Monthly Archives: April 2018

Today’s Word is… SEALIONING

The Road Runner is the most unbothered character in the history of cartoons. No matter how panini pressed Wile E Coyote is to get him for reasons no one understands, the Road Runner never gets revenge, never even asks what’s his deal, he just watches the plan backfire, laughs to himself and keeps it moving. The Road Runner is a mood, as the kids say. You’d think after all this time, energy, and resources the coyote would cut his losses and find something else to do, maybe find a slower bird or an Arby’s, but no he keeps trying and the Road Runner will remain unbothered. The lesson, be more like Road Runner, the Coyote never wins.

It’s never been more prevalent than in the past week, where it’s… been a week. Kanye West is a MAGAt, R Kelly got dropped by his publicist, Bill Cosby finally going to jail, and Nas is an abuser. As usual, everyone has their opinions, and “cancels” ready to go, as do their respective loyalists. It’s the best and worst thing about the internet, everyone has an opinion but doesn’t want to hear yours unless you agree. I mean, I’m no different… I don’t want to hear a Trump supporters side of the story, if you think the earth is flat and don’t at least play for the Celtics don’t speak to me ever. I’m right, you’re wrong, go away. But then there’s the people who bait you into a debate by asking for elucidation, proof, evidence and you, armed with receipts oblige thinking surely any rational person can see this and understand how and why they are wrong… But they don’t. They hit you back with a “Where’s the source to your source?”, change the subject entirely with a “What about black on black crime?” or they casually dismiss with a “It’s not that deep, I was just asking a question”. Now you’re enraged, you want to jump through the screen and choke them… You’ve been Wile E Coyoted.

Sealioning, as it’s more commonly referred to is just that. It’s intentional naiveté, they could easily Google these things but the point is to burden you with the questions. White people KNOW why they can’t say nigga, the purpose of asking is to annoy and aggravate. Argh argh argh why did Cosby’s victims take so long to come forward, they clap they hands and wait for you to toss them a fish. (or is that a seal? Black lives matter, fact don’t). People take the bait and hours later, nothing has changed, they’ve been played and now they need donations for self care after such tiring emotional labor.

Just the other day, I tweeted that while Kanye has been bitching, Rihanna is quietly doing everything he claims he’s being held back from and a swarm of sealions washed ashore demanding to know what I meant by that, and how much money has Rihanna made in the last 3 years… Nigga, fuck you. I’ll take time out to have a discussion with friends and family, maybe even a white coworker on a Friday, if I’m in a good mood.. But not a jackass on the internet who is just gonna disregard and move the goalposts. Sealions play on your need to be right. Its a trap I’ve fallen into before, but these days I’m all out of fucks to give and I don’t even care if you’re loud, wrong and dumb. I’m probably just gonna make fun of you with a quip and keep it moving. Google is free*.

-Stan-

*Well I’m sure we pay for it with our data #StayWoke

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Today’s Word is… STARBUCKS

When I had heard the story about the men arrested in Starbucks, I had 3 thoughts; First, white people are entirely too comfortable calling the police. We should just treat the police like the mob that they are. You don’t call Frankie the Butcher to move a sofa. You call for a noise complaint next thing you know someone is getting shot 15 times because they thought a remote was a gun. Two, everyone who has ever had a retail or service job knows that the solution is always to provide great service. If the manager was so concerned with these nigg…loiterers in her store she should’ve went and asked them if they needed anything. This isn’t a liquor store or a bank, it’s a fucking Starbucks; thugs don’t sip macchiatos, there was nothing to fear in this situation. The men most likely would’ve explained that they was waiting on a third party and also read the temperature of the room and ordered something which brings me ultimately to my third point, black men are very much aware of your discomfort around them.

One of my favorite T.I. songs is a track off his second album (and the first we cared about) called Doin My Job. It was something I hadn’t really heard before, a pragmatic view on dope dealing. No grand tales about “Papi” or the money, the cars or the jewels. It was, look I don’t wanna be here any more than you want me here but I got bills. A sentiment that anyone can understand. I mean sure drug dealing is still very illegal but hey there’s a demand, he’s a supply. He won’t bother you, don’t bother him. He’s just doing my job. It’s the overall sentiment of being a black man living in America, we don’t wanna be here as much as you don’t want us here but we here and got shit to do. Leave us be.

Even for dudes who willingly went to Starbucks I refuse to believe that their black spidey sense wouldn’t had kicked in if approached. There are plenty of times where I subconsciously try to make myself less intimidating. I smile in the elevator, I slow my pace if I’m walking behind you, might cross a street, take off my hood…I get that I’m a stranger. I get that discomfort. There are plenty of places where I feel uncomfortable around a bunch of white people especially as a lifelong Bostonian, like Fenway Park after a crushing loss. Or after a thrilling win. Southie. Anywhere Martin Scorsese or Ben Affleck made a movie. About 85% of pubs. The 2am train. Championship parades. And apparently, Starbucks.

You know who is most aware of the only black person in the room? The black person. Most likely trying to survive the situation making as little waves as possible and don’t need you and especially not the police to intervene. (For what it’s worth, I would’ve gotten something, I don’t have a dream I can loiter in a bland coffeeshop without purchase, go to a library.)

[Editor’s Note 4/19/18 2:00pm: I had thought they were at least posted up for a bit, but no she called the cops within 2 whole ass minutes. Is this 1964? Was there a whites only sign that they missed? 120 seconds and you lose your mind? Fucking white people man.]

I assure you white people, black people really aren’t worried about your ass, we just doing our job.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CANCELED

Unrelated, but I think about it every time I write the word

I remember way back in the day when Tommy Hilfiger was hot in these streets, there was a rumor about how he went on Oprah of all places and basically said he ain’t like niggas rocking his shit. No one saw this interview but everyone knew about this interview and so it spread through the barbershops, the salons, the playgrounds and with no internet to disprove it became something we all just accepted as fact until, well I’m sure your auntie still thinks it happened. She probably remembers the episode. It’s the Berenstain effect. And so Tommy Hilfiger wasn’t hot in these streets, if you DID wear it, someone somewhere was probably going to tell you about that Oprah interview that never happened but happened. And so, we went to Ralph Lauren and never looked back. All because of fake news. Sad.

Fast forward to 2018, armed with the internet and screenshots, you ACTUALLY come for us, we’ll get you up outta here. (or at least try to… More on that later). Over the years, Black Twitter has developed a reputation for paint removal of the racist, problematic and ashy. Make a racist joke before your flight to Africa and you will land unemployed (and then end up with a cushy low profile job at DraftKings because that privelege is just too strong). Wearing black face on Halloween with your employer listed on Facebook, sucks to be you. But then there’s the other side of it, where sometimes people just…get it wrong. We were all born woke, some people need to get dragged a few times, others might have some growing up to do, then of course there’s the irredeemables. Where is the line? Is there a committee? Maybe there’s an app that tells you who and what is canceled. Like a woke Yelp, we can’t eat there the owner is a Trump supporter. Or the star of this movie is rapey. (*adds that to list of ideas I’ll never follow through on*)

Where I struggle with cancel culture is that I feel like there isn’t much forgiveness. To forgive surrenders leverage that I think people want more than they care to admit. Plenty of people jump at the chance to humble someone whether they’re offended or not. I do think there’s a difference between someone saying something fucking stupid and being a trash person overall. For example, Kevin Spacey is a monster who should never work in the industry again. Matt Damon is just a fucking idiot who shouldn’t be asked things. I’ve been on the other end of that, I’ve said dumb shit got dragged and learned from it and so I’m far more likely to forgive when people say some dumb shit. That doesn’t mean others have to as well, it means I’M moving forward. I don’t have time to keep track of everyone I’m supposed to be mad at. (At least until I make the app) Most fuck ups fuck up again anyway. Like every time I forget Charlamagne is trash he does something else. Michael Vick paid his debt to society and hasn’t gotten a parking ticket since. (*ahem* people say fuck him forever and while that’s their right I wonder why that is…). R. Kelly has been R Kellying for a quarter century. (At least. Sickening. Also can artists just start remaking his songs, I miss When a Woman’s Fed Up)

Woke Phi Woke™ Twitter will have you believe they never not knew better as if most of us didn’t grow up in problematic black ass households where you were told to pull your pants up and little girls were called fast. We’re all still learning and growing and nothing productive comes from acting otherwise. (There’s exceptions tho, some of these niggas are like 40, been online for well over a decade and still gotta be told why “what was she wearing is wrong”). But at the end of the day, is the purpose to get an apology or drag? Do you want people to be better or just like having the moral high ground? I know I enjoy unleashing the dragging every now and again but part of me wishes people would grow the fuck up already. To quote the mumble singer SZA, aren’t you tired of always making amends?

It’s exhausting. Some have the stamina for it, I do not. I simply take my time, money and energy elsewhere. Don’t listen, don’t watch, don’t invest, and frankly, don’t care if anyone else does. Say something stupid I’ll probably tell you how and why that was stupid, make fun of you, and then proceed with my life because I don’t actually care if how or when you apologize, or whether or not you work again. It’s simply, fuck you.

-Stan-

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