Monthly Archives: April 2017

Today’s Word is… STANDARDS

[Editors Note: Issa throwback…well, with a director’s cut.]


Attractive. Educated. Independent. Sweet. Confident. Compassionate.
(I just described most of my exes. Hell, I just described me.) 

Minimal baggage. Career. Non smoker. Social or not Drinker. Been in long term relationship. Classy.
(Still got most of my exes, a few eliminated, i’m still there)

Knows how to cook. Hair stays done. Always groomed. Puts it down in the sheets. Sense of style.  Body’s stacked.
(Still got some of my exes…no self respecting man will call themselves stacked, that’s where I bow out.)

5’9 and under. In shape.  Knows how to defer to a man. No trust issues. Diversified interests. Mentally stimulating. Great chemistry.
(I’m hearing chatter…now who do I think I am, what am I bringing to the table)

Low maintenance. Good with hanging out at home. Understands discretion.  Can make lasagna. Open minded in the bedroom. Wants kids. Fiscally responsible.
(This negreaux think he Idris or something…)

Standards are funny, as are the people love/hate them. No one ever has issue with standards unless it inconveniences them.  I don’t care that if you’re only chasing 6’4 lightskinned dudes you’re going to miss out on great guys, I care that I’m not 6’4 or lightskinned and I will never be, therefore I’m not invited to that table.  I didn’t want to sit there but now that I can’t, suddenly I want to sit there?  For who, for what? My list was very p.c, however if I got my mac on (You ever read something you wrote years ago and roll your eyes at how lame you were…this was one of those times) and said I want an exotic chick, hourglass figure, all natural…sistas would come for my head.  Reason #1, they’ll be damned if I don’t want them even if they don’t want me cuz…principality. Reason #2, who the hell am I to have such strong demands.

As you get older, and still single suddenly your standards are too blame.  The Beast could’ve let Belle just go have brunch with her girls and they would’ve told her that he’s tall AND has a whole castle, dont. block. ya. blessings. and she’d probably go right back.  Men don’t get it nearly as hard, I can probably hand wring myself to loneliness until at least 33.  Men aren’t told they are being unreasonable, or they are expecting perfection even when they are.  I have a homeboy who for the most part splurges on instajawns and to my knowledge never had an actual girlfriend.  I’m sure his mama might ask, but no one else cares.

Your standards represent you, your priorities, your traits, your aspirations.  It shows if you’re looking to just be treated good, f cked right, or want an actual relationship.  It shows your self confidence and what you believe you bring to the table.  Women say that men are constantly pestering them to lower their standards to accommodate them; I’m actually the opposite, show me you demand all that.  This goes both ways, you can’t be all over the club scene and social media and then demand someone who isn’t all over the club scene and social media.  You can’t demand a woman who’s cultured when all you watch is sports and action movies.  You can’t demand a man with his own place and a car when you staying at a homegirl’s and working part time.  I mean you can demand but spoiler alert, it won’t work out well for you.  Those independent, ambitious people you seek…well, they want other independent ambitious people.
There has to be some accountability for who you choose to let into your life, who you expect to come into your life and how they’re treated when they’re there.  The time spent on people who aren’t on “your level” adds up. It’s a lesson I’m still learning, my phone just full of women who I know weren’t what I was looking for, but #Ihaveneeds.  I can’t be taken seriously if I’m not taking my own standards seriously.  I know what I want and I’m not settling for less (maybe a few things, the lasagna game is non negotiable tho), in the meantime I #minuswhale use my time as productively as possible so I become the offer she can’t refuse.
-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SPAM

WHERE. IS. THE. FOUL?!?!


June 6, 1999.  The day I won’t forget (okay I googled it but still).  It was the Indiana Pacers versus the New York Knicks.  My mother, an Indiana native loved her Pacers, so in turn I loved them too like you would that cousin who is a little too old to be hanging with you but y’all still had to kick it when they came over. So the game is going to the wire, my mother is stressed, about a bunch of more important things, but this game wasnt helping.  I really wanted her to have this one, just for a night.  So, I prayed for the Pacers to pull it out.  Then the improbable happened…Larry Johnson, forward for the Knicks, goes up for the 3, drains it and gets called for the foul. (Ain’t no one even touch his ass) A four point play, the Knicks would win.  It was like God himself was like, “stop playing on my phone, B”.  I haven’t rooted for the Pacers since, even when they went the Finals that next year. (Sorry Ma).  
At that tender age of 9, I learned don’t be out here praying for silliness. (I’ve also spoken on my struggles with prayer more earnestly here).  Many people never got that lesson, every tense sporting event you see fans praying in the stands, for the result of a game that has little to no effect on their lives, except maybe that dude with the gambing addiction who probably bet his mortgage on the game…really sucks to be that guy.  However, even for him his prayers are probably going unanswered. Why? Because our God has other things to do, sports fan prayers are definitely going in His spam folder.  I would say His spam folder consists of:

– Aforementioned sports fans prayers

– R Kelly’s “U Saved Me” album

– Anything from Eddie Long (What, too soon?) or molester catholic priests

– Prayer for something bad to befall someone (besides, that’s what karma is for)

– His name said in vain during the throws of passion

– That time OJ Simpson thanked God like he didn’t kill 2 people

– Prayers for your cousin to get out of jail like he didn’t kill 2 people

– Prayers for something to happen to the teacher because your behind ain’t study

–  Prayers the test is negative even though you know she wasn’t cheating

– Writing “amen” on some Facebook post even though you have no idea if it’s true or not

– Prayers for Creflo Dollar to get his jet

–  Grace said with a mouth full of food (yeah I said it)

– This.

Prayer warrior gon’ pray


– Prayer for someone’s wickedness when everyone knows you just being shady, Sister Audrey 
– That ignant prayer from Baby Boy

That time Jay Z won the Grammy and said he wanted to thank God a little bit

– Whatever that shorty in Mary Mary said before she shot up that car

– Everything Pastor Ma$e said after he became Murda Ma$e again

– Those “thoughts and prayers” tweets from members of Congress after a mass shooting when they refuse to do anything about gun control

– Prayers for her to come back when you both know you ain’t changed

I mean every now and again you can slip one by, you made to work and back with your tank on E.  Maybe some sports fans did slip one by because the Cubs are defending champions. And now Trump is (their) President. See what happens? Stop playing on His phone, B.  

-Stan-

 

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Today’s Word is… FLIGHT


The “fight or flight response” is our body’s primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to “fight” or “flee” from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.  You could say the same applies to our overall well being, particularly in dating. Your relationship hits a snag, do you fight or flight?  I feel like the generations before fought; adversity just came with the territory.   We all know of the old married couple who damn near hate each other and now they’ve been married 50 years because who wants to start over even after 10.  Then of course there was the whole women couldn’t work, don’t want to leave the kids, cost of divorce, etc so they just rode the wave of a decision they made at 18 years old and waited for the other to just die already.   The pickings were slim and when you had one you kept it.  Abuse, affairs, aloofness, alcoholism  (alliteration for the win) you rode it out.
These days, having seen what they went through we are flightier than ever. We stay in airplane mode.  It’s easy to move on when every single person in a 30 mile radius is right there in an app.  (Or further than that; if you’re into that kinda thing) Is it an overcorrection?  Perhaps.  Dating has become fundamentally flawed because everyone has one foot out the door because they won’t be the ones looking like BooBoo the fool.  We’ve gone from slim pickings to option overload.  We’re casually moving on the next one and effectively not learning anything. Where’s the incentive to?  I learned recently some women won’t even save your number until you prove yourself.  A contact, B?  We are so dismissive about dating that it’s like why do we even bother?  Or is it we are just really careful.  We hook up, explore options and when we’ve had our fun we turn around and then settle down with no regrets.  Maybe we need a word for the stage when you are dating but are fairly certain you haven’t found your forever worth fighting for.

 My fight was the skrongest.  I fell hard and fast and turned a blind eye to things that I probably knew better to.  Now, it’s a fight to even want to fight.  I’d become a pragmatist, we probably won’t get married so this is just borrowed time anyway.  It wasn’t even that I didn’t care for these women I just couldn’t disabuse myself of the inevitable.  I’m an INFJ, I project and shit.  It wasn’t fair to them (even though I’m pretty accurate with these things), the magic 8 ball in my head told me this wasn’t going to last and I acted accordingly.  Now because of me, she is pretty much over geminis, dark skin, beards, accountants, and dudes with blogs.  So she’s cold to them and they take it our on the next girl. It’s the circle of strife.  

Maybe one day we’ll reach that middle ground where you aren’t hanging on to a dead end relationship but also aren’t blocking numbers because you haven’t spoke in a few days.  Where real feelings aren’t being hidden by passive aggressive memes and being yasssssed by the same home girls who are eyeball emoji’ng his pictures.  I used to be patient, I used to be persistent and even I have to catch myself from sinking the whole island when I’m peeved.  I’ve stayed too long in situations and probably gave up too easily on others. The former likely the cause of the latter.  You fight and get your ass whooped your instinct is probably flight the next time.  And flight is the safest way to go if you never want to be hurt, but it’s also means you’ll never win either.  

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CON

Previously on the Trumpocalypse:

Wait, wtf you mean he won?

The Cheeto-Elect

The NAHguration

Don’t Trust Race Bannon!

3/6/17 (Day 118)- It’s the remix to the ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen, Twitler just dropped another Muslim Ban, a slightly altered edition.  He basically scratched off Iraq and turned it right back in.  I expect it to be struck down again because, again illegal as fuck to do so.  Meanwhile, the media is casually running with the Obama wiretap story because apparently no one has taken social studies or at least watched Season 5 of The Wire to know it’s again, illegal as fuck to use a wiretap on a private citizen without a federal judge’s approval.  Yes, even for Presidents.  Thankfully so, for the President we have now.  Because if I were to bet on which President would be the one to abuse such a power, it would be Orange Foolius in a landslide.

3/7/17 (Day 119)- One of my biggest pet peeves is the fake woke inward on Facebook who believes generational economic disparity could be solved if black people just stopped buying Jordans.  I have textbooks that cost more than sneakers and if we keeping it a buck the sneakers are probably worth it because the book was worth 50% less the second I walked out of the store.  That impulse to blame the poor for bad priorities rather than acknowledge the flaws in the system is just beyond stupid.  It felt like only *WE* was hit with that faulty logic like white kids don’t buy shoes too.  So today I couldn’t help but be tickled by the fact that the game flipped up finally.  As Republicans scramble to defend their inexcusably bad health care bill, they have nowhere to turn but on their own constituents.  Now it’s not about the higher co-pays and deductibles, but rather how low income Americans prioritize their spending.  The irony is delicious.  Instead of fixing the problem, it’s easier to spin how people aren’t as poor as they think.  Except, no matter how much one saves, one long hospital visit can wipe out their savings and then some.  So then what?

3/13/17 (Day 125)- Sunkist Stalin thinks they’re cameras in the microwave.  I’m perfectly OK making fun of him while recognizing I grew up with aunties who turned off the TV during thunderstorms.

Stay Woke

3/15/17 (Day 127)- Just waking up and the President is beefing with Snoop Dogg. No big deal.  This feels like a wacky dream sequence on a TV show, hell it WAS a wacky dream sequence on a TV show.


3/16/17 (Day 128)- When you watch enough basketball, it’s easy to spot a heat check.  It’s when a player if feeling himself so much that he’ll take shots further and quicker just to see how “on” he is.  I feel like the Nacho Nazi is in a heat check. He’s just pulling up from 40 just to see if it goes in.  2 Muslim 2 Ban was blocked, as expected. His budget is so awful I doubt it passes, his healthcare bill will take away 24,000,000 subscribers and even his signature wall seems dead in the water.  His entire campaign, a heat check it went from a boast to party frontrunner, to nominee and now he’s President and all he wanted was a few tax breaks for him and his cronies.  It’s as if he himself underestimated the power of white mediocrity.

3/19/17 (Day 132)- Mere days after proposing cuts to heating assistance, meals on wheels, affordable housing, combating homelessness, a law was passed allowing states to require drug testing for unemployment benefits.  When it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t got shit else to do…drink, apparently.  The war on poor people wages on, and as long as Dwight P Poe think they are sticking it to Shaniqua they won’t notice these attacks are on them as well.

3/20/17 (Day 133)- At a campaign rally even though he’s already president, Toupee Fiasco boasts to his uneducated fans about how the NFL is afraid to sign Colin Kaepernick because they don’t want to feel the wrath of his tweets.  *reads that sentence again because this can’t be life*.  Young Cheez-it has made a habit of referencing companies by name online causing small spikes or dips in their stock, you would think a President would recognize this and stop doing so but he continues to push the button because he’s a giant orange man baby.  Kaepernick, who is 29 years old, could find himself out of a career because he dared stand up for something he believed in. Meanwhile, Senate hearings begin today about whether the President colluded with Russia.  Oh, the irony.

3/24/17 (Day 137)- “Obamacare is the law of the land” – Speaker Ryan
Just gives you chills like saying “Mufasa”.  The AHCA aka Trumpcare aka Get Rich or Try Dying aka Lightskinned Aunt Viv Care aka Great Value Care failed spectacularly today.  Even with a GOP majority.  Isn’t closing deals supposed to be his thing?  Mango Musselini’s response, “meh.”  I remember when Obama first mentioned healthcare, I remember “YOU LIE”, I remember all the town halls, I remember Mitt Romney running for President promising to repeal it like he didn’t sign it into law in Massachusetts in the first place, I remember the Supreme Court rulings.  Trump tried to force a bill without even getting the cost of it, gave a 24 hour ultimatum and now that it’s failed it’s as if it never happened.  All in vain to quickly snatch the legacy of the first black President out of the history books. The people who voted for him, they voted against Obamacare without realizing it went against their self interest. If the AHCA wasn’t so disastrous for women I would’ve wished it had passed just so they could learn the hard way.

Foreshadowing…

3/27/17 (Day 140)-36% approval rating, Muslim Ban failed twice, healthcare failed, and there’s still the wholetreason thing looming.  This is “unpresidented” failure.  Except his rates at Mar a Lago and his hotels have gone up, the secret service has to pay him to protect him and his name is a registered trademark in China. Is he a comically inept President or just a really shrewd con man?  I honestly believe it’s both.

3/30/17 (Day 143)- Then a hero comes along, with the strength to carr-, oh it’s just Mike Flynn.  Who has resurfaced with an offer of testimony in exchange for immunity.  The same “Lock her up” Mike Flynn.  Mr “if you’re given immunity it means you committed a crime” Mike Flynn. General “oh you meant THAT Russia” Mike Flynn.  Could he finally end the Trumpocalypse once and for all?

3/31/17 (Day 144)- Immunity denied.  Welp.  See y’all next month. Until then, stay knucked. Bucked. Ready to fight.

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