So I’m not a phone person; I’m a writer…I need cogitation, rumination in this dancery. Tequila was the exception, she would call anyway, I would answer and suddenly it’s like 2 am and I’m counting how many hours of sleep I will have if I go to sleep at that instant and would I have time to grab coffee I will desperately need. We could talk about everything and nothing at the same time, like how many times the WB tried to make fetch happen with Holly Robinson Peete, the Panama papers, how petty Prince is being in heaven or how neo soul songs be so smooth you don’t realize how much of a fuckboy they’re being. I enjoyed our calls, it became my new normal. After it was over I thought maybe she finally had broke my long cold war with the phone call…she didn’t. Even from people I like, I can’t hide my lack of enthusiasm for this call. After I say what needs to be said its like, I need to throw this napkin away, lemme call you right back. (Don’t expect a call back). Then there’s someone like my father, who wants everything he needs to know in that one call, efficiently. Then he runs out of gas, it becomes “so…..you’re still a manager at that place, huh?”
If only there was a way to say something when you have something to say and just not when you don’t…oh yeah, like a text message. But instead of being too much like right, we hold on to this romantic notion of the phone call. We think back to the days of R&B song voicemails, 3 way calling, and eagerly anticipating calls from people you already seen today. Meh. Perchance it’s introversion, millennialism, or whatever but don’t call me, B.
1. It’s intrusive – The first time my office phone rang I was legit startled, like why is this paper weight making noise. I cringe when my cell screen lights up with an incoming call as I wait for it to go away because EVERYONE knows when it goes to voicemail after a ring and a half you’ve been rejected (why isn’t there an app for this, let freedom ring). At least text first, you don’t know what I’m up to or who I’m with for that matter.
2. What you want – I assume most out the blue calls are pocket dials, at which point I will text to confirm. Unlike a text where your actual thought is there to be read and interpreted…I don’t know why you called, and unless there’s a voicemail or an elucidating text I’m gonna assume it’s nothing which brings…
3. Public phone calls – I’m tickled by other people having private ass conversations out in public, myself I hate it. I refuse to be the one having the wildly inappropriate convo…like the other day this girl was leaving the gentleman’s home, apparently he didn’t make a move, she wondered to her friend does he like women or maybe he has a disease. (if this conversation was any indication I can see why he passed, but I’m sleep). I couldn’t not hear this conversation, and so I was
a) waiting to see if someone on the train was going to cuss her out
b) astounded how comfortable she was having this conversation in public…like that was a group text topic if there ever was one
Lost are the days of private conversations in the kitchen, fiddling with the cord, speaking of…
4. Cell service is trash – I can barely hear you, or you can’t hear me…I would get a landline but then Comcast gives your number to telemarketers (stay woke). Doesn’t matter if you’re Android or iPhone, Verizon or T mobile..it’s all shaky. It’s 2016 and technology has gotten worse in this regard…or maybe they realize no one wants to talk on the phone.
5. I said what I said – I don’t like calling customer service, I will read that ass in a DM tho. I’ve made it a practice to email my boss when I’m calling out because she loves to make a quick call out a business call full of updates and all the adulting shit I’ve already made a decision not to do today. It’s simply more convenient to have what I need to say, right there in black and white and undebateable. “I’m not feeling well, I won’t make it in ok thanks bye.” So much easier than picking up the phone trying to sound like Jeezy and sell this cold.
Most people who are strongly pro phone call are anti text because of the implied dismissal that comes with it. Convenient means effortless, effortless means uninvested, and uninvested means a 10 year situationship. Crack, crevice, deviance. Being called versus texted has become a line in the sand; I need your undivided attention, for reasons. Why not up the ante, is a facetime more intimate than a phone call now? Are we not allowed to multitask anymore? Or is this all just…silly. Communication is communication, whether it’s read or heard and frankly, most of what you have to say can be said in about 300 characters. If not, we can discuss over lunch instead.