I never really believed in being “ready” for a relationship. What was there to be ready for? You want me or you don’t. Find someone you like, be with that person, fin. To me, not yet means not you. I can look back at the times when I was “working on me” or “needed time” and honestly say it was just never going to be them. (Sorry) I know myself, and I know I’m not that selfless to pass up on someone special to work on me. Someone “cool”? Probably. Even now, I could say I’m chilling on the dating front…the right person comes along and I’ll jump right off that cliff. I don’t know no better. It’s the flaw of the romantic; to go with the possibility, the potential, the idea that you can go through it together. It’s sweet, but admittedly naive. Life isn’t like the movies.
In the romantic comedy, the jaded, heartbroken career person gets pressured by their best friend to go on the date in the first place, they are charmed by the person, then they screw it up because jaded and heartbroken, and then they realize the error of their ways, and it’s happily ever after. In real life, someone tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship, you try tirelessly to win them over to no avail, at best y’all are sleeping together, at worst you’re just “a friend”. It cuts you like a knife, that they can’t see that this can be their forever but you also can’t bring yourself to leave because they make you happy. You’ve convinced yourself that one day your efforts will be rewarded, but they never are. You get fed up. You call them out, you talk about everything you do for them…they will retort tell you they never asked you to. You’ll be checkmated because they are absolutely right.
Like the Great Auntie Maya says, When someone shows you who they are, believe them. They tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them. They change their mind…well… I’m torn. My gut would say don’t; they had a chance and passed, now for all you know someone they DID want curved them and here they is coming back to you. Keep your heart, 3 stacks. My head would say, good… now make her earn YOU. But I’m working on being a better person in 2017. My heart would say, this is still the person who made you excited about what’s possible again. Yes, they are late to them the party but they arrived nonetheless.
A lesson I’m still learning: everyone just won’t see things my way. (The world would be so much better if they did, instead we have Bigots in Chief and people still eating bland blood colored chocolate and calling it “velvet”). As someone who knows what he wants the second he sees it, I can’t take it (too) personally when someone may just be too busy with work, or needs to work on themselves first, has their reservations, or kinda hates men at the moment. That sometimes people just aren’t with trying to fix things on the fly. (Inefficient, really…but I digress). So while for me, “not ready for a relationship” is a soft curve but for others it can mean just that. Next thing you know you gonna tell me dogs actually eat homework.
Pursuer privilege is also a factor here. If I’m not ready for a relationship, I can simply stop dating, stop entertaining, just chill. I don’t really have to worry about someone coming along who is everything I want and having to really assess if I’m ready to do this. (Because women I’m don’t/shouldn’t shoot shots…but that’s another post). For me to pursue someone on my own accord and then say I’m not ready. It’s not me, it’s them. Even if maybe I pursued them and they just went 0-60 with it, again…not my actual readiness for a relationship it’s my readiness for theirs. Saying I’m not ready, just sounds cleaner…and after I leave y’all this game don’t say I never gave you nothing:
(If they actually didn’t know what they wanted, they wouldn’t be shopping in the first place.)
Happy New Year.