Today’s Word is… SMOOCHR

So over the past 24 hours, the internet has been abuzz about Smoochr, a new dating app aimed at African Americans that allows you to choose a mate based by complexion, hair type and size of your lips. (I wish the internet would put some respeck on the letter e, e did nothing to deserve Judy Winslow treatment)  My first thought was that it had to be a joke, otherwise this is the most ridiculous thing I ever seen.  Of course, the thinkpiece industrial complex took over and varying pieces about how troublesome and problematic this app was hit the web because why ignore something you dislike when you can join it, take screenshots and write 700 words about it.  I have 7. The app is fucking stupid, The end.  

To be a wee bit fair, most online dating platforms are. While Smoochr is getting deservedly dragged for being the digital brown paper bag test in 2016, I couldn’t help but wonder about what WOULD be the hero black e love deserves, that it needs; the quintessential black dating app.  (My vote is soulswipe because the name remains hilarious to me, but the correct answer is and always has been Twitter)

Until now, as I roll out my blueprint for the black dating app we need, Chose© (patent pending…don’t steal my idea, Ill come find you, Liam Neeson style) style.  Chose or Chs because dropping vowels is cool or something, will cut through a lot of the bull that dating apps have today, starting with questions that really cut to the core

Height: 

Height with timbs/heels:

Height next to actual 6′ person:

What is your body type:

What is your preferred body type

Have you actually dated a someone of said body type?

If no, please adjust your preferences accordingly

When was your last dental exam?

Do you actually like to read books for leisure?

Which Jamie Foxx Hairline are you

Drums or Flats?

Do you drive?

Do you have regular access to an automobile ?

Do you luh God? 

Have you or ever set foot on the island you rep 

Are you employed and receive pay regularly?

Can you actually afford to date regularly? 

Are you single?

Would someone be upset if they heard you say you were single?

What body type was your mama back in the day

What was her type after she had you

Are you a sapiosexual?

If yes,  go away. 

Are you Black Lives Matter or wrong?

Please upload a photo:

Do you dress like this usually?

How old is this photo?

If > 12 months,  please upload recent photo:

So then, where Smoochr and other dating sites always slip up is they completely disregard the whole dating part.  My solution…Reviews. Maybe he was musty, maybe she is boring or not quite over her ex. Reviews hold people accountable, you wouldn’t stay at a hotel that was rated 2 stars why should you date a 2 star ass person?   Also you yourself get valuable feedback and now your friends can stop lying to you about how great you are. Chose© look for it in the app store and Google Play the day after Frank Ocean drops, the Eagles win a Superbowl and the police go 365 days without killing an unarmed black person. 

-Stan- 

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1 Comment

Filed under Oh, Internet, Randomness

One response to “Today’s Word is… SMOOCHR

  1. You have GOT to be kidding that this site/app exists! I totally understand that dating in 2016 is a damn near impossibility but come on!

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