So, I miss her.
I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry.
I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world. She was my muse, my peace, my hope.
With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan a comeback. I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to love my writing. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.
But what’s the point? Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary….
I wrote that 2 years ago about someone. 2 months after that, I met someone I could write that same thing about now. 2 years from now, I can…..well lets not put that in the universe. As I roll over in an empty bed, I can sell myself on the fact that I’ve already lost the love of my life. Nostalgia never remembers the details, just the feelings. It’s the same reason people are still wasting their money to see Lauryn Hill perform an album she doesn’t have clearances for, or why Fuller House exists.
This crossed my mind as I listened to Drake’s “Views“; wondering where was this dope album everyone else was hearing because this sounds like a half hearted sequel to his second best album. Anyway, listening to Drake wail over tracks about women he wants everything except a relationship from, my main takeaway was; ego is a hell of a drug. You love, you lose, you move on but ego….ego can’t take it lying down. A recurring theme on Views, is the idea of loyalty, and Drake, like most niggas, wants stability and security of a relationship but without the whole commitment thing. He’s not even talking about winning them back, doing better, it’s just blatant manipulation and guilt tripping because how dare they not take the raincheck of love he’s offering. Drake’s whole steez is finding women starving enough that his crumbs look like Thanksgiving. He could have them if he so chose (because he actually wants someone he deems an equal); he merely wants them to never be over him. (Because a stripper should be grateful he is treating her like a human). That is megalomania. Over calypso beats. (Or as I call it Drakeggaeton)
Listening to Views and being so put off, I then had to look at the man in the mirror. I’ve definitely used the “let’s just be friends” to carry on a one sided open relationship. I’ve sabotaged ex’s new relationships, I may have literally quoted Hotline Bling to an ex (facetiously). I’ve taken it personal when women decided they just can’t with me, when in reality one of us needed to pull off that band aid. (Not like anyone goes anywhere when I do it anyway…but whatever I’LL be the bad guy). Bringing it full circle, lately I find myself missing someone who frankly, doesn’t deserve me. The temptation arises to try and fix things, tell myself its closure, tell myself I thought we were friends…but really her presence in my life would serve as nothing more than ego feeding. Ego is a hell of a drug.
The way this life account is set up, you only get one. You only need one. Unless you bout #thatlife. I’m not. Looks exhausting. As annoying as dating and searching is, its very convenient to just take oddments of affection from what you know already. It’s even more convenient to offer it. I can have my ego stroked by a bunch of maybes or be fulfilled having my one.
Perhaps a mix of both except Tequila might cut someone. I’ll take the former.