Monthly Archives: February 2017

Today’s Word is… SHARING 

It was about a decade ago (fuck, I’m old)…I had broken up with my college girlfriend.  I was so sick of love songs and I had to make the song cry all of that.  So then came time to make the breakup official for the 99 and the 07, the Facebook relationship status change. I was still new to the Facebook thing so when I did it, I didn’t know that it would literally be announced to the whole school.  With a photo we were tagged in together.  Stupid Facebook. I guess it served me right, I was obnoxious about my relationship.  I went through high school largely unchose and then I actually pulled a bad one? Mama I made it!  She wasn’t as obnoxious but she liked me so she let me cook.  But now…it was over.  And the whole school (#altfacts it was pretty much just all the black freshmen on a campus of 28,000) knew.  Stan did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

In this social media age, where is the line drawn between over sharing and secrecy?  Or as the stweets would call it, stay low and build.  It feels like we’ve broken off into two camps, people who cant stop sharing and people who treat their relationships like a covert op.  We all our roll eyes at the oversharer, you know the person who snapchats their entire day, posts screenshots of their intimate conversations and you’re like can you just log off and go suck his dick or something?  It reeks of overcompensation.  Then there’s people who fool and flirt all day and you find out on Valentine’s Day they’ve actually been married for 5 years.

With me, I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.  I literally write about my life, sometimes the people in it come up in the conversation sometimes they don’t.   If you’ve been reading a while, you’ll notice a new nickname pop up and then a few months later they are upstairs with Judy Winslow.  *Pour out some tequila for Tequila*  I’ve also gotten in trouble for not acknowledging enough and purporting myself as single. My friends and family know when I’m seeing someone, even y’all might catch a hint or two but outward declarations of this is bae….nah, we gotta be really serious.
It’s not because I care if people knows I’ve broken up with someone.  Its not like when I marry someone, Ima decide to talk down on “wack” single people meanwhile my wife hasn’t touched me in weeks, and then when I get divorced get in my feelings when someone points out the irony of it all.  I was embarrassed by the Facebook breakup because I was ostentatious about it, I was embarrassed by another one because mainly because it ended very ugly, oh and the whole supposed to get married thing.  Everyone else, I mean it sucked but I was licking my own wounds and not pressed on what strangers thought.  People break up everyday, B.  I think I share with a healthy balance, I’m not ashamed of anyone I’ve been with, and I also don’t need to document every moment like I’ve never had someone before.

Moral of the story,  just be real about it. The ones who take breakups the hardest publicly usually do because the relationship was never about them and they knew it.  Just like that relationship in college was more about my #selfofsteam than it was ever about her.  (But that’s another post entirely).  If you find yourself projecting or being so lowkey and paranoid that you won’t acknowledge someone until “I do”, perhaps some soul searching is in order.  Shrug life.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HURTBAE

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So the other day on Twitter, not long after the timeline was basking in the glow of Valentine’s Day, showing off gifts, boasting how they started with a DM now they here and whathaveyou I had noticed a video was going viral.  I largely ignored it at first because in an age of vine and snapchat, a 7 minute video is pretty much a Martin Scorsese film.  Eventually, I gave in and watched.  Broken, a video from TheScene.com or as the stweets would call it #HurtBae, featured an ex couple seeking closure, and by closure the woman, Kourtney asked her ex, Leonard how and why he cheated and he pretended to care and jedi mind tricked her into thinking the entire breakup was a mutual thing.  The video itself was moving, I suppose but it made me wonder…WHY DO WE BOTHER WITH CLOSURE?  #HurtBae and her ex don’t live in the same state, she supposedly has a new man, a good man, so why did she even volunteer for this?  There was nothing this inward was going to say that was going to change anything.  He attempted to guilt trip her about her about her insecurity and why she didn’t just leave if he was clearly ain’t shit.  (I really don’t want to call dude a sociopath because he is only like 23, but this dude might be a sociopath).

I’ve touched on this last year, closure doesn’t work because the other person clearly doesn’t care that much.  They didn’t care about your feelings when they had you, why would they when they don’t.  #HurtBae wanted him to care so bad, wanted him to see that he broke her, and his only emotion was mild inconvenience.  Even after the video has gone viral and he doesn’t regret how he came off, he is just annoyed black twitter still flaming him. He started off calling her his best friend but looked her dead in her face as she cried and didn’t even attempt to reach out and console her (cuz, sociopath).  Hell, I’ve confronted cheaters and still ended up being the one consoling them (cuz, sucker), it’s just…instinct. How do you just sit and let someone cry in front of you? Someone you care for?

 

Unbothered.

Then to the elephant in the room, why did you cheat?  The answer is the same for why anyone does anything they wasn’t supposed to do…they thought they could get away with it.  If I go into a store, the clerk is so engrossed with their phone they refuse to do their damn job and I just walk out with my stuff because clearly they don’t want my money.  Rationalized? Yes. Still wrong tho.  (*sips stolen water*).  Asking someone why did they cheat is giving them an excuse to blame you for being wrong.  Fuck all of that, B.  It doesn’t matter what reasons you have, you were wrong, you knew you were wrong and you thought you could get away with it, or in dude’s case he KNEW #HurtBae wasn’t about to do shit.

I don’t know if Broken is a one off or a series, I would hope the former because I don’t see how it’s productive.  Forgiveness is very overrated.  Sometimes it’s easier to be like, “you hurt me, so fuck you” and keep it moving.  It’s not bitter, it’s not resentment, why place the burden on yourself to make them see that they was wrong?  Whether ol boy grows and learns from this wasn’t going to happen based on that conversation.  When I was her age (oh shit, I’m old), I was driving myself mad trying to get someone I loved to just try and see things my way.  Now, I just chill and wait for karma (because it’s unethical to pray for things to happen to people).  Maybe one day she’s going to wake up and realize she became everything I hoped she wouldn’t, hell maybe she already has.  I wouldn’t know. Don’t care neither.  Treat it just like I treat a certain segment of our “great” nation, when they are still poor, uneducated, uninsured and realize their mans changed sold them tragic beans, I’ll be chilling.  For #HurtBae, when ol boy is in his 30s, losing his hair, getting dogged out by the woman he wants to do right by and scrolling her social media, he might then realize he slipped up.  Because that’s how closure actually works.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… APPRECIATION

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I like Valentine’s Day, it follows my typical formula of favorite holidays: positive, inclusive and not historically linked to white oppression.  I enjoy the holiday for what it is even though I haven’t had the most luck with it personally; I mean there was the time I was blown off so she could attend her godson’s birthday party with her ex, the time it got ruined because I wouldn’t tell her how much I tipped the attractive waitress, oh and the time when a certain someone went on about how she never got flowers before, I don’t just go and get some red roses, nah that’s basic I get a custom bouquet in her favorite colors, and she basically like these are very pretty, good looks fam.  You know how hard it is to track down some lilies in fucking February…wait, why do I like this day again?  Oh, I guess I love love and shit.  Ultimately, Valentine’s Day is about appreciating your partner, something that gets lost in the sauce, lost in the game so often.  Especially for my brethren.  Where the love, B?  Do men even get Valentine’s Day gifts?  Is that a thing? They have man crates now…it’s basically a gift basket but because of fragile masculinity they put it in a crate and you can open it with a crowbar.  This is really a thing.

Man Crates….yeah, well….YOU’RE A gift basket.

We seem to have reached two extremes, women who act as though their mere presence is appreciation and well, #PickMe twitter. The former, you take her on a weekend getaway for your anniversary and she might swallow and call it even.  The latter, you text a compliment and she might write an entire essay about how she prayed for this kind of love.  I can’t deal with neither; just give me something in the middle.

So, how do you show a man some appreciation?  Hell, I’m not even entirely sure how I want to be appreciated.  For the most part, I equate access with appreciation.  “I wouldn’t be out with you if I didn’t like you” or “You’ve done UVWXY and Z and I’m still dealing with your ass” were kinda hard to argue with.  Sex was even harder. (cuz you know people all place different value on sex and all that other stuff I don’t feel like getting into right now, maybe another post, probably not though).  I would say that’s how it goes for most men, we are affirmed by access whether its a phone number, accepting a date or a come thru. For the most part we carry on in relationships where we’re validated but maybe not valued if that makes any sense.   I would also say for most men their love language is physical touch, (but shoutout to the men like, yeah sex is lit but I like gifts more though…I can respeck it).  I’m a touch and quality time guy myself, so there’s not much complaining on my end either.

I dug a little deeper and asked a handful of women, without using sex how would they show a man they appreciated him.   The answers varied from simply telling him to wait why can’t we have sex again (gotta love the pick mes yo).  The most common answer, food.  I was expecting more genuine compliments, support their hobbies, thank yous, affirmations…you know, to bust the myth that a man is so simple all he needs is sex, food, and peace.  But the more I think about it…that’s a solid hand.  Maybe we are that simple.  Quality time is cool and all but turns out my love language is actually pasta.  So I guess this valentines day, show that special someone how special they are…feed them.  Or I guess, you can just get the nigga a man crate.

-Stan-

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