date or a come thru. For the most part we carry on in relationships where we’re validated but maybe not valued if that makes any sense.   I would also say for most men their love language is physical touch, (but shoutout to the men like, yeah sex is lit but I like gifts more though…I can respeck it).  I’m a touch and quality time guy myself, so there’s not much complaining on my end either.

I dug a little deeper and asked a handful of women, without using sex how would they show a man they appreciated him.   The answers varied from simply telling him to wait why can’t we have sex again (gotta love the pick mes yo).  The most common answer, food.  I was expecting more genuine compliments, support their hobbies, thank yous, affirmations…you know, to bust the myth that a man is so simple all he needs is sex, food, and peace.  But the more I think about it…that’s a solid hand.  Maybe we are that simple.  Quality time is cool and all but turns out my love language is actually pasta.  So I guess this valentines day, show that special someone how special they are…feed them.  Or I guess, you can just get the nigga a man crate.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan, Uncategorized

Today’s Word is… READY

 

I never really believed in being “ready” for a relationship.  What was there to be ready for?  You want me or you don’t. Find someone you like,  be with that person, fin. To me, not yet means not you.  I can look back at the times when I was “working on me” or “needed time” and honestly say it was just never going to be them. (Sorry)   I know myself, and I know I’m not that selfless to pass up on someone special to work on me.  Someone “cool”? Probably. Even now, I could say I’m chilling on the dating front…the right person comes along and I’ll jump right off that cliff.  I don’t know no better. It’s the flaw of the romantic; to go with the possibility, the potential, the idea that you can go through it together. It’s sweet, but admittedly naive.  Life isn’t like the movies. 

In the romantic comedy,  the jaded, heartbroken career person gets pressured by their best friend to go on the date in the first place, they are charmed by the person, then they screw it up because jaded and heartbroken, and then they realize the error of their ways, and it’s happily ever after.  In real life, someone tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship, you try tirelessly to win them over to no avail, at best y’all are sleeping together, at worst you’re just “a friend”.  It cuts you like a knife, that they can’t see that this can be their forever but you also can’t bring yourself to leave because they make you happy. You’ve convinced yourself that one day your efforts will be rewarded, but they never are. You get fed up.  You call them out, you talk about everything you do for them…they will retort tell you they never asked you to.  You’ll be checkmated because they are absolutely right.   

Like the Great Auntie Maya says, When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  They tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them.  They change their mind…well… I’m torn.  My gut would say don’t; they had a chance and passed, now for all you know someone they DID want curved them and here they is coming back to you.  Keep your heart, 3 stacks.  My head would say, good… now make her earn YOU.  But I’m working on being a better person in 2017. My heart would say, this is still the person who made you excited about what’s possible again.  Yes, they are late to them the party but they arrived nonetheless.  
A lesson I’m still learning: everyone just won’t see things my way. (The world would be so much better if they did, instead we have Bigots in Chief and people still eating bland blood colored chocolate and calling it “velvet”).  As someone who knows what he wants the second he sees it, I can’t take it (too) personally when someone may just be too busy with work, or needs to work on themselves first, has their reservations, or kinda hates men at the moment.  That sometimes people just aren’t with trying to fix things on the fly.  (Inefficient, really…but I digress). So while for me, “not ready for a relationship” is a soft curve but for others it can mean just that.  Next thing you know you gonna tell me dogs actually eat homework.  

Pursuer privilege is also a factor here. If I’m not ready for a relationship, I can simply stop dating, stop entertaining, just chill.  I don’t really have to worry about someone coming along who is everything I want and having to really assess if I’m ready to do this. (Because women I’m don’t/shouldn’t shoot shots…but that’s another post).  For me to pursue someone on my own accord and then say I’m not ready.  It’s not me, it’s them.  Even if maybe I pursued them and they just went 0-60 with it, again…not my actual readiness for a relationship it’s my readiness for theirs. Saying I’m not ready, just sounds cleaner…and after I leave y’all this game don’t say I never gave you nothing:

(If they actually didn’t know what they wanted, they wouldn’t be shopping in the first place.)
Happy New Year. 

-Stan-

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Relationships, Simply Stan