We all somebody’s “leftovers”, “one that got away”, “I always wanted to fuck a ______”. Yes, even you over there. We break up, make up, meet and delete and over time it accumulates to form baggage. Baggage does get a bad rep, its often viewed as rooted in insecurity, or mistakes that shall follow you forevermore. In reality, our life experiences, both the good and the bad, shape how we think, what we value, and who we are and who we hope one falls for. Yet, we try to hold it off for as long as possible, burdening ourselves. It’s like walking down a long hallway with your hands full of groceries (because two trips are for bitches) waiting for a safe place to drop it off.
Conventional wisdom says men aren’t vulnerable, men don’t share when in reality while we’re a little cautious, most can’t wait to lay it all out there on the counter. It’s a relief to just be able to emote, confess, reflect to someone. Being Superman is exhausting, sometimes you just wanna be Clark. For example, I’m Clark here. I can say whatever is on my mind to nameless faceless readers I don’t have to think about what they think of me. Most people close to me have no idea about the blog or ever will…I prefer to write without any fear of who might read or take something the wrong way. (Then there’s the nickname jinx). I also have a friend I can be Clark to…she’s patient, kind, and loving. At times I wonder that if there was romantic interest on my part would I be as open of a book to her? Don’t think so.
Women that I am romantically interested in, they get cool, confident, unbothered. (But women want the REAL you..flaws and all…..eh, eventually. In small doses. That they extract themselves. Not incessant bitching and worrying. Don’t debate me. I’m right.) “She” started off as my best friend, she got the vulnerability, my girlfriend at the time got the benefits. When we actually got together, I made the same mistake. I was more Superman than Clark; work was “fine”, “nothing” was bothering me, I ain’t crying, I got allergies. There wasn’t that comfort level to let her all the way in, and I still almost married her. Next few women, I overcorrected wore everything on my sleeve and when it ended I couldn’t help but wonder if congratulations, I played myself.
So now, I find myself….besotted with someone and as the glow of newness fades away, I think we find ourselves facing each other in that long proverbial hallway holding our respective baggage wondering where do we set it down at?
So Im like, “The hell if I know, every time I leave it somewhere it turns out to be the wrong idea. Maybe I could just keep leaving it at a friends? At least until I’m absolutely sure.”
And she’s like: “I’m accustomed to handling my own shit; in a 2016 kind of world I’m glad I got my girls. Men just try to fix everything anyway, I dont need all that right now.”
Stalemate. For now. Even though we both know that if so maybe this is going to be something it can’t just be dates and laughs…it feels like we know each other more than a little bit but at the same time not really. Not that we’re in any rush, for now its chill.
I guess what I am curious about is how and why its so much easier to unload on some and not others, is it just a vibe thing? Does young metro not trust this woman? Am I gunshy now? Is it I’m getting the intimacy I require elsewhere? Maybe I just don’t want to. Friends, family, lovers…everyone doesn’t need to know everything. Do they? Total help meh sang.