Today’s Word is… HOLIDAY

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  I mean technically I would argue that Fall is, but there’s no song for it.  As the holidays approach, so do the holiday parties; the one day your company tries to buy back your love after all the bullshit they put you through over the year.  For what it’s worth, I enjoy holiday parties.  I enjoy seeing people out of their usual element and get routinely amazed how people take a few shots and completely forget they are still at a work function.  Every year I sit and babysit my drink and watch colleagues make asses of themselves, I’m not that heroic.  I remember at one job I had, a manager got lit and I’m pretty sure she shot her shot at every brother on the payroll.  Someone may have took her up on that offer.  We still judge him. Drunk white women are predatory as fuck with black men, but that’s another post for another day.  The best parties to attend are other peoples’, I can be charming and social with no expectation that this same me will be here on Monday morning.  So as I’m sure you enjoy your holiday party shenanigans this weekend; just remember the rules to live by:

  1. If it’s not open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s Happy Hour.
  2. If it is open bar, its not a holiday party; it’s a challenge
  3. In spite of #2, handle your liquor
  4. I’m probably going to forget your +1s name by time the handshake ends
  5. Yes, white people you can dance. You still can’t dance alone.
  6. Don’t talk to me about work.
  7. You’re allowed 3 snapchats tops. After that you’re just being the feds
  8. I know it won’t but I want the ugly sweater trend to die in a fiery crash.
  9. Just because we shared a laugh at the party, doesn’t mean its now our inside joke for the next 6 months
  10. Always arrive a little late, black people…well y’all know.
  11. Don’t stare at the health crazed vegan on their 4th drink. You don’t know their life.
  12. The worst person in the world is the one person who didn’t go to the party but insists on full recaps on Monday.
  13. Just because they’re wife/husband ain’t there doesn’t mean they aren’t still married, savage
  14. Be mindful of your Yankee Swap gifts; last year someone brought a 50 Shades of Chicken cookbook, thankfully a white woman opened it
  15. The Yankee Swap isn’t that deep you can just buy those wine glasses, Susan
  16. If your workhusband/workwife is more attractive than your date, watch how more flirty they get going forward
  17. Don’t try to to pull the intern, have some couth
  18. You can learn everything about how a coworker feels about you by how their date reacts to your name
  19. Don’t be the ones starting rumors on Monday, stay out grown folks business
  20. Festive Casual isn’t a t shirt
  21. The boss always notices who wasn’t paying attention when they was giving a few words
  22. If someone asks you how many drinks/plates you have…it’s not a genuine inquiry, have the clapback ready
  23. Greet your boss, greet their date, avoid them for the rest of the evening
  24. One day we going to have to tell white people we don’t do Kwanzaa so they can stop trying to squeeze it in…the hell is Kwanzaa Bread Pudding, B
  25. And most important of all, don’t end up in HR on Monday.  Getting fired for Holiday Party shenanigans is literally getting fired on your day off. You got to be a dumb muhfugga to get fired on your day off.

-Stan-

 

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