Monthly Archives: March 2016

Today’s Word is… CHURCH

[Editor’s Note: a throwback…for context.  It’s funny looking at things you wrote years ago and seeing how much you’ve (not) changed…anyway…enjoy]

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So usually my Sundays go like this, I hop up out the bed; turn my swag on, feed Brady, go for a run, come back, shower, breakfast (you should eat before you work out…look I don’t need that now).  Over breakfast, I’ll check emails and messages, and when I check in with people, its usually the same…

“I’m about to go to church”

Or…

“I’m about to hop on this Madden”

It’s pretty much split between the gender lines, women are do it for the Christ, men ain’t gon do it.  I consider myself a God fearing man, I read the Bible occasionally, I’ve come a ways since I told you my struggles with faith well over a year ago.  Yet I still don’t make it to church, I mean I have my excuses

1. Hello i clearly said I ran in the morning, Jesus be a recovery.
2. I’m a Christian in a conservative catholic town, and if I go into the city on a Sunday morning its probably for my favorite Jazz brunch.
3. Fantasy football.

In this year of our lord 2014, They stream sermons, I know preachers with podcasts, my heathenism is inexcusable.  Nor is it for most men. Studies show 31% of men don’t attend church, like ever compared about 59% of women who attend at least one service a week or going by my contacts 87%.  They too probably have their reasons

1. Work
2. Don’t wanna be hypocrites (my favorite #cmonson excuse, the club full of hypocrites too)
3. They weren’t raised that way
4. Fantasy Football

But wait, none of those reasons are male centered, women work out, play fantasy football and lord do they love some brunch, so what makes them more able to go to church while men chill.  You’d think the large number of women would be enough to compel men to go, find God’s match for you (c) Christian Mingle.  I would say women are more likely to go to church because

1. More apt to submission (no hotep)…to Gods will
2. Safe community
3. Support system

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There’s a vulnerability to church that not a lot of men accept.  You work under someone’s else’s supervision all week, to pay other people.  To add to it you are to spend another day sacrificing your free time under yet another dominion.  You can’t not work, you can’t not pay your bills, skipping church, there’s no immediate consequence.  Religion breeds accountability that men and women both struggle with, men all the more stubborn.  Most of us start off in the church with our families, some of us go back with families of our own, its that middle period that most men just don’t bother.  However it’s perhaps the most important time.

Men lack camaderie and support in their 20s-30s.  We lack humility.  Not to say this can’t be found outside of church but its also somewhere to start.  I could lie and say I’ll be there Sunday (most likely I’ll be eating waffles and writing next weeks post…God ain’t thru with me yet…yes I’m going just use that copout after I wrote this whole post).  I will say the primary reason men aren’t in church is that men aren’t in church.  Too often the men we see in church are broken or exploitative and we don’t want to associate ourselves with either.  We rather cultivate our own relationship with God alone, where no one else can see.  And really, there’s nothing wrong with that.  It would be nice if everyone could convene and worship together but whether its in the tabernacle or at my kitchen table, the message is still being delivered.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… HEATHEN

[Editors Note: Yeah I know, religion….treading lightly tho]

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So boy meets girl, girl is nice, boy asks girl out, date is nice, girl suggests boy to come to her church, boy is like, sure, girl is like so see you Sunday? Boy is like umm, sure?  Boy spends a week on vacation with liquor fueled debauchery completely forgets about this agreement until waking up Sunday afternoon with a very upset girl.  Boy should apologize, make amends, but week filled with liquor fueled debauchery. Boy should be better, God ain’t thru with boy yet. 

Now, I luh God. Do you luh God? What’s wrong with you?  Ironically enough, I had attended a funeral recently and the sermon brought me peace about a few things and I thought, I need to find a church. (Then he went on a 15 minute tangent telling kids to get off his lawn and I thought, eh maybe somewhere I can attend monthly) Baby steps and all that.  So when I met girl (um lets just call her Mary), I represented myself as a man of faith, which I don’t think is necessarily deceitful.  I’m a God fearing man, just not a big church goer.  Mary’s invitation definitely caught me off guard, was this all just a recruiting pitch or maybe she just wanted me to share this part of her life if this was going to become a thing.  Her friends and  family would be there…I mean we had a few calls and lunch, maybe I did get a little shook.  However, it make me think about my dating history in general and how much religion plays a role, if at all.

With my ex, she was Catholic (same difference…but hey I’m no expert) I attended mass with her family, she attended church with mine.  (She did get me rosary beads…but again, same difference).  I’ve dated women who were agnostic but played the role at family functions…never an atheist (cuz the ones I know are fairly pretentious, no one cares about your fake deep Facebook statuses you sound like a single person on Valentine’s Day).  Other Christian women it was just what was understood needn’t be explained, some were churchgoers, I wasn’t there was never any pressure for me to, just some strong suggestion and open invitations.  (Oh and there was the super religious homophobic girl…I gotta find a reason to tell that story one day).  I guess there’s always been a separation of church and bae.  Mary was the first one who called my bluff, so to speak, and I folded. Was it too forward or is it I’m really not bout that life?

A few years ago I wrote about why I, and seemingly most men under 35 I know don’t attend church.  (Actually I think I’ll repost for context after this).  Even then I copped to the fact that my excuses weren’t really excuses and I could if I wanted to and still here I am, still not going.  I also don’t read enough, eat better and to bring this full circle, date women I claim I want. (Mary was a little TOO upset, so this will probably be the last time you hear of Mary).    So maybe I’m full of shit.  Or just lost. Pray for me.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… AYESHA

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Ayeeeeeeesha youre the girl I never had, I wanna get to know you betta….Ah, 90s. One time for the people who sang along…and my white readers, I love y’all too.  So recently, the internet apparently voted for Ayesha Curry, wife of Steph Curry as the “aspirational” black woman of the year.  I use aspirational in quotes as what it really is, is internet negroes propping up one woman to tear a legion of others. (My vote was for Mrs LeBron James, Savannah Brinson; she stayed down even when his hairline didn’t, she didn’t make a fuss when she couldn’t get a ring until he did, when she saw Dwyane Wade was having break babies she didn’t fret, she calmly gathered her man and got the fuck out of Miami…she the real MVP.  Also the Currys look more like siblings than a couple) For example, previous ABW the Flotus Flower Bomb, Michelle Obama who was lauded not for her education, her grace, but because she dated “down” (overplayed because I mean he was going to be a Harvard educated lawyer, at worst…and most lawyers I know personally have shitty cars I don’t know why maybe it builds character).  This year, Ayesha is praised for her modesty.  In an era of thirst trapping and swiping left, suddenly its all about getting an Ayesha, she’s rare. (Yes, a God fearing black woman is sooo hard to find in America of all places, K.)

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Y'all see it too...you aint gotta lie, we fam

I’ve spoken before on my issues with respectability, its the notion that said respect has to be earned in the first place.  That’s how you have the Rev Runs of the world saying dress how you want to be addressed meanwhile his princess is being shouted out in rap songs for her noted thirst trapping.  The dudes crying for an Ayesha Curry are largely full of shit, them 10s of thousands of likes on your favorite instamodel page is from the same dude telling women if they got their act together they maybe might could get a shot at them. 

But if we ARE going to make fetch happen here, I feel we are better than archaic respectability politics, we should make her someone really pedestal worthy.  Like my Ayesha probably…

– returns hoodies
– doesn’t save a bunch of shit on the dvr she never going to go watch
– take 17 years to get ready then side eye you when your shoes aren’t on
– doesnt say she’s not hungry then pick off your plate
– doesnt put her cold ass feet on you in the bed
– understands how was work is a rhetorical question
– remembers your brothers name
– lets silence happen and doesnt immediately assume something’s wrong
– doesnt sit next to you watching TV and ask what else is on 5 minutes later
– won’t lurk your Twitter looking for shit to be mad about
– leaves the Netflix password as is because youre finally at the part of Breaking Bad it gets really good

If we going to put someone on a pedestal, at least make it pedestal worthy and not just some shit that even you don’t believe.  Or of course, leave people’s wives alone and stop trying to cast aspersions on women you can’t have anyway.  It could all be so simple.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CLOSURE

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Why is closure so annoying?  It’s the YouTube ad of life.  One last, I just need you to know this even though it won’t change anything but I kinda need you to ride along on this guilt trip me, cuz reasons.    It’s tantalizing…you want to believe being simply apart would be enough for them to reflect, learn and grow….but we’re too impatient, you gon get these words.   It’s a hail mary because no matter how heartfelt you think your parting words are, if they don’t give a fuck then….welp.  Some people aren’t ever going to be accountable, some people just were never that into you and some are probably showing their friends what you said and laughing at you. Pro Tip: Opt for the phone call/lunch if you can; screenshots are…

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I’ve been on both sides. I’ve gotten letters, emails, epic texts, crying videos, voicemails, Adele “All I Ask” propositions, awkward public declarations (I know there’s one that’s long overdue, maybe it never happens but I’m assuming it does)….and to be fair I’ve gotten off some Dear Jane letters myself.  In fact, since we folk and all this is an excerpt from one I did…

I just wanted to get this off my chest…the one thing that separated you from just about everyone else in my life was that we had always had this amazing connection.  I felt I could tell you anything and now I’m writing an email hoping you maybe would read it.  As you know I struggle to find people to open up to and it breaks my heart as you became yet another reason why…

She ain’t care.  No one ever does.  (She did come back eventually because they always do, and she even blames said letter for pushing her farther away).  It’s counterintuitive; because clearly your feelings weren’t be acknowledged prior and more often than not, your thinkpiece on this failed relationship/hookup/imaginationship is not going to change anything.  Imagine if the Declaration of Independence was just a “I find it funny how we are being taxed…”, we’d still be on some ol God Save The Queen.  They know your feelings, they were there, (they dont want you to win), they didn’t care then, probably won’t now. MY HURT WILL BE HEARD, no it won’t.

Now closure isn’t the same as a fight for your relationship, it isn’t a selfless act to show how much you care…it’s a selfish desire that you don’t actually need for your healing process.  A desire to end things on your terms, a desire to win one last argument, a desire to get the power back.  Does it suck that they were able to assess the situation, make a decision, make peace with it and move on? Yes. Are breakups/curves/elucidations ever from nowhere? No. (Ol girl I wrote the letter to did just change up out of the blue, cuz this is my blog and I’m always right)

That’s not to say that properly executed closure isn’t helpful.  I’ve had productive conversations with people but really the best closure is the one you can find yourself.   Hell, this blog has be able to think objectively and make peace with situations before I write a four page letter and I enclose it with a diss.  Some questions are better left unanswered, or if you’re so pressed to have one, blame their upbringing, astrological sign, their big forehead, their nationality (no wypeepo, you can’t play with that one), mercury in retro greys, have fun with it (I’ve sworn off Libras, LDRs, Deltas, women under 24, vegans, smokers, writers and ends in -sha) ….then you can take a step back, reflect objectively, lick your wounds and move on.  So if you are planning to write that why won’t you love me thinkpiece…
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Don’t. *beat drops*

-Stan-

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